My husband has 3 sisters and when his mom was nearing the end of her battle with cancer, they all stepped in; sisters, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, etc.
He worked a job where he could take off work and take her to appointments when needed or work from home. His mother was loved by all of her family and had a great relationship with all children.
My mother and I on the other hand have had a strained relationship; for 14 years we had no relationship. She's manipulative, narcissistic, negative, feels entitled, expects to be treated like the matriarch but her behavior does not warrant it.
I've shared ALL of my frustrations with my husband over the years, and when I completely break down, he says that I'm not alone and that he will help out more, but he doesn't. When I asked him the other day to make a simple phone call to my mother so that I could take a nap, he said he would, then later when I woke up (6 hours later) he had not and it was too late to call. When I reminded him that 'he promised' he said, I forgot.
My mom is a handful and I am the only one of our immediate family left and she's the last of her siblings. I could go on and on but I think I've given enough information.
I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting, being over-sensitive or dealing with my own menopausal issues but he doesn't understand the stress of doing this alone since he had "a village" to assist...and he's male. Not trying to be sexist but I just don't think he can fully understand the dynamics of a mother daughter strained relationship.
I am great at disconnecting in order to protect my feelings or to keep from being disappointed and I don't want to do that with him. I also don't want to talk about it then have him respond as if I'm making a big deal out of nothing, that would only invalidate what I'm feeling and make me retreat even more.
Any ideas on how to approach the topic with him?
You are correct, I have hired a home care worker for twice a week with my mom and I have cleared my calendar and schedule my days so that I can spend more quality time with him, without the frustration or expectation of him being there for my mom. He has stated that it is hard for him not to say anything to her when he sees/hears something that he feels is disrespectful to me so I won't subject him to much of that anymore.
I'm going to be grateful for whatever he can provide and pass the "expectation" off to the individuals that are being paid to care for her. I know that I've done all that I can and will continue to love her and care for her just not to the detriment of my marriage.
Thank you so much for speaking directly; I appreciate it.
She wasn't drinking water or taking meds regularly in an independent living facility which causes her to be very disoriented. She is an extreme extrovert and is losing her mind (literally) not being able to socialize and get her daily exercise so she feels cut off from the world. (She's been in the ER once and admitted for two days for a battery of tests, both returned with the diagnosis that she was dehydrated.)
In addition, she feels like she should be living with me in our home; not going to happen and so she does things to get attention stating that if she lived with me, these things wouldn't be happening.
I know that part of it is her getting old but the other part of it I've experienced and moved away from for years; the narcissistic/manipulative part of it.
So to make sure that I can work, in peace, I've hired an home care worker to go check her meds, fill up her pill box, make sure that she's drinking water and eating, etc.
Miraculously, after she had about 5 people to call me and attempt to guilt me into moving her into my home and I shared with them the truth of the situation, she and I had a conversation where it was obvious that someone got through to her and she has been much more attentive to what she needs to do and seems to have accepted the fact that her antics to get into my home are not working.
I will continue to look into moving on the next step ALF as there is a decline in her mental faculties but not yet severe enough to move her to a facility. I can guarantee you that once the "stay at home" order is lifted, so will the decline in her cognitive abilities. She's quite the actress and always has been.
Does he often FORGET when he says he will do something for you? That’s a different problem that has nothing to do with your mother. What went on with him and his mother is irrelevant unless you were doing for his mother as well and somehow expected him to return the favor. Even then, were you alone in that assumption?
Get a therapist to help you manage these feelings and try not to create a problem with your husband where mom is concerned. Mom has nothing to do with this IMO.
YOU not WANTING to call mom would be more the issue from what you wrote.
Hopefully the one missed phone call is just that and not a reason to decide DH is dispensable.
The comment about his mother was to show the difference in the level of support he had with his vs. what I have with mine. We did discuss the difference between the two and he assured me that he would be there every step of the way to help with mine and to support me through it but what we discussed and what actually happens now are two different things and after taking the weekend to think about it, I hired help and will not hold him to it. He may have felt one way then and somehow has shifted, which he is entitled to do...so I had to shift as well.
Just to clarify, he saw how exhausted I was and suggested I take a nap and not to worry because he would call her so that I could sleep, thus, the expectation that he would follow through.
I so appreciate you giving it to me straight and the suggestion for the therapist, thank you.
Your response let me know that I'm not alone in this and provided a way for me to minimize the friction between my husband and I, thanks again.
I no longer ask my husband to help with Mom for a couple of reasons.
Mom is incredibly disrespectful and even hateful towards my husband. When he does help or visit she treats him badly and his help was never enough. She does the same to my brother-in-law.
My standard of what "needs" to be done for Mom is quite different from his. My relationship with Mom is based on a lifetime of me catering to her neediness. Although I have gotten help and no longer am completely ruled by her manipulations, I still have an overblown sense of obligation to her. My husband does not share that and my trying to drag him into it causes him to be resentful.
I no longer ask for his help with Mom but I do ask him to be there for me in other ways which he is happy to do. If I sit down and count all the things my husband does for us it's a pretty long list, it just doesn't include catering to Mom. It took me a while but I'm ok with that and our marriage is much better for it.
Best of luck to you. This stuff is hard.
Thank you for sharing.
I've since decided to hire a home care worker to go by my Moms twice a week and I have pushed back on a few of her manipulative demands, so it's safe to say that the displaced anger I had towards my husband has been redirected into a more healthier combination of support. What I am unable to do I've hired help to do so. I think having this safe space to vent and get honest objective feedback has been truly helpful.
Thank you for responding.
Everyone wants to help the first mom, and mom appreciates it, no one wants to help the second and when you do she does not appreciate it or finds fault.
What mom would you want to help.
If he made that call, how would she talk to him? I put off doing a lot of things that I know I am going to not enjoy and often I truly forget that they need to be done. So I understand how he could forget to make that call. And it sounds like you did not WANT to make that call either, a phone call does not have to take long you could have made the call in 5 minutes then go take a nap. But you probably knew that if you called it would not be a 5 minute call it would be all sorts of drama, the same reason he did not want to make the call.
How can he "understand" a strained mother/child relationship when he had a good relationship? forget the mother/daughter relationship is totally different than a mother/ son one.
Maybe create you own "village"
Does mom have friends that can help out? Friends from Church or other organization?
If mom is at home (as indicated in your profile) maybe moving her to Assisted Living might help. She would have contact with more people, there would be staff to help her and she would have something to keep her occupied. (if nothing else it would give he more to complain about and it sounds like she loves that)
Another option would be getting a caregiver/companion to help out 1 time a week. That would take one day off your plate.
How to approach the topic with him..what you wrote.."I am great at disconnecting in order to protect my feelings ".......through to....."that would only invalidate what I'm feeling and make me retreat even more." you should read to him. I think you have expressed yourself well.
I've decided to hire a home care worker to visit my mom 2 times a week, you can only imagine how much stress that took off of me; I do not like her very much but I do love her as my mom so knowing that someone else is taking care of her during the week takes a lot of pressure off of me.
I have also decided that my mother will not be a topic of my marriage to the degree that it begins to cause a wedge between my husband and I, I'm not willing to do that, I love US too much and he is truly an amazing husband.
Your assessment of both of us avoiding the call is spot on, it is never 5 minutes for me and always negative, that would have ruined my chance at a peaceful rest (which lasted for 6 hours). My husband steers clear of confrontation as much as possible so he may not have had the energy to do so and it just slipped his mind. I can see that too.
Thanks for your candor, the way to approach the topic using what I've already written and for sharing your thoughts with me; they are truly appreciated.
what I see is your realionship with someone who does not respect you or value you. I mean both your Mom and Husband.
it is one thing to “forget” once in a great while....but...your husband not only does that but then disrespects you’re feelings too?
you need to talk with him and tell him what you just told us. His behaviors is causing you to withdraw from him...is this what he wants? Have you told him the damage he is doing to your relationship? Perhaps counseling is what you need, but, for sure you need to tell him how he is making you feel.
as for Mom...in your situation, I would once again isolate myself from her. You said for 14 years you had no relationship at all...maybe you need to go back to that and avoid her completely?
Yes, I did feel disrespected and I will approach the topic with him and share once I have had an opportunity to set things in motion with my mom so that I can sleep at night.
The key for me is to make sure she's taken care of and not just turn my back on her when she needs me most; but to do it in such a way that it doesn't ruin my marriage, my life, my sanity or my health.
To your point, I am setting and keeping healthy boundaries; she doesn't like them but she will manage.
Thank you for thinking of my feelings, nice to know there is true support here in the group.
Perhaps he really did forget. Perhaps he thinks your mother didnt "need" a phone call.
Why are you continuing to subject yourself to a narcissistic and manipulative person? Perhaps your husband is modeling how to get out of this trap of responding to your mom.
It has happened before but no more than 5 times throughout our entire 13 years together, so it is possible that he simply forgot.
I am the only family member around to take care of my mom's affairs so I can't, in good conscious, just turn my back on her. No matter how manipulative and narcissistic she is, she's still my mom.
So, I've decided to hire outside help, set healthy boundaries and not expect my husband to do anything outside of what he wants to do; my mother's care is not worth putting a strain on my marriage.
Thank you so much for responding, it really helps to hear other perspectives.