How much should you expect your spouse to (want to) assist with your aging parent?

I do not know if my experience is at all helpful: but I, too, had a horrible relationship with my mother much of my life, and our relationship is dramatically different now.

The key for me has nothing to do with my mom and everything to do with me: I learned my boundaries, I set my limits, I attend to my emotions, I don't put myself in situations I am not comfortable.

I did not learn these skills growing up with an abusive mother; that was on me to develop. And it remains on me to be mindful of everyday. I see her daily. If she is ugly, she gets a warning ("That wasn't very nice.") and if it happens again I leave. Sometimes I make an excuse ("I've gotta get back to work, call if you need anything."). Sometimes I am direct ("Now isn't a good time for me to be here. I'll come back when you are feeling better."). I am very careful to never lose my temper - which is not that hard because I'm always watching my feelings about the situation.

I say these things because there was something about the story of the phone call your husband didn't make that made me wonder how necessary that call really was. I apologize if it was, indeed, a critical call. But, knowing boundaries can be skewed if you grew up in abuse, it is possible that call wasn't necessary at all.

These are hard skills to develop, and they take time. But, in my experience, once you see things clearly and set boundaries for yourself, it will be much easier to work with your husband as your partner in your mom's care.

He is clearly willing. He just might not see the same urgency of tasks as you do. Perhaps his perspective is healthier. Perhaps he can guide you. If so, listen to him.

Learn how to decide what is needed now, what can be done later, what can be outsourced to a hired person, what he can/needs/wants to do, and what you can/need/want to do. It is a skill that will serve you well.

I am beginning to think the problem is with me and not the laptop.
Sorry. I would approach your Fiance and tell him just how you want him to assist you in executing this care plan. Now, if he isn't willing to get onboard together with you as if you are one, you may want to consider whether this is a relationship worth going on with.

My DW and I have never had an argument. Not while dating, engaged or married. We started practicing our faith together from the time we started dating and were married almost 24 years ago.
Our children have never been able to turn the tables on us. Our first question has always been what did mom say, or what did dad say. Ask yourself what you want, then ask fiance if he will not only agree to the plan or will it only be talk without any action. My DW and I have always picked up the load together. I keep doing all I can around the house, yes, somethings I can't do like I once did. I cannot be trusted to operate the stove or oven by myself. There is no reason I can't vacuum the house, wash and dry dishes, cut the grass, some things are difficult because of disabilities, but my DW understands what I can't do. We are one, I hope your fiance will become one with you. I hope this is helpful.

Continued.. I got knocked off the internet when posting my answer. I would suggest to your mother that you could draw up a care plan and include whatever things you may want, a DPOA for both legal and medical care and financial . A will that spells out how anything your mother owns will be gifted.. A Medical Directive covering how she'd like things to be handled regarding her health. A pourover Will that can be used to handle property or money still held in a bank you didn't know about, or property that was put in storage and forgotten about.
I have stopped driving by my own volition approximately 6 weeks ago. I've had the long discussion with my DW and Adult children as to what I do and don't want in terms of medical care. My income is turned over to my DW to continue helping to keep things going for the family.

Being one of a big team of rellies caring for someone lovely VS being the only one caring for someone difficult.
Quite different I'm sure you'd agree!

I am also 'the only one'. I had expectations that my sister would help (sigh) but that just left me disappointed. Like others, my DH has limits. Will lift wheelchairs, buy groceries, move furniture, fix tech problems but not a willing sit & visit or phone call guy.

If I WAS one of many to share it around I would probably still be more hands-on. But I burnt out, suffered compassion fatigue & stepped back instead. It was just too much physically, mentally & emotionally for one. Try to avoid this hole to then dig out of.

OK 'Matriarch' you want to be the Boss? A world leader? Then lead your own world of caregivers. Become your own boss of your own staff. Too harsh???

“I've shared ALL of my frustrations with my husband over the years, and when I completely break down...”

Good grief honey, please do not do this to him anymore.
And unless he is an exception to the general rule, he is not going to be calling a
”manipulative, narcissistic, negative”
matriarch wannabe on the telephone for you or for anyone else and I don’t blame him.

Your husband sees how your mother treats you and as such, probably would not want to do anything for her, though I could be incorrect.

My dad died last year at 91 after a difficult illness that lasted about a year. My brother and I tried to do the full time at their home caregiving, but it got to be too much. Dad decided to move to AL, and he was actually on Medicare hospice while there as well. Mom, 91, has mixed dementia, with no short term memory at all. She is now in memory care. I visit 1-3 times a week, but not recently due to the COVID lockdown.

My husband is not very willing to listen to anything I need/want to say. He did his bit when he was in his 30's and 40's, working full time at a very demanding job, plus managing the care of his 90 year old father. Dad lived in a 6 bedroom, 4 bath house on 3 floors (which we had to clean out ourselves.) That became unfeasible and eventually he moved to AL. But there were numerous calls and emergency trips for driving incidents, medical catastrophes, falls. TrIp to the hospital every 3 weeks, we could count on that. Dad finally passed away in hospice care, but the caregiving took a toll on spouse's career. Did I mention, he also had some shared caregiving responsibilities for his 100 year old grandmother? So I reflect that my spouse has done his bit and doesn't want to hear any more old people complaints.

Don't expect your husband to help a lot with your mother. She's an adult and hopefully is in good enough shape to make decisions on how she wants to live. You don't talk much about her situation. Is she living independently or in a senior home? Is her health both physical and mental still good? You should also not beat yourself up over her. Do what you can to help her. If it's more than you can handle, try to get help from social workers, and discuss assisted living. Don't ruin your marriage or your own health over her.

I'm going to repeat what some of the others have said...your husband may have a hard time doing anything for your mom because of how she treats you. NOTHING made my husband more angry than when my mom would mistreat or criticize me, or run me ragged with her demands, even when she honestly couldn't help it *sometimes* (dementia). I learned not to use him as a venting board with my frustrations, because I would forgive her far more quickly than he would.

And also as some suggested, try making a list of SPECIFIC things he could help you with. My husband is smart, can easily figure out what to do with a million dollars at work, but at home/grocery store he can be lost as a goose over what he needs to do! Another thing, your husband might need a list of PHYSICAL things to do that don't involve emotions. A phone call to a mom, in my opinion, is very emotionally based. My husband would never, ever phone my mom but he would cut her grass in the heat of the day without one complaint. Your husband might be the complete opposite, so think about how he's wired.

Have you ever tried to explain it to him in the same detail as you did here? Of course, the conversation needs to take place when you are not feeling overwhelmed and agitated. Just start it off with - remember when your mom was sick and everyone stepped in to help....that's what I need.

As a side note, be careful that if he does step up to the plate that his way of doing something will not be exactly the same way you do it. If you correct him or micro manage his effort you're going to lose any ground you might have gained. Don't ask him to do anything that he really didn't do for his own mom. Think back to tasks he handled back then and don't go beyond that. The others in his family might have handled things that he didn't do.

If he's just not going to participate, he's not and you have to accept it. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and you'll only aggravate yourself more if you try.

I don't think you are being oversensitive or overreacting. This is a very delicate subject, although I actually have the opposite version to you. My husband lost his mother nearly 20 years ago, when we still had small children. His older sister looked after her a bit, though it didn't end well as the sister had already cared for a brother dying of cancer and died herself a few years later with alcoholism. I don't know whether this has left my husband feeling that he has to make up for this by caring for MY mother, but my problem is that he is so devoted to her that it is really coming between us.

My mum too has been manipulative, narcissistic and negative all my life and we have never been emotionally close; now she is in AL round the corner but feels entitled to expect us to drop everything at any time to do her errands/shopping, arrange and fetch medications, take her on any trip she has to make, or we get loud complaints that we are neglecting her. She is 85, yes, and hard of hearing and has vertigo, which conveniently means she won't try to walk even though medics say she should, but she has no major health problems and is capable of far more than she likes to do - this isn't just me being mean; a physiotherapist assessed her and said so. Mum even admits to being lazy, yet my husband goes round several times a week (she would ideally like him there every day) and is her golden boy now; she tells my brother and me how much she misses my husband - whom she treats as if he were her own partner.

I find this very difficult and have tried to explain how I feel, even giving him a book on the problems of daughters with a narcissistic mother, but he thinks I am overreacting and gets all defensive, saying he is 'caught between us and can't please us both'. I point out that he made marriage vows to me, not her, but this doesn't help...

Another problem is that I, having lacked self-confidence all my life and been subject to depression and anxiety on and off, have a long-standing phobia about driving, so he thinks that by driving my mum around he is helping me out - which is true, but just makes me feel even more guilty/angry!

We are in coronavirus lockdown now, of course, and luckily Mum seems to be being looked after well by the staff. I can't help feeling relieved to have a break and a good reason not to visit her (I'm sending parcels and photos of family, etc., as she will have no technology to keep in touch), while my husband feels he has 'abandoned' her. My brother, of course, is not allowed to visit either - but he can claim his busy work and dysfunctional family life as reasons for not getting as involved as we are in caring for Mum (my husband took early retirement the year she moved here, unfortunately, and she has admitted that she wouldn't have come if he hadn't, so it seems she planned all along to use him as her errand boy.)

I'm trying a counsellor to help me process these feelings, as I can't see an end to the situation until my mum dies and do worry about the future of my 32-year marriage. If you find a way to deal with your problem, please let me know!

Please see a counsellor. You need to get a better handle on your relationship with your mom. Your husband may not want to deal with the stressors you have mentioned in your post. He feels he is helping by being there for you... and listening while you vent. Discuss with your counsellor all the problems you are having in your relationship with your mom - past and present. Follow your counsellor's advice, please.

Look , you're doing your best . You are to be congratulated for still trying in spite of how she is and how she acts . Your sense of duty is strong for many reasons known to you but your husband , though he loves you , cannot have that same responsibility to your mother .
He also went through a tough time and though it may have been a while ago I'm sure the memory still lingers with him . It's not something that he might want to revisit, that crushing responsibility . If he cares , he will have to do a little lifting .
As a caretaker to both my grandparents , ten years apart , I know what that's like, having your life stolen a little . Living for others .
Re asses how much you need to be doing for your mum, emotionally at least . What was the fall out of that call not being made ? Anything ? Nothing ? Perhaps a call every other day or every two days , to give yourself a break sometimes ? I'm not sure with the limited info you gave us. ( no problem , it's personal , I get it )
Perhaps ask him to take one day , Tuesday for example , where he knows he will be the one to make that call so you can rest .
A reminder alarm in his cell phone , if he carries one , might work . A chalk board reminder or a calender where he will see it with "call mom Bob " ( dont know his name ) written in red .
Speak to him honestly and clearly about what you need . You're right , men are often given a pass when it comes to being the caregiver in families . I am in the same situation where it's mom and I doing everything and the five men in the family have to be TOLD exactly what we want / need . No initiative at all.
Caring for a difficult parent is the worst so give yourself a break from feeling obligated to drain yourself to the last drop.
If her physical needs are attended to , her mental needs might not be as pressing if it depletes you.
Set a schedule and stick to it if you can. You might be doing more than you need to for her and draining yourself needlessly .
I know how hard it is as a caretaker myself but I also know that you will be no use to her if you run yourself ragged and ill.
I wish you luck and I see you , you are only human .
Take care of yourself ok ?

I can understand your husband not wanting to call your mom and talk because why would someone want to call someone who disrespects them and the people they love (you).
My mil is a nice person but she is very opinionated and I really do not like having phone conversations with her as she will go on talking about nothing for so long and complaining about where she lives and the caregivers. Basically she always finds something to complain about. We decided that my role is to handle the finances/accounts for her and my husband does the visits and phone calls and occasionally I go with him to visit.
My husband and I do not like to differentiate his parents from my parents and how we treat them; but rather figure out what each of us is best at doing and focus on that. I would not force your husband to have contact with her as she has not treated you or him nicely and it is probably really hard for him to see her do this to you. Your husband sounds like a good guy and I would suggest putting his needs/desires above your moms as you are in this for the long run with your husband and it probably will not get better with your mom. I would strongly consider moving her into an assisted living facility where she can be cared for and socialize with other people. This has been great for our parents.
Best of luck.

It is hard to get someone to help you deal with something that you don't like to deal with either. 
Your husband has been your sounding wall for the strained relationship you have with mother.  You are not over reacting, but you are asking him to be compassionate when he deals with someone/something that has obviously been draining you for years. 
It would be easier to involve your mother in outside groups like adult daycare, senior support groups etc. than becoming resentful towards your spouse for not feeling a sense of responsibility or empathy towards someone you also feel has not earned or deserve it.

I would use "I" statements when you are discussing this topic as "you" tends to sound accusatory and puts someone's defenses on high alert. Perhaps he would be willing to take on a task that doesn't involve a telephone conversation with your mom. Or maybe he could take on some tasks involving your home to be of assistance. Do you feel that you are expressing yourself clearly when you speak with him? Is he a talker or a doer? After all, some men and women too feel uncomfortable with expressing their feelings or emotions.

Sometimes a spouse wants to help and offers to help but need a concrete assignment - especially if he/she is a left brain thinker. My husband is supportive in my care for my step mom in AL, but is unable to think how to help unless I point out something he can do.

I get it.
My mother moved in with us about three years ago. She has changed our lives dramatically.
Our lives revolve around her and her needs.
My husband does help out a lot.
But he has an attitude. He gets sarcastic and rude at points.
He has his own health issues also.
Ive noticed that he is jealous of how much time I give to her.
Its very hard to try to take care of both of them without making him feel like I'm neglecting him.
I feel very stressed trying to balance both.
My mom is not easy to live with.
I wish I had more answers.
Maybe someone will have answers that can help with our situation.

Like another has said - make this about you and what you need. 2nd - men operate differently. My husband will leave a task til overflowing, an honestly never notice it is overflowing. Weekly tasks that you should have to ask them to do, you must ask. I’ll never In a million years understand it. But I don’t have to. I just have to accept it and quit fighting to make my way the right way. If I make a written list, my husband will do it will no argument and willingly. He just needs a list. Of the same tasks. Every week. LOL. But it works. Would your husband respond to this method? If not, ask him how he would prefer you ask for help? And consider counseling or asking him to go to a support group with you. Not once. Continuously. You are married. You ARE in the together because that is what marriage is.

Here’s a different perspective:
my mil has lived next door to us for almost 8 years. She was never able to take care of herself. My husband does the lions share However, I pay her bills, grocery shop, walk her back to her house when she wanders over to her house, give her lunch or dinner when he is not home, and help in lots of other areas. He has 3 siblings. Two live far away. Her daughter asked me who would take care of Mom when she was at the gym. Her son who lives in our town says he is not her caregiver nor our respite.
It is causing major strife in our marriage. I am angry at my husband all the time. He is angry because I lash out.
Bottom line; when you talk to him, make it about you needing help...
and try not to be angry w him if he does not want to help. It would be nice but I feel trapped.

Here is another perspective. I can say from my experience of helping to take care of my mother from the beginning of her decline to her death that I am just over taking care anyone’s parent. I was/am still emotionally spent from 3 years of watching my mother go from no dementia and being mostly independent to not knowing who I was.
My husband’s mother will be 96 in May and currently in a MC unit. He worries about any little thing at the drop of a hat. Wants to rescue her from where she has been for 5 years.
Me, not so much. I told him the burden of caring for an elderly person and am sympathetic to a degree, but I lived through it for 3 long years. I don’t have anything to give regarding my MIL.
Maybe your husband is emotionally scarred as well.
But it WAS only a call, I know. But maybe he DID honestly forget.
Most importantly talk to your husband about this now because she is only going to get worse. He can’t read your mind. Let him know.

Is it possible that DH would want but for whatever reason doesn't feel comfortable in talking with your mother? I ask because there are some guys who just don't feel comfortable with talking or helping older women that they are not related to. My SO is one of those guys!

Why would you expect him to volunteer cheerfully for a job the very thought of which makes you want to go and lie down? For six hours.

You're comparing - not apples and oranges. Ice cream and cod liver oil. His family relationships and yours are poles apart.

He can't solve the difficult relationship you have with your mother. You're not making a big deal out of nothing. You're just trying to ignore the actual issue.

I hope that you are using her money and not your own for the hired help.

I am happy to read that it really is a non issue and you have taken proactive steps to make sure that she has her needs met.

Well done!

I noticed in your OP that you said how all of DH's family pitched in but you did not mention what your part was in it. Did you help him out a lot or was your assistance not needed? He may feel that if you were not part of his mother's care than he doesn't need to be of your mother's care. Of course your mother's attitude doesn't help the situation. I think asking him to make a phone call is reasonable. When my father got on my last nerve I would ask my cousin to call him as a distraction. He may also feel like he did his part caring for an elder and does not want to get involved in that again. Like it or not, helping out with your mom is not his responsibility. Then again, it is not necessarily yours either.

My mother drives me insane......and when I can't take her BS anymore, I ask my husband to call her so I can have a break from the histrionics. As an only child (at 62), I'm all she has........I'm her sounding board and scratching post, ALL of it, on a daily basis, and I get tired, as I'm sure you do. She lives in a Memory Care ALF, thank God, but still, all of the calls and finances and decisions and everything else falls on ME. And me alone. So after a particularly rough run of her behavioral difficulties, rather than continue to rant at DH about the situation, I simply ask for his help. A couple of times he's even stopped at her ALF on his way home from work and brought her a few cupcakes from Gigi's. He's happy to do it because he knows how much it helps me and I'm always VERY grateful to him for it.

The key is to just sit down at the kitchen table with him and tell him the truth; that mother is an Energy Vampire & sucking the life out of you. And that you need his help. Men generally WANT to help, they just don't know how unless they are told exactly how, when, where and why.

Men need to be TOLD what to do explicitly. And then reminded a few times, too. Don't feel badly about that, either. TELL him what you need, THANK him for his help, REMIND him to actually DO it, and then move on. After he makes the call, thank him profusely and tell him how much you appreciate being let off the hook and how much you needed the break from the brain damage.

Don't overthink it. Just do it. As instructed above. He'll live through it, trust me........but if you don't ask for and take help, YOU may not. Chronic stress from difficult mothers who we have strained relationships with will take their toll on us. HARD. Not worth it.

GOOD LUCK!

I think you have your head on straight. I give you a lot of credit for being there for Mom but not allowing yourself to be drawn in her drama.

I look at this as others responded, DH may not like Mom because of the way she has treated you. May have said yes knowing u would get off the phone upset and wouldn't be able to sleep.

I wouldn't hold this against DH. Continue with you Boundries. As long as you keep Mom safe and cared for, thats all u need to do. I will assume you know that Mom will not be able to be alone forever. Once placed in LTC, a lot of responsibility will be taken off ur shoulders.

Hi BarbBrooklyn,

Its happened on occasion but he really could have forgotten this time.

She's my mom and I'm the only family member that is around to look after her. Do know that I am setting and keeping healthy boundaries so that I can do for her without it being a detriment to myself.

Yes, I've been in this trap for quite a while but she's not changing so I plan to do the necessary work on me.

Thanks so much for the "straight talk," I really appreciate it.

You sound like you are reaching your limit on the caregiving. It would be great if you had a village to help but you don't. Your husband isn't the problem. (Although I have NO tolerance for his saying yes and meaning no. He should say no. Be brave.). Trying to do it all is your problem.

Give some deep thought to how much you can and will do and just do that. If you weren't there, how would your mom get things done? Help her set that up, whether she wants to or not.

You are already feeling the physical strain of this burden. You will do yourself and your mom a favor if you start getting some outside help.

I took care of my FIL for the last 6 months of his life. 3 trips daily to his condo to do whatever was needed. DH did nothing but maybe take him to dinner once a week to give me a break. After he passed, I did the entire clean out of his condo on my own, once the big pieces of furniture were taken. I was not paid.

He has not done one single thing to help with needs or care of my mother. And when I went through cancer last year, he simply turned all emotions into anger. Not at me, specifically, but he was angry all the time. I'm still healing from chemo and he is NOT nice, most of the time, makes snarky comments and thinks he's funny.

His mother kicked me to the curb 2 months ago and screamed at me to 'never come back' and I will not. Now DH is blaming me for his 'inability' to go see his mother (talk about convoluted thinking!) so I asked him when was the last time he did ANYTHING for MY mother and he had to admit it has been more than 10 years. He hasn't even SEEN her for 5. But, he insists that I "grow up" and take the abuse his mother heaps on me and remember 'she's old'. (what was she 45 years ago?? This is not a new dynamic!!)

Trying to talk this through is impossible. He is not a caregiver, he is just missing that gene, somehow. I know he is trying to be better, but he'll never be the kind of CG that I need or want. My kids said if I die first, they will put their dad in an ALF within a month. He simply cannot do the most basic CG things.