My husband has 3 sisters and when his mom was nearing the end of her battle with cancer, they all stepped in; sisters, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, etc.
He worked a job where he could take off work and take her to appointments when needed or work from home. His mother was loved by all of her family and had a great relationship with all children.
My mother and I on the other hand have had a strained relationship; for 14 years we had no relationship. She's manipulative, narcissistic, negative, feels entitled, expects to be treated like the matriarch but her behavior does not warrant it.
I've shared ALL of my frustrations with my husband over the years, and when I completely break down, he says that I'm not alone and that he will help out more, but he doesn't. When I asked him the other day to make a simple phone call to my mother so that I could take a nap, he said he would, then later when I woke up (6 hours later) he had not and it was too late to call. When I reminded him that 'he promised' he said, I forgot.
My mom is a handful and I am the only one of our immediate family left and she's the last of her siblings. I could go on and on but I think I've given enough information.
I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting, being over-sensitive or dealing with my own menopausal issues but he doesn't understand the stress of doing this alone since he had "a village" to assist...and he's male. Not trying to be sexist but I just don't think he can fully understand the dynamics of a mother daughter strained relationship.
I am great at disconnecting in order to protect my feelings or to keep from being disappointed and I don't want to do that with him. I also don't want to talk about it then have him respond as if I'm making a big deal out of nothing, that would only invalidate what I'm feeling and make me retreat even more.
Any ideas on how to approach the topic with him?
As a side note, be careful that if he does step up to the plate that his way of doing something will not be exactly the same way you do it. If you correct him or micro manage his effort you're going to lose any ground you might have gained. Don't ask him to do anything that he really didn't do for his own mom. Think back to tasks he handled back then and don't go beyond that. The others in his family might have handled things that he didn't do.
If he's just not going to participate, he's not and you have to accept it. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and you'll only aggravate yourself more if you try.
And also as some suggested, try making a list of SPECIFIC things he could help you with. My husband is smart, can easily figure out what to do with a million dollars at work, but at home/grocery store he can be lost as a goose over what he needs to do! Another thing, your husband might need a list of PHYSICAL things to do that don't involve emotions. A phone call to a mom, in my opinion, is very emotionally based. My husband would never, ever phone my mom but he would cut her grass in the heat of the day without one complaint. Your husband might be the complete opposite, so think about how he's wired.
My husband is not very willing to listen to anything I need/want to say. He did his bit when he was in his 30's and 40's, working full time at a very demanding job, plus managing the care of his 90 year old father. Dad lived in a 6 bedroom, 4 bath house on 3 floors (which we had to clean out ourselves.) That became unfeasible and eventually he moved to AL. But there were numerous calls and emergency trips for driving incidents, medical catastrophes, falls. TrIp to the hospital every 3 weeks, we could count on that. Dad finally passed away in hospice care, but the caregiving took a toll on spouse's career. Did I mention, he also had some shared caregiving responsibilities for his 100 year old grandmother? So I reflect that my spouse has done his bit and doesn't want to hear any more old people complaints.
Good grief honey, please do not do this to him anymore.
And unless he is an exception to the general rule, he is not going to be calling a
”manipulative, narcissistic, negative”
matriarch wannabe on the telephone for you or for anyone else and I don’t blame him.
Quite different I'm sure you'd agree!
I am also 'the only one'. I had expectations that my sister would help (sigh) but that just left me disappointed. Like others, my DH has limits. Will lift wheelchairs, buy groceries, move furniture, fix tech problems but not a willing sit & visit or phone call guy.
If I WAS one of many to share it around I would probably still be more hands-on. But I burnt out, suffered compassion fatigue & stepped back instead. It was just too much physically, mentally & emotionally for one. Try to avoid this hole to then dig out of.
OK 'Matriarch' you want to be the Boss? A world leader? Then lead your own world of caregivers. Become your own boss of your own staff. Too harsh???
I have stopped driving by my own volition approximately 6 weeks ago. I've had the long discussion with my DW and Adult children as to what I do and don't want in terms of medical care. My income is turned over to my DW to continue helping to keep things going for the family.
Sorry. I would approach your Fiance and tell him just how you want him to assist you in executing this care plan. Now, if he isn't willing to get onboard together with you as if you are one, you may want to consider whether this is a relationship worth going on with.
My DW and I have never had an argument. Not while dating, engaged or married. We started practicing our faith together from the time we started dating and were married almost 24 years ago.
Our children have never been able to turn the tables on us. Our first question has always been what did mom say, or what did dad say. Ask yourself what you want, then ask fiance if he will not only agree to the plan or will it only be talk without any action. My DW and I have always picked up the load together. I keep doing all I can around the house, yes, somethings I can't do like I once did. I cannot be trusted to operate the stove or oven by myself. There is no reason I can't vacuum the house, wash and dry dishes, cut the grass, some things are difficult because of disabilities, but my DW understands what I can't do. We are one, I hope your fiance will become one with you. I hope this is helpful.
The key for me has nothing to do with my mom and everything to do with me: I learned my boundaries, I set my limits, I attend to my emotions, I don't put myself in situations I am not comfortable.
I did not learn these skills growing up with an abusive mother; that was on me to develop. And it remains on me to be mindful of everyday. I see her daily. If she is ugly, she gets a warning ("That wasn't very nice.") and if it happens again I leave. Sometimes I make an excuse ("I've gotta get back to work, call if you need anything."). Sometimes I am direct ("Now isn't a good time for me to be here. I'll come back when you are feeling better."). I am very careful to never lose my temper - which is not that hard because I'm always watching my feelings about the situation.
I say these things because there was something about the story of the phone call your husband didn't make that made me wonder how necessary that call really was. I apologize if it was, indeed, a critical call. But, knowing boundaries can be skewed if you grew up in abuse, it is possible that call wasn't necessary at all.
These are hard skills to develop, and they take time. But, in my experience, once you see things clearly and set boundaries for yourself, it will be much easier to work with your husband as your partner in your mom's care.
He is clearly willing. He just might not see the same urgency of tasks as you do. Perhaps his perspective is healthier. Perhaps he can guide you. If so, listen to him.
Learn how to decide what is needed now, what can be done later, what can be outsourced to a hired person, what he can/needs/wants to do, and what you can/need/want to do. It is a skill that will serve you well.