How much more are we expected to do?
Well, over the last month; I have taken 4 days off from work to visit mom. Mom is 91, lives independently in her own home and lives about 6 hrs away. Mom appreciates my visits and I spend quality time with her, usually a full 12 hrs a day where I go for a walk with her, drive her around town, eat meals out, run errands together and just generally visit before I head back to a hotel (no; I don't stay overnight with her). Its not unpleasant, but wearying because we go over the same "ground" over and over.
Mom is very lonely. I have done everything I can think of including accompanying her to senior center to introduce "this concept" and she always says she'll go but then never takes the initiative. SHe has no friends; all prior friends or neighbors have given up on her as she cuts them off on the phone (if she answers) and refuses any social invitations.
I have offered many options, including moving to my hometown or even AL in her town; or merely getting some help or companions for her -- all refused. SHe understands I work full time, have a family and have no intention of moving back or retiring; but sadly, it is hard for her to accept and she says little things to guilt me about not visiting more or staying extended periods. My brother has nothing to do with her and rarely even calls her. He lives on the west coast and has no intention of visiting.
This week, I visited again (as I had business meetings nearby). I took her out all day and again, we visited senior center in which she saw a friend (I thought HURRAH!). The woman encouraged mom to come and they exchanged phone numbers. Then mom asked me to drive by another old friend's house and she wondered if the woman still lived there. I drove up and encouraged her to knock on the door. She did and the woman was welcoming and we went into her home and I sat as they visited. The woman (who is mom's age) was glad to see her and told mom they missed seeing her and encouraged her to come back to church, go to senior center, etc. and even said she was looking at senior apts in the area.
Then I took mom to dinner with a friend of mine who joined us and we all had a good time. Mom spoke all evening about how she enjoyed seeing her friends again. I encouraged her to go to senior center the next day and go back to church (they even offered to pick her up).
I left and she was crying and asking me to come back after my meetings this week, but I told her that I couldn't and was returning home; but would try to get back next month.
SHe has called me 2 times today weepy. I asked if she had gone to the senior center this week and she said that she hadn't and made her usual excuses about rain, etc.
I'm fed up. Its starting to affect my ability to concentrate at work and I feel guilty. She interrupted me with calls today twice while I was in meetings. We go thru this same scenario at every visit. I realize she is lonely and I tell her only she can change that. These friends are also elderly widows and "living life"; mom refuses to do so and tells me "well they have their children here". I'M ABSOLUTELY SICK OF HEARING THAT MANTRA" -- she hasn't had children nearby in 20 years.
When we do go out or about town, she hangs on me; physically hangs on me. I know I'm her only contact but it gets to me. She won't even order off a menu by herself. If she makes a selection and I choose something else, she changes her order to get exactly what I'm having. I can't even go to the bathroom myself that she doesn't follow me (one of the reasons I stay in a hotel at night, so I get a break).
Sunflo, sad to say, if your mother will not see YOUR point of view and meet you halfway on YOUR needs, if that's going to make her call her lawyer and write you out of the will or whatever, then she's going to have to step up to the plate and hire herself some help. Because as we all point out to each other here, 1/3 of all caregivers die before their charges do. It's the most obvious way in which this caregiving shtick is SO very different from parenting.
And believe me, the stress doesn't go away once their in a facility. It's mostly that you get a better night's sleep, most of the time.
Having to transition my mom to a nursing home was I can honestly say the worst time of my life. She has never been just my mom but also my best friend.
Getting the doctor to intervene felt like a betrayal on my part but if he had not my mom for sure would probably not be with us anymore.
Never feel like you are not worthy of sympathy.
Picture it. Instead of looking forward to the holidays, which after all are supposed to be a time of warmth, love and time with one's family, you're dreading it. Whereas, with your mother in one of those excellent facilities you've already checked out, you could be doing your thing and actually *scheduling in* a one or two hour break where you go and have a cup of coffee and a nice piece of cake with your lovely mother, whom you're not running yourself ragged looking after because other people of making a good job of that, and enjoy making a fuss of her. Then you go home and get back to work making the holiday. Imagine that: visiting your mother becoming a pleasure instead of a back-breaking chore. Plus the children could perhaps even visit their grandmother independently? - she'd be the envy of the ALF if that might happen.
I should start balls rolling, if I were you. It'd take so much stress off everyone concerned.
Don't pick a fight with her. Just down tools, and every time she comes up with a demand you assert the better option. She needs to see more of you? Well, there's the answer! She can't manage well on her own? Same answer. She's bored, lonely and unhappy? Guess what.
I suppose it's a matter of standing still and waiting patiently for her to come to the same conclusion as you have. I agree, push it on her and she'll push back - until she's in such a poor condition that she can't, in which case she'll have a much harder time adjusting to the move, so that's not what you want. But meanwhile harden your heart: do less, answer the phone less, and feel *entitled* to take more time for yourself and your family. You're mother isn't being reasonable about her own best interests, but you don't have to accommodate her.
I have hardened my heart some and am putting myself first, self preservation. I still have the guilt but not the tears over this thanks to all of you.
It does make some sense. We finally make the decision when the person demands more care than one person can provide. Unfortunately at this stage the elderly parent does not have the energy, health or cognitive ability to join activities or meet and remember new friends. If I had moved my parents into a facility a few years earlier, they would have been able to find activities that they enjoyed, leave the facility on some trips and have meaningful interaction with others residents. I think that freqflyer has a good point. I am going to write up my plan, get it notarized and give it my son. That way if I "forget", he will have proof!
I read that she had dismissed the caregivers that were hired. I get the feeling your mother needs to have one person that she depends on and feels close to -- someone she can trust. It's sad that she doesn't have that one friend to fill this role. It would be great if you could find a caregiver she actually likes and bonds with, so they could do things together.
Since your mother is still legally competent, I don't know how much more you can do. You can't make her move if she doesn't want to. The only thing I can think of is to try to locate a caregiver that she will accept as a touchstone and friend. That is quite a task, I know, particularly from 6 hours away. It may be that you'll have to wait until things fall into place, then decide what needs to be done. I sympathize with you and your mother. I have a hard time understanding the attachment some people have for their homes when they're older. You can't get them out with a shoe horn. I hope you can find someone she likes that can come in to help her.
I don't know what else you can be doing. You are doing everything you can and then some. You can't move in with her and physically make her socialize.
I'm sure her phone calls are draining. Being someone's lifeline is exhausting. Can you cut down on the number of times you speak to her? At least while you're at work? No sense in your mom dragging both of you down.
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