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We will all need help. and we need to plan for it. Do NOT expect this to be done by a single person, because one can’t do it alone! Put support bars & other aids in place. Pare down. Look into professional home care, so that you have more than one source of help. And take good care of yourself as best you can!
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I do not and hope my 2 sons will not have to take care of me, I have a will in place and pre arrangements have been made. This will be a wait and see what happens situation. No one really wants to go to a home, including me, so hoping for in home care of some sort, when I am a vegetable or totally bonkers then put me in a home, when I get to the point where it won't make a difference then put me in a home. I am an only child, I live 425 miles from my mom who has Alzheimer's dementia, she is not too bad off but I know one day her time will come. I did not want to move this far away but it was the only place I could afford to purchase on a limited income. My mom could have helped me by helping me fix up my old house so I coud remain closer to her but life is what it is .Not one dime. My parents made no plans for retirement and after life. I pay my mom's life insurance and bills. I never want my sons to go through this. We talk about it anyway.
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Myownlife Jan 2022
Do you pay her bills with her money or yours?
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I do not want to leave my only child with the burden of caring for me. I would like to have all of the decisions made, all of the paperwork in order and have most of my things downsized so that there is minimal "stuff" to have to get rid of. I know we do not live in a perfect world and I don't know what my future holds...will I get dementia like my mom, will I get cancer, will I have a stroke? Who knows, but I am not of the mindset that "it's not my problem" or someone else will have to deal with that. I think it's a selfish way to be...and I do know people who feel that way.
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I'm an only child with no close relatives. My parents really didn't have a plan. Dad passed, mom can't drive and has alot of appointments. While we are making it work....my plan after my divorce was to move to my "dream home" (a cabin in a wooded area.) The home I've pictured since I was like five years old. I've been divorced now five years and still "making it work with mom".

(Oh and as an aside....its not like my parents didn't know I was getting divorced. It was planned TWO years in advance and executed a week ahead of schedule. They had warning and it apparently never crossed their mind that a single divorced woman might have to work in her late 50s instead of dropping everything to drive mom around. Gah!)
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Myownlife Jan 2022
I love your dream home idea! I am in my "dream home", not fancy, but in a quiet neighborhood, oval road around a pond, with ducks, turtles, seabirds, bougainvillea, royal poinciana growing from a small cutting 7 years ago when my daughter planted it. But I'm sharing "my" home with mom (96) and daughter (39) whose planning on "soon" getting a different job and moving with her boyfriend to their own place. I am in that "making it work with mom" phase, except I'm about 8-9 years older than you. And when my alone time comes, I sometimes think about moving back to the country and really like the cabin in the woods idea. I just go day by day right now, try to be prepared for new situations with Mom as much as I can. And tomorrow I will go to a funeral for an acquaintance who passed away just before his 98th birthday. I worry about when/how Mom will go and know I have no control over that, just hoping it will be easy for her.
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I am taking care of my elderly mom... on my 5th year now... really surprised she has lived this long as this will be the oldest in her family history. To me she doesn't like the life she has to live....she has very bad arthritis and she has hernia's that have limited what she can eat. She is very alert for 98, she uses her iPad - checks her checking account, and uses her iPhone to play games. She has what her dr calls is short term memory due to age...I would guess that is some form of dementia...when she is tired it is much worse. I was the least likely to take care of her and yet I am doing it.... And it is tougher than I ever thought.

I am trying to make plans for myself...once I don't have to care for her I will work on it more...because I do not want my children to have to take care of me once I lose my independence. Besides... I have 2 sons.... and I will do whatever I can to prevent it.

I really just don't think my mom planned, I believe she figured she would have a stroke like everyone in her family did.

I don't feel I owe it to my mom, I love her very much.... but it certainly isn't easy.

Make your decisions and make them known to your children...but also get them in writing.
Best Wishes !!
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bundleofjoy Jan 2022
98 years old:

“uses her iPad, checks her checking account, uses her iPhone to play games”

amazing.

i hope you can be ok, happy, and your mother too!!
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dear exhaustedone,
:)

regarding what we expect of our children (or in my case, future children)…

and how there are many of us adult children helping our parents a lot…

you wrote in another post:

“we're the ones living in our heads. We've got to do all we can to try and make that a positive place to retreat to.”

——
well, i’d like you to know, that your words helped me.

so there.
you helped 1 human being greatly :).

bundle of joy :)
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ExhaustedOne Jan 2022
I'm so so so happy to read your post. Some days the battle does seem uphill with only a downhill result for your LO. It is exhausting (hence, the name!) and taxing on every level...emotional, physical and mental. But we do it. Every day we do our best. This is all anyone in this universe can ask of us if we are on this road.

I know many of us wish there was some alternative but there just isn't sometimes. But I'll stick to my plan to try and make the inside of my head as pleasant and as positive as I can. It's all we have, right?

Peace to you and yours :)
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I've already discussed this with my daughter (she's 17 and has been watching me go through all the issues with my Dad). I told her that her Dad and I have a plan, and we will continue to evolve that plan, to make sure our needs are cared for so she is never in the position I am in. Granted, he's in AL so I don't have to do the personal care stuff, but so much other stuff was in shambles — the house, his finances, his health — all because he kept putting off making decisions. I begged my parents for years to move closer! And I begged my Dad to make some decisions after my Mom died. He kept putting it off and so the last time he left his house was in an ambulance and now I'm trying to pick up the pieces for him. It's destroyed our relationship. I resent him utterly for doing this to me. I just don't want to put my daughter though that, and I definitely don't want her to feel about me (or my husband) the way I feel about my father right now.
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Myownlife Jan 2022
And it may be that he always wished for you to move closer to him. I understand this because it was what my parents hoped I would do. But I just couldn't..... the town I grew up in evolved into an overgrown city and it was not where I wanted to be. I wish that I could have done that for them, but I would have been absolutely miserable.

And now, having brought Mom over with me about 5 years ago, I see how having made her move here hurt her and I feel so terribly bad. But she had no friends/family there to help her out and she wasn't safe any longer to live alone at home. And the thought of trying to manage caregivers for her in her home while I lived 2-3 hours away, just wasn't an acceptable idea.

As much as you can, try to forgive him. I know my dad couldn't have coped if my mom had gone first. And I remember toward the end, him looking at me and apologizing for leaving me to "have" to care for Mom. But once I reached my early 60's, it just wasn't such a hard thing for me to begin thinking about bringing Mom over to live with me. Oh, there have been some really hard times, for each of us, but now I am just sad she doesn't have "her home".

I wish you peace and send many caring wishes your way.
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Well, as I have no children or any first-level family, I suppose I'll be on my own. I don't think the elderly have the entire picture in their heads about what care will eventually involve, and then when they arrive at that point they are frightened and often mentally diminished. My father would have been aghast at the level of care I had to do for him toward the end, but once we arrived at that point, I was the only one he would allow to help him.
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Santalynn Jan 2022
Your description of your dad's last days reminded me of how my dad seemed to 'opt out' of life at a relatively young age, only 65, tho he did have a number of military service-connected issues (cardiovascular, etc.) He and my mom would go on 'senior trips' that she reveled in but he'd tell me 'it's just a bunch of Old People' (!) so it became clear to me he did not relish growing older. I lived many states away and saw a picture of him on one such trip, taken just a month before he died and was appalled to see he looked 80, feeble, pale, a shadow of himself. A heart attack took him, but I think he was just ready to be done with life.
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I don't have any kids but I do hope that the younger relatives I've named as my substitute decision makers will make an effort to find me a NICE facility and visit once in a while.
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Myownlife Jan 2022
Aww, I would visit, cwillie, except I think you are way over across the pond if I remember right?
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I do not want or expect my children to take care of me and will plan accordingly.
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I have one son that wants me to move in his guesthouse when I get out of the nursing home. but I don't like where he lives very well. My stepsons are great. They want me to stay in Maine. I didn't have children to take care of me. I won't know until after my surgery if or when I'll get out of the nursing home. My leg and ankle are really messed up. Plus I have nerve damage in my lower back that may leave me permanently incontinent (bladder).
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polarbear Jan 2022
Becky - You're at the beginning of the stage where most of us fear. Wishing the best recovery and that you will be as independent as possible.
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I do not want my children to put aside their lives to care for me… I have a 401 and a paid for home … empty it … live a full life !
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I have been paying for Long Term Care Insurance just so that no family member will have to do for me what I did for my Husband. I love (ed) him dearly and I do not regret a moment of the care that I gave him, and I would do it all again, but I would not want to put that on anyone else.
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Myownlife Jan 2022
How does that work? i.e. If say you pass away before it is used, is that money lost?
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When I'm older I will be cared for in a facility because I don't have children. I only have a sister and I'm not close to any of her children. I would never even expect them to care for me.
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This is a great discussion with so many helpful insights. It really is a conundrum for so many. There is some disconnect in our culture that says "live as old as you possibly can" yet we don't have the means, as a society, to care for those who have lived a long time but now can not take care of themselves. This website, in my opinion, is dedicated to support for the invisible army of family caregivers who aren't noticed, appreciated and are out there every day doing it because it HAS TO BE DONE.

Everyone wants to live to a ripe old age but in the body they had at 30. Nobody ever does though.
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Geaton777 Jan 2022
EO, I agree and think that part of the disconnect is:
1) few people really are present when their elderly LO declines so that there's a real first-hand knowledge of what it's like and what it takes to live like that or help the LO on a daily basis.
2) romanticization: we see Hollywood or advertisers' versions of what it's like and it is not reality in any way; when they do plan they are very unrealistic about expectations.
3) denial: people don't want to talk about decline and dying until it's upon them -- and then it's way too late

I'm from the generation where elders retired to a golf community somewhere in the FL. Then the next thing you know they are in the NH, hospital or grave. There's a whole lot that gets missed. My sons have seen their grandparents decline and one pass away, so I'm grateful that they have some real-life experience with it, not just for their grandparents or for me & hubs' sakes, but for themselves and their own planning and expectations from life.
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No, and if my wife outlives me, they have already told me that they will manage finances and things, but not everyday type stuff like I do.
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I fully intend to avoid becoming my children's responsibility. Assuming I have enough money, I want to go to a community that offers everything from Independent Living to end-of-life care. I've already found a low-income senior residence building within a community like the above, so if I don't have the money, I still know that the low-income unit is a possibility.
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I've written before about an ex work colleugue.. stated that's what children are for, to look after you blah blah blah. Would invite her daughter to dinner, serve it, then sit like a Queen & smugly told me "she should be thankful I cooked - SHE needs to clean up".

She decided to retire early & stated her kids would now "have to look after her". I asked why, as she was totally independent. I asked if she had been invited to live with her kids? Oh no! "I won't be moving from MY house!"

One kid joined the army & went OS. The other went rural to run a farm.

Always wondered how that worked out for her 😂
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cherokeegrrl54 Jan 2022
That’s funny, but really it’s not because a lot of people who are “retirement “ age do just that. My best friend in Tx went thru this with her DIL. She had her 3 young sons doing laundry, scrubbing bathrooms , even telling them repeatedly “well you know that’s why I had kids is so you can take care of me”. This really happened. Her husband would have to cook dinner at 930-10 pm and clean up after he came home from work. The wife came home from her part time job (4 hrs) and fixed her food and sat on the couch playing games on her phone or napping. The husband finally divorced her, for good reasons and the judge granted him full custody. But…he also found her an apt and paid first mnths rent. Now he is happy, his boys are happy and he found a lady who became his best friend thru their kids playing sports together. They are now married and live a happy well blended life. I’m glad for those boys bcaus their birth mom was a fat lazy b$$ch….
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Depends in cultures. I don't have children either but it still amazes me how many adults don't care for their parents. I work in a hospital and it's truly sad to see elders with no one to speak for them. When I contact their children they are just so clueless, and don't know any of their medical history, they know nothing. If I have children I don't think I would want them to stress over me but just phone me, video call me, know what is going on with me and my medical stuff would be enough.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2022
This isn't always because the adult children don't care.

I have tried to get information from my mom and she will literally say, "The doctor said I got this thing, blah, blah, blah, blah." Okay! That was helpful. (I tell her I would fire my doctor for telling me blah, blah, blah, blah.)

No matter how many questions I ask, I get no information, it's a game with her. The scary part? I am her emergency contact and I can't be the least bit helpful if I am called.

So, please consider this next time you feel like the poor senior has horses hindends for children. Sometimes it is all the seniors choice.
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of course there are exceptions…but what i see generally, is that those adult children who cared for their parents (who went through a lot of stress/hardships) don’t do that to their own children, because they know what it was like.

those who never took care of their parents (maybe they died young, or a sibling helped, or whatever), sometimes very much (perhaps secretly) want their adult children one day to care for them (this doesn’t necessarily mean hands-on care, but to deal with the stress/problems).
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No, I do not expect nor want my children to do my personal care when I’m older. I will go to senior living with different levels of care. I have money saved for that. I want to spend my time with them laughing and loving. I want them to enjoy life and not worry about me.
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NO WAY ON EARTH!

If necessary I expect to be placed in a fine local progressive care complex that became “home” to my mother, 2 cherished aunts and a dear uncle.

I have strongly expressed this intention to my children and they understand and agree!
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We all say No, we do NOT want our children caring for us in our old age, changing our Depends, dealing with our out-of-control dementia, blowouts in the bathroom, driving the car when we're too far gone to BE driving the car, wandering out of the house at 2 am, staying up all night screaming & carrying on, etc. Yet we have children of elders here on this site INSISTING it's their 'duty' to do just that; to care for their parents at home b/c it's 'the right thing to do' and because 'mom changed MY diaper when I was a baby' so it's 'my turn to change hers' and 'because I love her and would NEVER PUT HER IN A *GASP* HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

So maybe it's a good idea that we put our wishes IN WRITING so that our children do not feel obligated to care for us when we DO reach the point that we're beyond a 'burden' to them and wind up ruining their lives, their marriages, their jobs and their futures due to caring for us out of misguided guilt & a sense of duty.

I don't know about you, but I certainly did not have children so they could 'repay' me for changing their diapers for a couple of years when they were babies. To compare that to changing MY diapers as a 150 lb (or whatever) grown adult is pure nonsense. And to think my children should have to give up their lives, jobs and families to cater to THAT level of care is beyond selfish & outrageous. Especially when other options are readily available.

What I DO expect of my children in my old age is to call me and to visit me sometimes wherever I'm located to keep me company in my old age. And they should do it out of love & a desire to see me; otherwise, never mind. That's about it. If I have surgery and my DH isn't around to help me b/c he died or whatever, then yes, I would certainly appreciate my son or daughter stepping up to help me out for a week or two to get back on my feet. But that's something entirely different than expecting them to take me on full time in home when I'm very old and demented or wheelchair bound, etc.
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Riverdale Jan 2022
Perfectly stated.
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I think most people don't "expect" it, but stuff tends to happen before you expect it to, and most people aren't capable of making those decisions for themselves when the time comes.

The main thing is to ensure you have all your documents in order far in advance of when you think you should. My husband and I did our first wills and trusts and POAs in our thirties, because we had young children and we wanted to specify who should take them if something happened to them. We updated the trust about three years ago as our kids are now adults.

Our son is our POA and is perfectly capable of handling our financial affairs. We have enough money to pay for nursing homes if needed. We've planned as much as we can at this point in our lives. We're only 60 now with no health issues yet, but you just never know.

My parents got their papers taken care of by the skin of the teeth. They had all their papers done by a trust and estate attorney mere weeks before my mom would have not been competent to sign. They had investments, real estate and NO wills, trust, or POA, and thanks to my brother and me hassling them incessantly, my dad finally agreed to deal with it. He was 85 years old and perfectly healthy, but he was gone less than three years later, and my mom's mind was gone months later.

I was thrust into the role of POA and Trustee even before Dad was gone in 2018, and fortunately, everything was set up to transition smoothly. I'm still serving as Trustee, and there have yet to be any hiccups. I'm grateful to my parents for (finally) taking care of their affairs. Better late than never.

The main thing is to admit you are going to die someday. Plan for it, plan for your old age, and don't get offended if the younger family members want you to handle this stuff. It's your responsibility to plan for this whether you expect a child to care for you or not.
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No, and this is based on my experiences with caregiving 4 different elderly LOs, some of which my sons where involved when they were teens.

My hubs and I recently finalized a Living Trust and we took the opportunity to explain it all to them (they are now 31, 27 and 23 yrs old). At this point only 1 of them has a girlfriend (so no wives). I let them know I would NOT expect or want any of them to provide daily hands-on care for us, and I definitely do not want them to help me with sensitive/private hygiene care -- ever. Now, their dad is another issue and up to him.

If it were "just" a matter of changing a "diaper" then people wouldn't be burning out left and right. It is a naive and romanticized notion that it's like changing the cat litter box. No one who has never been a caregiver can ever imagine what a life altering commitment this is. I couldn't live with the thought of knowingly burning out my own children when there were other options for my care available that I didn't bother to plan for.

As for my mom, I think she used to love the idea of being taken care of by me but then she witnessed first-hand the train wreck that occurred with my in-laws and the toll it took on us and she was disabused of this notion. I reassure her that I will keep her in her home until she is 1) no longer safe without constant supervision and 2) needs more help than I am willing/able to provide or she is willing to accept. She has agreed to go into the very fine facility 3 miles from my home where my MIL currently resides....whether she will remember this agreement is its own issue.
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Never, never, would I want my daughters to care for me when I need it.

I have instructed them that they are to use my money to get me care, no matter how much I complain and ask to live with them. Dementia has hit the last two generations of my family, so I don’t know what kind of craziness might be coming out of my mouth, by then.

What I AM doing, though, is giving them insight into what kinds of things I have had to do to provide for my mother’s care. I had no idea what to do going into this whole mess. I want my daughters to have a general direction in which to go.

I am in my late 50’s. My husband is 61. We have drawn up legal documents, and made sure that our children have copies.
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No I do not expect my child to take care of me. The hubs and I have spent hours talking about what we are going to do. We plan on some type of senior community. What I have learned to do is stick up for myself and make my parents pay for themselves. Paying for wheelchairs etc all adds up. I cannot support 2 households. We also have made financial boundaries with our son. We helped him with his college education but for anything beyond a bachelor's degree he is on his own. He did not attend a fancy university. Many of our friends are paying for their children's post grad education. Many of our friends are paying off their kids credit card balances. The hubs and I need our money for ourselves. The biggest difference between my parents and me (hubs and myself) is we go to the doctor. We keep our appointments and do what is asked of us. We are not in a 20+ year denial of "I don't really have diabetes". Most of all is my expectations on my son are very different than my parents. I have worked, sacrificed and saved and planned til I am blue in the face so my kid won't have to do what I've had to do.
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After watching what I went through while caring for my husband, I made it very clear to my children that I NEVER wanted them to have to take care of me like that. They saw first hand how hard it was on me, and I would not wish that on my children ever!
We live in a screwed up world where some parents think that it is the children's duty or obligation to care for them as they age. That is so wrong. While yes, if the child or children want to be involved in helping set up in home care from an agency or help finding the appropriate facility to place their parent(s) in(using the parents money of course and not theirs),that is fine, and in some cases needed. But as far as the hands on care by their children, that is a hard NO WAY from me.
We raise our children to be independent from us and they should remain that way. We should not then back track and be dependent on them for anything other than their love and support.(and I don't mean financially either)
We as older folks(although I'm not really "older" yet as I'm only 62)have had the opportunity to live and enjoy our lives the way we saw fit, so our children should be given that same opportunity, without the burden of thinking that they're somehow responsible for our care.
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Good lord....no, no and NO. My parents have the means to pay for the care given in Al, but chose not to. My dad is pretty self sufficient, but taking care of mom is slowly wearing him out. My sister and I do a lot of the heavy lifting and at 71 I find myself being resentful at times. My dad's feelings are to wait until Hospice becomes involved (vascular dementia), then Medicare will pay. We are getting close to that point, but in the interim, it's tough. At some point in the relatively near future we will have to shuffle her "stuff" around to make room for a hospital bed.......and that will be a major battle. Hopefully by then she won't care any longer, but I'm doubtful. It's a lot to expect from your kids, and my only hope is for them to happy and enjoy life as much as possible. Taking care of me would not only strip them of that, but my dignity as well. Not happening.
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Interesting question for our discussion, section, actually.
I was not expected to take care of my parents. I am 80, so that shows that in the 30s and 40s they were saving to care for themselves in age. They also moved (too early I thuoght) from a home to an area that was basically a "village" of care in Missouri, of differing levels. Moving from a condo and self care, having own car, they went to apartment, from there my Mom as survivor into differing levels of care. I was trained to be very self sufficient and able, to save, and to be independent. I was trained that the parent cares for the child and the child passes this on in caring for those dependents in his OWN life, not backward to the parent.
So basically I did not care for my parents other than to love them, and I provided toward the end of their time some things they otherwise wouldn't have had, learning computer, having the equipment, having someone come in weekly to clean for them, and etc.
I had a brother. Both of us were taught to be responsible for education, for money to save it for our own age. We both did this. And we ended (luckily) able to care for ourselves. I have discussed with my children that care, either hands on or financially is not expected; it is expected they care for their OWN children, for themselves.
I think basically few people think about age. I often hear people on forum complaining about the money they are spending on their parents.I always ask what they will do when this money they should now be saving is gone and they cannot care for themselves. I seldom get answers.
All of this said I have been both hard working AND lucky. Both are required to end with a job you love, and one that pays you enough to live and to save. I think times are different. Our kids are both having to work in their households, both to have cars, education for their children is very costly; I see them as able to save less, also unable to "go without". The times, as they say, are always "a-changin".
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