How many people here caring for a LO expect that level of care from their own children someday?

No. My daughter is an RN working herself up from an LPN and she has already told me she is not toileting me, she did enough of that on the job. Because of my Mom I would not expect my girls to physically care for me. My DH and I have been able to invest some of our money. Hopefully it will be enough for us to care for ourselves. When I am 85 my girls will still be in their 50s. Both single at this point so need to work.

Absolutely not! It is not her responsibility. I hope she will visit often but no way do I want her to do that. It is my responsibility to make sure I have planned for long term care. I want her to live her life. I would hope that if I can’t manage my finances that she would take care of that end of things if I could not but not the hands on type of care that I’d actually prefer a trained person to do. However I don’t expect that either, it is a discussion to have before it gets to that point and we have talked about things like this.

I have 4 daughters. All of them have let me know, in a kind way, that I am not to expect hands on care when I get 'there'...and so DH and I have planned accordingly. Of course I want to live independently, but we are right now in the process of moving to a LARGER home that can handle CG's living with us, if necessary. We won't even use the basement unless the gkids come over.

We never planned to have our kids care for us and luckily, saved and invested so that will not happen. We'll 'age out' in our home or move to an ALF.

Gosh, my kids didn't even help when I went through cancer. (I knew if I reached out to them, they would have come, but chose not to).

Every family is different and multigenerational living works beautifully for some families, it's a hot mess for others.

Nover! My kids will get POA & we might move to the same town they live in if it comes to that - all this many years from now but never living in the same house and hands-on caregiving. We've saved for our retirement and will sell our house etc.

I'm hating caring for my mom like a child but we don't have a choice, If there was no virus, I'd have hired an p/t aide for my mom but we still worry about Omicron even tho' we are all vaccinated & boosted. Money is also an issue. I'm mentally always on for mom & I'd never inflict this on my children.

Interesting question for our discussion, section, actually.
I was not expected to take care of my parents. I am 80, so that shows that in the 30s and 40s they were saving to care for themselves in age. They also moved (too early I thuoght) from a home to an area that was basically a "village" of care in Missouri, of differing levels. Moving from a condo and self care, having own car, they went to apartment, from there my Mom as survivor into differing levels of care. I was trained to be very self sufficient and able, to save, and to be independent. I was trained that the parent cares for the child and the child passes this on in caring for those dependents in his OWN life, not backward to the parent.
So basically I did not care for my parents other than to love them, and I provided toward the end of their time some things they otherwise wouldn't have had, learning computer, having the equipment, having someone come in weekly to clean for them, and etc.
I had a brother. Both of us were taught to be responsible for education, for money to save it for our own age. We both did this. And we ended (luckily) able to care for ourselves. I have discussed with my children that care, either hands on or financially is not expected; it is expected they care for their OWN children, for themselves.
I think basically few people think about age. I often hear people on forum complaining about the money they are spending on their parents.I always ask what they will do when this money they should now be saving is gone and they cannot care for themselves. I seldom get answers.
All of this said I have been both hard working AND lucky. Both are required to end with a job you love, and one that pays you enough to live and to save. I think times are different. Our kids are both having to work in their households, both to have cars, education for their children is very costly; I see them as able to save less, also unable to "go without". The times, as they say, are always "a-changin".

Good lord....no, no and NO. My parents have the means to pay for the care given in Al, but chose not to. My dad is pretty self sufficient, but taking care of mom is slowly wearing him out. My sister and I do a lot of the heavy lifting and at 71 I find myself being resentful at times. My dad's feelings are to wait until Hospice becomes involved (vascular dementia), then Medicare will pay. We are getting close to that point, but in the interim, it's tough. At some point in the relatively near future we will have to shuffle her "stuff" around to make room for a hospital bed.......and that will be a major battle. Hopefully by then she won't care any longer, but I'm doubtful. It's a lot to expect from your kids, and my only hope is for them to happy and enjoy life as much as possible. Taking care of me would not only strip them of that, but my dignity as well. Not happening.

After watching what I went through while caring for my husband, I made it very clear to my children that I NEVER wanted them to have to take care of me like that. They saw first hand how hard it was on me, and I would not wish that on my children ever!
We live in a screwed up world where some parents think that it is the children's duty or obligation to care for them as they age. That is so wrong. While yes, if the child or children want to be involved in helping set up in home care from an agency or help finding the appropriate facility to place their parent(s) in(using the parents money of course and not theirs),that is fine, and in some cases needed. But as far as the hands on care by their children, that is a hard NO WAY from me.
We raise our children to be independent from us and they should remain that way. We should not then back track and be dependent on them for anything other than their love and support.(and I don't mean financially either)
We as older folks(although I'm not really "older" yet as I'm only 62)have had the opportunity to live and enjoy our lives the way we saw fit, so our children should be given that same opportunity, without the burden of thinking that they're somehow responsible for our care.

No I do not expect my child to take care of me. The hubs and I have spent hours talking about what we are going to do. We plan on some type of senior community. What I have learned to do is stick up for myself and make my parents pay for themselves. Paying for wheelchairs etc all adds up. I cannot support 2 households. We also have made financial boundaries with our son. We helped him with his college education but for anything beyond a bachelor's degree he is on his own. He did not attend a fancy university. Many of our friends are paying for their children's post grad education. Many of our friends are paying off their kids credit card balances. The hubs and I need our money for ourselves. The biggest difference between my parents and me (hubs and myself) is we go to the doctor. We keep our appointments and do what is asked of us. We are not in a 20+ year denial of "I don't really have diabetes". Most of all is my expectations on my son are very different than my parents. I have worked, sacrificed and saved and planned til I am blue in the face so my kid won't have to do what I've had to do.

Never, never, would I want my daughters to care for me when I need it.

I have instructed them that they are to use my money to get me care, no matter how much I complain and ask to live with them. Dementia has hit the last two generations of my family, so I don’t know what kind of craziness might be coming out of my mouth, by then.

What I AM doing, though, is giving them insight into what kinds of things I have had to do to provide for my mother’s care. I had no idea what to do going into this whole mess. I want my daughters to have a general direction in which to go.

I am in my late 50’s. My husband is 61. We have drawn up legal documents, and made sure that our children have copies.

No, and this is based on my experiences with caregiving 4 different elderly LOs, some of which my sons where involved when they were teens.

My hubs and I recently finalized a Living Trust and we took the opportunity to explain it all to them (they are now 31, 27 and 23 yrs old). At this point only 1 of them has a girlfriend (so no wives). I let them know I would NOT expect or want any of them to provide daily hands-on care for us, and I definitely do not want them to help me with sensitive/private hygiene care -- ever. Now, their dad is another issue and up to him.

If it were "just" a matter of changing a "diaper" then people wouldn't be burning out left and right. It is a naive and romanticized notion that it's like changing the cat litter box. No one who has never been a caregiver can ever imagine what a life altering commitment this is. I couldn't live with the thought of knowingly burning out my own children when there were other options for my care available that I didn't bother to plan for.

As for my mom, I think she used to love the idea of being taken care of by me but then she witnessed first-hand the train wreck that occurred with my in-laws and the toll it took on us and she was disabused of this notion. I reassure her that I will keep her in her home until she is 1) no longer safe without constant supervision and 2) needs more help than I am willing/able to provide or she is willing to accept. She has agreed to go into the very fine facility 3 miles from my home where my MIL currently resides....whether she will remember this agreement is its own issue.

I think most people don't "expect" it, but stuff tends to happen before you expect it to, and most people aren't capable of making those decisions for themselves when the time comes.

The main thing is to ensure you have all your documents in order far in advance of when you think you should. My husband and I did our first wills and trusts and POAs in our thirties, because we had young children and we wanted to specify who should take them if something happened to them. We updated the trust about three years ago as our kids are now adults.

Our son is our POA and is perfectly capable of handling our financial affairs. We have enough money to pay for nursing homes if needed. We've planned as much as we can at this point in our lives. We're only 60 now with no health issues yet, but you just never know.

My parents got their papers taken care of by the skin of the teeth. They had all their papers done by a trust and estate attorney mere weeks before my mom would have not been competent to sign. They had investments, real estate and NO wills, trust, or POA, and thanks to my brother and me hassling them incessantly, my dad finally agreed to deal with it. He was 85 years old and perfectly healthy, but he was gone less than three years later, and my mom's mind was gone months later.

I was thrust into the role of POA and Trustee even before Dad was gone in 2018, and fortunately, everything was set up to transition smoothly. I'm still serving as Trustee, and there have yet to be any hiccups. I'm grateful to my parents for (finally) taking care of their affairs. Better late than never.

The main thing is to admit you are going to die someday. Plan for it, plan for your old age, and don't get offended if the younger family members want you to handle this stuff. It's your responsibility to plan for this whether you expect a child to care for you or not.

We all say No, we do NOT want our children caring for us in our old age, changing our Depends, dealing with our out-of-control dementia, blowouts in the bathroom, driving the car when we're too far gone to BE driving the car, wandering out of the house at 2 am, staying up all night screaming & carrying on, etc. Yet we have children of elders here on this site INSISTING it's their 'duty' to do just that; to care for their parents at home b/c it's 'the right thing to do' and because 'mom changed MY diaper when I was a baby' so it's 'my turn to change hers' and 'because I love her and would NEVER PUT HER IN A *GASP* HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

So maybe it's a good idea that we put our wishes IN WRITING so that our children do not feel obligated to care for us when we DO reach the point that we're beyond a 'burden' to them and wind up ruining their lives, their marriages, their jobs and their futures due to caring for us out of misguided guilt & a sense of duty.

I don't know about you, but I certainly did not have children so they could 'repay' me for changing their diapers for a couple of years when they were babies. To compare that to changing MY diapers as a 150 lb (or whatever) grown adult is pure nonsense. And to think my children should have to give up their lives, jobs and families to cater to THAT level of care is beyond selfish & outrageous. Especially when other options are readily available.

What I DO expect of my children in my old age is to call me and to visit me sometimes wherever I'm located to keep me company in my old age. And they should do it out of love & a desire to see me; otherwise, never mind. That's about it. If I have surgery and my DH isn't around to help me b/c he died or whatever, then yes, I would certainly appreciate my son or daughter stepping up to help me out for a week or two to get back on my feet. But that's something entirely different than expecting them to take me on full time in home when I'm very old and demented or wheelchair bound, etc.

NO WAY ON EARTH!

If necessary I expect to be placed in a fine local progressive care complex that became “home” to my mother, 2 cherished aunts and a dear uncle.

I have strongly expressed this intention to my children and they understand and agree!

No, I do not expect nor want my children to do my personal care when I’m older. I will go to senior living with different levels of care. I have money saved for that. I want to spend my time with them laughing and loving. I want them to enjoy life and not worry about me.

of course there are exceptions…but what i see generally, is that those adult children who cared for their parents (who went through a lot of stress/hardships) don’t do that to their own children, because they know what it was like.

those who never took care of their parents (maybe they died young, or a sibling helped, or whatever), sometimes very much (perhaps secretly) want their adult children one day to care for them (this doesn’t necessarily mean hands-on care, but to deal with the stress/problems).

Depends in cultures. I don't have children either but it still amazes me how many adults don't care for their parents. I work in a hospital and it's truly sad to see elders with no one to speak for them. When I contact their children they are just so clueless, and don't know any of their medical history, they know nothing. If I have children I don't think I would want them to stress over me but just phone me, video call me, know what is going on with me and my medical stuff would be enough.

I've written before about an ex work colleugue.. stated that's what children are for, to look after you blah blah blah. Would invite her daughter to dinner, serve it, then sit like a Queen & smugly told me "she should be thankful I cooked - SHE needs to clean up".

She decided to retire early & stated her kids would now "have to look after her". I asked why, as she was totally independent. I asked if she had been invited to live with her kids? Oh no! "I won't be moving from MY house!"

One kid joined the army & went OS. The other went rural to run a farm.

Always wondered how that worked out for her 😂

I fully intend to avoid becoming my children's responsibility. Assuming I have enough money, I want to go to a community that offers everything from Independent Living to end-of-life care. I've already found a low-income senior residence building within a community like the above, so if I don't have the money, I still know that the low-income unit is a possibility.

No, and if my wife outlives me, they have already told me that they will manage finances and things, but not everyday type stuff like I do.

This is a great discussion with so many helpful insights. It really is a conundrum for so many. There is some disconnect in our culture that says "live as old as you possibly can" yet we don't have the means, as a society, to care for those who have lived a long time but now can not take care of themselves. This website, in my opinion, is dedicated to support for the invisible army of family caregivers who aren't noticed, appreciated and are out there every day doing it because it HAS TO BE DONE.

Everyone wants to live to a ripe old age but in the body they had at 30. Nobody ever does though.

When I'm older I will be cared for in a facility because I don't have children. I only have a sister and I'm not close to any of her children. I would never even expect them to care for me.

I have been paying for Long Term Care Insurance just so that no family member will have to do for me what I did for my Husband. I love (ed) him dearly and I do not regret a moment of the care that I gave him, and I would do it all again, but I would not want to put that on anyone else.

I do not want my children to put aside their lives to care for me… I have a 401 and a paid for home … empty it … live a full life !

I have one son that wants me to move in his guesthouse when I get out of the nursing home. but I don't like where he lives very well. My stepsons are great. They want me to stay in Maine. I didn't have children to take care of me. I won't know until after my surgery if or when I'll get out of the nursing home. My leg and ankle are really messed up. Plus I have nerve damage in my lower back that may leave me permanently incontinent (bladder).

I do not want or expect my children to take care of me and will plan accordingly.

I don't have any kids but I do hope that the younger relatives I've named as my substitute decision makers will make an effort to find me a NICE facility and visit once in a while.

Well, as I have no children or any first-level family, I suppose I'll be on my own. I don't think the elderly have the entire picture in their heads about what care will eventually involve, and then when they arrive at that point they are frightened and often mentally diminished. My father would have been aghast at the level of care I had to do for him toward the end, but once we arrived at that point, I was the only one he would allow to help him.

I've already discussed this with my daughter (she's 17 and has been watching me go through all the issues with my Dad). I told her that her Dad and I have a plan, and we will continue to evolve that plan, to make sure our needs are cared for so she is never in the position I am in. Granted, he's in AL so I don't have to do the personal care stuff, but so much other stuff was in shambles — the house, his finances, his health — all because he kept putting off making decisions. I begged my parents for years to move closer! And I begged my Dad to make some decisions after my Mom died. He kept putting it off and so the last time he left his house was in an ambulance and now I'm trying to pick up the pieces for him. It's destroyed our relationship. I resent him utterly for doing this to me. I just don't want to put my daughter though that, and I definitely don't want her to feel about me (or my husband) the way I feel about my father right now.

dear exhaustedone,
:)

regarding what we expect of our children (or in my case, future children)…

and how there are many of us adult children helping our parents a lot…

you wrote in another post:

“we're the ones living in our heads. We've got to do all we can to try and make that a positive place to retreat to.”

——
well, i’d like you to know, that your words helped me.

so there.
you helped 1 human being greatly :).

bundle of joy :)

I am taking care of my elderly mom... on my 5th year now... really surprised she has lived this long as this will be the oldest in her family history. To me she doesn't like the life she has to live....she has very bad arthritis and she has hernia's that have limited what she can eat. She is very alert for 98, she uses her iPad - checks her checking account, and uses her iPhone to play games. She has what her dr calls is short term memory due to age...I would guess that is some form of dementia...when she is tired it is much worse. I was the least likely to take care of her and yet I am doing it.... And it is tougher than I ever thought.

I am trying to make plans for myself...once I don't have to care for her I will work on it more...because I do not want my children to have to take care of me once I lose my independence. Besides... I have 2 sons.... and I will do whatever I can to prevent it.

I really just don't think my mom planned, I believe she figured she would have a stroke like everyone in her family did.

I don't feel I owe it to my mom, I love her very much.... but it certainly isn't easy.

Make your decisions and make them known to your children...but also get them in writing.
Best Wishes !!