How many of us still take our parents out and about? Should she be out?

You never ran into my Husband while I had him out.
He made quite a bit of noise. Most of it a sort of moaning sound and I would have people ask if he was in pain. I would gently tell them that he had Alzheimer's and this was one of his "quirks".
I would kid that it was easy to find him if he wandered off while I went to grab a bunch of bananas!
I would have kids look at him and ask their mom "why is that man crying?" I would jump in with..He is not crying this is just a noise he makes because his brain does not work as well as it used to. I would then ask if they had classmates that had Autism and most of the time I would get a nod of the head. I would ask then..does your classmate make noises sometimes? And again I would get a yes. I would explain it is sort of the same thing. And I would thank them for being so caring.
If you go to the same places to eat lunch or dinner the staff will begin to know your mom and will be extra patient.
There are cards that the Alzheimer's Association has that are something like...Please be patient the person I am with has Alzheimer's and may need a bit more time.

As far as other diners or people in stores...most people are so preoccupied with themselves that they do not notice a bit of extra noise. And with all the noise in most restaurants a little from your mom will not be noticeable.
When you are seated and order, ask for "to-go" containers to be brought with the meal. Just in case she gets agitated you you have to make a quick departure you can pack up while the staff is getting your bill ready.

As far as taking her out..until it becomes unsafe getting her in or out of the car. Or when she is no longer safe walking.
Until she become so agitated that she is no longer enjoying herself.
Or when it becomes frustrating for you. Until then enjoy the outings.

You sound like a saint. My mother is in AL. When my children visit we have her over. We try to take her out for a nice meal on holidays and birthdays. The problem with taking her out much is that she has incontinence issues. I know she is very worried about accidents. As soon as we get anywhere she goes to the restroom even if it's right after I pick her up. She wears incontinence briefs,has been tested by a urologist,and takes medication but there is only so much that can be done. She doesn't really ask to go out much. I think she always wants to be near a bathroom. I think all you are doing is great and wouldn't worry about others.

My mom has started to sing when I take her out or when I take a friend over to visit her. She never sang before. She waves her arms around as she sings in a sort of dance. She mostly just wants to go for rides. She can't go out to eat any longer because noise and motion around her bothers her too much. She used to love shopping. No more. So I think as long as your mom wants to go, take her and never mind the other people. If our elders are just put where we can't see them, people will not understand the old and infirm and discriminate against them even more than already. We understand better what we see and experience.

I hadn't thought about it being good for people to see and understand the elderly better by them being out and about doing normal activities. Thank you ArtistDaughter for a new way of looking at it. My mom also enjoys car rides, sometimes we take a drive and get an ice cream (drive thru).

I would take her out and enjoy every outing you can.

If someone says anything, tell them that she has some unknown disease and it is highly contagious, so you do apologize for exposing them and you hope they fair as well as your mom. Sorry, I get so bothered with people acting like our seniors, disabled and others that are different are to be hid away, so I like to freak them out a bit.

She is blessed to have you.

I took my father out in July but I was a nervous wreck the entire time. He wanted to go for coffee at his old coffee shop in hometown. Let me tell you....that took the better part of a day with getting him in the car and driving there and getting him out of the car and trying to navigate the parking lot and up on the curb with his walker and getting the walker over the lip of the doorway and getting him situated in a chair.....you get it. I left the house at 8 am and got home at 2. I was exhausted. All over a freaking cup of coffee! My biggest concern with him is he can no longer take himself to the bathroom alone or that he would fall. I found out the hard way when I hosted him at Christmas. Because of that I decided to just bring him take out on his birthday (92) and not try to take him anywhere. He looked better that day so I did bring him to my home on Easter. I am not sure what to do on Thanksgiving. I can't host and babysit him too. I can't expect anyone else to take him to the bathroom. Son helped me that first time and I felt terrible asking him. I'm not sure how much my father gets out of coming over. I'm sure he enjoys it...for a moment...the rest of the time he is dosing or staring off into space. I don't think that moment is worth all the work involved though.

Both my in-laws needed all-hands-on-deck care at the same time. They lived 6 miles from us and we had 3 teenaged sons at the time. We enlisted them a lot to help, since stepFIL was 6'5" with Parkinsons and MIL weighed 185 lbs and eventually needed a wheelchair. Once, in my naivety, I tried to take them both to a dental hygiene appointment on a college campus by myself. Ha ha! That took an entire day and I was longing for some laughing gas at the end of it.

Taking them anywhere was a huge undertaking that required all 5 of us. I never felt bad to ask my sons to help (and they never hesitated). It made them feel needed/important and appreciated and it showed them life with all its warts, and helps them to have gratitude and appreciation for their health. Our experiences with this caregiving continues to give me the opportunity to point out that how you treat the elderly and infirmed is how you will want to be treated, and that aging is a normal part of life and to not be "surprised" by it. Today my sons have such an affection for "Q-tips" (as we call all the silver-haired seniors in our family). They rush to help elderly strangers and give up seats on the train for them, etc.

Kimberlitas, I applaud your loving kindness to your mom. Keep taking her out as long as you can. Blessings!

My dad lives in a memory care ALF and I used to pick him up and take him for car rides and out to basic restaurants (McDonalds, the local pizza shop). At some point it became clear that he wasn't really "experiencing" the outing anymore, so when he became incontinent, I decided our weekly outings should stop. We had family in town 6 months ago and we all took him out to a Mexican restaurant he used to love, and really he just seemed confused by the whole thing.

Like Ikdrymom said, its exhausting to take hubby out and he really just wants to stay home, watching tv or sitting out on the porch drinking coffee. He has his nurses and doctor that come in the see him and we have son, DIL, grandson and great grand baby that live across the driveway...and daughter and SIL that live a few blocks over...so he gets interaction at home. And of course he has his wild birds that he has to feed every evening. He seems really happy at home with Meals on Wheels during the week and take out in between home cooked meals. He’s going to be 78 October 15th and we will be in Ensinada enjoying a cruise and eating Lobster.for his birthday dinner. I find it so much easier to take him out and about on the cruise ship. Everything is right there, beginning with an open walkin shower, breakfast omelets on Lido deck and coffee on the back of the boat. Casino, drinks and dinner in the dining room, and broadway shows in the evenings. We even make the midnight big screen movie on lido deck sometimes. Its a truly enjoyable week for both of us, and we go every 3 months. For his birthday, we are flying to California so dear daughter is coming with us as co-caregiver. My advice is just prepare for every occurrence. He stays in depends when we cruise and we are close enough to the room that we can slip away to change with no problem. We also use the laundry service and keep his clothes clean. He is in a wheelchair on the ship, but can use his walker for shore excursions. Its easier to transport with him and give him a seat if he gets tired walking. His blindness is our biggest hurdle but organization and preparation is key. Know your limits and LOs limits and enjoy everyday of your life. I believe that some of the bad behaviors are caused by a lack of understanding. If I tried to take hubby out to senior daycare because I felt he needed more socializing, he would flip out on me!! Maybe Im crazy or in denial, but we are truly very happy and enjoy everything we can, while we can. Thank you for this forum, it has really opened my eyes to what may lie ahead. Prayers and understanding for all my fellow caregivers...its the toughest job out there.

NOTE: We are not wealthy! The cruise was $198 per person and flight was $258 per person round trip. Less than $500 each for 5 days. We splurged for a hotel room in Los Angeles at $198 we’ll share, and the Lobster dinner in Ensinada was $210. This is a little more than we usually spend, but it’s his birthday.

Oh this is an excellent question! My mother is 94 with mild Dementia and COPD. She coughs up sputum excessively and it can be quite embarassing especially in a crowded restaurant. When she asks to go out, she just wants to feel the sun and breathe the fresh air. I feel guilty if i refuse her that small pleasure. So now instead of taking half the day to clean and dress her, I put a bathrobe on her and slippers and we just ride around for about two hours. We live in a beach resort area so I take drive her up and down the main drag. She gets a kick out of watching tourists bustling around and afterwards we stop and I buy ice cream at a local farmer's market. Lately though, this has become a chore for me due to a back injury. But it works if you don't wear yourself out dressing them and preparing them for an outing. Works for me!!

Your question makes me sad. I thought we'd moved on from the days when people with mental and physical disabilities were shut away out of sight so that their mere presence didn't disturb passers-by who weren't able to mind their own business.

Of *course* you are right to use your common sense about this, and not take your mother to places where her diminishing abilities are going to hold people up or significantly inconvenience them or ruin their first candle-lit dinner date. Apart from anything else, very noisy or rushed or crowded places will not be pleasant for her.

I think I recall that you can get pre-printed cards to hand to concerned members of the public that explain "my mother has dementia, please overlook her talking to herself" with, perhaps, the website for the Alzheimer's Society - it all adds to useful awareness-raising in the general population.

But as long as she benefits from outings and she is doing no one any harm, you go right ahead. May you long enjoy her company! :)

Upstream, incontinence and not "experiencing" the outing are good things to look at when deciding on a time to stop taking her out. It's nice to read that you continued trying to bring joy into your father's life for as long as he seemed to enjoy it.

I take my grandma out and she mainly enjoys the ride in the car more so than getting out. It's always been like that due to the reason that she used a wheelchair that was so heavy to pick up so I'd leave it at home it was also difficult to put in my small car. Id go shop and she will wait. Now she is a bit more impatient so depending on her mood she stays inside the car or comes out with me in a light weight wheelchair, but she definitely enjoys the ride in the car the best.

(Worried about my own memory for a moment there) - no, I wasn't imagining it, these give you the general idea:

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-and-factsheets/helpcards?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIg7f9w57J5AIViLHtCh3pbQxFEAAYASAAEgKmt_D_BwE

I'm sure alz.org in the USA will have something similar in its Resources section.

Up until recently I took Mother with me everywhere I went. That is too stressful and time consuming. Yeah, it sounds mean and selfish, but for real, a thirty minute shopping trip shouldn't take an hour and a half. And then there's trying to explain to her to walk beside me, where it's safer, rather than all up my butt with her walker. Oh yeah, can't leave out the rude comments to strangers in Spanish because she thinks they don't understand!!
Can't leave her in the car alone, or even with one of my adult kids, because it she feels like I'm taking too long she will get out to look for me.
So lately I take her out a couple times a week to a store to walk the aisles for exercise, or to McD's for ice cream and people watch. Sometimes I drive the long way to town because that's really all she wants -- a drive.

Similar to my mom, though none of the chatter and mine doesn't bathe (though there is no odor according to others). We have an antagonistic relationship so going out is more done with dad, and they frequent the same places which have a familiarity. Dad doesn't comprehend the stress for someone with dementia being in a sensory overload type environment, especially since he is deaf. On "occasions" I have given up the learned OCD behavior to be PERFECT by my mother and just don't worry about it. She has a nasty streak and resents interference. SOMEtimes it seems like it is easier if someone orders for her and then food is presented and she just eats...like a child. Other day was her 97th birthday; went out for a nice (ie. expensive) lunch. She ordered a cheeseburger, and it was plated with the top bun laying face up with lettuce, tomato. She cut it and made a sandwich of that, and THEN took a couple bites of the burger but was busy eating fries...and when the mini desserts were put in front of her...oh yes, we could nearly finish the cheesecake! I too find myself being conscientious about disturbing others...it truly seems like going out with children doesn't it? And Dad being deaf it is similar as no matter how he is told he is still LOUD if he speaks. I do know the Alzheimer's Assn has a little stack of business cards that you can pass that say "my companion has alzheimer's" and then another or the back that says thank you for your understanding, it's appreciated, we'll let others know" sort of thing. That way you can discreetly let others know. In short, I think it helps to go to the same familiar places they have gone to. For my folks that's a Panera, an Olive Garden, a Chinese place and a filthy local joint LOL. In fact, as I think of that last one...if you pick a family friendly place where children are tolerated and expected, it probably will matter less to you.

I think it’s wonderful that you are taking her out! I used to take my mom out to church, the movies and/or dinner a couple times a week. It felt like one of the few things I could do to give her a sense of “normalcy” in her life and to give both of us some “fun” in the midst of all the stress/challenges. She’d do some strange things, but I figured I probably noticed more than others did, and it wasn’t hurting anyone.

I kept doing this until it became unsafe. There also was an in between phase where I’d bring her to my house instead of someplace public, or i’d bring my husband along so I had some who could help with logistics. I gauged safety by her behavior. For example, would she wait for me if I had to go get the car? Would she wait for me to bring her walker up/down the stairs, or would she try to do it herself? Was she able to safely go up/down stairs herself? Did she pay attention when I gave her direction?

I would say as long as it is safe and manageable, it’s lovely! 😊

My experience is two-fold. First, my mom is 91 and sharp as a tack, just fragile. My husband is 59 now and has been stricken with early-age AD for 6 years now. My sister and I take on blended roles caring for them and the only time she and I get "together normal" time is on outings. We find that dining on a restaurant's "down" days is most enjoyable and the staff is less frazzled and very accomodating. I play music softly on my phone to keep all peaceful. We go to the aquarium and any outdoor festivals we find. Even if only for an hour. Trips, even brief ones, help them both sleep better and broadens our topics to chat with (or at) them about.

I believe it is very beneficial to get them out and about. A trip to the restaurant or a ride in the car is the very best form of occupational and physical therapy around, plus is quality time spent with a loved one. If their quirky behavior gets to be uncomfortable you can go to the restaurant during the quieter times. I used to take mom and dad out for brunch at about 1:30 or 2 because I new we wouldn't have to wait to be seated or wait as long for food. When transferring dad in and out of the car became too difficult, we would run quick errands like dropping off mail at the post office, bringing rubbish to the transfer station, or dropping off the christmas tree at the local goat farm, then swing by a drive through for a snack and "car picnic" at a pretty location. In other words, he wasn't left alone in the car. I would even have him choose out pumpkins or the best bag of peaches. It was so nice for him to get out of the nursing home and I have such fond memories of those outings. I would bring life to dad when he couldn't be there. For example, while in the nursing home, he chose the paint color for the front door on his and mom's house, and I took pictures of any repair work (before and afters) and brought a length of leftover copper wire from an electricians upgrade so that he felt as involved and in control as possible. As far as your mom is concerned, as long as she appears comfortable, keep taking her out, but look for ways to adjust the outing in order to make it the best experience for her.

Great thread, thank you for posting! I’ve gotten some good ideas from all of you. My mom is irritated beyond belief by movements or noise. She snaps at anyone near her. So I’m sadly not willing to do eating out and even shopping now. 1-2 of her companion care gals have taken her to the dollar store in the evening, better them than me.
Sundays I go get food at her senior complex cafeteria alone, she’s tried coming along but can’t act nice, she has NO idea that the others are old are challenged.
Bless these folks who can’t enjoy hardly anything anymore and who take things around them as a personal affront. I am trying to find a therapy pet visit for her next. I started her on psych and downer meds recently, I’ll do anything to lower the sense of stress even at the cost of overall awareness.
I am so impressed and happy for those of you who have your ways to get them out, like just a drive around and back. We have a shuttle at Mom’s complex and we ride along, she gets a kick out of it. I also bring her to my house as an outing, I have pets here.
My best wishes to all. 💐

My mother is 97 years old and I take her out every other day when she feels well. She goes to church every Sunday, a ride in the country, out to lunch, ride to get ice cream, visit a beautiful park, shop at the mall, we just got back from a mini vacation at the beach. I find this kind of stimulation very beneficial for my mother. She is a reserved quiet woman and I noticed as her disease progresses she has become a little demanding and loud at times. I do not take offence at the changes she is experiencing, it is part of the process. I would continue taking your mother out, it is good for her and you as well. I find most people understand and take no offence. I think you are a wonderful caring daughter, and doing such a great job caring for your mother. God bless the both of you. Wishing you many blessings along this difficult journey. Hugs to you!

Your mom and my mom sound similar in terms of their condition. I have gotten to the point that I only take my mom out when necessary. She now thinks she knows everybody, and will approach them saying things like “ I haven’t seen you since high school.” People seem to pick up on what is going on, and have been really kind and patient, but I get embarrassed.
My mom is currently in the hospital because we are trying to transfer her from assisted living to skilled nursing. She treats each and every doctor and nurse like someone she has known since she was little, and used to babysit them.
I think you have the right attitude. Things will change, but do what you can for now. I feel that the activity of a walk or short outing provides enough activity that they are tired enough by the end of the day to rest and sleep better.

My Mother used to love to go outside in her wheelchair. She seemed very content and happy. And I think fresh air was good for her.

I think that you are doing very well taking her out. If she is like my mother, I can imagine that she gets very bored sitting at home with nothing to do so I think you are doing the right thing to try and keep her busy with activities. Took my Mom to a butterfly garden and when the was not swatting the butterflies away the was approaching children (she loves kids) and sitting next to folks on the benches. Just had to keep redirecting her. I do notice that even though she means no harm it is understandable that people get uneasy with her. Keep doing what you are doing but keep a close eye on her and redirect when you have to.

Thank you everyone for the many wonderful suggestions. As many before me have said, caring for a LO with this disease is one of the toughest things we will ever do.

I am so grateful for the kindness and wisdom of everyone on this site. So much so that every opportunity I get I send new caregivers here, knowing what a huge help it will be to them.

We took my mom out with us until just about a month before she passed. She was 94 and in the end stages of dementia. Often she seemed to enjoy the different scenery from being in the house all day. We went to restaurants a lot and to the zoo and beach, and sometimes even to casinos (which she enjoyed a lot before she became ill). In all cases we took our cue when to leave if she started to get uncomfortable or a bit agitated. We didn’t care if people looked at us or if she babbled or made noises as long as it didn’t get overly loud or disrupted others. It’s much like taking a toddler out.- you just go with the flow.

I once heard a woman who was watching us with Mom tell her children, “That’s how you love and respect your parents”.

Don’t worry about what other people think or if they stare. You’re doing what makes your loved one happy. Perhaps you’re also teaching these strangers that it’s all a part of life.

Keep up the good caregiving - be blessed!

Do not worry what other people think. Enjoy her while you can. I took my mom out as long as I could until she became 100% bedridden. I even enjoyed taking her out when I could get her in the car and use a transport chair. I cannot even do that anymore and I miss taking her out.

At least you seem to be able to GET your loved one to go out! My wife is her 88 y.o. mother's legal guardian. My mother in law, who lives with us, has MCI (early dementia), and her doctor says she should not live by herself, but does not require 24 hour care yet, either. When my wife and I go on trips, we hire a respite care service to check on her and stay with her for several hours in the evening. Some of these trips, particulary camping trips, my mother in law would not be able to handle: the camper has a step she would have difficulty navigating safely, and the camper (a 41 year old popup) does not have a bathroom. Plus, there is barely enough room for my two kids, my wife, and myself. HOWEVER, when we have gone on trips that my mother-in-law COULD handle, and we offer to take her, she finds excuses to nit go...THEN she calls everyone on her phone contacts list and complains that WE decided not to take her (which is not true at all). It' a no-win situation. We even have a hard time getting her to go to the store ir even to doctor appointments (and part of her dementia - or maybe just an unrelated personality disorder - is she complains of various ailments and aches and pains to US, and often uses them as an excuse to not leave the house, but does not report the same to her own doctor). She seems to like to spend most of her time hiding in her room, in fact, seldom coming out unless coaxed. Love to find a way to get her to come out of the house more often, since my wife and I both think it would be good for her.

Enjoy her and your outings while you can. My father, ALZ, 90 yrs. loves the car rides, but then once at the location has to stop and touch everything and darts off. We constantly have to stop, gently bring him back to the basket. The shopping basket, he has fun pushing so fast I have to hold onto the side so he doesn't run into anyone or thing. If we go out to eat, he has become so sloppy... I know it's all part of ALZ, but we just have to overlook things and just enjoy the time - even though sometimes it's hard - we know we shall miss them later.

I take my mom out as often as I can. She still has good days, and I am willing to risk it with it. She isn't dead yet so why keep her "inside"? Would you want to be kept "inside"?