My Father has been at the Alf for 3 weeks now and is miserable. All he does is call me and complain. He won’t leave his room except to eat, and goes to bed at 4 pm. I’ve talked to the ED and activity director. They have tried to get him involved and he refuses. They’ve sent several residents to his room to visit and encourage him to participate in activities but he has no interest. Any advice?
What has the assisted living facility told you about his behavior? Is he depressed or anxious? Being stubborn?
Do you think that he would benefit from meds so that he could relax more?
I am sorry that you are going through this. I’m sure it’s stressful for you to hear his complaints.
Take Comfort in knowing that he is being cared for.
There are joiners and non joiners.
Is he on an antidepressant ?
In time your Dad may join some things . My mother did. She also sat by the front door part of the day people watching who came and went. My father in law mostly stayed in his room.
You must remember that ultimately his unhappiness is not your fault . You did not give him dementia nor make him old.
Some old people will be unhappy no matter what . Some will continue to complain ( after they have adjusted) out of habit to their families even if they aren’t really that miserable anymore . Some of them complain to family but act totally different in their facility when you aren’t there.
Do not bring him home to live with you . It would be too difficult to get him out again .
Truth be told before we placed her (she fought us for 10 years, lived alone in the mtns of NC) she sat and watched game shows for most of the day, she was very depressed.
Being in AL, perked her right up, just having things to do and friends her own age.
She took 1 day to acclimate, some take 6 months or more. One of the keys is to not be their crutch, don't visit several times a week, set a boundary for phone calls, ie don't listen to this complaint over and over again. Once he starts say "Gotta Go".
When I placed both my step-mother (memory care) and my mother (assisted living) the homes were quite clear stay away for several weeks so the person can acclimate to their new home. Is that what you did?
Don't take his complaints too seriously, they all complain about something, mostly the food.
Good Luck
Give it more time.
If you think the calls are not necessary let a few go to voice mail particularly if you are in the middle of something or are working. Tell him you can not take calls during "work hours". Or when you go to the movies, out to lunch with friends, at the hairdresser or any other place you can think of.
It takes a bit of time.
And if he has never been a "social butterfly" do not expect him to change.
Some families want to push activities so that they feel better about placing someone in a facility .
As my brother said to me "It's a bit like being in the Army when I was young, hon. I don't much like it but I make the best of it" and he did.
The sad fact is that your Dad may NEVER adjust, and may NEVER be solidly happy about this. Since when was life about happiness? Because if your Dad has lived a long time there were times already in his life when he wasn't real happy, but just had to muster through because that's the way of life.
Today the children of elders, who have had long lives, seem to pick up the idea that they are responsible for the happiness of said elder.
I am 81. Age isn't a time of great happiness, believe me. You have to pull happiness out of all of the losses kicking and screaming. It isn't easily found in the mire of loss upon loss, and finally loss of autonomy, loss of mind.
This is now about making the best of it. For him and for you. Or about allowing one to mourn the losses.
Let him make his own way. Give him time. And recognize that it is what it is and may never been the movie, The Best Years of Their Lives.
I am sorry. It's hard to see. But you can't fix it. You didn't create it and you can't fix it. Don't make yourself responsible for it. And let Dad know that he's going to have to adjust his attitude. When that's your response he may stop calling to hear it. Let him know you sympathize, but you can't fix it for him.
It helps a bit.
While the ALF will encourage, cajole, entice, bribe her to go to at least ONE meal a day in the common dining room--none of us think that will ever happen.
We could be surprised, but honestly? Just getting her settled in there is going to be really, really hard. I can't see her suddenly wanting to make 'friends' at this stage of the game.
And that's OK. She's going to be there because she needs the care and safety, not to party. A lot of elders simply don't have the desire to meet new people.
(MY mom, on the other hand--would have gotten to know every soul in the place and been in heaven over daily Bingo and Canasta. I'm kind of feeling like we should have moved her to a care center rather than keep her home. Each person is very different.)
He never does any activities etc. However, he likes having hair salon on the premises. So dont worry too much about DH's mother. Play up the things she will like, eg the hair salon being right near here room. If they have newpapers available, puzzles, things that can be solitary activities, play those up too. Maybe she will sit by herself for meals and still go to at least 1 meal a day in dining room?
One thing I we have done is we have not given her a phone....yet. As she wanted to call us at all hours. The director of the beautiful facility we have Mom in suggested we not go and visit as much so she can acclimate to her new environment and that constant visit and phone conversations can actually be a setback.
When I first came to this sit seeking advise, I took EVERYTHING to heart that was said to me. These folks are wonderful here, and while I am pretty new to all of this, I will say please don't be hard on yourself for doing this for your Dad. Since being at AL my Mom has not had one fall. She is 94. She has mild dementia and is a former RN herself. She is now getting her meds on a regular basis and is now going to the dining room and beginning to sit with others.
Give it time.....some take much longer than others to adjust, and maybe they never will...but it better than having them where they can't be looked after, Myself, I have MS, so I could not have her stay with us. I was feeling so guilty taking mom out of her home but now the folks on this site have truly helped me adjust as well and I am at peace know ing I have done all I can for Her best interest. I wish you well and send you prayers ;)
She was a very outgoing person before, but her social circle was always her four sisters, and they'd get together every week to yak and have lunch. She can't do that now, and the sisters who can get around do visit, but it's not the same.
Her next-younger sister recently started falling and having problems and now she's going to be moving into the same AL. Guess who's all excited and ready to buzz down to her sister's room to hang out all day? (Thank goodness, too, because the sister moving in is a crazy as a bedbug and would NEVER become part of the social fabric of that place.)
It just takes that one person to draw someone out. Sometimes they find them, and sometimes they don't. It's tough to make new friends at any age past school years, and when they're not at their best, it makes it even harder.
What worked:
-The sedative helped immediately to calm her high anxiety.
-We visited her 3x a week for several hours going to meals and activities with her and our presence helped her interact with other residents and find a few friends.
-Walking is about the only activity she has ever done without my dad (all by herself) in her life, so we got her back into taking several daily long walks around the AL grounds.
-We filled the walls of her apt with lots of our old and new family pictures, pictures of her wedding, pictures of dad (who has passed), pictures of her parents and siblings, and of dad’s parents. Made it look like home as much as possible.
I hope this helps give you ideas. If you can’t visit and help him engage by going with him, is there a caregiver you can hire to be his buddy and do stuff with him, at least until he adjusts?
she was only there for 1 week and home for a week and I know we need to give her several weeks to acclimate so we will stay away for a few weeks since we have someone with her.
Limit the number of phone calls you take from him. As long as he knows he can contact you and you will pick up all the time, there is no reason for him to join in anything or change his daily ritual.
Going to bed at 4 pm is a little early as dinner is usually served after that. However, at one of the places my Mom stayed, nearly everyone was fed, bathed and asleep by 6 pm.
However, sad as it may be, perhaps he is where he needs to be to have support and care...? Taking on the care of a loved one is not for everyone, and frankly sometimes is not doable even if you want to do it. You have to be realistic in what you can do to help, both mentally and physically, or they will one day be gone, and you may well have issues that take months, years, or worse.
I know, realistically, that I did all I could for my dad, but I could not give him the full time support he needed towards the end, however, I did what I could. Even so, my heart (emotions) are scarred, and likely will be for life. It may not be logical, but it is what it is.
I do want to add that I just read more of the comments, and have to wonder if other than family visiting, maybe paying someone to visit daily might have helped. When I went through it with my dad, I have to say that is not something that even occurred to me, as I was just mentally overwhelmed, and no one suggested it to me.
Best wishes.
If he's not that happy at the ALF this may well be what happens. Are you able to visit? Take him out on outings, lunch, ride. Bring in some games and play with him. Perhaps if you let a few of the neighbors know he had games they may be interested in playing some of the games with him. Do keep encouraging him to participate
.
Sounds like Auntie was not competent to talk to her bank , investment people . Auntie also did not die because she went to AL or her child was not taking her out to lunch or other outings , or visiting more often .
Auntie died of aspiration because she refused testing and to go on the appropriate food consistency . This is exactly how my step MIL with dementia died . She had testing and still refused to switch to puree foods and thickened liquids . She had aspiration pneumonia many times . She was in the hospital for aspiration pneumonia when she choked and died on a tuna fish sandwich that she demanded her daughter bring her ( because the old woman was unhappy ) .
Auntie sounded like she had dementia . Your view of Aunties situation is only from her demented side of things .
Had auntie gone for testing , had allowed appropriate food , perhaps she would have lived longer and adjusted . Perhaps her child was not visiting often as is often recommended to help her adjust . As far as activities , some are joiners , some are not . Many old people are unhappy simply because they are old .
Only recently has he finally agreed, most days, to go to the dining room for meals. His dementia has not progressed to the point where he doesn't know what's going on. He is aware... too much so. He becomes bored and plans his "escape" or his next fall. If he hits his head, it is policy to take him to the ER. It's a change of scenery, in his way of thinking. At some level, he plans to fall. Other times, it just happens.
It's total trauma for me when he goes to the ER because I fear him being given the wrong meds or fear that he won't receive all of his PD medicine which should be on a rigid schedule. All of this has happened more than once. It's a well founded worry.
He even managed to sneak out of the building once...
All of that to say, I can see that now, 10 months later, he is more adapted. It's been a long time coming, but some of the dust is settling.
On Hospice he gets 3 nurse and 3 aid visits a week. I have hired someone to visit him 2 or 3 times a week. (I'm in another State.) The woman I hired is also willing to do "emergency" pizza runs and accompany him to out of facility doctor visits.
His dexterity is lacking because of the PD, so he cannot text, does not always answer the phone, cannot turn down the darn TV volume when I call.
I'm adjusting and so is he. It will never look like you want it to look, but he will adjust - sometimes in surprising ways. You will also adjust. It's hard. Hang in there!
My mother used to complain to me constantly about her AL. But every time I saw her, she was laughing or eating with a table full of ladies or drinking wine or dancing......etc. In other words, she was saving her histrionics for ME while enjoying her lifestyle quite a bit. So I cut down the phone chats to a minimum and I was much better off w/o hearing all that toxic negativity!
We all have a choice in life whether to be happy or miserable. Each is a choice. That dad chooses misery is not your worry.