How long oh Lord!?!? Guilt about wanting mamma to go...

Nothing is wrong with you, my friend. You're exhausted & ready for all of this to be behind you, and rightly so, for EVERYBODY'S sake. You're also sad to see your mother in such poor shape, and going on and on and ON. I say the exact same thing about my own mother who's quality of life is compromised, and is compromising others' quality of life as well.

Just a note; if your mother is under hospice care, THEY should be bathing her, not you. A CNA should be coming in 2x a week to do that very thing, and helping out with various other duties as well.

Wishing you all the best as you help your dear mother transition to the next phase of her eternal life. Death is not the 'end'........just a new beginning.

There is nothing wrong with you. The thoughts and feelings you are having are nothing unusual. You love your mother and you want her suffering to end. You know that if she had a choice, she would not want to be a burden. 11 years is a good chunk of time to devote to caregiving. If you’ve never had much of a break over those years, you absolutely cannot blame yourself for wanting this to be over.

I would have a frank conversation with her hospice team. The Holidays are coming. If she is not truly in her last days, perhaps they could arrange for her to spend a few days in a facility so you could spend time with your kids and grandkids.

Again, please don’t feel guilty because of how you feel. Sending hugs...

Here is a link to let you know about the signs of impending death:

https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-death#sleeping-more

Also, look out for a bluish tint to your mother's hands/arms and lips, which is a sign of cyanosis and that she's nearing the end.

Sending you a big HUG today, my friend. This is never easy, I know. It's lovely that you've been giving your mom baths with lavender oil. You are a special daughter, that's for sure!

I think it's entirely normal to feel that way. In fact, my LO (cousin) said the same thing about her mother, right before she passed away. And, before her father passed away. She didn't want them to suffer and though she was sad, she was glad they were in heaven with each other and her baby sister.

My LO is also end stage, on hospice. It's such a mystery to me. I keep wondering if there is some kind of unfinished business she has. I don't think so.

I would rely more on hospice to help with the baths, though, I understand your desire to make her feel special and close. It's a minute by minute thing, though, I've been told by hospice staff that they will let me know if she takes turn toward the end.

Whew! I am having intense flashbacks of the feeling of utter helplessness, loneliness, frustration, depression, anxiety, and on and on and on of what full time caregivers feel.

My caregiving days just ended not long ago, not happily, but that is another story. I feel your pain! I truly do!

I had mom in my home for nearly 15 years and cared for her in her home along with my dad for many years before that. So I get it!

I also cared for my oldest brother. He had hospice. At the end of his life he went into an ‘end of life’ facility that was a Godsend! Does your hospice organization offer that?

Please inquire about this and take advantage of it.

I hear in your posting that you are headed for a breakdown, burning out or both! Trust me, I understand. I burned out. Please do not feel any guilt or shame over what you are feeling. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. I went through exactly what you did as far as emotions. It’s so hard! Very hard! Extremely hard!

I wish the very best for you when your caregiver days are over. You will grieve. That’s normal too. You may experience more guilt, the dreaded ‘what if’s?’ You will experience relief. That too is normal.

Please if you can, look into respite care as well. Does your hospice organization offer this? If they do, I strongly urge you to take advantage of it.

Hugs! More hugs and more hugs!

Bless you!
Your thoughts are VERY NORMAL.

Blue fingernails, finger tips and blue toes are a big indicator.
Also shallow breathing.

There is a book called Final Gifts.
Get it and read it asap.
It was very eye-opening for me.

The Hospice Nurse should be able to tell u that her time here is coming to an end. My daughter, RN, was able to do this.

Panda,

Thanks for your kind words. My mom didn’t die. She doesn’t live in my home anymore. She just turned 94. She is living with my brother and SIL. I had her for almost 15 years and it nearly killed me.

Sadly, it wasn’t a pleasant goodbye and we no longer have contact. It’s hard but a relief as well. Long, complicated story...

My MIL has entered that stage. Sadly, DH won't lift a finger to help her, so it has all fallen on SIL, who, as the angel she is, is running to MIL's everyday and staying for up to 8 hrs. DH PROMISED he's help and so far in the month she's been home from rehab he has showed up twice.

OK, she was a terrible mother and there is no peace between DH and his mom. There won't be, either. It's very sad.

He will go see her and come home utterly despondent. The time to make things right between them is passed. She is living alone, for now, but one more fall and that's it--she'll be in a NH for the rest of her life. She's nearly 90, this should not be a surprise to anyone, but they all act shocked she's slid so quickly.

And I would be there as much as possible, but she has cut me out of the loop and told all who listen, she will not have "that woman" in her home.

There is NOTHING wrong with you for feeling tired and depressed about the upcoming days/weeks/months. A caring person would feel sad and conflicted. Just shows you have a heart.

There is nothing wrong with you. My mom is gone now, but I had those same feelings. It is tough to watch your loved one suffer and be the caregiver. I think it is very normal to have those feelings. I remember that I was having lunch with someone whose mom was peaceful but in a nursing home saying that she just wished her mom would go home to Jesus. I started to cry because I was wishing that too and felt great guilt for those thoughts. My mom was not a peace filled AZ patient. She suffered terribly with sundowning and was anxious even with medication. She also was in pain until hospice came in and ordered the meds to deal with it.

Don’t feel guilty, I certainly have looked up the same information and I expect, like me, you didn’t really find the answer. If someone could just give us a narrowed down timeframe, we could plan our lives and incorporate our care and family commitments together. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen so we carry on putting our own lives to one side, missing out on our own social and family life. My biggest fear is that when my mother does pass that either I or my husband won’t be young or healthy enough to for fill our life plans. As it is I put off going to the doctors and don’t take proper care of myself. However, I’ve never failed to take my mum to the doctor when she has a health issue. Please don’t feel bad, you’ve dedicated eleven years to your mum, I’ve done six and that feels like a lifetime now and it’s only getting worse. You’ve done an amazing job and all you want is peaceful passing for your mother as we would hope for ourselves if we are ever in the same situation. Take care of yourself and know there are many of us feeling the same.

Please get some outside help so you can get some self care. Be it a weekend of sleeping, someone to cook your meals/clean your house, etc. it’s also ok to seek counseling for your feelings and talk them thru. While we’re all friends here, it will help to have a professional tell you the feelings are normal, and may help you get rid of the guilt.

There is a pamphlet you can read on line called ..."Crossing the Creek"
It goes into some details and the explanations are nice.
Now that your mom is on Hospice there is the ability to take advantage of a great Medicare benefit...Respite. Medicare will pay for Respite while on Hospice. So please ask the Nurse or Social Worker about that.

To your last question..statement. There is NOTHING wrong with you.
It is not wrong to wish..hope..the ordeal be over. I hesitate to use the word "suffering" I think with dementia because the memory is gone the person WITH dementia does not suffer as we think of it but it is the family, the loved ones that see this disease destroy the one we love that suffer. The one we love is but a shell. We are caring for the body. All I know is that my Husband would not have wanted to be as he was if he were aware, the last few years I think all he "knew" was that there was a person that cared for him, held his hand and was kind to him.

There are signs of EOL..(End of Life) and while coloration of the skin is a good indicator, particularly what is called a Kennedy Ulcer is an indicator. Eating, or I should say not eating or drinking is another. She will refuse food, close her mouth or turn her head. Offer but do not force her to eat. Offer fluids, I would guess she is on thickened fluids. Again offer but do not force.
It is comfort now that should be the goal.

Be kind to yourself.
You have done nothing wrong.
Your thoughts are not wrong.
As long as you can say honestly at the end of the day that you did the best you could that is all anyone could ask.

Don’t feel guilty. Mama wants to go too...honestly!

Nothing wrong with you. You're just stating what a lot of others are feeling. 11 years is more than enough for anyone. You have no reason to feel guilty and it's obvious you love your Mother and want her suffering to end. I pray for you both.

I have to ask other questions to answer this one.

When momma's think, "God grief are you ever going to learn to sleep thru the night" what is wrong with them?

When parents say, "Will you ever stop making so much noise?" what is wrong with them?

We all get weary and want the problems to end. It is not the thought that matters. It is the actions that matter.

Thoughts mirror feelings. It is OK to feel all your feelings.

I totally get how you feel. We keep wishing my dad could have peace and transition over as he hates how his life is ending. There is nothing wrong in wanting a good death for someone. He’s had a good life only to have it strung out and end like this. he was in hospice and we thought finally this is it, only to have him improve and be kicked off.
let the CNAs bathe her, that is when they also check the skin for breakdown. Blessings of peace to you soon.

Don’t feel guilty. I do this all the tine with my dad. I love him but he’s not really there and his life isn’t happy. He’s like a clock winding down and it’s taking forever. I try to just trust God and learn whatever I can from each moment whether it’s patience, trust,
compassion, endurance etc. I am trusting that it’s necessary for my own growth as a human. It makes it easier if I can know this is somehow for my benefit too and when his time comes I know I will feel light as a feather but I’m sure I’ll also feel sad that he’s gone.

I know what you are going through as I think all caregivers have these feeling occasionally.  Hardest job in the world is taking care of someone that cannot take care of themselves.  Do not be so hard on yourself as most all caregivers feel this way and I think it only natural as we all just get so, so tired.

Please dont feel bad. My siblings and I are into the 10th year of taking care of my mom. We feel the same way. Right now looking for a good nursing home for her. I believe we have done all we can do. So allow yourself to feel ok. Continue to pray. I believe God understands and for me that is what is important.
hang in there
kts mom

For the last 7 days I've been navigating through the same feelings. My mother had the third stroke and is in a coma, paralyzed. The last year despite she was somewhat independent was the worst of my life , she refused any kind of professional help, and she wanted me to move back from the city I live to personally take care of her. Now I'm facing my worst fears that she will wake up with aphasia and paralyzed to come to a not prepared apartment and I will be dragged into this horrible life of her. She's diabetic for almost 30 years , during all those years I insisted with her to take care of her diet and disease but she did not. So I do not think this is my karma, but hers. I feel sorry for her to being in a coma , and utterly sad for the possibility of her waking up to be this way, and of course I would grief with her passing, but I don't see a good outcome of any of the possibilities. One moment I feel like a horrible person, another moment I feel I have the right to live my life and not hers.

I just wanted to give you a great big warm hug and tell you that you have done nothing to feel guilty about. It is a kindness to want someone's suffering to be over.

Try to get respite and rest up. We are always emotional when we are exhausted and you have been doing 24/7/365 for 11 years, wow, you are a strong woman and you need a break to finish the race.

May God give you strength and wisdom during this difficult time.

It’s a normal feeling for all of us. Modern medicine has extended life cycles which isn’t necessarily a good thing. I Absolutely there are Super Agers and those who seem to defy aging physically BUT they do not need care taking. They are perfectly capable of handling their own needs. My husband and I are both elderly and have our own aging issues. We have taken care of my mother for over six years now. I am exhausted since I have been the caretaker for both my mom and now increasingly my husband. Pneumonia used to take people “before their time”. Now shots to prevent all those illness are pushed on us which in turn extends our life spans. I think those shots should be available of course but not mandatory. I do not want to live in the condition my mom has been for the last five years and I hope to have the will power to refuse those mandatory shots in my future. I never want my children to bear the responsibility of caring for me at all nor do I want to go into a facility where people sit in wheelchairs like zombies.

I feel this way too. My mother has declined dramatically over this year. Physically she is healthy, but just within 12 months she has gone from completely independent to unable to care for herself at all. I was her sole caregiver until she entered memory care a few weeks ago. She talks in word salad, misunderstands what others are saying, needs reminders to complete simple daily tasks such as grooming and eating, and is very confused, but worse she is very angry. She constantly accuses me of abusing her, lying to others about her and stealing everything from her and others. When she was still living in her apartment she told me several times to get out and never come back. Sometimes she was even violent with me. I am afraid she will act like this with the caregivers in the home and get kicked out. Also I am trying to process the fact that her dementia has made her hate me and our relationship is over even though she is still alive.
My mother is a very intelligent woman and one of her biggest sources of pride was earning a doctorate in 2 years when she was in her 40s. Also she is fiercely independent. This horrible, cruel disease is taking away the parts of her that she valued the most and I can only guess how much she is suffering to have to endure that happening. I, too, wish it would go faster for her so she doesn’t have to suffer for years or decades more. Also, the mother I have known my whole life is gone. We never had a great relationship (she was always toxic) but we were able to get along and love each other in our way. Now even that is gone. It kills me to see the shell of herself that she is now. I wish her the peace of death every day.

I am new to this forum, and the first thing I see is your question about feeling guilty. I was a caregiver for my husband for 43 years -- he became quadriplegic as the result of a high school football accident -- he was an amazing man, and we had a good, though very challenging life together -- he passed away two years ago, and I am still mourning his loss. Along with caring for him, my mother came to live with me 10 years ago, so I became her caregiver also -- she will be 95 next month -- I struggle with guilt daily, and didn't realize how many of you are also dealing with the same emotion, even though we are doing all we can, with all the resources we have, to care for someone. Thank you all for repeating over and over that we should not feel guilt over being physically and emotionally tired -- as I said, I still struggle with feeling guilty, especially over taking time for myself, but through forums such as this, I am learning to take care of myself, otherwise, I won't be able to take care of anyone else.

ExhaustedLady,
Nothing is "wrong" with you. You're decent, patient, giving and human.
The world is a better place because of people like you.
I wish you well.

Nothing. It probably would be less normal to NOT have these thoughts and feelings. It is exhausting, and every time I read a similar story...someone helping more physically/hands on...I count my blessings and multiply by 3 that we are not at that point. The relationship I've had with my mother...while we would be there for each other...is antagonistic especially now with her dementia. She most likely will not cooperate either if her needs increase, with my father, so we would probably be faced with a harder choice of a nursing home. I pray that doesn't happen. Take comfort in having supportive family and the ability to build that suite...it may well come in handy and repay you in the future, though I hope you don't need it. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, and look into some respite and vacation time. Check with your local area agency on aging for a caregiver support program...lock up your valuables and breakables...and take some time for yourselves.

Nothing is wrong with you, other than this phase of life -End of life- which you are helping your mother through is difficult and exhausting. When she does pass, I hope you have peace that her suffering is over, and that you did the best you could under trying circumstances. You will then deserve a much needed rest yourself. Hospice can sometimes gives you an idea how long it might take, but it’s kind of like predicting the weather in terms of accuracy. And that’s so hard, not knowing how long. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s totally normal to wish the strife was over. I hope you can hug yourself, give yourself a cup of tea and a chance to rest for a moment, until that time that you can really rest. Sending hugs, prayers and good thoughts your way! ❤️

My god, you are HUMAN.....who would not feel like you do? I think with all the time that has gone by and an uncertain future, and seeing the impact on you and your family, I think it is time that you place her so your life can get back to normal. If you don't do this soon, your life will be forever harmed and this is YOUR time to want to live and you deserve it. There is nothing wrong with you - it is just time to make a change.