How long is enough to stay at a family function?
And do we inform the host of our time limitations? This week is Christmas and for our family that means lots of social engagements. This year it's three in a row - Thursday, Friday, and Saturday - and I'm exhausted just thinking about it because hubby and I will take my inlaws to and from all of them. Two of the parties involve an hour of driving each way. How long is enough to stay at these family gatherings so as to not insult the hosts? And do I inform the hosts in advance or upon arrival of our time limitations?
Some relevant info is that MIL is in a wheelchair, needs help feeding herself, and cannot be toileted at someone else's home because of the amount of time it takes. She will be wearing Depends. Last year I know MIL had an accident in the car on the way home because I could smell it.
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One house has a big bathroom in the master, which is on the ground floor. And I do recall the hostess offering it to my inlaws for their use so I think it's more than having access to a big bathroom. I think MIL and FIL are afraid/resistant to toilet MIL outside their home.
But that doesn't help this year; so another question: whose houses are these that you're going to gatherings at? Because what struck me was the lack of bathroom facilities suitable for use by your MIL. Your hosts have invited her. Your hosts should ensure that she can be made welcome and comfortable. Why not have a discreet word and see what they can do to help - maybe there's an en suite somewhere on the premises that she could be helped to, or something? Failing that, to be honest, if she turns out not to be having a good day on any of the three, I don't think you should have any qualms about cancelling if necessary. Three long or longish trips and hail-fellow-well-met on successive days is an awful lot to ask of their stamina, let alone yours.
I was on the same page, Babalou, in early November when I suggested to MIL that they book a Christmas party in the private party room at their building and everyone would come to them. MIL gave it lip service and I never brought it up again.
Discreet went out the window years ago. There's nothing discreet about men carrying MIL in her wheelchair down the front steps of the house to get in the car to go home. It's like a goodbye parade and I have one last drink before heading to the driveway to watch family members who see my inlaws once or twice a year all try help MIL get in the car.
MIL will deny that she needs even one day to recover let alone more than one. FIL is actually very encouraging of MIL getting the rest she needs. I'm pretty sure FIL is freaking out about all these parties.
I told my husband about these concerns swimming around my head. He will talk to his dad about what is realistic. Thank you, all, for asking the right questions and your good answers. I appreciate it! - NYDIL
You rock!
Are these events all a night? If so, I would take into consideration your MIL's usual bedtime.
I would spend about an hour at each of these.
I assume that the hosts of these social engagements know of you MIL's health? If so, I think they would understand your not being able to stay more than an hour.
Do ya'll absolutely have to attend all three? How hard is this going to be on your MIL? Three parties in three days plus having to drive to two of them is a lot!
What we've done the past several years, at the NH, and before that at MOM'S house, we'd all bring food and do all the set up and cleaning. Mom gets to come out for an hour and go back to her room when she's tired.
I'm not at all how I'd handle taking an incontinent parent out somewhere that required an hour's drive each way if they couldn't be toileted on site.
Do the people you are going to visit know what to expect with his behavior as well as your mom's condition?
Do your in-laws want to attend these gatherings?
In your judgment, is it appropriate and in their best interest? Is the benefit worth the toll.
Do their doctors have an opinion about the traveling that much?
I would consider those things and more and not worry too much about how long you should stay. I think that their health and comfort level is the first priority. Plus, your peace of mind. It sure sounds like a lot of stress for you and your husband.
I think I would make other arrangements, like one gathering each year. I'd rotate and that would be it. I can't imagine taking people with physical and mental disabilities those distances over the holidays, but that's me.