How long do you stay during visits with parent?

Dad’s new to his memory care facility. He’s been there 10 days. I go daily, sometimes twice. He mostly sleeps, I guess because he was in the hospital then rehab... so he’s really exhausted.
Sometimes I stay 15 minutes, sometimes an hour or so. It depends how he feels and if he’s sleeping. He eats in his room, not with the group, but this is how he is normally. He’s fine alone- never complains. Never feels “sick” despite having C diff and dangerously low potassium. He argues with the aides about changing clothes because he says he’s comfortable... but otherwise he is happy just to “be.” I wish I knew how to get him involved with some of the activities, but honestly, he never would have participated 30 years ago, so he hasn’t changed much. I visit, my husband visits, and when his grandkids come home from college they always visit... but otherwise he lost my mom almost 2 years ago, and many friends have passed.
Do what you can... you are doing the BEST you can.
Peace and hugs

I have already commented, but wanted to add something...so many things play into how the visit goes.  What stage is your LO in, what type of dementia do they have, what was your relationship with them prior to dementia...etc.

Some of us don't have the quiet mom who naps most of the time and enjoys being read to while holding hands.  Some of us have moms that are angry and violent and repetitive and disheveled and combative and sometimes lucid "just enough" to push every button you have.

So I guess what I am saying is you need to evaluate your own situation and do what you can do.  Don't guilt yourself because another poster has a very cathartic, peaceful, loving visit and you don't.  Visits with my mom vary from day to day and week to week.  Some times I leave crying and other times I leave with a smile on my face.  Do what you can do and know that is enough.

Take care.

I could have written this almost word for word. Sorry I don't have an answer, but you're not alone!

Know exactly how you feel. What do you say or do with a loved one who has dementia? I think it comes down to quality vs. length of visit. If the facility allows pets and you're a pet owner, how about bringing your pet for a visit?(as long as your pet is comfortable in the car) How about bringing photographs past and present and have a conversation about them? If it's a nice day, what about taking her outside? What about if there is an activity scheduled during your visit, why don't you both attend and while she's engaged in the activity, slip out? You may also want to schedule your visit close to a meal and then you can slip out while she's eating. If she has a better time of day, why not schedule your visit then? As a social worker in a facility, I would suggest 20 to 30 minutes and I would suggest that you engage the staff's assistance to leave your mom especially if she gets agitated.

Trust me when I tell you that you're not alone.  I hate going to see my mom.  I can't really talk about anything.  I have to be careful about anything that comes out of my mouth because it gets turned around in her head and then becomes some crazy story she is telling everyone.  I get depressed and feel sick when I have to go see her.  I force myself to do it for two reasons...the first is I supply all of her personables out of my own pocket...toilet paper, deodorant, hand soap, hairspray, etc..  I also have to search her AL apartment for dirty clothes (she hides them everywhere...under the couch, on top of the cabinets, in between the mattress and box spring, in her purse, etc) I take her clothes home to clean them and then bring them back and put everything way.  The visit with her also allows me to make sure she isn't dropping weight (forgetting to eat).  It is horrible to see her the way she is and I dread it every damn time, but it is my new normal and there is no getting out of it.  When I visit her I try to make her laugh.  it makes me feel better and I think it makes her feel better.  Laughter is good for the soul. 

You'll have to find what works for you and your mom.

This is a tough one..... At first , almost daily, to get a feel for things and try to calm mom's nerves.... Now, I try to go twice a week - once on the night I know she will be at bingo, to straighten out her room, take dirty clothes & bring clean ones. The facility does do laundry, but I prefer to do it... I want to make sure mom looks nice. I choose to do it when mom is not around, because she gets very agitated & tells me not to bring too much bec ise she is not staying there. She is staying, has been there about a year & a half. Then I go on Sundays for our visit ( not much going on activity wise).... Visits are usually bad, she tells me how much she hates it, and how could I do this to her. No reasoning with her, so when she starts, I try to change the subject, if she persists I cut the visit short. If I can redirect, I try a change of scenery, take her outside, maybe try a puzzle, coloring....

The worst part is, some days she knows me , other times she doesn't. The nurses tell me that she forgets I was even there, 5 minutes after I leave.... : (

Do what you can for her, but you have to find a balance to keep your sanity as well.

I drove 40 min for 2 to 3 times a week - when I was having same issue I did a planned talk so I always brought  her a consumable item [favourite was a Tim's 1/2 decaf coffee & 1/2 hot chocolate] with 2 Timbits - I brought water for myself & we shared to Timbits - occationally I would bring some wine & even shrimp cocktail - I found the sharing of food with her was important to her

Part of problem is that it can seem like the same visit each time - so do something to direct the conversation like taking old family pix or a book of whatever you want to talk about [garden, dogs, etc] -

I gave her a cute mauve metal container with silk flowers in it for Mother's Day with the idea that I could bring a new stem & re-arrange the flowers as part of the visit just for something a bit different to do

It is on you to set the tone of the conversation & bringing a 'prop' to help will make it easier on you both - go to a dollar store for these things - my mom loved getting anything so even a dog toy to use as an exercise ball for her hands made her happy or a child's toy can be re-purposed to do the same - the brighter the better as it will grab her attention

I tried to mix it up a bit so that the NH didn't know exactly when I was coming so that she wasn't just 'done up nice' once a week - when I went away I left 'parcels' that I did up with small items that I supposedly mailed from my trip but it was the staff who would give her 1 every few days so that she felt 'remembered'

As to how often that is up to you but by bringing something this will take up a good part of the visit - share pix from you cell phone if you can - I even would take pix of new decorating item I was doing & just talking about it out loud helped me - if I had an idea while talking to mom I would let her think she came up with it & thank her for help which made her feel better about herself

I hope this can help you make more meaningful visits with your mom & creat nice memories that you can look back on in the future

As you said the frequency and length of visits to an LO in a SNF depends on several factors. But visits are necessary on one level just to monitor her quality of care. We would all like to think all of these facilities are "dedicated" to providing the best of care for their residents.....the are more often not so much. It's all to often all about the money. So, taking your LO on a little stroll around the facility is one activity you both may enjoy and it gives you oppertunity to observe what all is going on in the facility.
I am sorry you are an unwilling visitor, that means you are walking into the visit with a somewhat negative frame of mind. And "stressing" over "what will we talk about" just adds to this being a negative experience. I'll bet your LO can sense on some level what you are feeling. I am not "blaming" or "shaming" you, just trying to state what i understand of the situation. But during your visits if you have some simple "activity" or subjects in mind you may also have less anxiety over the visit.
And one or 2 hours are enough. Your LO may actually get too "tired" if you stay overlong.
During your stroll around (inside and/or outside) you can stop just to say hello to the staff and to fellow residents. Does your LO like puzzles. Find 100 piece puzzles you can do together in a short amount of time. Does your LO like to read? Take magazines with interesting articles you can read aloud then discuss (if possible) or just give your thoughts on it. You could take a book that the 2 of you like so you can read it together. Take various picture albums (not all at one time, rotate ones you bring). Are you the only person who visits? Maybe some of your LO's other relatives or friends can also visit.....or join you in your visit.
Good luck and prayers 🙏

Unfortunately my mother didn't even live in the same town, let alone the same state. I had to move in with her for 6 months.

Hi Meadow,
I am writing from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed at the age of 57 with early onset Alz just about 3 1/2 yrs ago. After spending a couple of months reading up on this site, I thought about what I would like in terms of visitation. I've told my DW that I want to be put in a LTC facility at least 100 mi from where we live.
I've told my DW and children three of whom are adults and one is 12, that when it is time for me to go in to Memory Care, I want them to continue on with their lives, I won't remember whether they visited or not and I can't bear the thought of them feeling they had to entertain me and not know who they were. I want it to be inconvenient for them to visit so they won't feel obligated to make daily visits. I don't want them driven by guilt. We've had a very loving marriage, I want them to enjoy all of the time they have in their lives and with their own families. Let mom get on with her life, and make a new life for herself.

I have answered once but would like to add something after reading all of the good and thoughtful suggestions. For anybody whose loved one has dementia but is sort of in and out of it, please know that just your presence there helps them. My mother would be holding my hand and fall asleep (catnap) but would wake shortly to make sure I was just there. It was comforting to her. We didn’t have to talk all the time. I would watch her tv while she catnapped or even go on Facebook and check in to see posts of friends. Whatever I did, it got me through and comforted her. She was in there for 4 years. She seemed to do better with visitor I might bring along. Example—I asked a friend if she would go with me and we would have lunch somewhere and then go by to see my mother. Mom was on puréed food so she could not go to lunch with us. You find workarounds to make it easy. I love some of the suggestions on here.

I just want to empathize. My husband has fronto-temporal dementia and is in assisted living. He has not been able to verbally communicate for years. I go to see him daily but his primary interest seems to be watching television. Our best times together are when I’m able to get him out to ride and go get something to eat. I keep thinking there should be more I can do, but it’s very hard with someone who has dementia and cannot speak. Every now and then I think he does have lucid moments, and that, along with my love for him, are what keep me going.

My mom is now 95 with advanced Alzheimer's and resides in a memory care facility. I try to visit on a daily basis at times when there are structured activities (such as bingo, card games, bible study, etc.) That way it's not just the 2 of use--other times she sits in her wheel chair and sleeps so after about a 1/2 hr I leave.

Mom is in assisted living. I visit 3X a week, the drive is 20 min each way. On her good days I stay around 1 1/2 hours. Today was a good day. We had tea and a muffin, chatted and I read to her. On her bad days, when she is having behaviors, I only stay around 45 minutes, just long enough to sooth and calm her. Those visits drain and exhaust me. They trigger bad memories. My sister sees Mom around three times a week too, which includes taking her to Dr. appointments as she has medical POA. My brother almost never visits.

We have my MIL over for dinner once a week. I either refresh her nail polish or give her a manicure when I take her back after dinner. I find the time goes by faster over a meal or even a cup of tea. We often tell her about our week, tell her about current events, ask her about her childhood or early adult life. Sometimes we listen to music or watch movie. We always try to make her laugh. Good luck!

My Mom has dementia as well and I am not able to take her out so since her building is connected to the hospital (we are a town of about 6500)I take her for a walkthrough all the hallways of hospital in her wheelchair (I get her to walk sitting in it to encourage her to keep exercising). She is 96 and likes to "travel" so this helps me to not have to talk much (or keep asking same things) but I will say small towns are wonderful because they all smile or take time to chat with Mom a bit or even show her a baby that was born if Moms are good with it. One of the head nurses is so sweet and won't let Mom pass the Acute care until she gets a hug from Mom. Plus she sometimes makes small stuff for Mom. I am totally blessed this way. I sometimes just take her to dining room or cafeteria depending on the day and get her a hot chocolate which she loves but also know she falls asleep a lot in her chair. Her fav thing is when I scratch her back and head as we walk. I go almost everyday (sometimes only 5 days) because even if I don't feel like going I think how thankful I am to still have her. It wasn't that she was there much for us as kids but I do love her and she is so little (but tough...ask the staff. lol) so feel like she is my child (until she has an episode and then I have to leave...too emotional for me). I have 3 other siblings but the 2 boys haven't been here for about 4 years and my sister usually comes every summer for a month or so but since she doesn't drive I am always with her and Mom anyways and then have to take my sister to wherever she wants in town. Plus she is a night person so is never ready to go till 3 which is frustrating for me. I love her too but sometimes just more work. Either way I just want to encourage you to do what you can and not feel guilty when you don't go. We all need breaks and rest and friends. God bless you in all you set your hands to do!

Bring your own entertainment. What I mean is keep handy a joke book or a game. Even when my parents were quite infirm, they could play dominos and other simple games. Make something together, craft or food, and while you're going through that process, talk. Maybe the activity can segue to a memory of their younger years. At one point in my mother's last months, I bought a storybook that her sister used to read to her when they were children called The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew. Mom's roommate has end stage Parkinson's and was mostly very unhappy and although not really verbal, let everyone know. However, I learned that when I read from that book, not only did mom enjoy it, but so did her roommate. One chapter was about when the family came down with measles. Mom and her roommate shared their memories about the measles. Albeit, it was mostly my asking questions and they would answer yes or no, but it was still very interesting for me and them. For other visits, I would give mom a manicure or if time was limited, a tiny treat like a piece of fudge (easy to eat). Music works well, especially the oldies that they know the lyrics for. I used the phone a lot. Poems and reading wikipedia entries about golden age of Hollywood stars, and jokes worked for mom. Dad preferred chapter books and discussions of history; I had to keep the laptop handy. Just take their cues and think of ways to prod their memories of their childhood and young adulthood. I learned so much about them. Now that they are gone, there are times I'll relay one of their memories to my brother and he'll say "how did you learn that?" And I reply, "by spending all that time with them in the last few years." And you know what? I realize now that I should have asked so many more questions. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is see those visits as opportunities to learn their history.

I can sympathize with you.... my mother in law changed initially into a negative person, talking, for example, about one daughter in particular (the primary carer) in a very critical manner, usually confided in me rather than one of her other daughters. When in hospital some months later, I visited twice a day, ten fifteen minutes. I was a twenty minute drive away, the closest by far of her family. Even then it was hard to think of things to say . She would compliment me on visiting her to the other lady patient in the room, and once criticized the other lady in a loud voice, leaving me to apologize. On the one occasion the other lady s daughter came out after me to acknowledge, and said my mil was a lady, kindness indeed. That kind of interaction kept me going. My mil was beloved by her family, and although she had this loving family, she brought me into her heart, making these visits seem very little for me to do for her.

long tale. Ask others for talk ideas,, help her start a notebook, a pretty one, with life details, photos....

if her her memory is affected, you might be able to repeat topics. I hope you get lots of replies. You sound kind and caring. Keep visiting, and best wishes.

Everyone is different. A couple suggestions are, pick a day that when you go, you can give her a manicure and paint her nails. Or go in the evening after dinner and just sit and watch TV with her and leave when they come in to get her ready for bed. You don’t have to carry on a conversation the whole time you are there. Your presence is what’s vital. When my mom was in ALMemory I was the Tuesday night daughter and Sunday lunch. Fortunately I have a lot of siblings and we were able to divide and conquer! When she moved to SC, my company closed so I was able to go every morning to feed her breakfast, plus my Tuesday nt dinner and Sunday lunch. When in SC meal times are the important visiting times so you can help feed them and make sure they eat. When my SO was in AL and SC, I was there 7 hrs a day to cover both lunch and dinner. It’s not necessary to keep them amused the whole time, but visiting is crucial to keep the staff on their toes. You want to see how they are handled during all different times of the day. How do they handle showers? Toilet times? You only can know this if you are there. My journey with both has ended. Blessings to you as you continue your journey.

I visit my 89 year old husband every other day even though it is 45 miles away. He has Alzheimer's Disease with vascular dementia. He still know us and even knew his nephew and daughter who I took to have lunch with him last week. He hadn't seen either for several years. I usually stay between 1.5 and 2 hours and take my knitting along. He may visit for 10 minutes and then doze the rest of the time. Sometimes waking just enough to check that I'm still there. When I leave, I never tell him "Goodby" but just that I need to go let Suzie, our small rat terrier, out, and that will be been back soon. He accepts that and I go on my way.

He is in skilled care and can only feed himself, so other activities and difficult to find. He does like music, and I always try to be there when they are having special programs because if the staff asks him if he wants to go, he will say No. I don't give him the opportunity, I just say we are going to ???. He has little attention span for TV, although I try to find music or play CD for him when I am there.

What to discuss is an excellent question! I am with my 95 yr old dad 3-4 hrs every day and needless to say, I run out of topics. It would be great to start a list of things we could talk about that I haven't already thought of. Last week, I asked my daughter to send any little bit of info about her kids and her daily living and she has been a great help. All trivial but that is great!

Well, it depends on your parent, but with my Mom, I would time the visit for about 30 minutes before her favorite soap opera started. That would give us time to have a small chat, and for us to go get a cup of coffee and take it to the TV room. Where it would just happen to be time for "our" favorite soap to start. So much easier to watch General Hospital, than to just sit and stare a the wall. Other times, if the weather was good, I'd wheel her chair outside for a short walk. She very soon, wasn't even up to even a simple chat, so I switched to doing her hair, while I was there. I asked the nurses for the schduled days that they would wash Mom's hair, and I made a point of visiting that after noon. I brought in a steam hair setter, and would set her hair. Still, I'd put on the TV, so we could both pretend to watch, since conversation wasn't happening anymore.

With Dad, he was a little more aware, and had alway had a terrible sweet tooth. (Thank goodness he waas not a diabetic) So I would stop at the donut shop on the way ther, and buy a few of his favorite glazed donuts. When I arrive at the Dementia care facilty, I'd take Dad to his room, (and make us a cup of decaf and have donuts. While we watched reruns (actually they were tapes) of Everybody Loves Raymond. Dad just loved that show. Other times, we listened to CD's of his favorite music Dean Martin, Tony Bennet, Frank Sinatra, etc. And while the music played we look at old family photos.

That was something I'd tried with Mom, but quickly realized she could not see enough to see the photos, due to cataracts. By the time we'd gotten her eyes done, she was no longer cognitively able to understand.

Then with Dad, who was about five years behind Mom on the Alzheimer's path, I started a photo album for him. It was a big 4 inch thick binder, titled "La Mia Famiglia" (Italian for : My Family). In the photo album there were a few basic pictures of Dad, and Mom, to start. Then every time I visited, I brought a few pages of more photos. The best of the old ones. So we'd mount the photos in the album, and I'd ask him questions about the people/places or time. Dad would still remember the old days, his brothers, and family.

My favorite was the day I'd brought a simple photo of Mom, from when she had been about sixty years old. And as Dad gazed at that photo for a long while, he said: "So beautiful. She was always so beautiful."

I go to visit at least 3-4x a week. She sleeps most the time but I hold her hands and talk to her. I help her eat meals.

When Mom was still “living independently” in her home, I was retired & my “visits” were 3x/week; they lasted from breakfast to tucking her into bed that night. My brother’s 1x/week “visit” was the same. The other 3 days were split between the aide & my sister.

After Mom moved to AL, I went back to work. My sister, brother, and I each visited once a week (different days) & those visits were between lunch & her nap, usually lasting 3 hrs max. Mom eventually moved to a NH, & we followed the same pattern. By that time, Mom wasn’t always up to conversation, so sometimes we would just sit enjoying each other’s company. Well, Mom enjoyed it; it could be excruciating and sad for us. Usually after those visits we would call each other to be reminded that while uncomfortable for us it was of great comfort to Mom. Sometimes we would get there & Mom would already be sound asleep!

I specifically took a longer route that was prettier & had less traffic because it was less stressful for me. I would use some of the time during the 90-minute drive each way to call our other brother who lived alone 600 miles away, which was especially helpful when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. Other parts of the drive I would chill & enjoy the scenery/drive. Once I learned to designate that day for Mom’s visits & not try to squeeze in anything else, it was so much easier on me.

I also want to add that it was exhausting to always try to keep those visits upbeat & cheery. People watching, nature channels, and videos of babies or puppies/kittens were a lifesaver. Mom passed 2 years ago & that is how we helped her during her long 8-yr battle with the disease. Hugs to you during this time.

You may try calling the nurses station and having them check her phone if she is not answering and just talk to her on the phone one week and then visit the next week. That way, you are only going every two weeks instead of every week but still giving her the comfort of talking to you. She still wants to know a family member cares about her. You also need to go at least every 2 weeks to be sure she is being looked after properly. When family members don’t come, that gives staff members a reason to “get slack”. I know this. Another suggestion would be to take a friend with you to help engage in conversation with her. This helps A LOT. I had a cousin who use to go with me sometimes and it made the visit better for both my mother and myself. We laughed more and somebody else talking about themselves was something different for Mom too. Worked great.

Can you bring things to do?
Bring photo albums either to look at or have her help put photos in the album.
Bring cards to write out. This time of year Holiday cards would be nice, if she can write her name on the bottom of some of them.
Does she recall any family recipes that you might want? Get those written down if you haven't yet.
Did she have a hobby? Knitting, Crochet? Maybe a paint by number set.
Did you ever play cards with her, dominoes, dice?
Even if she can not focus on the games it would give you something to "do" other than talk about the weather, the pets...

My dad is in memory care about 10 minutes away. He's been there almost three years! I visit usually one time per week for about an hour. I visited more at first but he's declined significantly and after three years, it's tough. I struggle as well because I have run a small business for almost 30 years and now that I'm in my 50s I was expecting some time to catch-up on all the things I didn't do while I was working 6-7 days a week in my 30s and 40s. To top it off, my mom does not like visiting him and sometimes will go a month or two without seeing him, which breaks my heart. How can she not care a little more? She sits at home all day doing nothing but resists visiting him on a regular basis. I am the only one who cares or visits.

As far as the visits: I try to get my dad outside. The facility he is at has a walking path and numerous porch areas. Also, there is a small city park nearby and I take him through a McDonalds drive-through and we get lunch and eat on a park bench. I have downloaded some of his favorite music to my phone and I play that in the background while we eat. Sometimes I take him out for a drive for an hour or so. Sometimes I eat lunch at the facility with him, but mostly my goal is to get him out of there for a short while.

Pace yourself, this could go on for a long time. My dad recently went under Hospice care but the Hospice case worker says to be prepared for possibly five years more that he could go on, and if that happens he will have spent about 10% of his life in a facility, which makes me very sad.

When my Dad was in rehab because the wrong medication made him weak and unable to walk and he had early-stage dementia I visited every day. I live 30 minutes away. We did not know initially if he would ever come home. I became friendly with the staff always asking questions about how his night was is his shower today did he eat etc. I watched their interactions with Dad. Always always in a pleasant manner and treating them with respect. Folks in resting homes for whatever the reason them being there long term short term need an advocate. We are their advocates. I would bring Dad fruit candies and food that he did not get at the rehab center that I knew that he liked. I sat with him while he ate either breakfast lunch or dinner to observe if he ate on his own. I would sit next to him while he took his nap. We watched TV Andy Griffith Hogan’s heroes Gunsmoke game shows even cooking shows etc., interacting as we watched together. We sat and held hands we went for walks in the hallways and depending on his strength at times he was in a wheelchair. I did anything to keep him engaged. We spoke to people in the hallway always with a big smile never a frown as those people needed pleasant interaction as well. We got to know the first names of several of the long-term patients that hung out in the hallways. They got to know Dad calling him by name. We would sit in the clubroom and people watch. I would go into the exercise room and get a light weight Beachball we would bounce the ball back-and-forth at times with him standing and other times with him sitting depending on his energy level. I was always trying to come up with something for us to do. At times he wanted to do it other times he did not. What he did want was me being there. The point is to keep them engaged as much as possible even if it is mindless conversation to us or looking at a magazine or a book with them or watching reruns on TV or making that walk down the hallway for the 10th time. I imagine it is very boring to sit mindlessly for an hour not engaging. Is it work yes it is. Very rewarding work. It takes a lot of empathy a big sense of humor and patience. Fortunately after 3 months my Dad was able to regain his strength and come home for the remainder of his life. I then continued my journey to give him a good quality-of-life while at home. It is up to us to make the remaining time of our loved ones life rewarding. I was very fortunate that I could spend the time with my Dad that I did. I placed myself in his shoes. Personally I would not recommend a cut back on the visits with your Mom. Perhaps take a different perspective. Go online and look up how can I make time spent with my loved one more rewarding for both of us. Make the hour that you spend with your Mom worthwhile. It’s about her. You have the control to do that. She unfortunately does not. When her life has passed and it will you will not regret it. Prayers and best wishes to you and your Mom moving forward.

My husband would Visit his MS Bro at least Three times a week for a few hours. Ali did mos tof the Talking, His bro just enjoyed his Company and often to there wad Entertainment in the Lounge for them. No Matter, Your presence is just There because you Care.

Very interesting and enlightening ..... thanks for a great question! I noticed all that have responded have a parent/s in a LTCF. Both of my parents (90 and soon to be 90 are) still living in their home. This makes my "visits" longer since I usually end up doing some type of housework, trying to declutter (without mom's constant interference) taking care of meds and drs. apps. It usually ends up eating away at 4 to 5 hours one day a week, sometimes longer. Thankfully I'm retired, but as we know......free time is still at a premium with our own homes, families, grandchildren, and everything else needing to be dealt with. I get very frustrated since they have the financial means to move to a nice IL/AL complex, but mom (mild to moderate dementia) refuses to move. Resentment is becoming a problem for me since I never had a good relationship with my mother and she always lived her life according to her wishes and whims and is spoiled beyond measure. It is difficult for me to spend so much of my time on someone who is so unappreciative. Sad thing is she is in relatively good health and this could go on for many more years. Dad is also in decent health.......but can only do so much, this is why I do what I do. I'm 69 and would like to enjoy the same freedom mom had at my age.

Long story short.....I'm in this for the long haul and probably need an attitude adjustment. I typically am not a negative person, but this situation can and does drag me down. But no guilt.....absolutely no guilt!