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I’m just curious to see the various responses. Obviously, it will vary depending on the relationship & situation. I’m just wondering what others do.


Mom has early-mid dementia and I’ve gotten into a routine of going to visit her in Memory Care weekly on the same day. For about an hour, we just sit in the main room and we talk about weather, food, my pets, etc. It’s kinda awful. I would probably be okay with 10 min visits but she always hates it when I leave and I always feel guilty because I would hate being left there or being in her shoes too!! I would like to visit less often but I worry that I’ll regret not visiting more when she’s gone. It’s a cycle of feeling either guilt, or inconvenienced and resentment, or fear of future guilt! When I ask the nurses if the other residents’ kids come to visit and how often, they say it varies but 1-3 x week for most. We never had the best relationship but I think we both did the best we could. I just find myself dreading the weekly visit because there are so many other things I should (could) be doing to feel productive but I also struggle with just sitting there trying to think of things to say! I’m the only visitor she has. I sometimes take her out to the store or to eat but it’s getting more difficult to do that. She’s always happy to see me but I’m not even sure she would know if I skipped a week. If I could touch base with a phone call instead of a visit, I would but she keeps turning off her phone by accident so an in person visit (25 min drive) is the only option. I work from home so it’s do’able. It’s just starting to feel more like a chore and I hate the guilt of not taking advantage of the remaining time she has since dementia will probably steal her ability to talk at all before we’re prepared.


How often do you visit if you’re in the same town and what do you do during your visit? Do you find it difficult to just sit and do nothing if they aren’t really capable of engaging except for simple conversation?

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I'm sort of in the same boat...MIL is in very nice LTCF 3 miles from me and hubby (her son). We are still working full-time at our business plus contributing care for our 9-yr old grandson who lives with us 50% of the time. MIL has short-term memory issues but sometimes she remembers recent things, you never know. I've wrestled with your same dilemma, mostly because it is very difficult to make conversation with her after 10 minutes. And, if she never remembers we were ever there, are we just performing out of guilt and avoiding the judgement of the staff? Does it benefit her at all? When we moved here there, we kept several tubs of her mementos, photos, old letters from her children, cards, etc. at our house. We'll sometimes bring the photo albums and go through them on the pretense that we need her to tell us who the people are and what dates. Since her long-term memory is pretty darn good, this is useful and she seems to enjoy it. Sometimes we'll take the iPad (since it's large) and show her pics of things our family and others are doing, or run funny animal videos from YouTube (a big hit!). I try not to allow myself to feel put out, as this is how I'd like to be treated were I in this situation (and I very well may be some day). Wishing you blessings and peace in your heart as you travel on this journey with your mom!
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My 92 y/o mother also lives in Memory Care about 4 miles down the road from me. I hate hate HATE visiting her and dread it with every ounce of my being. All she does is complain and gripe from the minute we get there until the minute we leave, so it's annoying and exhausting. She hates looking at photos so we can't do that to pass the time. She hated my father, so we can't talk about him at ALL. So we wind up sitting there (my husband and I) like 2 boobs, listening to her carrying on the whole time.

So we have found the best thing to do is to take her out to eat, which is a giant chore due to her being in a wheelchair, but it's a DIVERSION and keeps her griping to a minimum. She's very hard of hearing too, so the noise in the restaurant is a problem.........her motor skills are compromised so the actual eating is a problem........but hey, other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

I don't feel particularly sorry for her being in Memory Care.........she's in pretty good health for almost 93, and has the money to live in a wonderful place with people who dote on her, so she's better off than many other people her age. She has spent her whole entire life complaining about how we weren't good enough, her home wasn't enough, her life wasn't good enough, my father didn't give her what she deserved............so nowadays, what's different? Nothing.

It is what it is. I do not feel guilty for anything because I'm doing nothing 'wrong'. Neither are you. Figure out what diversion technique you can use to make the visits less than dreadful moving forward. Bringing snacks is always a good one, I have found. Also, People magazine or a rag like National Enquirer or Star is good for a brief diversion or a quick look-see for what people are wearing or a juicy piece of celebrity gossip.

Also, I work as a receptionist in a MC community; here is what I've noticed: most visitors stay for about 20 minutes. They're in and out like the wind, visit for a short period, and leave. There are a few daughters who have had exceptional relationships with their loving mothers and they come nearly every day and spend 2 hours or more at a pop. There are TWO such daughters who do that on a regular basis. The rest of the family members come and go very quickly. The whole environment is difficult, so many family members take the resident out for a walk on the grounds or for a quick ice cream or to the McDonalds across the road. The visits are brief, is my point. They can't really engage in a true conversation anyway, so again, DISTRACTION is they key.

Best of luck and try to stop feeling guilty..........you're not doing anything 'wrong'.
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Sounds like cutting your visit time is an excellent idea.

I have a friend with a 101 yo mom with dementia that has the same trouble.

It sounds very mind-numbing and frustrating. Maybe make a little list of fun things you can tell her about, then leave when it starts going down hill. 10 - 30 minutes should be sufficient. You don't NEED to spend a long time visiting. Check in, see how she's doing, and head on out. She may complain but no matter how long you spend, that's going to happen. Do what's best for yourself.
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Good afternoon, Meadow,

This question involves so many variables as you say, so I can only relate my experience. My parents lived together in a nursing facility for almost two years prior to my father recently passing away. I live about 30 minutes away and before I retired, I would visit twice a week. I would stay anywhere from 30 minutes to two hours. After retiring, I visit usually every other day, and stay for the same time. Now that my mother is alone in the nursing home, my family and I have stepped up the visits. We don’t plan to continue this level for long but at least until we see our mother developing more relationships with the other residents. I go there around dinner time and stay until she goes to bed around 8:00 or 8:30. I think nighttime is the hardest time for her without my father, and it is a comfort to her to have one of her children there. We eat dinner together, then go back to her room, watch a little TV, and I supervise her nighttime routine: brushing teeth, picking out a nighty, praying together and tucking her in bed.

If I visit during the day, I usually spend the first 15 minutes of the visit on what I call “housekeeping”: organizing her room, advocating for her health with the nurses, CNA’s, social worker, etc. We might play Bingo with the other residents, watch a movie together or just sit together. My parents both had mild to moderate dementia so conversations were always very limited. I often bring some crochet project to work on, or do a crossword puzzle. My mother doesn’t need to be entertained by me - she just enjoys my presence.

Yes, I often dread going to see her, especially after my father died, but I don’t go on my own strength but the Lord’s. This power and strength enables me, once there, to enjoy my visit and create some good memories with her.
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Harpcat Nov 2019
You sound like a very loving daughter. This is exactly how I begin my visit with the help of God and doing the work of Jesus on earth. It is my ministry. I wish my visits with my dad were enjoyable but they aren’t. But I feel I need to be a witness to his life and it’s ultimate end. We are not guaranteed a lovely life with our parents and many have good reasons to be resentful. I try to focus on what needs to be done and do my absolute best with compassion. That’s all I can do. I do know that this experience of him living here and with dementia has been a life lesson and a teacher to me and for that I am grateful.
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You might find it easier to visit when there is an activity going on that you can both take part in (I got a kick out of Friday morning sing-a-longs), sitting with her during a musical program or bingo or whatever counts as together time and you don't have to make conversation. Joining her for a meal in the dining room is another good option.
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My mom lives in an SNF and I work full time so I visit for about 60-90 mins every Saturday. She is doing well there and is pleasant and good company. But in the past, when she had major depression and was in other facilities, I couldn't stand it for more than 20 mins.

Even visiting once a week is hard and exhausting, and this is with someone I get along with fine!

It's a long trip out there and I don't drive so I will either use public transportation but when I am too footsore for that I use car service. For which I use her money to pay. I expect that my brothers will try to sue me for wasting "their" inheritance on car service to see mom but I don't give a sh*t at this point.
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This is all good info. I've been struggling with guilt of not going to visit my mom everyday. I can kind of justify going every other day, but it never occurred to me that I was "allowed" to go less frequently. Maybe I can start setting my mind towards fewer visits. I hope others will continue on this thread.
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Zdarov Nov 2019
It’s wonderful when someone else starts a thread you need so badly. Be sure to read and soak in all the replies. Mine is still in ‘independent living’ so I have to go all five days that no one else does. Mine watches and rants about politics, so our topic is taken care of. Ugh. I always feel a little funny leaving, but once I’ve said goodbye and am out in the hall I’ll hear her continuing talking to the TV like she was talking to me and figure well, that’s OK then.
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My dad is in Assisted Living an easy 10 minutes from my house. I visit usually 2 days a week and have him to my house for breakfast on Sundays. He has limited short term memory but can still hold a conversation, except we have very little to talk about. I go through the litany of news from the kids and grandkids, current weather, who's coming home for Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter/pick-a-holiday, and what house repairs I'm getting done - all things where I can do most of the talking since he doesn't say much. Each time I'm there I straighten up his apartment, do dishes, etc to try to keep the place presentable (the housekeeping staff barely cleans and never straightens or tidies.) Visits last just over an hour and by then I think we are both ready for me to leave. And I'll add that I dread every visit and any day I don't have to go I feel like it's a holiday. I also go on frequent trips and on those weeks I just call a couple of times and he doesn't seem to notice the difference.
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I'm not sure how well your mother still keeps track of time, but, she may not realize if you don't stay as long. If you can pack as much as possible into the visit, then, maybe, she will have a great time and you won't feel stressed. I don't put any rules on my visits. They may only be for 20 minutes, depending on how she's feeling.

I don't live in the same county as my LO (cousin), so, I cannot go every day. Plus, I am a caregiver for others and run my own business. But, when I do go, I try to make her feel special. I used to take balloons, flowers, treats, her favorite dish, fun or pretty things for her room, new clothes, soft sweater or night gown, etc. I show her everything I brought and let her feel how soft they are. I'll ask if she likes them, but, she may or may not nod. I'll sort through her clothes to see what needs tossing or make note of new items she needs. Apply lotion to her hands and arms. I might hang some cards or pictures in her room or play some music. I might walk with her in wheelchair around the facility to say hello to other residents, or go outside, if it's nice, etc. I often chat with the staff or family members of other residents. So, I get a chance to tell them all about her life, her travels, her career, etc. before dementia. I hope she can tell that I brag on her a lot.

If you are engaging in other things, it might make it less stressful for you and keep her amused. I don't rely on her for the conversation. She used to be able to talk some, but, it was often word salad and made no sense. And, for the last year, she doesn't talk at all, so, it's just me chatting, asking her questions and then answering them for her. But, that's okay. It's more the tone of the voice, the hugs, kisses, sweet talk to her that lets her know you care. She doesn't even know who I am anymore, but, that's okay too. In the moment, she has a soft person to give her my attention an affection.

To me, it's not for anyone else to judge you. You do what you can. That's all we can do. You might also consider hiring a visitor to go see her a certain number of visits per week. I know people who have done that. Also, check with the facility and local churches. My LO's facility has several church member volunteers who visit each resident every week!
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espy5g Nov 2019
Hi thank you for such a lovely idea as to contacting a church etc to visit mom! I live out of state and don't get to visit mom weekly. I do go at least once a month. I have 2 married son's who try to go on weekends to visit her. Sadly mom has not been the loving & caring person. She has always made her rules, said what's on her mind ( regardless of how mean and cruel it is because she thinks being honest is always best). She has almost always been a bully and I've never said anything to her about it out of respect of her being my mom. I was always taught to respect my elders. Well, recently I told her to stop bullying. She didn't like it one bit and told me to respect her since I was "the" daughter. I told her "respect gets respect"! Anyway I left home and my husband temporarily to go take care of her out of state for nearly 8 mos. The entire time there she criticized me, told me to leave, yelled and cursed at me, locked me out of her apt twice, refused to eat what I made us, threw my clothes on the floor (threatened to toss out also), etc. When she started to hit and get violent with me I finally decided to put her into a nursing facility in a memory care unit. Her drs. had signed papers months prior to this but I hadn't wanted to do so. Now that she's there I visit at least once a month since I'm out of state. When I go I stay at least a week and visit her daily. My point is that since we never had a good relationship and she was such a bully to dad, family, her friend's and myself I don't especially like staying too long each visit. And I leave feeling guilty each and every time. I usually stay about 1 hr but I can't wait to leave after about 15 - 20 mins. I know it's her dementia when she forgets, repeats, and asks the same question every couple of mins and try hard to remember that but it's become less of a nice visit and more of a chore. I also think that if I don't visit her regardless of how long I stay I may regret it when God decides to take her. My point here is, am I doing this for her or for me? I truly hope it's for both of us! I'm grateful my boy's visit whenever they can on weekends even though she hasn't been the best grandmother. And truly grateful to my husband who never objects to my leaving to go check up and visit her. I love her because she's my mom but not so sure I'd be friends with her if she wasn't. How sad & quilty is it to come to realize that? If you've read this far THANK YOU for allowing me to vent and share with you. Sorry I know you weren't expecting this type of reply. God's blessings to you!

P.S. I've just returned from a week visit with her. Everyday I'd go she'd say "No one cares. No one ever comes to see me" Then she'd forget who I was. I also have Hospice CNA go to facility so she gets extra care. She tells her same "No one cares or visits". So when I check with Hospice I get the feeling they think/feel mom isn't cared for by family. So now I'm going to check to see if I can find a local church or group who can volunteer to go visit mom during the week once in awhile when we can't. Wonderful idea! Thank you! Maybe mom won't feel/say "No one cares. No one visits" so often. Maybe not, but at least I THINK I'll feel less guilty? I hope so.
Alheimers/Dementia is such a horrible disease!!! 😪
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Mm.

Well, it's two hours a week. Two hours by the time you've got in your car, driven there, sat with her, and driven back.

Compare that with the time you spend on other things, whether you enjoy them or not so much. That might help put the actual time taken up in perspective.

To leaven the lump: what do you do during the drive? Could you put on music, or compose memos on your phone, or learn a foreign language? Is there much of a scenic view on the route? Is there a café on the way back where you could treat yourself to something as a reward?

During the visit - you could take a magazine, and share that with your mother; or knit; or sort photos, or write family letters; you could probably even sit and read a book, because I expect it's your presence alone that matters to your mother, rather than the scintillating conversation.

Working from home and running a household, I expect that like most people you're incredibly short of time to yourself. You could look on the journey time as enforced time to yourself, and what's more you're using it in a good cause.

I wouldn't, myself, recommend that you cut back more than you must. Once you do that it tends to be that the intervals between visits will start to stretch, and the length of the visits will dwindle, and eventually your mother will become one of those whom nobody has time for, and that would be very sad.

Try looking on the visits as above, as a kind of practical meditation, and see how it goes. If you go on feeling worse and worse about them there's no law to say how often you have to see your mother, but I think, if you possibly can keep them up, in the end you'll be glad you did.
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My mom has worsening dementia, lives in assisted living about 15 min from me. I work full time. I typically go by to see her 2-3 times a week, but would like to cut down to once a week. I have all the same feelings and emotions as you do, and a lot of guilt about it too. I dread going to see her for fear she will make me feel guilty when I leave. I feel as if I'm being selfish for not giving more of my time to her, but I also feel like no matter how much I do, it is never enough. I cry and worry over it almost every night
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I would go twice a week and would go when it was lunch. That way I could help her and have lunch with her. It also allowed me to check up that she was being looked after properly. If I though she was looking a bit unkempt I would mention it to staff. Its important to go because it keeps staff on their toes and mix up the days you turn up
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With my granny I would do the hi how are you, let's change your baby dolls clothes, never called it a doll. I would bring a new outfit that I had found at the thrift store and show her, then we would go share a coke, which was hilarious as it gave her the shivers to drink carbonated drinks, but she loved it and we would laugh and laugh as she sipped and shivered, then I would push her through the facility saying hi, she not so much, then maybe sit outside and then we would go to her room and play catch with a stuffed animal. She was almost nonverbal and had no idea who I was but we laughed and enjoyed the time.

I didn't worry if she remembered 5 minutes after I left that I had been there, I knew that she enjoyed the visit while it was taking place and that was good enough.

Depending on the ability level I think games that engage them in the moment are great, whether that is go fish, slap jack or bridge, whatever they can enjoy. I played cribbage with a gentleman that I companion sat with and I didn't know how to play and he couldn't remember, but we passed many happy laughter filled hours playing. It is a lot like engaging with a child, it's not what you do as long as you do it together.

This time of year is a good time to get craft items at high discounts, maybe build a gingerbread house or a puzzle.

Most importantly do what you feel like you should.
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herdingcats Nov 2019
Sweet answer. Yes, I feel like spending the time is important. They love our visits so much. Even serving as someone to vent to, though hard, is serving an important service. I say let her vent a little and then find things that you also enjoy, such as going out to eat or just a walk around the grounds, or games or puzzles as suggested here.

Sorry it's hard! I'm with you that it's not always easy. Try to remember how important you are to her, even if she doesn't know the best ways to show it!
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I felt the same way when my mother came to live nearby. We had no relationship for over 40 years. So, it's been a learning process to be a daughter - something I realized I never got to be.  However, it has been a wonderful experience, one I am very grateful for.  She is early dementia and is still very sharp.  Sometimes we have a great visit, sometimes it is sitting together holding hands  to watch a show (she enjoys Cash Cab or Andy Griffith) and chatting - sometimes it's just looking at magazines and pointing out something of interest; often that starts a little conversation, too.  Even a picture album is good, sparks some stories they can tell you.  This experience, while it's definitely been a stretch of who I was a year ago, is one that has grown me considerably.  And, my family sees a joy in Mom that was not there for many many years...she had been such a bitter person. I visit most days, but it is when I can, and sometimes it is only for 15-20 min because they're eating, etc, but at least to say  "HI" and a HUG.   Sometimes, it is much longer.  Working full time makes what is available harder to set aside...sometimes, it's on the way to get groceries or on my way home from work.  Know this, your Mom is thankful to have someone stop by to visit, even if it's a short time.  You are making a difference.
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Hi,

That must be a strain on you to leave and see her upset. It's hard to think about seeing that mood change compared to not seeing it all but you're missing out on spending quality time.

I don't know if my grandmother has Alzheimer's Dementia but she is very forgetful to a point where I feel like she may have it. When I visit her I stay about 2-3 hours. I go on my days off just to make sure she's doing okay and all. Things that help when i'm leaving those visits are make a list of realistic things she wants to do for the next visit.

I don't find it difficult to sit and have a simple conversation, it only makes my mind wonder when she takes a little longer to reply or she is taking her time to share her thoughts. I've learned how to be patient. It's just scary seeing someone who knew you before you knew yourself barely recognize you without constant reminder.

Best wishes to your mother and you.
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I live only a 10 minute walk from my mom's assisted living. I took care of her for 7 years before she moved there, so I became her everything. I visit just about every day. I'm emeritus professor, so only teach part time now, but have a career as an artist so I'm pretty much always working. However, because I'm the only person who visits my mom on a regular basis I feel I must continue to do so. Most of the time I enjoy visiting her, but that might be because it is so much easier now that I'm her daughter again, not her care giver. I also have had a reasonably good relationship with my mom all my life. She and I have no interests in common and she now does not even know that I'm an artist or professor, so conversations are only about her and anyone in the family she partly remembers - most are dead. But she does know I'm her daughter and when she doesn't know the answer to any question she replies, "Ask my daughter". Whenever out of state family visit I almost insist that they go see her. Those visits are always great in the moment, but she doesn't remember them 5 minutes later. I've learned to live in the moment when with my mom and those moments make her happy long after she's forgotten the visits. I take her for rides in the countryside and mountains, to her doctor and dentist appointments, etc. She's an every day part of my life. It's fairly easy now, but I know there are most likely hard times in the future and try to not dread what is to come. I guess the difference, Meadow, is that I mostly enjoy my mom. People try to make me feel sorry for myself, but really it's okay so far for me.
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Treeartist Nov 2019
ArtistDaughter,

I have been thinking about your statement “People try to make me feel sorry for myself, but really it’s okay so far for me.” I know exactly what you mean! This has happened many times in my life, and more recently last weekend. With time, I have learned how to handle it so it doesn’t send me into THEIR idea of pity. Sometimes it catches me by surprise and I have to remind myself that others’ idea of a joyful life is not mine. I would SO love to have only a 10 minute walk to be with mother as you do. I am happy for you!
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My mother has mid to late dementia. Although she is unable to remember specifics of our visits together, my visits contribute to her overall feeling of well-being. For example, one day I took her to see a matinee of Downton Abbey (because she is British and has always had a strong connection to the queen), then to a lovely lunch. Before arriving home we stopped at the park for a little walk. As we were leaving the park, I reminded her of what we had done that day. She had already forgotten about the movie and lunch! But the important thing was that she was happy. Although dementia patients may not remember what transpired, they definitely will benefit by retaining a positive sense of well-being.

If you are feeling guilty, it may be a conditioned response from when you were little if you were groomed to be a "good girl." If the parental love you received was given on the condition that you were doing what your parents expected you to do, then you may end up with a guilt complex when you know you are "disobeying," even when that disobedience is only in your mind. (If this rings true, you might want to read "You're Not Crazy, It's Your Mother.)

When we frame things by saying, "I have to" or "I should," we may be taking away the feeling that we have a choice. The fact is, you do not have to visit your mother at all. You may visit her; it is your choice. As others have suggested, you may find it helpful to bring something you enjoy into these visits. For example, I enjoy meditation so I put on some relaxing music and we both close our eyes and "relax for a bit." We go for walks - fresh air is good for both of us. We play our own "cooperative" version of Rummicub instead of the normal competitive way. Yesterday I stopped by to give my mom a shower and wash her hair, etc. When we were all done, I announced I had to leave to go grocery shopping. She kept saying, "You are going to leave right now???" The old me would have caved and spent more time with her, only to be overly exhausted by the time I got home. You must find a balance that is good for you, too. But if you are feeling uncomfortable with a one hour visit just once a week, I suspect you have other issues in the relationship which may need to be worked out. :) Best to you!
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As someone else pointed out, our visits serve a dual purpose besides just keeping in touch with the loved one. We are the eyes, ears, hands and mind for a very vulnerable person. It would be wonderful to think they would receive excellent care whether you made frequent visits or not, but that is not always the case. Your presence serves to keep them on their toes.
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goodzmom Nov 2019
Excellent advice!
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I have cut my visits down to once every 2-3 weeks. I usually am there about an hour sometimes less. Some of that time is taken up with fetching for him, straightening up his room or talking to the nurse or finding an aid to help him. We don’t have much conversation as that part of him has really decreased. It is sad. I just feel I need to be present and I don’t worry if we talk much anymore. Does my visit do him any good? I don’t know but he is normally glad to see me. However he isn’t as with it as he used to be. Yes I dread it, and it makes me sad, and I go out of obligation and love...never out of guilt as I’ve done nothing wrong. You do what you can, when you can. It doesn’t need to be on a schedule. I know some people visited their parent daily. That’s not for me and would be pointless.
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Loris15 Nov 2019
I tried to not give my Mom a set day and time, but she seems to freak out more if she doesn’t have that routine. Then I get the panic calls demanding to know when I’ll be there next, or she comes up with some perceived need I must fill for her...
so for me, I feel stuck in this pattern until she gets to the later stages of Alzheimer’s.
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With my Mom (mid stage Alzheimer’s)- I have been going on Sunday mornings for an hour visit and that seems to work. It’s hard when there’s not much to talk about with her, I know. We mostly walk around her building as she hates sitting and she never was social...
i sometimes go during a meal and sit with her in the dining room so that takes up part of the hour. That way I’m observing her table behavior as well.
my Mom doesn’t remember the visit anyway so I have to do what’s also right for me!
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My husband is in a nursing home (Alzheimer’s) and I visit every day because I want to. When he was in a memory care AL, I would tell folks to visit when an activity was happening (music, etc.) and join in as it passes the time. There was also a nice patio area so sitting outside or walking around was nice. Sometimes also watching a favorite TV show, soccer/football game, or movie - just the companionship made him happy and the visitors didn’t have to feel they were trying to make conversation with someone who had difficulty conversing.
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Since Dad is slipping and getting tired, along with getting confused, It's usually about 40 minutes.
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Very interesting and enlightening ..... thanks for a great question! I noticed all that have responded have a parent/s in a LTCF. Both of my parents (90 and soon to be 90 are) still living in their home. This makes my "visits" longer since I usually end up doing some type of housework, trying to declutter (without mom's constant interference) taking care of meds and drs. apps. It usually ends up eating away at 4 to 5 hours one day a week, sometimes longer. Thankfully I'm retired, but as we know......free time is still at a premium with our own homes, families, grandchildren, and everything else needing to be dealt with. I get very frustrated since they have the financial means to move to a nice IL/AL complex, but mom (mild to moderate dementia) refuses to move. Resentment is becoming a problem for me since I never had a good relationship with my mother and she always lived her life according to her wishes and whims and is spoiled beyond measure. It is difficult for me to spend so much of my time on someone who is so unappreciative. Sad thing is she is in relatively good health and this could go on for many more years. Dad is also in decent health.......but can only do so much, this is why I do what I do. I'm 69 and would like to enjoy the same freedom mom had at my age.

Long story short.....I'm in this for the long haul and probably need an attitude adjustment. I typically am not a negative person, but this situation can and does drag me down. But no guilt.....absolutely no guilt!
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My husband would Visit his MS Bro at least Three times a week for a few hours. Ali did mos tof the Talking, His bro just enjoyed his Company and often to there wad Entertainment in the Lounge for them. No Matter, Your presence is just There because you Care.
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When my Dad was in rehab because the wrong medication made him weak and unable to walk and he had early-stage dementia I visited every day. I live 30 minutes away. We did not know initially if he would ever come home. I became friendly with the staff always asking questions about how his night was is his shower today did he eat etc. I watched their interactions with Dad. Always always in a pleasant manner and treating them with respect. Folks in resting homes for whatever the reason them being there long term short term need an advocate. We are their advocates. I would bring Dad fruit candies and food that he did not get at the rehab center that I knew that he liked. I sat with him while he ate either breakfast lunch or dinner to observe if he ate on his own. I would sit next to him while he took his nap. We watched TV Andy Griffith Hogan’s heroes Gunsmoke game shows even cooking shows etc., interacting as we watched together. We sat and held hands we went for walks in the hallways and depending on his strength at times he was in a wheelchair. I did anything to keep him engaged. We spoke to people in the hallway always with a big smile never a frown as those people needed pleasant interaction as well. We got to know the first names of several of the long-term patients that hung out in the hallways. They got to know Dad calling him by name. We would sit in the clubroom and people watch. I would go into the exercise room and get a light weight Beachball we would bounce the ball back-and-forth at times with him standing and other times with him sitting depending on his energy level. I was always trying to come up with something for us to do. At times he wanted to do it other times he did not. What he did want was me being there. The point is to keep them engaged as much as possible even if it is mindless conversation to us or looking at a magazine or a book with them or watching reruns on TV or making that walk down the hallway for the 10th time. I imagine it is very boring to sit mindlessly for an hour not engaging. Is it work yes it is. Very rewarding work. It takes a lot of empathy a big sense of humor and patience. Fortunately after 3 months my Dad was able to regain his strength and come home for the remainder of his life. I then continued my journey to give him a good quality-of-life while at home. It is up to us to make the remaining time of our loved ones life rewarding. I was very fortunate that I could spend the time with my Dad that I did. I placed myself in his shoes. Personally I would not recommend a cut back on the visits with your Mom. Perhaps take a different perspective. Go online and look up how can I make time spent with my loved one more rewarding for both of us. Make the hour that you spend with your Mom worthwhile. It’s about her. You have the control to do that. She unfortunately does not. When her life has passed and it will you will not regret it. Prayers and best wishes to you and your Mom moving forward.
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My dad is in memory care about 10 minutes away. He's been there almost three years! I visit usually one time per week for about an hour. I visited more at first but he's declined significantly and after three years, it's tough. I struggle as well because I have run a small business for almost 30 years and now that I'm in my 50s I was expecting some time to catch-up on all the things I didn't do while I was working 6-7 days a week in my 30s and 40s. To top it off, my mom does not like visiting him and sometimes will go a month or two without seeing him, which breaks my heart. How can she not care a little more? She sits at home all day doing nothing but resists visiting him on a regular basis. I am the only one who cares or visits.

As far as the visits: I try to get my dad outside. The facility he is at has a walking path and numerous porch areas. Also, there is a small city park nearby and I take him through a McDonalds drive-through and we get lunch and eat on a park bench. I have downloaded some of his favorite music to my phone and I play that in the background while we eat. Sometimes I take him out for a drive for an hour or so. Sometimes I eat lunch at the facility with him, but mostly my goal is to get him out of there for a short while.

Pace yourself, this could go on for a long time. My dad recently went under Hospice care but the Hospice case worker says to be prepared for possibly five years more that he could go on, and if that happens he will have spent about 10% of his life in a facility, which makes me very sad.
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Can you bring things to do?
Bring photo albums either to look at or have her help put photos in the album.
Bring cards to write out. This time of year Holiday cards would be nice, if she can write her name on the bottom of some of them.
Does she recall any family recipes that you might want? Get those written down if you haven't yet.
Did she have a hobby? Knitting, Crochet? Maybe a paint by number set.
Did you ever play cards with her, dominoes, dice?
Even if she can not focus on the games it would give you something to "do" other than talk about the weather, the pets...
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You may try calling the nurses station and having them check her phone if she is not answering and just talk to her on the phone one week and then visit the next week. That way, you are only going every two weeks instead of every week but still giving her the comfort of talking to you. She still wants to know a family member cares about her. You also need to go at least every 2 weeks to be sure she is being looked after properly. When family members don’t come, that gives staff members a reason to “get slack”. I know this. Another suggestion would be to take a friend with you to help engage in conversation with her. This helps A LOT. I had a cousin who use to go with me sometimes and it made the visit better for both my mother and myself. We laughed more and somebody else talking about themselves was something different for Mom too. Worked great.
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When Mom was still “living independently” in her home, I was retired & my “visits” were 3x/week; they lasted from breakfast to tucking her into bed that night. My brother’s 1x/week “visit” was the same. The other 3 days were split between the aide & my sister.

After Mom moved to AL, I went back to work. My sister, brother, and I each visited once a week (different days) & those visits were between lunch & her nap, usually lasting 3 hrs max. Mom eventually moved to a NH, & we followed the same pattern. By that time, Mom wasn’t always up to conversation, so sometimes we would just sit enjoying each other’s company. Well, Mom enjoyed it; it could be excruciating and sad for us. Usually after those visits we would call each other to be reminded that while uncomfortable for us it was of great comfort to Mom. Sometimes we would get there & Mom would already be sound asleep!

I specifically took a longer route that was prettier & had less traffic because it was less stressful for me. I would use some of the time during the 90-minute drive each way to call our other brother who lived alone 600 miles away, which was especially helpful when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. Other parts of the drive I would chill & enjoy the scenery/drive. Once I learned to designate that day for Mom’s visits & not try to squeeze in anything else, it was so much easier on me.

I also want to add that it was exhausting to always try to keep those visits upbeat & cheery. People watching, nature channels, and videos of babies or puppies/kittens were a lifesaver. Mom passed 2 years ago & that is how we helped her during her long 8-yr battle with the disease. Hugs to you during this time.
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I go to visit at least 3-4x a week. She sleeps most the time but I hold her hands and talk to her. I help her eat meals.
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