How long do you play along with wild stories?

My response to this sort of thing is usually the same - you cannot argue a broken brain in to believing something different than what they believe. You tell her the picture of her husband is not her father, but your father. You get frustrated and it makes her angry...or on a better day makes her realize she's losing her memory.

It's very possible her mind is back many years ago and remembers her husband as a young man. Maybe she sees this older picture and her brain goes to father. Doesn't really matter. She already doesn't remember exactly how the guy in the picture is related to her, but does know that he is. If her brain says it's her dad, then go with it. What does it hurt.

Dealing with those wild stories for me were sometimes infuriating. It's all part of the disease process. You just have to go along with the process of the confabulation of stories because the brain is broken. It is a sad thing to witness. If a story brings them comfort, don't try to correct them. It's their memory and their truth. The problem isn't them. I realized the problem of me getting irritated by some of these stories and at the same time they can funny as heck. I had a client years ago who tried to cook split pea soup and burned it. Her neighbor from across the hall smelled it. It happened on a Saturday. I only worked for Miss Lady on weekdays. She told the neighbor I burned up the pea soup. I wasn't nowhere to be found. I was mildly irritated when the neighbor told me the story when I returned to work that Monday, but now as I look back on it, this was some sort of cognitive mishap going on at the time. It is no point in arguing with them because it will only cause your blood pressure to rise and they will forget about what it was all about in a New York minute while you are left still fuming.

As said, don't correct her. Just go with the flow. You don't have to feed her delusion but just be vague and let her ramble about whatever. It doesn't really matter.

It sounds to me like she'd qualify for MC. Where does she live now? Different MCs have different setups so check a few out and get on the waiting list. Do you have POA to make this decision for her?

Best of luck.

Oh boy, my opinion is that you play along with the stories until you can stand it no longer. The stories can be very hurtful, as people have written. You can't tell if they are truths or not because they mix up the people, the time and what happened. My mother thought my sister was her sister whom my mother adored. When my sister couldn't answer questions related to my aunt's life, my mother got very angry and thought she was lying to her. We got my sister out of the situation and out of the house for about 4 hours, then my Mom acted as if nothing had happened, when my sister came back.

My mother ruminates hate of her father. We didn't really like him, however, her incessant negative talk is very hard to take now. Again, we couldn't get her off the topic and she got very angry so we would gave her a timeout of 5 minutes.

It was a phase, of a long length. She eventually ruminated about other things and other people including her mother's death. However, it was the incontinence and the denial of incontinence plus belligerence, that made me finally place my Mom in Memory Care.

From my point of view, MC allows me to walk out and not have to listen or deal with the aggravating behavior. When she was going over and over again, how someone wronged her, I could say "Mom, it has been nice talking with you, see you tomorrow" and walk out. For that, MC is priceless. She is currently back to ruminating about her father. However, this time, it is much easier for us to leave the conversation now that she is in MC.

I've often wondered if the reason why they dwell on the negative is because they can't see enough or remember enough positive in their world. With their lack of cognitive thinking, since the negative memories are the strongest, they lack the ability to frame those negative thoughts.

Sucks.

Deciding to move someone to Memory Care or Assisted Living is a very individualized experiece.

Hi Linda, she forgets in five minutes later? They forget seconds later. I am taking care my husband who is 96 yrs old since 2015. At this point I don't know which dementia he has. The neurologist never diagnosed him specifically. When I first took him she just asked him the general questions, because I told her his behavior why he needed to be seen. I think he has lowe body or vascular dementia just from reading in a internet and health magazines. At that point She just prescribed him Seroquel and aricep ? Not sure if I am spelling correctly. At the beginning I used to get frustrated with him asking me the same question over and over during the day. Now 8 yrs later those questions it seems nothing compare how other things has changed with his behavior. Like incontinence trying to deal with defiant behavior, brushing they teeth, they tend to choke very easly while they are eating and many... many...many.. other things. my husband became anemic in 2021. So His neurologist, told me stop the Seroquel it was shocking to me, I was not sure how it was going to affect him. she said the medicine was causing the anemia. it turned out to be for better it has been yr and half His hallucination it's gone. Occasionally he thinks that his brother who has been death for more the 25 yrs. He thinks still leaves with us I just agree. Not sure if you mom is taking medication. Sometimes, the medication can cause the hallucination and agitation. That's what I have noticed with my husband. So many things to consider before putting, your love one in memory care. Like someone's commented on this pg. Please inform yourself. This disease is new to all of us and very..very challenging every day and night. Best of luck!

My MIL is very lost now, mentally. The 'boys' help their YS care for her in her home. They were talking at dinner the other night about the worst aspect of this situation and they both said it was the non-stop verbal diarrhea against their beloved father.

She divorced him 35 years ago, but has to still bring up every single thing he did to ruin her life. The guys were saying that it is just so depressing to see that she not only never forgave him for the life she had with him, she's been carrying this hate around like a cancer.

My DH said that one night she went off on me. No secret that she despises me. She told DH a bunch of unbelievable stories, that he KNEW weren't true, but she insisted they were. She felt she had to tell him the 'truth' about me.

I guess this went on for hours, off and on. DH was so angry, he gave her her meds and told her to put herself to bed. And he went out on the back porch and ignored her for the rest of his shift. (back when they were doing 24/7's).

I'm sorry she did this to him, but I am'glad' that she did b/c he never believed me.
He apologized for not having my back--but it's been 48 years. I'm kind of over her.

When she gets going on some subject, she has to beat it to death. If they try re-direction, it makes her even angrier.

Thank goodness for that whopping dose of Xanax they keep shoving in her. Without it, I think she'd be in a psych ward somewhere.

You play along with the stories of our aged just as you would with little kids, because in a way a person with dementia is regressing to that state. Don't argue, go along with the stories, have a little fun with them; it will keep the peace and might even give you a little pleasure/amusement while hanging out with your mom. Whether it's 'time for a facility' is a judgement call, often dependent on the level of need and the ability of caregivers to keep up and keep their own lives balanced. All the best.

I definitely agree that there’s no point in correcting her. She isn’t lying, she’s telling HER truth.
I’m always surprised at what my husband says to others, but no need to put my two cents worth into it. After 54 years of marriage I found out today that he was an Air Force pilot! Led 40 people to safety while he was a swim instructor. What a busy life he has had! No harm, no fowl.

As long as she is safe and healthy and has others with her at all times, she doesn't need memory care. However, if none of those conditions can be met - it is time for memory care.

As for going along with her "stories," as long as it doesn't create harm for herself or others - don't correct her. You know the truth and her inability to remember correctly is her problem, not yours.

LindaO57: Perhaps it is time for memory care. Do not "play along with wild stories," but redirect, e.g. it's a nice day - would you like to go sit in the garden area?

My mother also has dementia and I've learned that it serves no purpose to "reorient" her or "set her straight" on her reality - it's just upsetting to her. And why upset her?

It's not their fault that their brains are deteriorating.

If she showed me a picture and was mistaken about the identity, I'd just say "well isn't he handsome!" or something like that.

Whatever comforts my mother is what I say.

~Southiebella

What does it hurt to humor her? Do YOU need a vacation?

The only reply to nutzo stuff like that is, “Mmmhmmm!” Then you roll her right back to her room and alert the staff that it is time for a sedative. Wave a cheery goodbye, and vamoose! She won’t remember, anyway.

When I would go visit my mom in the nursing home during her rehab stint, I met quite a few people who had dementia.

Many seniors didn’t seem to have regular visits from family members and they would chat with everyone who walked through the doors.

Occasionally, I would stop to speak to a few of the permanent residents at the home.

One woman asked me to push her wheelchair out into the parking lot so she could find her car and return home to her young son.

I was caught off guard and said, ‘Young son? You’re an old woman. Your son must be an adult.’

She says, “I beg your pardon! I’m only 36 years old and my son is only 9 years old.”

Just then, another resident rolled over with her wheelchair and said, “Don’t pay any attention to Charlotte! She thinks she’s a young woman.”

I don’t know what made me ask her what was her son’s name. She gave me his full name and out of curiosity I looked up the name on Google. I found him. Her son was about my age and lived close by.

Later in the week I saw her son visiting his mother. She had no idea that he was her son.

It’s terribly sad that memories get all jumbled up in a person’s mind when they have advanced dementia.

Until the meds kick in

The stories are not wild to her. That is her reality. Your trying to set her "right," will not make any difference. It will only cause stress for both of you.

You can ask her about the things in her stories. Let her talk. Don't try to correct her. As far as where she lives, it is wherever she can be safest and getting the best care possible.

Really? Yes I think it is time but if she is in a safe place, living with someone who can watch her 24/7 then perhaps she can stay where she is for now. That is a HUGE responsibility but if you are able to do this for the time being, then I give you all my respect and say keep the course until you can't anymore. Eventually, you will have to place her and that is good for everyone but I realize it is very hard and very sad. I guess we have to make the most of bad situations.
My parents just went into a nursing home. My mom has some form of dementia and she was completely unsafe in their home. Wandering at night, falling, she had horrible hallucinations and lost everything she touched. She is safer now but I do not think she is happy. BUT she was not happy in their home either. She cried all the time and she and my father screamed and fought. Now my dad is pretty comfortable in the nursing home. She is not but sometimes you have to choose the best option when there is not a good option.

My dad, apparently, became a ninja in Japan. OK....
I learned to just enjoy the story unless it is upsetting to them and
then I just steer the conversation away into something else.
"correcting" them can be harmful and cause a lot of problems.
Dementia means the brain is dying. You have to float along with
whatever is working at the time.

Be very careful about care settings you consider. Memory Care may or may not be the most appropriate. MC units are locked and her peers are likely to be unable to converse with her. MC units are locked based on assumption that those with dementia are “wander risks.”
If wandering away is not an issue, a regular AL unit offers a more challenging environment.
I’ve been told that in some states the mere diagnosis of dementia mandates placement in a MC unit. My sister has been placed in a MC unit in CA based on this alleged mandate. This MC unit is more expensive than AL units. It is dingy and offers her no hope of companionship with other residents. Despite the higher cost, the facility claims it is unable to provide her with needed additional nighttime supervision to prevent falls. Sorry - I am not sure why they cost more! My sister has NO physical health issues so needs only minimal nursing care. I’ve advised my adult children to avoid MC units for me.

It's not necessarily time for a memory care facility. If she's being safely and successfully cared for at home then there isn't need for placement. That decision would be up to you and the family caring for her at home.

It's okay to go along with delusions that are harmless. If she thinks a picture of your father is her father, just tell her he's a handsome man. Don't correct her because there's no point. I once had an elderly client with dementia who thought she was secretly married to Elvis Presley. So we just went along with it because it made her happy and kept her calm.

If her delusions start becoming paranoid and she gets aggressive with you or her other caregivers, that's when she should be placed into managed care.
If caring for her becomes too much for you and your family, that's when it's time for placement.

If you need a respite break from her, Medicare will pay for up to two weeks a year in a care facility to give caregivers a break.

You need to stop trying to convince her of the truth. As you found out, it just makes her angry. It helps not to think of it as playing along with wild stories, or lying to her. It is accepting the reality that her brain is not working right, and relating to her where she's at. It's called it "therapeutic lying"

For safety reasons for her and sanity reasons for you, most likely some form of memory care unit placement should definitely be considered. Confer with her PCP or Geriatric Specialist to get a " level of care needs" assessment for her and, be sure to give the physician your observations and experiences with her. Then they and you can look at options for her care including placement into facility care if desired.
Act on this ASAP as she potentially could be or become unsafe due to the expressed cognitive deficits you describe.

Just keep playing along. The scenarios in their mind are as real as ours. No convincing them otherwise. Or if you do convince them otherwise, they will forget 10 minutes later.

And yes, with the memory issues and agitation you described, it’s likely time to look for memory care.

With dementia you have to go along with the stories that is all they remember. My BIL also tells stories he also has dementia with short term memory loss. He can't remember something that happened 2 minutes ago. So he comes out with these stories and we just say to him okay, yeah, or is that right.

My BIL is in a memory care facility right now not because of his stories but because he fell outside of his apartment and laid on the ground for 30 minutes a neighbor found him and this was in fall so if it would have happened in winter he could have died.

If your mom is alone then yes its time for a place for her. If she lives with you and you can't take care of her then yes its time. It maybe a good place but when you do please make it just like home for her. Take pictures she has on the walls, take her bedding, if she has a favorite chair she sits in take it. That is what we did with my BIL he has his recliner, bedding, hats on the wall, pictures on the wall, a dry erase board with numbers on it, his clothes are in the closet, he has his own TV, and he has a small fridge where he has his own pop and water in it.

Prayers

The article suggests that, in the absence of a cure for dementia, allowing patients to persist in their own reality, as long as it is safe and doesn't harm anyone, can be a compassionate and beneficial approach to dementia care. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/playing-along-with-dementia-realities-121365.htm?

I Just went along with the stories - It Made My Mom Happy to talk about seeing Elvis in concert or The Beatles at the Melody tent . My Dad would Obsess about his mothers wedding ring and he wanted to give it to me . I said " Dad your Mom Passed 42 years ago - I am sure someone else took the ring - Dont worry about it . " He forgot My brother had died - he made a face at me and said " Karen did Billy Die ? " Most of the time he was with it but the short term memory was bad ..... He forgot how Old he was . I was at the beach and he was waiting for me On the benches " Barbara , Barbara , Barbara " That was My Mothers name - he wanted to get something to eat . Personally if she is ok keep her home because once they are gone you really Miss them a Lot . Its funny though he would start singing songs from the 1920's and 1930"s and Know all the words . Songs I had never heard before that His mother Must have Played during the depression era . Music is a good tool to Implement . They said Tony Bennett was Playing Piano and singing his songs a couple days before he Passed and he had dementia .

I certainly hope she isn't living alone. If not, then you can decide on memory care anytime you want, but she clearly isn't able to live on her own any longer.

As far as how long you go along with the stories, the answer is forever. My mother concocted an imaginary husband within weeks of my dad's death, and he because part of the family for the next 2 1/2 years until she died. Depending on the day, he worked for NASA, was a telephone line repairman, or was a private pilot for the Kennedy family, so you can imagine how wild the stories were.

It was really hard to put up with those stories because she was madly in love with this imaginary man (who was based on her real-life first boyfriend) and she forgot 66 years of marriage with my dad in mere days. Eventually, though, we came to realize that this guy brought her comfort, and she was so disconnected from reality that Dan was the one constant she could count on. The time came that she forgot what our relationship was (during the Covid lockdown), but her caregivers said she made it through that lockdown period much better than many other residents in her MC because Dan never left her. We were so grateful for that comfort that my brother actually considered mentioning him during Mom's memorial service. (I vetoed that, since sharing the craziness of dementia didn't need to be spread far and wide.)

It's a tough time for you, but try to go with her reality as much as possible. Her sense of people, time and place is broken up like a jigsaw puzzle, and you can't reassemble it.

Please don't correct your mom whose brain is broken, as all it does(as you're finding out)is cause her to become upset and angry. It's not worth it .
Just go along with whatever she says despite how ridiculous to keep the peace.
Also it probably wouldn't hurt if you educated yourself more about the disease of dementia so you can be better prepared for what to expect.
Sadly what you're describing with your mom is quite "normal" for someone with dementia, and it doesn't sound like you have the patience to be dealing with her, so perhaps it is best that she be placed in a memory care facility where you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate and not her caregiver, as folks with dementia require a lot of patience and care.
I wish you well going forward on this journey with your mom.

Grandma1954 August 2, 2023 5:30 pm

I am going to take your last question first
I am going to assume mom lives with you since you say she brings photos to you then she hides in her bedroom.
You ask if it is "time for a Memory Care facility"
That is sort of up to you.
Is mom safe in your home?
Can you continue to care for her as she declines, the memory gets worse, she is incontinent, she has to have food minced or pureed, liquids thickened? These are just a few of the things to contend with.
If the house is not safe for mom, if she can't use a walker or a wheelchair or you can't use equipment to help transfer her or move her from one area to another then MC is an option. Or caregivers can be paid to come in and help. Or changes can be made so the house is more accessible for her. (if these things have not yet been done.)

How do you handle the stories?
you go with the flow.
Ask her about the person in the picture.
Do not correct her, do not tell her that the person in the photo is your dad when she thinks it is her dad.
You will NEVER "win" an argument with a person with dementia. Trying to correct her will get her upset, frustrate both of you and leave you both angry.
When she tells the story about your brother, ask her more questions about what happened, who he was with.
Time is either stretched or compressed with dementia and it can be both at the same time. It is possible that the story of your brother running away when he was 10 may well have been when he went to college or got married.
But even if that is not the case does it really truly do her any harm to weave the stories she wants to? As long as she is not frightened about a photo, about what she thinks might have happened to your brother. If that does happen reassure her that everything is alright but try to do so without trying to correct her. Validate her concerns and Redirect,

Hi Linda,
Just go along. It's a kindness to agree with whatever memories the disease has left her, even if all she has left gets kind of mixed together. Sometimes memories about another family member (or even a movie character) can get mixed in with their own personal histories too. It's not going to do anything but make her feel confused if you correct her. I don't know about you, but I think my mom's a little happier and easier to manage if I just agree with her. She forgets what she's told me anyway, but it was hard to get the hang of it at first...:). Someone on the Alzheimer's boards said their loved one said it was like looking at a mixed up pile of photos of their life flashing by that would suddenly stop and they would look around for the people from that time and it wouldn't match who they saw in real-time.