How long do you play along with wild stories?

I certainly hope she isn't living alone. If not, then you can decide on memory care anytime you want, but she clearly isn't able to live on her own any longer.

As far as how long you go along with the stories, the answer is forever. My mother concocted an imaginary husband within weeks of my dad's death, and he because part of the family for the next 2 1/2 years until she died. Depending on the day, he worked for NASA, was a telephone line repairman, or was a private pilot for the Kennedy family, so you can imagine how wild the stories were.

It was really hard to put up with those stories because she was madly in love with this imaginary man (who was based on her real-life first boyfriend) and she forgot 66 years of marriage with my dad in mere days. Eventually, though, we came to realize that this guy brought her comfort, and she was so disconnected from reality that Dan was the one constant she could count on. The time came that she forgot what our relationship was (during the Covid lockdown), but her caregivers said she made it through that lockdown period much better than many other residents in her MC because Dan never left her. We were so grateful for that comfort that my brother actually considered mentioning him during Mom's memorial service. (I vetoed that, since sharing the craziness of dementia didn't need to be spread far and wide.)

It's a tough time for you, but try to go with her reality as much as possible. Her sense of people, time and place is broken up like a jigsaw puzzle, and you can't reassemble it.

Hi Linda,
Just go along. It's a kindness to agree with whatever memories the disease has left her, even if all she has left gets kind of mixed together. Sometimes memories about another family member (or even a movie character) can get mixed in with their own personal histories too. It's not going to do anything but make her feel confused if you correct her. I don't know about you, but I think my mom's a little happier and easier to manage if I just agree with her. She forgets what she's told me anyway, but it was hard to get the hang of it at first...:). Someone on the Alzheimer's boards said their loved one said it was like looking at a mixed up pile of photos of their life flashing by that would suddenly stop and they would look around for the people from that time and it wouldn't match who they saw in real-time.

Grandma1954 August 2, 2023 5:30 pm

I am going to take your last question first
I am going to assume mom lives with you since you say she brings photos to you then she hides in her bedroom.
You ask if it is "time for a Memory Care facility"
That is sort of up to you.
Is mom safe in your home?
Can you continue to care for her as she declines, the memory gets worse, she is incontinent, she has to have food minced or pureed, liquids thickened? These are just a few of the things to contend with.
If the house is not safe for mom, if she can't use a walker or a wheelchair or you can't use equipment to help transfer her or move her from one area to another then MC is an option. Or caregivers can be paid to come in and help. Or changes can be made so the house is more accessible for her. (if these things have not yet been done.)

How do you handle the stories?
you go with the flow.
Ask her about the person in the picture.
Do not correct her, do not tell her that the person in the photo is your dad when she thinks it is her dad.
You will NEVER "win" an argument with a person with dementia. Trying to correct her will get her upset, frustrate both of you and leave you both angry.
When she tells the story about your brother, ask her more questions about what happened, who he was with.
Time is either stretched or compressed with dementia and it can be both at the same time. It is possible that the story of your brother running away when he was 10 may well have been when he went to college or got married.
But even if that is not the case does it really truly do her any harm to weave the stories she wants to? As long as she is not frightened about a photo, about what she thinks might have happened to your brother. If that does happen reassure her that everything is alright but try to do so without trying to correct her. Validate her concerns and Redirect,

Please don't correct your mom whose brain is broken, as all it does(as you're finding out)is cause her to become upset and angry. It's not worth it .
Just go along with whatever she says despite how ridiculous to keep the peace.
Also it probably wouldn't hurt if you educated yourself more about the disease of dementia so you can be better prepared for what to expect.
Sadly what you're describing with your mom is quite "normal" for someone with dementia, and it doesn't sound like you have the patience to be dealing with her, so perhaps it is best that she be placed in a memory care facility where you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate and not her caregiver, as folks with dementia require a lot of patience and care.
I wish you well going forward on this journey with your mom.

The stories are not wild to her. That is her reality. Your trying to set her "right," will not make any difference. It will only cause stress for both of you.

You can ask her about the things in her stories. Let her talk. Don't try to correct her. As far as where she lives, it is wherever she can be safest and getting the best care possible.

My mother also has dementia and I've learned that it serves no purpose to "reorient" her or "set her straight" on her reality - it's just upsetting to her. And why upset her?

It's not their fault that their brains are deteriorating.

If she showed me a picture and was mistaken about the identity, I'd just say "well isn't he handsome!" or something like that.

Whatever comforts my mother is what I say.

~Southiebella

Yes, it is time. I am sorry that you are faced with this.

I have my step-mother in MC, her mind is like a continuous loop, the thing is, where she lives the people she talks to hear the same stories over and over again and do not remember them, even 5 minutes later, so all is good!

Drives me batty, but I just sit there and smile.

Sending support your way!

I Just went along with the stories - It Made My Mom Happy to talk about seeing Elvis in concert or The Beatles at the Melody tent . My Dad would Obsess about his mothers wedding ring and he wanted to give it to me . I said " Dad your Mom Passed 42 years ago - I am sure someone else took the ring - Dont worry about it . " He forgot My brother had died - he made a face at me and said " Karen did Billy Die ? " Most of the time he was with it but the short term memory was bad ..... He forgot how Old he was . I was at the beach and he was waiting for me On the benches " Barbara , Barbara , Barbara " That was My Mothers name - he wanted to get something to eat . Personally if she is ok keep her home because once they are gone you really Miss them a Lot . Its funny though he would start singing songs from the 1920's and 1930"s and Know all the words . Songs I had never heard before that His mother Must have Played during the depression era . Music is a good tool to Implement . They said Tony Bennett was Playing Piano and singing his songs a couple days before he Passed and he had dementia .

You need to stop trying to convince her of the truth. As you found out, it just makes her angry. It helps not to think of it as playing along with wild stories, or lying to her. It is accepting the reality that her brain is not working right, and relating to her where she's at. It's called it "therapeutic lying"

Just keep playing along. The scenarios in their mind are as real as ours. No convincing them otherwise. Or if you do convince them otherwise, they will forget 10 minutes later.

And yes, with the memory issues and agitation you described, it’s likely time to look for memory care.