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I just put my father in assisted living10 days ago. I want to make this as easy for him as possible. He has pretty sever dementia and does not seem to realize his condition. He wants to come home of course but that is not negotiable. Can anyone share their experience of this with me?

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I was surprised to hear that parents want to go to their childhood home. I keep reading on the internet and that helps me. A few points I have relaxed about, if you are making loving decisions, then they are the right ones. No two people go through the transition exactly the same. Take care of yourself and solve one problem at a time.
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I'm so sorry about your brother. He's so young to have such a horrible disease.

You've got so much to live with. I hope you can detach from this agony somewhat and take care of yourself. Sacrificing your own health won't help anyone. Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol
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sorry, I read it as 10 years, not 10 days. Mom has been moved for 2 years now, and just until recently when she stopped talking, that is all she said.....My answer is the same. He lost control , it is not up to him anymore. It is sad and hard to grasp.

Just found out my brother was moved to a lockdown unit, only late 50's. He broke out of his cell twice. He has a rare brain disease and is going to go fast.....He is fighting, but he cannot talk, aphasia. Poor guy...
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This is a default exclamation: Go home, go home......This is what they say...10 years for your dad now, he knows, it is the disease. Deflect, give him treats, or something else to think about. Probably not much else to do or. You will soon learn that you will lmiss that saying, as my mom has stopped talking... Take care.
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Those with dementia can have a harder time or an easier time adjusting depending on their level of care needed. 10 days is not even close to ending the adjustment timeclock. It is certainly different timing for each person and each caregiver. But trust the people that are working there with him to take care of helping him adjust. You should go there and just enjoy him and if you show peace of mind, he may soon come along with your thinking. God Bless!
Terie Novak, author of amazon ebook "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents."
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My 94 year old Mom has been in assisted living for three years, and Always wants to "go home". Does not realize her limitations, and need for assistance with everyday needs. She is still very angry with me, but I have developed a "thicker skin", so it does not upset me as much. The guilt I felt was unbearable!! Always surprised to hear about those who adjust in a few months. I know my Mom will Never accept her new living environment....
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It varies a great deal from person to person. My dad asks almost daily when he can go home and he means the place he just left. He is too "well" to be in AL and too "bad" to be left alone. Bad meaning too many needs etc...It is a constant struggle. Hopefully your parent will do better!
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give him a month to adjust to the surround. Once he start seeing people of his age he probably do find. Bring TV , radio, fair chair, picture and DVD movie he like.
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No one can say with any degree of accuracy. Too many variables to prognosticate.

It took her 87 years to get where she is now, so be prepared to be patient. :)
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My LO started out believing she would get better in a short while and be able to come home. For about 3 weeks she repeatedly asked me when she would be able to go home. She said she was pleased there, but still wanted to return home. Then she stopped asking. Lately, she made the comment, IF I ever go home, NOT WHEN, so, she's accepted it more and more. She tells me the people at AL are good to her and she's happy. (Except for a few issues with her roommate, but that's pretty minor.) I suspect she realizes how safe she is now. She's not isolated and gets to chat all day long. They have daily activities, singers come twice per week, church service on site every Sunday, great meals, etc. At home she withdrew from people and would not socialize.

When she was repeatedly asking about going home, I would say, I wasn't sure, it wouldn't be too long. I even wrote it out and taped it to her wall so she could read it when she wanted, but she forgot it was there, so it didn't help. Eventually, I explained in a nice way, that the best thing to do when I visited was to talk about her progress, her health, her activities, etc and not discuss things we could not deal with yet. After 3 weeks, it changed. She looks better than I've seen her in years.
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I just gave my Dad information on an Assisted Living Center yesterday, after talking about it a week or so. He looked quickly and put it aside. I reminded him it would be closer to me. He and my Mom and my mentally ill sister now have someone coming to their home 3 times a week for 3 hrs. In all my trying to get him to increase the hours I was only able to get him to pay for 1 more hour.
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Wonderful answers from everyone here. Your dad may take days, weeks or months to adjust. Be there for him, distract him when he complains, bring items from home that are familiar to him - just don't show any sign that you are sorry he's there.

As some others mentioned, you may hear him say repeatedly "I want to go home." That is common and really has little to do with actually going to the home he just left. Some experts think home is more of a state of mind. Others think it's the home from childhood. Whatever "home" means to the person with dementia, going back to where he or she recently came from isn't the answer.

Take care of yourself. Your heart will break at times, but you can help best by being his anchor and reassuring him that he is loved for who he is. Please keep coming back to check in with our community and to let us know how you are doing.
Carol
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I moved Dad to a CBRF facility 3 weeks ago. Prior to that me lived with me for 4 months after mom passed away. He called the first evening
and my sos and I went over calmed him down he also calked a week later but since then no talk of going home. He lives fairly close to me so I can see him fairly often. It is a new place so only about a third full which I think when it is at full occupancy he will like it better.
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To my last comment, I must add: the things that you bring from home will be just props, like the props in a stage play. The lamp doesn't need to be plugged in and the clock doesn't have to work. If there's room, bring a chair from home -- even a kitchen chair! You could also bring the calendar from the refrigerator and mount it on a wall somewhere. Anything that makes him feel, "this is home".
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My mom has been in LiveWell in Margate Fla now for 4 months. She keeps saying that she wishes she could complain but cannot. When she was home she really did nothing. Now she is playing Mah Jong, Bingo, black jack. They go for lunch once/week, Walmart, Thrift stores. Her only issue is the money. I am so happy she is content. Only problem is - it is in Fla. She has noone down there. But she is quite verbal and clear headed. If she was demented that would be another story.
Good luck.
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15 years- most dementia sufferers 'want to go home'. And many of them don't think home is where you most recently moved them from! For my Mom, living in her apt of 6 years, she always wanted to 'go home'. She had her aide walking the complex looking for 'home'. We (eventually) realized she was looking for her childhood home. She had regressed to her late teenage years.

At the Memory care AL we took her to, I never heard her ask me to 'go home' But many of the other residents had this as their mantra upon move in. Eventually it becomes a nonissue. The (well trained) aides at this facility used diversion tactics. The bus is stuck in traffic, etc. They almost always worked. Just try to get Dad off the topic. (We'll talk about it later, etc). Visit often and when you are leaving it is to go to an appointment, beauty parlor, your doctor,volunteer assignment, etc. That way they don't feel abandoned.
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My wife will be going into a facility next month and I dread it, and how long it may take her to adapt. We moved to our present home almost three years ago and to this day she does not associate this house with home. She asks permission to enter by the front door or to go into any room. She will not stay inside the house by herself. Thus, currently she has no home and she has unfortunately built her life around me instead. That's going to be rough when I'm not there.
You may be fortunate that your father is clinging to a place instead of a person. There are ways to get people to transfer their attachments to places; I think it's worse to be attached to people! For your dad, bring him anything that makes him feel at home -- a picture from the wall, a family scrapbook, whatever articles from home that he's familiar with (such as his alarm clock, a certain blanket, a knick-knack, even a bedside lamp from the house if it's permitted). When we travel, don't we miss those things? I'm sure he does, too.
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It has taken my Mom almost a year to finally get comfortable being in an assisted living facility. When I first placed my Mom I didn't visit her for about 3 weeks. In those first 3 weeks I received calls daily from my mom chewing me out for putting her there. I developed a very thick skin quickly. I knew it was the right thing for me to do but it didn't hurt any less knowing that. It really is a better life for my Mom and I know she is safe and well taken care of. Expect some bumps along the way and just stay strong!
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Yes, 3-6 months is typical time period for most adjustment to change. But that is in the best of mental health. So not to be a downer, it could take longer. Or maybe never. But just set your expectations realistically and go in knowing it might be a difficult time for both of you. Put on your thick skin and try to let any accusatory comments roll off. Not easy as we tend to take things personally. But you are doing the right thing. Just keep an eye on things, visit as you can and let the staff take care of his needs. Wish you and him the best. It is hard, I know.
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My Mom is going on the same journey in 2 weeks. I am also curious and concerned about the adjustment period. I have heard anywhere from 3 weeks to 6 months. I am hoping for the 3 week one - haha. Good luck and let me know how your journey goes and I will do the same. I am sure there will be tons of "take me home" and "you have shanghaied me," At least that is what I have learned here and from friends. Thick skin helps and remembering they are not the same person. My Mother truly behaves as a 4year old with her demands and need for constant gratification. Hopefully the AL does a better job than I have.
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All you can do is be there for him. He's going to have to learn to adjust on his own, with the help of the care attendants. Hopefully they are a loving and caring bunch and not there just for the job. Visit him as often as you can, telling him how nice his place is and that your excited for him that he's in a place where he can make new friends and relax and have others do things for him. There's nothing else you can do. You just need to know you did the right thing, for his well being and safety. Hopefully he'll get used to it and actually begin to enjoy it. Bless you and good luck!
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