Any way or thing to help my father understand I am his rep payee for social security and veteran benefits?

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My dad has Parkinsons', dementia-the start of Alzeimers He is getting worse with confusion and many other things. A huge issue is money, he doesn't understand I can't just give him hundreds, he has needs to be met, bills to be paid, etc.. I'm sure you all know I have been accused of stealing amongst other things! Seeing what is happening to my dad kills.. I used to have an awesome relationship with him and now I'm losing that more and more each day. Back to the money.... I always give some when he asks-even if I haven't gone to his bank I give him some of mine to quiet him, but he doesn't grasp that I should be repaid? We go over why I am his payee, all doctors agree the best for him. I know about the monopoly money idea, but I know that will not work at this time. It is such issue that I'm getting yelled at insulted, etc., my dad would've never been like that w/me before becoming sick so I understand its the disease. He goes to a day program during the week-the Veterans ADP and they know what I've just told you and they don't understand what he needs $300 in his pocket for. Let me add dad was always frugal with money-maybe he just needs control of it because he's afraid? Please, any ideas on how to deal w/this particular issue? Thank you all! Valery

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Understanding the dementia experience DM suggests start with these books

Nothing worse than receiving a diagnosis of Alzheimer's and not being prepared to care for persons living with Alzheimer's.

A quote from: Ethelle Lord, "I found something worse than receiving a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. It is not getting the workforce trained in time to care for persons living with Alzheimer's whether at home or in a care center." Ethelle Lord is President remembering4you.com based in Maine

Harvard Medical School A Guide to Alzheimer's Disease (Harvard Medical School Special Health Reports) Harvard Medical School Special Health Reports John H. Growdon, M.D., Kathleen Cahill Allison, Alex Gonzalez, Scott Leighton

The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Related Dementias, and Memory...Sep 25, 2012 by Nancy L. Mace and Peter V. Rabins

Creating Moments of Joy for the Person with Alzheimer's or Dementia: A Journal for Caregivers, Fourth EditionSep 1, 2008 by Jolene Brackey

Still AliceDec 2, 2014 by Lisa Genova

Alzheimer's Association Caregiver Notebook: A Guide to Caring for People with Alzheimer's and Relate2009 by National Alzheimer's Association

Coach Broyles' Playbook for Alzheimer's Caregivers: A Practical Tips GuideJan 1, 2006 by Frank Broyles

Elder Rage, or Take My Father... Please!: How to Survive Caring for Aging ParentsApr 2001 by Jacqueline Marcell and Rodman Shankle

"Kisses for Elizabeth" A Common Sense Guide to Alzheimer's Care is written for both family and professional caregivers of people with Alzheimer's disease and other dementias. It is a practical resource for anyone experiencing difficulty with significant behavioral issues but is also helpful to caregivers who simply want to provide the best possible care.

Can't We Talk about Something More Pleasant?: A MemoirMay 6, 2014 by Roz Chast

Love, Loss, and Laughter: Seeing Alzheimer's Differently Hardcover – March 6, 2012 by Cathy Greenblat
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Valery: What's going to happen here, even IF you were able to give him the $300 is that he is going to lose it. Very bad idea! Give him three $1 bills and see if that will work.
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Sister "takes care" of Mom's money...so we can never qualify for medicaid, or medicaid share of cost. 6K in checking, 4K in savings. Because "they have a plan". I'm full time caregiver (yes, gave up employment!) going on six years. In my home. Mom's 93. Insists on the big handbag full of tissues...with money sprinkled throughout. Dementia. Heart condition. Doesn't walk, very frail. I like the idea above re: quality 'fake bills'. And yes, the anger and insults fly to me, "The Warden"; and the beloved golden children live out of state and are commensurably worshipped.
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DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MONEY! The more you have, the more you will have to pay for his expensive care. FYI - One dollar bills and $100 dollar bills are different and one with dementia will use their long term memory to recognize the difference. Anything one has done for decades usually stays with them in dementia.
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I went through this with my mom. She was always very independent and handled her own money. When she started exhibiting signs of dementia (Alzheimer's) I noticed she was losing her debit card a lot and it took me a long time to get her convinced to let me keep it in my wallet with mine so she would always know where it was. When she would go to spend the weekend with my other siblings, I would make sure she had money in her purse. It would always get lost. I'm still cleaning out her bedroom in my house (she passed away in April) and I'm sure I'll probably find some of the missing money because she was hiding everything. I stopped giving it to her and would give it to my sister or my niece that she was staying with that weekend. If they went to a store, I wanted her to have money if she saw something she wanted. Of course, she accused me of things that I know she never would have said if it weren't for the disease. I know for me, I spent a lot of time trying to explain things to her and getting upset when she would say those mean things to me. Now, I wish I had just taken the time to just assure her that she knows me and she knows I wouldn't do anything to hurt her and just hug her. I think that would have gone a lot farther than trying to explain things over and over. As this process goes on, they just can't understand those things anymore and they're just scared about everything. The disease makes them think that everyone is out to get them, even though they know deep down that you're the one loving and helping as much as you can. As long as you're doing what's right for your dad and you're doing your best to take care of him, try not to let the things he says upset you. I know that's easy to say and hard to actually do. He still loves you, he just cannot help what's happening to him right now. I had to just ask God to give me strength and help me not to let my emotions take over, because it's only human to react when someone you love is accusing you of something you're not doing. Just remember he can't help what's happening to him. Just be there for him and take care of him and show him lots and lots of love and hugs and reassurance. That's what he needs.
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Sunnygirl, Your actual experience about your cousin's use of the money you gave her was eye-opening, and helpful. You responded with a practical, wise solution: you BROUGHT the treats: no money needed! Yours was a helpful response. I also like the $10.00(?) gift card idea.
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Offer him $20 each time he goes out, appearing generous. Have him sign for the cash. Keep a running total each month. Ask him, if and when he balks, how much he needs monthly. Negotiate.
If he gambles, tell him you just cannot possibly do that ( what he is demanding), and that if he went to assisted living, the 'allowance' is usually only $30/mo.for spending.
If he is holding $300, make sure he pays it out during the month, get receipts because you must be responsible. You take him to the doctor, he pays for the gas and food out, any clothes, again, at the grocery store, let him pay, allow him to feel like he is in charge.
You will find a way to be quicker and smarter than him, soon.
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How often do you give him 300? And what does he spend it on?
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I had a similar issue with my foster dad when I started realizing he had dementia. Besides repeating your explanation and having to sound like a broken record, there's really not much you can do, I say this from experience because for some strange reason dad always forgot our discussion despite climbing down by the end of each discussion. He was always very agitated when we started our discussions, but he eventually call him down and seemed to understand. However, later on he started screaming about the money again despite fully explaining everything. I was actually glad he was put into a nursing home and to someways the bold agree I was also glad when a guardian took over since the Guardian knew more about how to handle these kinds of people than I ever will
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This is common. The person who is most familiar in his mind WILL take the insults and the accusations. Don't grow to hate him no matter how long this goes on. BUT, be ready once he passes to be able to REST. You will be exhausted. You are living on Love Power at this time. Not only did my partner pass, but we had a fire. Everything went into storage. 9 months later, I am still trying to get my home rid of clutter (which he loved) and trying to rest. I cannot advise you how to deal with your emotions with your dad and money. But, I can tell you, that you are aging due to caring for him. I did not have a day care for my partner. Then when he passed, I had to deal with his hateful children. I miss him deeply. But, I am still exhausted 9 months later. Please be careful with your health - all you caregivers. This is a gift of Love when you are caring for someone you love. Remember, we too will be there someday. We are teaching our children how to care for an elder.
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