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My sister and I have been caring for our mom, 92, since Dad died in 2018. My family moved in with her a year and a half ago. She has vascular dementia and her decline has increased to the point where it is taking a very heavy toll on my health to care for her. Caregiver burn-out is real. Mom has always wanted to age at home and we have done our best to make that happen but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I even have respite care coming in for twelve hours a week, but it isn’t enough anymore.
I’m going on a two week vacation and my sister and I want to place Mom in a memory care home while I’m gone just to try it out and see how she does. It may end up being permanent. Can you share any success stories, tips, advice on how to broach the topic with her and try to make this transition as smoothly as possible? I’m so worried about upsetting her and stressing her out. Worried about doing the right thing for her.

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My mother is 94+ and living in Assisted Living since 2014 and now in Memory Care since 2019 after her dementia went downhill and she became wheelchair bound. There are pros and cons to managed care, naturally, as there is with everything in life.

In my opinion, there are many more pros than cons. I feel that my mother's life has been prolonged BECAUSE of managed care and the fact that she gets a high quality of care 24/7 by teams of caregivers over there. Meds given out on a strict schedule, a nurse to watch her and monitor symptoms *pneumonia was caught 2x very quickly*, all sorts of things too numerous to mention, really. Also, she gets interaction with other adults over there. I can't say enough about that. At home, who does the elder get to talk with and socialize with aside from the child? Who do they butt heads with and shoot the breeze with? In mom's place, there are 20+ others she can hang out with, complain with, confabulate with, argue with, you name it. They watch movies, eat 3 meals a day, snacks, do puzzles, play beach ball games, do crafts, go sit out in the garden, etc. The mini bus even takes them on outings to the mountains (we live in Colorado) for scenic drives. Mom has a beautiful room (private) which she thinks is a 'hotel' and can keep her door locked so no other resident can wander in. *This is an important thing to look for in a Memory Care AL: That the resident can LOCK HER DOOR so no residents can wander in!*

Mom is at the advanced stage of dementia now, incontinent, and prone to falling (72x so far). The down side of things is that she 'wants to go home' all the time, saying she's going to ride the bus to see 'papa on Long Island (in NY)'. Or she'll call me saying she needs to get to my house, then gets agitated when I tell her she's staying in her 'hotel room' tonight. Truth is, however, she'll be confused and agitated no matter where she's living. It's the broken brain that's the problem; not where she's living.

She complains about the food chronically too. She's pushing 200 lbs so I seriously doubt the food is all that bad. I'm just giving you the cons as well as the pros. She also complains about a couple of the other women being annoying and 'stupid' and 'deaf' (meanwhile, she's about 75% deaf herself). But the interaction with others, both good & bad, gives her something to DO, which I feel is better than nothing to do.

I think AL and MC have been a blessing for my mother and for myself. I would never be able to care for her in her condition and at her level of dementia these days. When her $$$ for private pay runs out in 2022, if she's still alive, I'll apply for Medicaid and have her placed in Skilled Nursing where she went for rehab in 2019; it's a nice place where we had a good experience with rehab. I realize my own limitations and what I can and cannot do with regard to caring for elders at home.

As far as 'upsetting and stressing out' your mother goes, it can be a bit tricky at first with moving her into a Memory Care AL. Just get the room set up with all of her belongings from home to make it comfy. In my experience, the 'right thing' was moving both of my folks into AL as soon as the need arose. Of course there will be complaining and an adjustment period, which is to be expected. But as long as you feel she's getting good care, and you have open communication with the nurses and staff at the facility, you should be good to go.

Good luck!
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mamabair5 May 2021
Thank you for sharing your experience caring for your mother. I appreciate the invite especially about having it be a natural transition when it seemed that was where it was heading.
We have found a place that we think will be a good fit for her and plan to talk with her about it this weekend. I don’t want her to feel ganged up on (I have four other siblings) so we aren’t having a “family meeting” but my two sisters and I plan to sit down with her and show her the center online and try to talk it up. She has a Dr appt next week to get reevaluated and sign the paperwork, and then we want to take her to meet the director and see the home. We believe this will be very upsetting for her no matter how we approach it so we want to show her as much love, empathy and tenderness as we can while still making it clear that it is a necessary transition. I’m nervous about it and praying for wisdom and strength to help her know we aren’t abandoning her and will always try to do our best to give her the highest level of care. She is such a wonderful mother and woman. She deserves it. I hope we’re doing the right thing for her.
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My mother is in MC. The move wasn’t easy, but it was NECESSARY.

Because they are our parents, we want to please them.

But, there comes a point when what people want doesn’t mean we don’t have to do what is necessary.

For us, what was necessary was both my mother’s safety, AND my mental and physical health.

Best wishes to you.
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mamabair5 May 2021
Thank you, you are so right!
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This is the hardest moment in elder caregiving. I went through it with both parents at the same time. In my case it was a medical crisis that enabled me to move them into assisted living. I had all the issues, dementia, no mobility and only living child three states away.

I don’t know what level , if any, of your moms reasoning abilities. For my folks I had to fib a bit. For mom, this is just until you get better, for dad with advancing dementia, mom needs you to stay with her and help her out. It was still the most difficult time of my caregiving experience but there comes a point where it’s not what elders want but what they need to be safe. And as others have said, it’s about your health and sanity also. You can’t let yourself go down with the ship.

A couple years earlier I was able to get mom to visit a nice assisted living near her home. She grimly went through a short tour and demanded I get her out of there. She’s just fine. She went into diabetic shock as we were leaving. Nurses came out and helped us survive that.

So about a year later after a horrible fall, 3 days in the hospital, I didn’t ask or discuss moving with either parent. I had mom taken to assisted living and moved dad in a few days later.

Mom died a year later, dad was moved to memory care and he died last year. I’d moved him to a nursing home near me and was able to spend lots of time with him before covid hit. I’m currently on my way home from burying his ashes next to mom in WV.

Looking back, getting them in care was the hardest thing but also the best thing I ever did for them. They were cared for, well fed, took their meds, bathed regularly and made comfortable towards the end of their lives.

I wish you the best of luck.
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mamabair5 May 2021
I’m so sorry for what you have been through with your parents. So many others have to wait for a tragic fall or hospitalization before they can get their parents in a safer place like you did too. I hope that doesn’t happen with my mom. My sister is POA so she can sign all her admission and Dr forms.
I’m rethinking talking to her this weekend. It’s still quite a long time before our vacation and she will either forget, or get so stressed about it that it will be multiple questions everyday leading up to the day we take her. I sure don’t want to upset her like that nor do I want to deal with it. Taking care of her is already at my highest stress threshold. My question is when do I tell her? She can still understand quite a bit and I don’t want to just spring it on her either. Ugh, this is so hard! The lady at the assisted living center told me to just tell her she’s going on a vacation too and pack her like it’s a trip and talk it up. She also suggested I not tell her until she gets there. That just seems so cruel and I feel like she’ll know and not trust me again. You had to tell some white lies, and so have others but I’m having a hard time with that I guess.
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What a wonderful question! I hope many posters will respond to this inquiry because many people who come to this forum seeking help with a similar situation can benefit from the responses.

My mom is deceased and I went through 15 years of caregiving in my home so I understand how exhausted you are.
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mamabair5 May 2021
Thank you for understanding and for the support. I hope more people give their input because I’m sure there are a lot of good ideas floating around that will help us.
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I agree with others that this question needs more input from those caregivers who have gone through putting a parent in memory care or nursing home. I am grappling with putting my kind, gentle Mom in memory care because it is stressing my marriage and we are so tired because she wanders throughout the night. Though my husband and I are both retired, we can’t go anywhere or do much of anything together because Mom always needs someone around. We do have a caregiver coming in once a week and wish it could be more. I feel so selfish and cry at-the-drop-of-a-hat even thinking of putting my Mom in MC. She always said she never wanted to live with any of her married children.
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mamabair5 May 2021
I am right there with you. My mom is so fragile. I was looking at her last night after doing our bedtime routine and she seemed just like a sweet little innocent baby. I call her my angel mother and she always has been. My heart is torn because I love her so much and know that no one at the center will love her like her children does. Will they “see her” or just another old person they need to give meds to and help change? Yet, it is so true that I matter too. I have two children here with us as well. My youngest is graduating high school this year and they will both need a lot of my time and attention getting them settled in their future activities. I want to be a part of that. I need to pay more attention to my health, it has been placed on the back burner. I can see a change is needed for all of us and it’s better now than when things get even worse yet it’s a constant struggle in my heart. I‘ve been crying so much too that I wonder if I’m loosing my mind. Menopause doesn’t help either, ha,ha!
Good luck on your journey, it certainly isn’t easy.
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