Looking for suggestions, guidance, ideas, warm fuzzies lol.
Both parents are 95 and are aging in-place in their long-time home. Mother has mild/moderate dementia but is physically in a pretty good place for her age. Father is cognitively very sharp but has physical issues typical of age (had heart attacks years ago and moves slowly/shuffling, etc). He still drives during daylight in nice weather.
As early as 20 years ago, we worked hard to encourage/support downsizing or moving to retirement community. At that point, we anticipated needing her to have a place for her to continue living if we lost him. To say we were met with resistance is a monumental understatement. Eventually, we honored their wish to age-in place but of course stressed the need for modify house or bring help in when the time arose. Since the onset of her Alzheimer’s, he has been her primary caretaker, but family members spend time with them (I travel 6 hours to spend a week with them each month, for example). He vows he will never “let her go to memory care”.
He is so resistant to bringing help in. We have tried using different approaches: we want to give you some downtime; we want her to be used to having other people in the house in case you go first (one of his concerns), just have someone a couple of hours a day/couple hours a week (with the idea that he can see how helpful this is to him
He is a proud, bright and logical man except in this case. I understand not wanting a stranger in your home, but at some point (which is here), providing extra support is important. I would love not to wait until there is a fall to make this happen (I understand that precipitates the need for some).
I’d love to hear how you introduced outside help to your cognitively adept (proud but stubborn) family members. He still does his own finances and support would be covered by insurance/savings.
My way of dealing with it was the only way I COULD deal with it, and that was by living a full length of a long state AWAY from the person needing help. Living close enough, and having other family willing enough to take on in-home care does tend to enable stubborn elders who are unable to acknowledge help is needed. Basically you have taken any necessity for Dad to recognize he needs help off the table by BEING the help Dad has to have.
Given the age of your parents, and the health conditions, this is going to come to crisis at some point with the emergency call like I got regarding my brother. And at that point the family will have to get together to make decisions.
For now you have tried and been unable to make a difference. If you choose NOT to withdraw your help (and I can imagine you feel you cannot) then this will go on until crisis comes.
I would say that, crucial to this moment in time is that all paperwork for POA is ready to go for when decisions may need to be made.
None of this is funny for certain, but recently my 61 year old daughter said to me "Do you have plans". My response was getting the giggles and saying "Yup. Feet first out the door". At 80 and 82 my partner and I are well enough to manage on my own and indeed still HELP out our kids. But we know that time is coming, and we are both SWORN not to put a burden on their lives. Due to circumstances, some of our kids have had conditions that make them less able than we are, and we can still help THEM. But when that's not the case we won't be having them care for us.
There are human tendencies for us all to so strongly love our home and our independence. What your family is experiencing is so common. And until the time you will/must choose to say that YOU cannot go on in this care, this will likely continue until crisis.
I sure wish you the best.
It seems like you have tried everything possible and dad is not going for any of it.
I am sorry that you are in this situation and I will keep you in my thoughts.
Please keep in touch and vent as much as you like. We have all been through our own caregiving challenges. Speaking with others does help get us through this.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
QUITE LITERALLY a few hours /month and maybe $500...
She simply will not.
She'd rather have her feigned independence and the 500...
They WANT the show of utter independence, but that often comes at the cost of standing on the shoulders of MANY people, usually family, and in the process, wear them out-break them down.
MY MIL fires every.single.caregiver who comes to her home. She only 'trusts' her kids and has now got them taking 98% of the care of her--taking 24/7 shifts--she thinks she 'living independently' but if she went one day without one of them sitting by her side, she wouldn't be able to do anything but sit and breathe.
She will allow the Hospice Nurse only b/c she is only there for 20 minutes twice a week and if she fires HER, then she is firing Hospice.
She should have moved from the rehab facility she was in 2 months ago straight to a NH, but my SIL wouldn't make her mom upset.
Instead, she's slowly ruining the lives of her kids and their spouses.
All so she can state she is 'independent'.
Nothing will change until the kids are totally burned out.
I wish you the best as your navigate these choppy waters. You may never get your LO to accept outside care, or a move to a better living situation.
Sometimes, it is more about your Dad losing his purpose in life if everything starts to be done for him.
Also FYI, many an elder has fallen in their own homes with a family caregiver standing right next to them (been there, done that). I wish you succcess in getting the appropriate help in place.
This desire for my father to be seen as my mother's caregiver and not accept help resulted in him dying and my mother in a SNH. My father didn't care for himself and died from something he knew about and was treatable.
My experience is that there is no way to force someone to get help. You can walk away, but they still will likely refuse. Having a disaster is often the only way as they will continue to rely on you and your siblings and if you continue to provide care, they will never seek outside help.
Sadly, here’s yet another case of parents who make a decision based on emotion rather than reality. He’ll never let her go to memory care so that places the burden on you as well as him. What a neat manipulation maneuver!
How about if all of us who are married declared right now that we are never going to cook another meal for our husbands so that we can live up to our promises to ourselves that we’d never become another person’s slave? Hey, why not? It makes as much sense as declaring any other ridiculous notion that would then place a burden on others. I won’t cook, husband won’t cook, so hey kids, give up your happiness and activities and take turns coming to live with us for a week at a time so you can cook. Shop too. We only eat organic. We’re hungry - waaaagh!
Old people shouldn’t take it for granted that their kids will support stupid promises they made a hundred years ago.
The really good thing was that it was then easy for him to agree to go into assisted living. I never expected that. He was totally against that only months earlier, so was I.
Right now my father has a team caring, competent and fun-loving people looking after him 24/7. All his needs are met. He will never forget to take his medication. He will never have to make his bed. He doesn't have to mow the lawn. He has all kinds of stimulating activities where he is, he's made new friends and every day he is living a life. He's not playing 18 holes of golf everyday and then "going out on the town" or anything like that these days. obviously, but his life is not dull! It was for the most part when he lived all by himself.
As I said before in this forum, as emotionally sick as I was for my father going into assisted living I would be far more sick now if he decided to leave!
Overall, however, I disagree that it is "really important" to anyone but those of us who get triggered by it.
We all know what people mean. I just think it isn't nice to correct other people's grammar unless we are teaching a class in English that they have wanted to attend.
I hate to see us get all hung up on one another's grammar when we all "get these issues". Lisa used to come here only to discuss her own issues, and now she is here helping others to understand what might help them. And she's NEVER been one to intentionally be "impolite". I personally just love that.
They refused home care for the longest time but grudgingly agreed after my mother fell last year. I had bitter arguments with my mother about it for weeks before she agreed. My father is now in a nursing home but my mother is still in the house with only 8 hrs of care a day. No where near enough . She can’t afford more and neither or my sisters nor I want to move in full time or take her in because she can be very nasty and mean and we cannot handle being with her full time. It’s not good. We are planning to apply for Medicaid so she can be in the same facility as my father.
Figuring all the moving parts of getting decent caregivers and everything else that has to be done so my mother can live ‘independently’ has been challenging and stressful. . This last year has been the most awful year I have endured.
It’s going to get bad for you. I will tell you that. You will be living from one crisis to the next. If I were you I would Insist that they go into assisted living. They are too old to be home any longer. They don’t have a plan because they are in denial . They don’t want to see what is coming. But it will be coming. They are declining.
It's, my brother and I.
"One shouldn't speak, write like that. It's just very wrong, impolite."
It's colloquial communication; like a lot of people speak. It's also the title of a popular song. They probably sold millions of records. Do you think they would have sold more if they called it "My brother and I"? Do you think their fans cared at all? You probably know but others may not: "colloquial" means "not formal".
In three of the cases, my cousins (their kids) told them, it is one or the other: You move to assisted living or you get outside help. If you want to stay here, we will try to accommodate that but only if you get outside help to HELP US.
Living at home with no outside help is not an option.
People are proud, and that is not bad, but they think they are getting by independently but they never could get by without the help of their kids.
Make a list of these tasks.
Who does these tasks the other 3 weeks of the month?
I get seeing all the tasks that could be outsourced. You sound very practical & you can see the BIG picture. Dad, however, maybe up close in the small daily details.
Can't see the wood for the trees.
Show Dad the list, with names next to tasks. It can be a conversation starter. As more & more tasks get added, more helpers need to go on the list. Rather than more tasks assigned to family, NON-family people can be added into the team.
I wouldn't stress the "what ifs." The truth is - you love them & you want them to stay in their home for as long as they can, but their care requires more than what you & your brother can provide. Some of it requires training, which none of you have. Do they have *any* outside help - Meals on Wheels or housecleaning, for example?
Call a conference with their doctor. He's an authority. You're not. Your father may not like the outcome to that conversation, but it's necessary for their safety.
BTW - my mother also was in denial. She objected to being in a nursing home long term & convinced my brother to airlift her 700 miles away to be with him - far from any services. She said she was disowning me. She would leave on her own accord. The social worker stepped in and prevented all that. It wasn't easy, but my mother came around.
Good luck!
So another angle could be to discuss what they need, now & when needs increase. Ask Mom & Dad THEIR choice, from
#1. Have a caregiver come into their home now & then, or
#2. Move to a room in a place with staff.
They probable don't want either.
Want to stay "independant', living in their home, just the way they are, until they die peacefully in the night - together. Bless 'em 💞.
My stance would be "Yes I hope so too M & D.. it's possible.. but in case you don't.. which of #1 or #2 is more ACCEPTABLE to you?"
I was told you need At Least SIX sit down serious chats befofe this stuff sinks in. Well I am WAY past that (such denial: "that won't happen!" Zero ability to look ahead). So I gave up & just chose a facility. Told them I will send them there if & when necessary. My stress is now much reduced.
This is what I learned (after mentally banging head against the wall over this stuff);
- We all age. Fact. (Unless die too young)
- We all have skills that decline.
- Accepting help into our home HELPS us to STAY in our home longer
- it takes BRAVERY to try something new or change our ways
- Stubborn people LOSE their independance too.
- Fearfulness can appear as stubborness
Basically folks, choose your care-aides or care-home OR SOMEONE ELSE WILL.
Very best of luck!
ETA:
Most folks think that facility care is too costly. We were fortunate to have a SIL who has an MBA. She ran the comps--mom staying in her home with adequate help vs a really nice congregate living facility. It was a win win.
In another post, you state you have two siblings. Where are they in the picture? Which of you has POA/HCPOA?
He actually is more lucid than he was at home, probably because there is more social interaction here than at home with my mother who is not coping well with her own decline. She just yelled at him all day and found fault with everything he did at the end. Way better for him to be in this facility.
I would propose Visiting Angels to get help and practice being appreciative and accepting of the "help" I hesitate to ask for: companionship is a healthy way to introduce a stranger. If desired, the companion can set up meal planning and maybe dine with your parent(s). Other areas of interest will give them other ways to connect. I am practicing and planning for my more dependent future...................it is extremely challenging as I am quite an independent.
For years I tried to get them to move, get in home help, anything to ensure safety. There was a mice infestation on top of all this. I tried to get the state involved but they had no hoarding task force and I settled on a social worker who could only enforce a three foot path in the home.
I told my parents that something was going to happen to force them to make a choice in living arrangements and they would not have a lot of options if it were last minute. That is exactly what happened. Four years ago dad collapsed and mom fell. Dad ended up in ICU. They had LTCI and I got a nurse to stay with Mom while Dad was in rehab.
ALF opened right outside my neighborhood during that time and I moved them here two months later. Dad has passed and Mom is bedridden but her mind is sharp. It is still a lot of work but they actually loved the facility and they saw/see me more than they did before. I am with Mom most days of the week and handle all her affairs.
They didn’t realize how much of a relief it would be for them until after the fact. Sometimes we have to let the other shoe drop before they realize the time has come.
hang in there