My father with dementia is becoming a nightmare to live with and care for. I guess I’m preaching to the choir to say that I do more for him than I do for myself, and I’ve limited my own life to try to make him happy and more comfortable. My reasoning is based on the fact that my parents went out of their way to make me happy and successful as a youth and I wanted to repay their generosity.
My dad is currently in an ordering around phase. An example: “I’m hot”, so I turn on the A/C. 2 minutes later, “Who’s in control of that thing, I’m f*%#*ng cold!!!!”, so I get up and turn it off. 3 minutes later, “ I’m f*%#%ng hot”, and the circle continues all day. I let him know what I’m doing every time I go to change the settings.He doesn’t get up once to change them himself. I wonder if he knows he’s working me or if he really feels helpless or if he’s getting off on bossing me around.
I don’t say a word in situations like this. I don’t argue because I know it’s a losing proposition every time I do. I used to argue with him or try to reason in it got me nowhere but angry and frustrated and on his bad side for a couple days, which was not worth the argument or standing up for myself. I found that it’s easier to just give in and just not argue. But when I don’t stand up for myself, my self– esteem suffers. My self– respect suffers. I just feel like I’m being ground down to a nub.
Today he intentionally said something very personally hurtful to me. He said it was one of those things you think about which you never bring up in the open. And he said it with a smile. It was like he completely lost it, like he was taken over by an alien. Then two minutes later, he raises his hand out to me to have me help him walk over to the other side of the room, completely depending on me, the person who he spewed venom at and apparently has no respect for. It was mind blowing how disconnected he must’ve been.
I guess my question is, how do you swallow your pride over and over again and take bad treatment with a smile, and seemingly let it roll off your back for more of the same tomorrow. I’m dreading tomorrow morning because means it’s another day of having to spend it with him and his antics. Thanks.
PS - he lost his driver’s license a few months ago, which seems to have changed everything in his life. Although he’s not mentioned it much, I think it hit him really hard. I think he might be jealous that I still have one. He’s become very me me me and my my my.
You DO NOT cater to them or humor them. You make them wait for things. I don't mean make them wait all day for food or their medication. No. I mean if you are the only person who shows up to do for them, they live on YOUR schedule. Not the other way around.
You NEVER take the bad treatment with a smile. Never. When he's acting up, totally ignore him. If he's really going at you, give it right back. Tell him to shut the hell up because no one cares what he thinks. Then walk away and pay him no attention whatsoever. Let him bark demands and orders until he wears himself out.
Some years ago I worked in a nice AL facility as a staff supervisor. Every time I walked by a certain resident who supposedly had dementia, she would always say snidely, 'There goes that fat b*tch'. I let this go on for some time and ignored it. One day I just stopped in my tracks, got her backed up against the wall (I did not put my hands on her), got about an inch from her face, staring her right in the eyes and said, "What did you say to me?" Of course, she wouldn't repeat it but instead got very flustered and pretended she had no clue what I was saying. Then rather loudly I said in her face mind you, "That's what I thought". She never said a word to me ever again and I worked there for about another two years or so. DO NOT tolerate your father behaving verbally abusive to you.
Start looking into memory care facilities to put him in. No one has to tolerate or live with abuse even when the abuser has dementia. Dementia is an explanation from bad and abusive behavior. It does not excuse it or make it acceptable. For your own sake, put him in memory care.
Now, with moderate dementia, it feels as if she’s slipped back into old patterns of emotional abuse. She becomes furious when I advocate for her at doctor’s appointments, especially when she can’t remember what’s being discussed. If I have to tell her “no” to something, it feels to her like the end of the world. Too often, I’ve been her emotional whipping post.
I reached a breaking point when my brother responded to me the same way as I tried to talk with him about Mom’s care. In that conversation, he told me he was handling her well-being and not question him. So, despite living just five blocks away from Mom, I stepped back. I stopped trying to do it all for her and chose instead to focus on protecting my own well-being.
This journey is incredibly hard, and no two experiences are alike. My hope for you is that, in your own way, you find moments of peace along this longest journey.
You did the right thing. This is what I had to do as well with my mother. I will not tolerate any abusive behavior from anyone. I put up with that for too long. I don't care if someone has dementia or mental illness or anything else. No one has to tolerate abuse or live with it. Dementia or mental illness can be an explanation for abusive behavior but it does not excuse it.
You did right stepping back.
Stop visiting him then. Or cut down your visits to once or twice a month and don't take him anywhere.
If he can't be distracted and can't enjoy anything with you because all he can do it mock you or put you down, stop visiting him. Let the administration staff of the facility keep you updated on him. Why put yourself through it?
God Bless you.
Can you change your father? NO
Can you change? YES
But you ask how? Any thoughts?
I was waiting for any response to my question about any ideas how a person can change in a difficult situation like you are in.
I assume most of us has heard about BOUNDARIES. I didn't understand it well at first, thinking it was putting a boundary on someone else but it is really about me setting up my own boundaries. What can you do when your Dad talks to you in a rude and disrespectful way?
Would this be a possible scenario? "Dad when you talk to be like that I feel hurt and disrespected. If you continue talking that way I'm leaving the room."
Or just simply say, "I don't like how you are talking to me." Then leave the room.
Please take care of yourself and teach your Dad how you want to be to treated. You are important part of his life but it does not need to be abusive.
Suspicion and Delusion
A person with dementia may suspect or accuse others of theft, infidelity, or other impropriety. This can make for some awkward situations at family gatherings, where the patient may openly accuse someone in front of others. Unfounded suspicion, and more broadly delusion, can take many forms, including believing that someone is following or spying on them, that family members betray or steal from them, that the words and actions of public figures are directed at them personally, or that the events depicted in books, poems, newspapers, and movies are about them. While such beliefs have no basis in reality, the patient nevertheless believes them to be true. Delusional thinking usually occurs early in the course of dementia progression and may persist for a long time.
Help Others Respond Appropriately
· Make sure everyone understands that the patient’s behavior is not malicious and that it is dementia that is at the root of it.
· Give the accused party a heads-up so they are not taken by surprise in the event that the patient openly accuses them in the presence of others.
· Do not take accusations at face value, and do not take offense, respond defensively, or try to fight the accusations.
· Deal with the patient with understanding and compassion. Stay cordial. Be more of a listener than a speaker. Keep in mind that these beliefs are quite real to the patient.
· If the patient has gifted an item and now believes the item has been stolen, ask the recipient not to wear the item in front of the patient, or better yet, return the item.
Dealing With Delusion
· Do not try to convince the patient that they are mistaken. Remember that their judgment is impaired and they are not able to follow your reasoning. Trying to convince them may even lead to aggression.
· Try instead to find the reasons behind the suspicion and, if possible, eliminate them.
· If the patient believes something has been stolen, help them find the missing item or replace it with a new one. If they have gifted an item, ask the recipient to return the item.
· Be mindful of your demeanor. Speak in a calm and reassuring tone. Stay relaxed and help the patient calm down.
· Do not endorse suspicions and do not try to refute them. Instead, try to distract the patient with something else.
· Use relaxing and easy activities, like a walk outside, to divert the patient’s attention to something else.
Stop plugging your book. This is not a promotional website to boost your book sales. Tell your literary agent (if you have one) to arrange a book tour and signing if you need to boost sales.
Also, with all due respect to you the advice from your book is no different than any other fluff and crap every other "expert" on dysfunctional senior dementia behavior hasn't been pushing for the last 60 years. If it worked, there would be no need for support groups and forums like this would there?
Unless you know what it's like to be bullied, berated, belittled, lied about, accused of horrific crimes like you're the very devil, disrespected, and treated like you're less than garbage while at the same time having to live as a slave to someone's every need on a daily basis - you really should not be giving advice.
There are reasons why elder abuse happens and so many times both the elder and the caregiver are victims. That reason is because a person can't live in abuse without becoming abusive themselves. Sometimes they abuse themselves with alcohol, drugs, food, smoking, physically hurting themselves, or engaging in dangerous and risky behaviors.
I have lived with an abusive senior. I have been a caregiver to abusive elders with dementia and have seen what they can do to a family member when everyone is living in one house and even when they aren't living together.
You sound very much like Teepa Snow, Samad. Like Teepa Snow, your advice sounds good and works in theory but not in practice. It may be useful if the senior with dementia had a staff of round-the-clock caregivers. It will not work when there's one caregiver and maybe a homecare aide coming in. No one has unlimited patience.
It's obvious you have never actually been a caregiver living with an abusive, demented elder. Neither has Teepa Snow. If either of you have, you's be giving very different advice.
Also, I would not say this if I have not seen and heard it many times with my own ears. People with dementia controlling their abusive behavior around certain people and in certain situations. This is often referred to as 'Showtiming'. If a person still possesses this level of control, there should be some type of consequence for their abusive behavior. Like being ignored, or appropriately told off, or a bit of shaming.