My father with dementia is becoming a nightmare to live with and care for. I guess I’m preaching to the choir to say that I do more for him than I do for myself, and I’ve limited my own life to try to make him happy and more comfortable. My reasoning is based on the fact that my parents went out of their way to make me happy and successful as a youth and I wanted to repay their generosity.
My dad is currently in an ordering around phase. An example: “I’m hot”, so I turn on the A/C. 2 minutes later, “Who’s in control of that thing, I’m f*%#*ng cold!!!!”, so I get up and turn it off. 3 minutes later, “ I’m f*%#%ng hot”, and the circle continues all day. I let him know what I’m doing every time I go to change the settings.He doesn’t get up once to change them himself. I wonder if he knows he’s working me or if he really feels helpless or if he’s getting off on bossing me around.
I don’t say a word in situations like this. I don’t argue because I know it’s a losing proposition every time I do. I used to argue with him or try to reason in it got me nowhere but angry and frustrated and on his bad side for a couple days, which was not worth the argument or standing up for myself. I found that it’s easier to just give in and just not argue. But when I don’t stand up for myself, my self– esteem suffers. My self– respect suffers. I just feel like I’m being ground down to a nub.
Today he intentionally said something very personally hurtful to me. He said it was one of those things you think about which you never bring up in the open. And he said it with a smile. It was like he completely lost it, like he was taken over by an alien. Then two minutes later, he raises his hand out to me to have me help him walk over to the other side of the room, completely depending on me, the person who he spewed venom at and apparently has no respect for. It was mind blowing how disconnected he must’ve been.
I guess my question is, how do you swallow your pride over and over again and take bad treatment with a smile, and seemingly let it roll off your back for more of the same tomorrow. I’m dreading tomorrow morning because means it’s another day of having to spend it with him and his antics. Thanks.
PS - he lost his driver’s license a few months ago, which seems to have changed everything in his life. Although he’s not mentioned it much, I think it hit him really hard. I think he might be jealous that I still have one. He’s become very me me me and my my my.
Stop swallowing your pride and start thinking of yourself first. You cannot make him happy no matter what you do as his brain is broken. He no longer has our rational thoughts processes and most likely doesn't even remember being absolutely horrible to you.
He needs an assessment as to whether he can continue to live alone whether you need external support to enable this or if he now needs AL. There is no shame in you no longer being able to cope, there was a comment on here a a while back from a doctor to his patient "it's either you or them". If trying to cope breaks you, then your father's attitude will most likely be "oh dear,what a shame, never mind, now who is going to be my slave".
Mentally, continuing this cycle will destroy you first. Seek whatever advice you can find which is recommended here. I wish you good luck.
I fulfilled my obligations. I continued to do the tasks that had to be done but had no desire to speak to her.
Get some outside support in to help.
I would try. My friends would tell me to ignore it, she doesn't mean it, she can't help it. It's the dementia. I would keep trying. I would send care packages. I would call her. She has caller ID. She would pick up the phone and hang it up. When I would speak to her, she would be so unpleasant and just mean. My cousin who lives 30 minutes from her would tell me she had been receiving my packages and asked me was aunt acknowledging me. I told her, no. I wasn't sure if she was receiving them.
My sister woke me up and told me to leave her alone. Just ✋️ stop. Period. Walk away and stop.
Some people are just mean and there is no pleasing them. I haven't spoken to her in a year. I'm human and not a punching bag.
We teach people how to treat us, and you're teaching your father that he can treat you like a dog in most instances. So only you can change this dysfunctional situation that you're in with him, by standing your ground and not tolerating his verbal abuse.
When he gets angry and says hurtful things, you must learn to walk away and tell him that you will return when he can speak more respectfully to you.
And if that doesn't work then you must tell him that you will no longer be his caregiver and that he will have to hire in-home help with his own money, as caregiving only works when it works for all parties involved, and right now it sure doesn't sound like it's working for you.
So time to start speaking up for yourself and quit taking your fathers abuse.
Sadly, I don’t think this reasoning holds up when dealing with the more extreme caregiving situations. Your father’s brain is broken and it is causing him to behave cruelly to you, his loving son. Of course it hurts terribly to have to try to swallow this behavior.
I think you should do your best to make sure your father is safe and cared for. That doesn’t have to mean you doing hands-on 24/7 caregiving, enduring possibly years more of this misery.
Are there funds for caregivers to come in, or for him to go into care?
Yes! 👏
You can not make him or anyone else "happy". Just like no one can "make" you happy.
You can try to make things that someone likes, or make sure they are comfortable, make sure that they are not in pain, clean, dry, fed. Does that make someone "happy"? Maybe, maybe not.
In the instance you give about the temp of the room.
Keep the room at a set temp, one that is comfortable.
If he says he is cold, add a lap blanket, a sweater, a hat, gloves, whatever it might take.
If he says he is hot, remove a blanket, remove a sweater.
Do not mention that you are adjusting the thermostat. That gives him one more thing to focus on that has "changed"
If he is doing something or saying something that is upsetting you can tell him to stop. (he may not realize what he is saying is upsetting, or maybe he does) Redirect the conversation. If that does not work LEAVE the room.
Earbuds, noise cancelling headphones are also good options. (be careful with the noise canceling headphones you still need to be cognizant of what is going on.)
Now...a subject that you might not want to entertain.
To care for someone does not mean that YOU personally have to care for someone 24/7.
If there is an Adult Day program in your area it might be time to get dad involved with that. Typically they will pick up in the morning. the Program will provide a breakfast, lunch, snack and activities, sometimes outings.
If there are no Adult programs in your area hiring a caregiver to come in and help out a few days a week is an unbelievable break for both of you.
And the final...Looking for a Memory Care facility that can care for him and allow you to return to being a son that loves and wants to honor dad rather than a 24/7 caregiver.
If dad is a Veteran the Day program, a caregiver may be covered by the VA.
Medicare has a "new" program called GUIDE and it does provide a lot of help for caregivers, families of people with dementia including covering some of the cost of respite care.
(if dad is a Veteran check with your local Veterans Assistance Commission, the VA or your States Department of Veterans Affairs to help determine what type of services he might qualify for. )
Secondly, if your own mental health is fragile enough to suffer to the extent you lose self-esteem due to the mental meanderings of someone in the throes of dementia it is time to explore this with a good cognitive therapist. None of that silly online therapy in which the therapist isn't paid much and is deserving of less.
Finally your loving decision needs to be explored. Caring for someone such as your dad, who now needs the care of a TEAM of caregivers working several shifts isn't always sustainable. You have a duty and obligation to live your own one-and-only life. It is what your parents would have wanted for you when they had capacity.
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1. In many cases it is not true that a person suffering from dementia has no control over his/her own actions. My mother is in memory care, and I am the daughter who oversees her care and manages everything for her. She definitely can and does control her behavior, words, tone, and actions, according to whom she is with at any given time. I regularly see her change on a dime when specific people enter or leave the room (including me). She chooses those words and behaviors. They are still very much in her control, even though she is in stage 5 of her dementia journey.
2. Therapy has been a godsend for me as a caregiver. There are fantastic online therapists, just like there are fantastic therapists you can meet with in person. Please don’t assume that online therapy is bad therapy. Most of the online therapists have in-person practices, too. Resources like BetterHelp.com are excellent, and if you don’t mesh with the first therapist you talk to, you can request a different one with the click of a button.
3. I wholeheartedly agree that a team of caregivers is needed when things get to the stage that OP’s father has reached. My mom regularly ripped me to shreds, like his father is doing. It is necessary to protect oneself and seek placement for the loved one when your mental health is on the line. It really does not matter WHY the abusive communication is happening (i.e. is Dad doing it on purpose or not?). The fact THAT it is happening is all that matters, and no one should stay in an abusive situation.
Start looking at any and all possibilities, with the goal of not being his caregiver anymore. The Veterans Administration, if he's a vet. Selling his home, if he has one, and using the proceeds to pay for memory care in a facility. Using his other savings, if any, to pay for his care elsewhere. A group home where he'll be with professional caregivers and make friends that aren't you. I'm not recommending caregivers to come to your home; that's a whole 'nother responsibility that you'll wish you'd never started because managing it is like a 24/7 job, and you'd still have dad doing the things he does to you.
We are not required to care for relatives who are as sick as your dad - not when they're destroying our own mental health! You're a caged bird until you set yourself free. Get out of that cage any way you can, and I wish you luck.
You owe dad nothing but a smile and checking in on his welfare sometimes. We don't have children so they can jump to our every command in old age. Rid yourself of that notion and stop accepting abuse.
Best of luck to you.
Yes and no. Yes, they may be saying what hurts in order to hurt, which says they have agency.
However, the part of our brain that controls such urges and polices our actions invariably becomes damaged in people with dementia. That's why they lose control and display such mean behaviour.
This is also why some people seem stronger when they have dementia or other condition that affects their brain - that area also puts a check on how much force we use if we lose it and lash out.
No, you do not have to take mental abuse from a parent even if they are ill. This may come as a shock, but parents are responsible for providing for their children they bring into the world. Offspring do not owe parents because of this.
Don't set yourself up to become a sacrificial lamb to someone's illness and mistreatment. You deserve your freedom and some happiness in life. Dad has had his time, and now he is ill.
The best way to help dad at this point is by finding him a reputable source of help either in a care facility or home health if he is not willing to go into a home yet. However, it is not about what he wants, it's about how much more care you can provide and how much longer you are willing to sacrifice of your own health and sanity. He pays for his own care even if it means selling off assets to provide for his care.
Children are not old age insurance for parents.
It may help to remind yourself (over and over if needed) that the rudeness and venom you’re seeing is not the father you grew up with — it’s the disease talking. Dementia often strips away filters, impulse control, and empathy, and unfortunately, the caregiver becomes the safe target for all that anger and confusion. He lashes out because he can, not because you deserve it. That doesn’t make it hurt less, but it helps to see it for what it is: illness, not truth.
Practically, you can protect your self-respect in small but powerful ways. Some caregivers find it helps to step away for a breather when the cycle starts instead of rushing to fix things every single time — even just saying, ‘I’ll adjust it in a few minutes,’ can give you space and remind you that you have agency too. If possible, set boundaries where you can: maybe a cooling fan he can control himself, or a blanket within reach so he has some power back. And don’t underestimate the power of respite, even short breaks — your sanity matters as much as his comfort.
And please know: you’re not weak or failing when you feel ground down. You’re carrying an impossible load with grace, even if you can’t always see it. Your self-respect doesn’t come from how he treats you now, but from the courage it takes to keep showing up in love despite the cruelty of this disease. You deserve support, breaks, and compassion every bit as much as he does
Parenting is meant to be paid forward, not backward. Your parents provided for you, and you in turn do the same for your children, if you have any. Parents are responsible for planning for their own old age. If your dad failed to do so, that's on him, not you. He is not entitled to manipulate and verbally abuse you.
Are you living in your father's home? If so, make plans to move out. Do you have a job or income of your own? If not, start applying. If your father lives in your home. make plans to move him out. I know this is easier said than done, but you can read other discussions here about how to accomplish that.
In the meantime, stop enabling his abuse. Set the AC at a comfortable temperature, and give him a blanket. If he gets cold, he can cover himself. If he gets hot, he can uncover himself. If he drops or throws the blanket, he can stand up and pick it up. Or he can walk to the thermostat and change it. Meanwhile you stay out of the room and work on whatever you need to do to achieve living separately from him.
I wish you well. You deserve a normal full adult life, not one limited by an abusive parent. Let us know how things go.
BurntCaregiver has described over her years here how she has told clients to “shut the hell up” and even slapped them back. She also warned them that continued behavior would get them put in a home. For the first time, I’m seeing her perspective in terms of enforcing behavior that your dad needs to meet to stay where he is. It’s either that or dad goes to a facility where no one cares what he thinks and if it’s a snf they will get him on Haldol like one flew over the cuokos nest. If there’s any hope of correcting his behavior for a longer period, it starts with you stating to him that he needs to stop being a brat now or go to The Home.
Have a look at your own behavior now and whether that is also about “feeling good” about yourself. Are you earning compliments on your own behavior – from yourself or other people?. Your parents got their own pay-off already. You don’t need to suffer now. It spoils the whole deal.
Have a look at your own behavior now and whether that is also about “feeling good” about yourself. Are you earning compliments on your own behavior – from yourself or other people?. Your parents got their own pay-off already. You don’t need to suffer now. It spoils the whole deal.
Even so, when the parent becomes abusive, you can’t have an obligation to put up with that. Set a firm limit that you won’t put up with abuse, and stick with it. Punish him by removing yourself from his immediate presence, or just flat out tell him that someone else will have to care for him. Investigate care facilities, or in-home care services. Take breaks, or just end the care relationship. You have an obligation to yourself.
The simple answer: You don't. You stop swallowing your pride. You take back control over how you choose to react/respond to unacceptable behavior in others. It doesn't matter that the "other" has dementia. It doesn't matter that the "other" is or is not able to control their behavior. You can no more control a dementia patient than fly to the moon. THEY sometimes can't control themselves. How will you?
So... since we cannot control others (even without dementia), and the only person we can control is ourselves... that's where we must begin.
I understand what you're going through, and I speak from experience.
When I decided I was going to be my mom's caregiver and moved in with her (still working full-time, remotely), I also decided I wasn't going to be a martyr to the cause. We had been in one of our "nice, getting-along" phases prior to my taking an increasingly hands-on role with her. I knew what I was getting myself into, in terms of her possibly switching to "mean Mom" at any moment. I also knew that if she were mean on a continual basis, and it became more than I wanted to deal with, I would say, "I hope you can find someone to put up with your behavior. It is no longer going to be me. Have a nice life." And I would have moved out.
Once I was living with her, when she would act out (which is probably inevitable for a dementia patient anyway), I would look at her and very calmly say, "What you said was mean, and I don't deserve it. I'm going to leave now." And I would leave her bedroom (which was where she basically lived the last few years of her life, and where we mostly interacted). She would usually fling some additional cutting remark at my back as I just closed her door and went to my room, or for a walk, or did whatever I wanted to do -- away from her.
She was still somewhat mobile with a walker during the worst of it. She could no longer fix her own meals, so when it was time, I would fix her meal, take it into her and set it up so that she could eat it, get the TV set up for her (she could no longer figure out how to work it) and I would then walk back out of the room. We watched TV together while she ate her meals, which made her happy. She would invariably say, "Aren't you going to stay and watch TV with me?" If I didn't sense a change in her demeanor, I would say, "No, you've been mean to me today without a good reason, and I don't want to be in the room with you. I'm going to have dinner in my room tonight." And I would again leave her to herself. She was also napping a lot by then.
Eventually, maybe a day later, she would apologize for her behavior. The first time she did that, I was absolutely stunned. I was in my sixties by then, and I hadn't thought I would EVER hear her apologize for her unacceptable behavior if I lived to be a thousand! It wasn't her way.
It's not necessarily likely that you will get the same response. Every dementia patient is unique, although with a lot of similarities. Caregiving for a dementia patient is hard. Full stop.
What you WILL get is a greater sense of control over the situation and be master of your own actions/reactions. And that's priceless.
Also: Before it gets too hard to care for your dad on your own (maybe now?), start looking into facilities where he could live, so you know what is available. And even without that, look into hiring some part-time caregivers to come in to help. Toward the end, I was looking at putting my mom into memory-care, but it turned out she was further along in her journey than I realized. She immediately went on Hospice (for the last four months of her life), and that was a help as well. I had already hired two great caregivers to give me a break during the weekdays for two months before Hospice. It made a huge difference.
Thanks for your time.
24/7 is not working any longer . Consider adult day care , help coming in so you can get out part of the time.
Or Dad moves to assisted living , which sounds , imo , to be what is needed.
You’ve been more than generous . But it’s time for a change.
Parents are supposed to be good to their kids and teach them to be self sufficient adults, that’s their job . That’s apples compared to the oranges of taking care of an elder with a broken brain .
In the mean time , tell Dad you can control the A/C by your phone so you don’t have to get up . Pretend to use your phone . Leave a blanket by Dad .
Parents are responsible for their children's wellbeing, not the other way round. Also, for the majority, parents have a finite time when they are ultimately responsible: children grow up and leave home, then they are responsible for themselves.
Also, you can't make your father happy; unfortunately, it isn't possible. He doesn't need his son to turn the a/c up or down, or to lift him from his chair - a carer can do that - nor does he appreciate it.
Lastly, you can't make your dad better. His condition will continue to deteriorate, yet he could live many more years, robbing you of your own adult life. Being your dad's main carer isn't good for you and isn't contributing anything meaningful to your dad's life.
Repaying your dad for being a good father to you would be better done by you assisting him into a suitable facility and being an advocate for him. No, they wouldn't constantly jump up to adjust the a/c, but all reasonable care needs would be met.
This would enable you to continue to be his loving son who visits his dad once a week.
If you keep this up, you will become a shell of the man you once were. You will end up with caregiver burn-out and be less able to look after yourself, let alone your dad.
In the meantime, you deal with your dad with humour and a constant stream of words that counteract what he's saying. When he gets annoyed at you for talking, make a joke out of that, too. Or sympathise with him, even while you're not doing everything he's asking of you. And stop jumping at every demand of your dad's. Realise how unreasonable his constant demands are.
While doing this, find him a suitable facility for his health and care needs. Stop doing what you're doing. Ask yourself what would happen to your dad if this constant care runs you into the ground and makes you ill.
When she started to get a little testy because she was frustrated with something, I would say something like, "I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel right now. Can I help with (whatever it was)?"
Or I would let her know that it was normal to feel (angry/scared/whatever), because getting old is hard, and it's not for sissies.
Whenever I could, I would somehow make a joke or lighthearted remark that would change the tenor of the interaction.
Sometimes, after I was finally able to internalize not taking things she said personally (THAT took a monumental effort!), her "antics" would seem so ludicrous it would be all I could do to contain my laughter at the absurdity of it all until I was out of earshot of her.
In their lucid moments (which can sometimes be few and far between), they know something's wrong, even if they don't know what it is.
Sometimes just being present in the moment with them, being part of whatever "their" reality is and letting them know you care and understand, can help reduce the temperature.
Of course, not always. It's definitely a matter of on-the-job training. You learn what works as you go. Until it stops working... because their brain takes them on a new path. So you pivot and try something else.
My mom would many times say what would normally be hurtful, out of her own anger at not being able to do things for herself anymore. I would tell her, "that was a mean thing to say," and then just go on doing what needed to be done for her at the moment.
In her final year or so, she would often tell me I took such good care of her that she would live to be 100, and I would smile and say "Maybe so!" all the while thinking, "Dear God, please no!" She would also say she didn't know what she would do without me. I would respond, "I don't know. Let's not find out, shall we?" For some reason, that always tickled her.
I was one of the lucky ones. My efforts eventually paid off, and we had a good relationship at the end of her life. She stopped being able to speak at all about 24 hours before she passed. The last words she ever spoke were, "I love you."
I suspect most family caregivers don't get that at the end. Nevertheless, I wish it for everyone on this forum.
It was hard making this decision, but my mother was not safe because her nighttime wandering and pulling things down off of high shelves, etc. made me fear that she would get hurt at night and I would not find her for hours. Even though she relied heavily on a walker during the day, at night she seemed to have the ability to stand up and walk all over the house. I am glad I decided to do it because I can just be her daughter and enjoy our time together. Being a caretaker is not in my nature and it was making me behave in ways I was not proud of and it was taking my life from me, which she would never want!
And, you are jeopardizing your own self-respect and self-esteem by jumping up to change the thermostat every time he complains! Stop doing that! Let him complain, and try agreeing with him; "Yes, it is a bit hot in here." Period. Don't jump up and attempt to "fix it" for him. You wonder why he doesn't get up once to change it himself. It's because you're doing it! Let him change it if it makes him feel better. Give him some agency. Is he able to get up and change the thermostat? Does he know how to do it correctly? Let him.
Meet his other complaints in a similar manner. Simply listen to him, and validate his feelings, or do nothing. Empathize without trying to fix everything for him.
He needs to work it out and feel as independent as he is able. He is probably unhappy about a lot of things, much larger than the minutia he complains about. He is getting older, his health is failing, he doesn't have control over his mind and his brain function. That must be scary and unnerving for him. He is trying his best to function, but has forgotten how. You can help guide him to better behaviors, without making it an argument. You can give him small tasks, such as folding dish towels or matching socks out of the dryer, something simple enough that makes him feel useful and productive. Use whatever skill he has and give him a related task. This will help keep him occupied and he may forget to complain. Try walking away more often, if there is nothing you can do or really need to do to placate him. Just turn around and take a little Me-Time.
Don't try and argue with him when he says something hurtful. Just walk away.
You say he was a good father. He doesn't want to hurt you, he just doesn't have a fully functioning mind. It will get worse. Brace yourself. And find help if it is more than you can do! You are not letting him down by providing professional skilled help for him!