My father with dementia is becoming a nightmare to live with and care for. I guess I’m preaching to the choir to say that I do more for him than I do for myself, and I’ve limited my own life to try to make him happy and more comfortable. My reasoning is based on the fact that my parents went out of their way to make me happy and successful as a youth and I wanted to repay their generosity.
My dad is currently in an ordering around phase. An example: “I’m hot”, so I turn on the A/C. 2 minutes later, “Who’s in control of that thing, I’m f*%#*ng cold!!!!”, so I get up and turn it off. 3 minutes later, “ I’m f*%#%ng hot”, and the circle continues all day. I let him know what I’m doing every time I go to change the settings.He doesn’t get up once to change them himself. I wonder if he knows he’s working me or if he really feels helpless or if he’s getting off on bossing me around.
I don’t say a word in situations like this. I don’t argue because I know it’s a losing proposition every time I do. I used to argue with him or try to reason in it got me nowhere but angry and frustrated and on his bad side for a couple days, which was not worth the argument or standing up for myself. I found that it’s easier to just give in and just not argue. But when I don’t stand up for myself, my self– esteem suffers. My self– respect suffers. I just feel like I’m being ground down to a nub.
Today he intentionally said something very personally hurtful to me. He said it was one of those things you think about which you never bring up in the open. And he said it with a smile. It was like he completely lost it, like he was taken over by an alien. Then two minutes later, he raises his hand out to me to have me help him walk over to the other side of the room, completely depending on me, the person who he spewed venom at and apparently has no respect for. It was mind blowing how disconnected he must’ve been.
I guess my question is, how do you swallow your pride over and over again and take bad treatment with a smile, and seemingly let it roll off your back for more of the same tomorrow. I’m dreading tomorrow morning because means it’s another day of having to spend it with him and his antics. Thanks.
PS - he lost his driver’s license a few months ago, which seems to have changed everything in his life. Although he’s not mentioned it much, I think it hit him really hard. I think he might be jealous that I still have one. He’s become very me me me and my my my.
It was hard making this decision, but my mother was not safe because her nighttime wandering and pulling things down off of high shelves, etc. made me fear that she would get hurt at night and I would not find her for hours. Even though she relied heavily on a walker during the day, at night she seemed to have the ability to stand up and walk all over the house. I am glad I decided to do it because I can just be her daughter and enjoy our time together. Being a caretaker is not in my nature and it was making me behave in ways I was not proud of and it was taking my life from me, which she would never want!
You owe dad nothing but a smile and checking in on his welfare sometimes. We don't have children so they can jump to our every command in old age. Rid yourself of that notion and stop accepting abuse.
Best of luck to you.
Yes and no. Yes, they may be saying what hurts in order to hurt, which says they have agency.
However, the part of our brain that controls such urges and polices our actions invariably becomes damaged in people with dementia. That's why they lose control and display such mean behaviour.
This is also why some people seem stronger when they have dementia or other condition that affects their brain - that area also puts a check on how much force we use if we lose it and lash out.
Yes! 👏
It may help to remind yourself (over and over if needed) that the rudeness and venom you’re seeing is not the father you grew up with — it’s the disease talking. Dementia often strips away filters, impulse control, and empathy, and unfortunately, the caregiver becomes the safe target for all that anger and confusion. He lashes out because he can, not because you deserve it. That doesn’t make it hurt less, but it helps to see it for what it is: illness, not truth.
Practically, you can protect your self-respect in small but powerful ways. Some caregivers find it helps to step away for a breather when the cycle starts instead of rushing to fix things every single time — even just saying, ‘I’ll adjust it in a few minutes,’ can give you space and remind you that you have agency too. If possible, set boundaries where you can: maybe a cooling fan he can control himself, or a blanket within reach so he has some power back. And don’t underestimate the power of respite, even short breaks — your sanity matters as much as his comfort.
And please know: you’re not weak or failing when you feel ground down. You’re carrying an impossible load with grace, even if you can’t always see it. Your self-respect doesn’t come from how he treats you now, but from the courage it takes to keep showing up in love despite the cruelty of this disease. You deserve support, breaks, and compassion every bit as much as he does
Stop swallowing your pride and start thinking of yourself first. You cannot make him happy no matter what you do as his brain is broken. He no longer has our rational thoughts processes and most likely doesn't even remember being absolutely horrible to you.
He needs an assessment as to whether he can continue to live alone whether you need external support to enable this or if he now needs AL. There is no shame in you no longer being able to cope, there was a comment on here a a while back from a doctor to his patient "it's either you or them". If trying to cope breaks you, then your father's attitude will most likely be "oh dear,what a shame, never mind, now who is going to be my slave".
Mentally, continuing this cycle will destroy you first. Seek whatever advice you can find which is recommended here. I wish you good luck.
You DO NOT cater to them or humor them. You make them wait for things. I don't mean make them wait all day for food or their medication. No. I mean if you are the only person who shows up to do for them, they live on YOUR schedule. Not the other way around.
You NEVER take the bad treatment with a smile. Never. When he's acting up, totally ignore him. If he's really going at you, give it right back. Tell him to shut the hell up because no one cares what he thinks. Then walk away and pay him no attention whatsoever. Let him bark demands and orders until he wears himself out.
Some years ago I worked in a nice AL facility as a staff supervisor. Every time I walked by a certain resident who supposedly had dementia, she would always say snidely, 'There goes that fat b*tch'. I let this go on for some time and ignored it. One day I just stopped in my tracks, got her backed up against the wall (I did not put my hands on her), got about an inch from her face, staring her right in the eyes and said, "What did you say to me?" Of course, she wouldn't repeat it but instead got very flustered and pretended she had no clue what I was saying. Then rather loudly I said in her face mind you, "That's what I thought". She never said a word to me ever again and I worked there for about another two years or so. DO NOT tolerate your father behaving verbally abusive to you.
Start looking into memory care facilities to put him in. No one has to tolerate or live with abuse even when the abuser has dementia. Dementia is an explanation from bad and abusive behavior. It does not excuse it or make it acceptable. For your own sake, put him in memory care.
We teach people how to treat us, and you're teaching your father that he can treat you like a dog in most instances. So only you can change this dysfunctional situation that you're in with him, by standing your ground and not tolerating his verbal abuse.
When he gets angry and says hurtful things, you must learn to walk away and tell him that you will return when he can speak more respectfully to you.
And if that doesn't work then you must tell him that you will no longer be his caregiver and that he will have to hire in-home help with his own money, as caregiving only works when it works for all parties involved, and right now it sure doesn't sound like it's working for you.
So time to start speaking up for yourself and quit taking your fathers abuse.
Secondly, if your own mental health is fragile enough to suffer to the extent you lose self-esteem due to the mental meanderings of someone in the throes of dementia it is time to explore this with a good cognitive therapist. None of that silly online therapy in which the therapist isn't paid much and is deserving of less.
Finally your loving decision needs to be explored. Caring for someone such as your dad, who now needs the care of a TEAM of caregivers working several shifts isn't always sustainable. You have a duty and obligation to live your own one-and-only life. It is what your parents would have wanted for you when they had capacity.
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1. In many cases it is not true that a person suffering from dementia has no control over his/her own actions. My mother is in memory care, and I am the daughter who oversees her care and manages everything for her. She definitely can and does control her behavior, words, tone, and actions, according to whom she is with at any given time. I regularly see her change on a dime when specific people enter or leave the room (including me). She chooses those words and behaviors. They are still very much in her control, even though she is in stage 5 of her dementia journey.
2. Therapy has been a godsend for me as a caregiver. There are fantastic online therapists, just like there are fantastic therapists you can meet with in person. Please don’t assume that online therapy is bad therapy. Most of the online therapists have in-person practices, too. Resources like BetterHelp.com are excellent, and if you don’t mesh with the first therapist you talk to, you can request a different one with the click of a button.
3. I wholeheartedly agree that a team of caregivers is needed when things get to the stage that OP’s father has reached. My mom regularly ripped me to shreds, like his father is doing. It is necessary to protect oneself and seek placement for the loved one when your mental health is on the line. It really does not matter WHY the abusive communication is happening (i.e. is Dad doing it on purpose or not?). The fact THAT it is happening is all that matters, and no one should stay in an abusive situation.
When she started to get a little testy because she was frustrated with something, I would say something like, "I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel right now. Can I help with (whatever it was)?"
Or I would let her know that it was normal to feel (angry/scared/whatever), because getting old is hard, and it's not for sissies.
Whenever I could, I would somehow make a joke or lighthearted remark that would change the tenor of the interaction.
Sometimes, after I was finally able to internalize not taking things she said personally (THAT took a monumental effort!), her "antics" would seem so ludicrous it would be all I could do to contain my laughter at the absurdity of it all until I was out of earshot of her.
In their lucid moments (which can sometimes be few and far between), they know something's wrong, even if they don't know what it is.
Sometimes just being present in the moment with them, being part of whatever "their" reality is and letting them know you care and understand, can help reduce the temperature.
Of course, not always. It's definitely a matter of on-the-job training. You learn what works as you go. Until it stops working... because their brain takes them on a new path. So you pivot and try something else.
My mom would many times say what would normally be hurtful, out of her own anger at not being able to do things for herself anymore. I would tell her, "that was a mean thing to say," and then just go on doing what needed to be done for her at the moment.
In her final year or so, she would often tell me I took such good care of her that she would live to be 100, and I would smile and say "Maybe so!" all the while thinking, "Dear God, please no!" She would also say she didn't know what she would do without me. I would respond, "I don't know. Let's not find out, shall we?" For some reason, that always tickled her.
I was one of the lucky ones. My efforts eventually paid off, and we had a good relationship at the end of her life. She stopped being able to speak at all about 24 hours before she passed. The last words she ever spoke were, "I love you."
I suspect most family caregivers don't get that at the end. Nevertheless, I wish it for everyone on this forum.