How does everyone deal with this?

Being a caregiver is a very lonely job. There is only one way we can cope. That is if we can not accept seeing our loved ones neglected. Most people do not see things the way we do. It almost seems that they look at it as we have chosen an unnecessary burden. That gives them a free pass. I have mostly accepted that. It does no good for me to wish things were otherwise. Maybe someday the blindfolds will fall from their eyes, but for now they just can't see the need to help. In accepting that, I find peace and grace to get through the day. Needless to say, there are still days when I fall back into the "why me". category. Then I have to offer myself the same forgiveness I offer them. After all, I too am only human.

It's a common situation in many a family. In my family there's a kind gene and a selfish gene--some got the selfish gene in spades. Plus, every child has a different relationship with a parent--parents don't treat all of their children the same. Also, some kids will stay and suffer a bad parent while others escape. I think that the siblings who don't help may never have full closure. Also, they are missing out on one of the richest parts of life--nurturing others. I was fortunate to spend my father's final week with him--as he elegantly wound down his life. I learned so many lessons about dying with grace and courage that my selfish brother missed out on. Just know that some people lack empathy. Some of my siblings do and that is why I keep my distance. You'll never miss what is not there--accept that they don't have much to give.

How to deal with it?

Just move on..

Now time or energy to waste on useless siblings..

I should know I have 5 of them.......

I have been tsking care of mom about 3 yrs now with alzheimers all alone ,no children husband etc. my brother passed 3 yrs ago left all money to his wife. She told my brother she. Would help I am sure. He told me how much he was leaving for mom but didn't put it inh will. Long story short no money no help.she gave me hard ti me said she would pay half of assisted living cause that's what my bro would have done. Well bro would have her half the time or at least dome of this responsibility. I told her I needed 24 hr notice if she wanted to see mom because I didn't want her spending anytime here. She said she didn't need to give me 24 hr notice. Aldo I couldn't afford half of assisted living. I helped my mom all my life.paid what I could to help and not half. Paid 1500 toward dentures,help buy used car,bought furniture for her mobile home etc.anyway his wife got all the money and her freedom. I am 64 and so tired. Mom is hard to deal with at times. I just stopped all contact with her since all she did was make me angry. I would tell family every single thing you do for mom and ask them to do domething on list,sit with mom buy groceries if they can't do direct care.oh yes, my sil wanted me to use 7000 dollars from moms mobile home before she helped at all. Greedy b*tch my brother just couldn't see it. He quoted me 160,000 he was leaving to help mom. Ha

Yeh, he has his reasons. You have to respect that. The reasons started long before, too, by your own admission.

That dr is a typo. Sorry!

I have one brother who is no help at all. When I ask he says no. I've just accepted it. It is hard not to be bitter and angry toward him. I have just cut myself off from him that way I can move on with my life and dr caring for mom. I'll contact him when she dies and then after te funeral probably won't see him again. Sad? Yes. But some relationships do more harm than good, even when it's "family."

I think the best way to deal with siblings that don't help is to accept thats the way it is and move on. The resentment I felt was adding to the already ever present stress of caring and worrying over my Mom.

My biggest thing was that I told everyone the situation so I knew they were aware of it and I felt that I shouldn't have to ask. They knew what needed to be done and I resented having to feel like I was the gatekeeper for my Mom.

Fast forward to the present. My Mom has since passed and I still get upset thinking of the times that I felt all alone with no support but you know what, I sleep at night knowing I did all I could for my Mom and one day if my siblings are at all human they will hopefully realize they missed out on spending some quality time with their dear departed Mother. If they don't realize it then I guess it wouldn't of mattered anyway.

When I stumbled upon this forum I jumped for joy. Read the articles and the questions even when you think they don't apply to you because you will find great advice. I see your mom has lung disease. I'm sure that greatly limits what she can do. And yet I just saw a man yesterday with an oxygen tank in a backpack on his way to the movies. My guess is he was over 80.

You need relief and you need to accept that you're not going to get a lot of help from your siblings. Be grateful for your one brother who shows up at bedtime. The diaper change may just be too intimate/weird for him and that is both understandable and okay. I think my husband would pass out if he ever saw his mom's private parts.

What kind of community do you live in? Do you have a library that has programs for seniors? What about your county department for the aging? If you attend a house of worship what do they offer? You need to find respite care so that you don't go from feeling bad (burnout) to worse (compassion fatigue) like I did. I did not avail myself of my community's supportive services until I broke and felt nothing. I felt like a big black hole was inside of me.

If you have friends and neighbors who have home health aides ask them if their helpers have a colleague who needs work. I've found these people to be a tight-knit group who help families find good, reliable people. Remember that situations change quickly and a home health aide may be employed one week and the next their charge will have been transferred to a nursing home or passed away.

Volunteer or find some part-time work to get yourself out of the house for a few hours each week. Make life as easy and automated as you can. For example, grocery delivery and cook & freeze meals for the week. Setup automatic bill payments using online banking if your bank offers it. Simplify your life as much as you can so you can get some mental relief. And find something to do that helps you get out your frustrations...kickboxing...baking (kneading bread is very therapeutic)...get a glue gun...whatever helps you. Good luck! - NYDIL