How does everyone deal with this?

When I stumbled upon this forum I jumped for joy. Read the articles and the questions even when you think they don't apply to you because you will find great advice. I see your mom has lung disease. I'm sure that greatly limits what she can do. And yet I just saw a man yesterday with an oxygen tank in a backpack on his way to the movies. My guess is he was over 80.

You need relief and you need to accept that you're not going to get a lot of help from your siblings. Be grateful for your one brother who shows up at bedtime. The diaper change may just be too intimate/weird for him and that is both understandable and okay. I think my husband would pass out if he ever saw his mom's private parts.

What kind of community do you live in? Do you have a library that has programs for seniors? What about your county department for the aging? If you attend a house of worship what do they offer? You need to find respite care so that you don't go from feeling bad (burnout) to worse (compassion fatigue) like I did. I did not avail myself of my community's supportive services until I broke and felt nothing. I felt like a big black hole was inside of me.

If you have friends and neighbors who have home health aides ask them if their helpers have a colleague who needs work. I've found these people to be a tight-knit group who help families find good, reliable people. Remember that situations change quickly and a home health aide may be employed one week and the next their charge will have been transferred to a nursing home or passed away.

Volunteer or find some part-time work to get yourself out of the house for a few hours each week. Make life as easy and automated as you can. For example, grocery delivery and cook & freeze meals for the week. Setup automatic bill payments using online banking if your bank offers it. Simplify your life as much as you can so you can get some mental relief. And find something to do that helps you get out your frustrations...kickboxing...baking (kneading bread is very therapeutic)...get a glue gun...whatever helps you. Good luck! - NYDIL

I think the best way to deal with siblings that don't help is to accept thats the way it is and move on. The resentment I felt was adding to the already ever present stress of caring and worrying over my Mom.

My biggest thing was that I told everyone the situation so I knew they were aware of it and I felt that I shouldn't have to ask. They knew what needed to be done and I resented having to feel like I was the gatekeeper for my Mom.

Fast forward to the present. My Mom has since passed and I still get upset thinking of the times that I felt all alone with no support but you know what, I sleep at night knowing I did all I could for my Mom and one day if my siblings are at all human they will hopefully realize they missed out on spending some quality time with their dear departed Mother. If they don't realize it then I guess it wouldn't of mattered anyway.

I have one brother who is no help at all. When I ask he says no. I've just accepted it. It is hard not to be bitter and angry toward him. I have just cut myself off from him that way I can move on with my life and dr caring for mom. I'll contact him when she dies and then after te funeral probably won't see him again. Sad? Yes. But some relationships do more harm than good, even when it's "family."

That dr is a typo. Sorry!

Yeh, he has his reasons. You have to respect that. The reasons started long before, too, by your own admission.

I have been tsking care of mom about 3 yrs now with alzheimers all alone ,no children husband etc. my brother passed 3 yrs ago left all money to his wife. She told my brother she. Would help I am sure. He told me how much he was leaving for mom but didn't put it inh will. Long story short no money no help.she gave me hard ti me said she would pay half of assisted living cause that's what my bro would have done. Well bro would have her half the time or at least dome of this responsibility. I told her I needed 24 hr notice if she wanted to see mom because I didn't want her spending anytime here. She said she didn't need to give me 24 hr notice. Aldo I couldn't afford half of assisted living. I helped my mom all my life.paid what I could to help and not half. Paid 1500 toward dentures,help buy used car,bought furniture for her mobile home etc.anyway his wife got all the money and her freedom. I am 64 and so tired. Mom is hard to deal with at times. I just stopped all contact with her since all she did was make me angry. I would tell family every single thing you do for mom and ask them to do domething on list,sit with mom buy groceries if they can't do direct care.oh yes, my sil wanted me to use 7000 dollars from moms mobile home before she helped at all. Greedy b*tch my brother just couldn't see it. He quoted me 160,000 he was leaving to help mom. Ha

How to deal with it?

Just move on..

Now time or energy to waste on useless siblings..

I should know I have 5 of them.......

It's a common situation in many a family. In my family there's a kind gene and a selfish gene--some got the selfish gene in spades. Plus, every child has a different relationship with a parent--parents don't treat all of their children the same. Also, some kids will stay and suffer a bad parent while others escape. I think that the siblings who don't help may never have full closure. Also, they are missing out on one of the richest parts of life--nurturing others. I was fortunate to spend my father's final week with him--as he elegantly wound down his life. I learned so many lessons about dying with grace and courage that my selfish brother missed out on. Just know that some people lack empathy. Some of my siblings do and that is why I keep my distance. You'll never miss what is not there--accept that they don't have much to give.

Being a caregiver is a very lonely job. There is only one way we can cope. That is if we can not accept seeing our loved ones neglected. Most people do not see things the way we do. It almost seems that they look at it as we have chosen an unnecessary burden. That gives them a free pass. I have mostly accepted that. It does no good for me to wish things were otherwise. Maybe someday the blindfolds will fall from their eyes, but for now they just can't see the need to help. In accepting that, I find peace and grace to get through the day. Needless to say, there are still days when I fall back into the "why me". category. Then I have to offer myself the same forgiveness I offer them. After all, I too am only human.

I was my dad's Caregiver while my siblings, both 30 miles and 1500 miles away didn't visit him or even call him, even tho I begged them to. By the time he passed, coming on 2 years now, I was totally burned out, and I had become bitter. Yet, something that I was asked recently (now that my MIL was diagnosed with dementia) was, "When does a caregiver become a caregiver?" She went on to explain that caregivers are BORN that way, they don't become one. We are the ones who as children picked up stray dogs and cats, finding them homes. We are the ones who found baby bunnies and birds. We are the ones who stood up for others in need while in school. We are the ones who visited the nursing home. She was not only describing me in detail, she had described what my siblings were Not while growing up. My siblings can no more be caregivers than I can NOT be, for I was born to be this way. This revelation didn't make my role as caregiver easier, however it helped to heal the hurt caused by my siblings refusal to help.

If I'm reading this right -- you do have help. Not as much as wanted or needed, but you are not totally alone. You have a brother who comes every single day to help get her to bed (and I, too, understand not wanting to change the diapers of the parent of the "other" gender. My father would have been mortified. I let my mother or husband do that for his sake as much as mine.) You also have a daughter who helps. You also have family members who do NOT help. We all do and many of the comments indicate as much. That being said, you still have my utmost compassion. You are the PRIMARY caregiver and that responsibility is overwhelming whether it is now your paid job or not. Working for someone other than your mother would have built in breaks where you could get away and relax. Perhaps your local Office of the Aging can offer a little support or help you find others. Check the internet. I found a volunteer organization who offered support to cancer patients -- it was private, well run, wonderfully compassionate and free. They continued to bring my mother meals for a couple of weeks after my father passed away. Hospice groups may be able to offer some ideas on respite services even if you are not participating in hospice at this time. They have lists of organizations and individuals who might be able to "sit" with your mom for a few hours. Maybe your brother would agree to spending a night once in awhile so you can get away -- maybe even staying at him place that night just for a break in stress. You could be back by breakfast if that's all he can handle. Nothing about these situations is easy and the exhaustion overwhelms the feelings of accomplishment in helping your loved one. Hang in there. Take advantage of the people who do help; look for outside help. Ignore the people who do NOT help. If they aren't helping now, they probably never will. Try not to let it get you down even more. Your emotions can't take one hit after another so let go of the things and people you cannot change to protect yourself. You are important. Remember that and take care of yourself as well.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with so much stress. In answer to the unhelpful sibling, I'll echo what others have said. I think you have to accept it, choose not to be angry or bitter over it, and move on. I have this brother also. He chooses not to be involved, it's been this way for years, nothing "bad" happened, he simply doesn't want to be bothered. It used to really get to me, but I've finally gotten to a place of acceptance. He's the one missing out on the last years with our parents, he already missed the time with our mom, and now he's missing it with our dad. And though our dad is becoming more difficult, I'll still treasure that I had the time with him. After all, our parents are the ones who once took care of us. Once in a while I update my uncaring brother, but otherwise I leave him alone. I'll admit it can be difficult at the times we do speak to have to hear all about his travels and adventures while I'm "stuck" here, but then I remind myself of my purpose and it becomes okay again. I'd encourage you to accept the situation from the standpoint of family help, and then look outside of that for what other respite you may receive.

Don't have this problem but reading these answers give context to my caring for husband with dementia. Thank you all.

I have two brothers who don't help, but I don't blame them. We are not a close family. My parents spent a lifetime of pushing people away. And Lord only knows why I am here. I spend all day every day while my mother sleeps or watches TV. I can go out, but I come back home to the same thing. And this could go on for several more years. So I really have to question if I should sacrifice further, since it would be wasting my own life. I couldn't expect others to chip in, since my mother could do so much but won't. It is my choice if I continue to stay, but I can't expect my brothers to make similar sacrifices.

This isn't said in any spiteful way. It is just looking at things truthfully. A good thing a family caregiver does is take the burden off the rest of the family so that they can carry on. So we are caregivers to our parents and indirectly to our siblings. And if the load gets too heavy, there are so many options available that we don't have to require large sacrifices from others. Some of us getting locked in because we can't get parents to move. But that isn't the fault of our siblings. It is the parent's and our own situation.

My mother 104 yo lives with me. I found a great individual through care site to live with us and help. My children do squat. When mother was able to go visit them, they would sometimes have her for a holiday weekend, but that's about it for my son. My daughter took care of Mother for about 2 months 2 days a week, but I paid her $10 per hour. I think she decided it was too much like work. They seldom call and almost never visit. Last time my son was here was Mother's BD in July.

Oh and by the way, my mother bought 3 houses for my daughter over the years, saved my son's house from foreclosure and bought a truck for him. My grandson promises to come and never shows up even when he promises. Mother bought him a truck. She sent them all to expensive private schools and doled out money as long as she had any. They are completely self absorbed.

I have two first cousins (my mother's nieces) who are my only family and live in the same city. They wanted nothing to do with my mom and me for many years. No reason. Both of them were medical doctors at one time.

I am an only child, a son, and I assisted my mom as her physical condition deteriorated over a period of years. I did so because I loved her and she needed me.

When my mom broke her hip, I called one of her nieces. She told me she would come to see my mom in the hospital. She didn't come. I called again and she wasn't feeling well; she would call me back when she felt better. Nothing. The Hospice nurse called on my mom's final day. Still no response. I called the next day to tell her that my mom had passed away. Neither of them came to my mom's funeral, sent anything, or called to offer any consolation.

Now I am all alone and in a state of inconsolable grief. I am hurt by the way my nieces acted but am not angry. To anyone feeling abandoned by their family in their time of need, take consolation from these words:

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn: for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the merciful: for they will be shown mercy.

Detailed resentment about all these other specific people and what they could do and should do is useless. Its just another source of the stuff that wears me down. I have enough to do without fixing them, and I can't fix them anyway. You make your own choice, and you allow them theirs. You practice gratitude for those who help.

I have a selfish sister who does not help or visit. It's just the two of us, so all the care giving fell to me. I deal with it by being grateful she's not here to make things worse. She can barely take care of herself, she's bossy and unpleasant, and it wouldn't be good for my mother.

This is a very common question, one I asked this forum myself. The answer? You cannot make people help, nor care. They will or they won't. You cannot stress about it, because it doesn't help and you wind up frustrated and angry. I have 4 sibs, Mother lives with one, he does the most for her. I help when and where I can, and the other 3 go about their lives and maybe visit or call her once every few months. It's very sad, and I know who will boo-hoo the loudest at mother's death and who will take as much as they can get. Honestly? If they don't care, you will never change that. Get some paid help, if you can, forget the sibs and do the best you can.

I fought with my sister and niece for 2 years about not helping. They have told me that it does not bother them if they only see her once a year and left everything to me and my husband to do. My husband travels all the time so I'm left alone to take care of everything. I finally stopped the fighting and realized that you can't change people. My sister and niece have NO compassion even though my niece is a nurse. I find it unbelievable that they can be this way.

Ephesians6vs2 - How true your statement is, I have always brought strays home and usually keep them all. My sister is the type that would get a dog and usually within a few months she would drop it off at the shelter with no problem doing that.

I find that all the answers that you received are so true but it usually takes us a while to wrap our minds around this and you will still have bursts of anger even after you realize that you can't change anyone. The best advice is to take the help that you have and enjoy as much time as you can get with Mom, I am very lucky that I have friends that love my mom and step in and help, just the other day a friend found out that I wanted to go away for the night with my husband and actually re arranged his work schedule to make that happen. I never ask him to do that but there are really people around that do want to help. Your mom is very lucky to have you. Some people have no one and to me that is so very sad.

Gershun, thank you for your message, which is so close to my feelings right now, you wrote "Fast forward to the present. My Mom has since passed and I still get upset thinking of the times that I felt all alone with no support but you know what, I sleep at night knowing I did all I could for my Mom and one day if my siblings are at all human they will hopefully realize they missed out on spending some quality time with their dear departed Mother. If they don't realize it then I guess it wouldn't of mattered anyway."
My siblings are currently seeking to have me removed as Executor---eegads---But the problem is, they are spending more in lawyer bills (and also my lawyer bills, which comes out of the Estate) than they will ever "recover". It is actually a net loss for everyone.
But, at least I got to spend a lot of really good time with my mom (and before that, Dad too).
No court or judge can ever take away my memories! Even if they were being stuck in traffic in a snowstorm and she has a maybe broken toe, and she was in terrible pain, and I had to try to keep on going....keep on going....somehow.... Even those times which I thought were really awful, I remember those times now with fondness.

I am single and have no siblings or children. I helped my father care for my mother who had Alzheimer's for 8 years. The last 2 years of my mothers life, she spent in skilled nursing, but my father was then diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and is now at the VA home. I have 2 cousins, but one has cancer and the other takes care of his mother with Azlheimer's. I did a terrible job caring for them, but I don't know what else I could have done by myself. I found myself in 2 ERs one evening when the 2 nursing homes took my father to a different home than my mother. They both asked me to kill them. Then I got sick. I couldn't attend support groups without someone to stay with my parents because I slept if a got a free hour. I even got a call from my Dads skilled nursing, when I was I in the hospital, telling me to go to a medical appointment with him. I hope it helps you know that most caregivers are isolated. It helped me to read blogs like this one, but the truth is that you will be isolated, sleep deprived, and eventually sick from the impossible demands of caregiving and US. Beauracracy. I blame our corporations who buy the offices for our politicians. We should have better treatments and cures, but health care is not a priority in this nation. Find friendship and love where you can and prepare for a long journey.

Hi,
I really understand where you are coming from ?? sometimes we don't always say the real things we would like too,,,,, that we really feel inside about our true feelings. as for myself i have became bolder about my true feelings.... mostly due to things that have happened in my family with relatives, & i just can't turn my cheek any longer.
the truth is the truth & if the family members can't handle it, then that is their problem, not mine.

As I have seen so very many members where just **one** of a family such as of 7 sisters & only one volunteered to take their mother into her home instead of seeing her go into a rest home. now, for the real slap in the face for the only one who kept her mother at home, as far as i am concerned the other 6, yes did live close enough to come & spend 3-4 hours so the main sister could at least go get grocery's for 2 weeks, & she had a 1 hour round trip drive (super walmart) & only 1 of the sickest of the 6 sisters would come to sit with their mother , the other 5 **always**had some kind of lame reason why not....... dinner to cook for husband; son & family were stopping bye & she didn't want to miss seeing her grand kids, yet she saw them every other week, because if she didn't she would go pick them up herself.

Just all kids of comebacks like the above, i won't even use the word excuses, because to me, they are*** not excuses***
they are plainly bold lies, to ***make themselves***
feel better to get out of something they didn't want to do, & didn't plan to to ever, & never did. i mean why not just tell the truth,
such as,,,,,,, no, i don't want to come sit with mother, & i don't care what you need to do, be it go get food for you & mother for the 2 weeks or what ever it is you need to go do for your self or for our mother,

never were the words even said ,,,**i will find someone** who can come over for 3 hours or ? & i will pay them myself, to help you & *****our mother****** who took care of us for so many years, & you are doing all of this on your own & i would be happy to help in this way.......... but oh no,,,,,,,,,not a word of such as above is ever said,,,,
***why*** ?? they ,,,don't care, except about themselves... no money was even asked for but the guilt came out, as she just had to add, i can't afford to pay for someone to sit with *mother* because granddaughter wanted a new bathing suit for summer & i just couldn't refuse her the $ 85.00 to buy it,,,, when she flashes me that sweet smile.

I have almost seen & heard it all & keeping my mouth shut & making up reasons as to *why they can't help* just isn't in my thoughts anymore because i know its very untrue..

My step-daughter this june 2015 stole my husbands credit card with all of our ( auto pays) for our bills on it
& how she managed to get a new # on the card we can only guess as to how she managed to do that. but thieves & cons know how to do a lot of things when it comes to getting other peoples money.

She over maxed it out within 6-7 weeks, (had our address changed also) is why we didn't know, until our bills started to email & call us. then we find out she has managed to open yet another credit card in husbands name, maxed it out, not making any payments, & we finally get a call from a collection agency that we owe almost $20,000
her father is 86 yrs & was diagnosed with leukemia ( cll )
she flew out to visit us , we have lived here for 25 yrs, & that is the very 1st time she has **ever been here**, so she stole our bill box with all statements & numbers in it.

oh my this is showing concern for her sick father ? now fraud charges must be filed, & he is just dreading having to do this to his daughter that he thought the sun rose & sat in, yet the whole family told me what kind of person she was.

I know & realize you will have to deal with your family & feelings in your own way, but as for me i have seen it play over way to many times, & its just to hard for me to turn my cheek anymore. yes, i still have love & compassion in my heart for those who give of themselves, the care givers.
their hearts are made of gold. Marilyn Prayers & Hugs your way
Email me anytime if you want or need to talk, you are welcome to.




















































































SO,, SHE REALLY SHOWED HER FATHER HOW MUCH SHE CARED

You've been dealing with these family dynamics your entire life. The context is just different because now it concerns your aging mother. You already know that the only thing you can control is yourself and your actions. You know that you're going to do the right thing by your mother even if it's difficult. You have to make sure that you get respite time for yourself at least twice a month, so trade off a couple of those nights where your brother comes over to help get her to bed for a big chunk of time every other week. This could be an afternoon or morning every other week where you get to do whatever you feel like you need to do to rejuvenate yourself. You might even consider attending an elder care support group on one of these days just to give you an opportunity to vent to other people who are in the same situation you are, please believe me when I tell you you have a lot of company of others in our age group in a similar situation.

Kathy, I agree. One of my brothers lives 7hrs away both he and his wife work. The other is divorced and retired living maybe 30 min. away. Mom has been here a year. Both have seen her twice and don't call. No, not happy about it because when she gets going, I have to listen to it. When they r here its like no time has gone by. So, I'm choosing not to get upset about it. I don't consider myself a good caretaker, I lack patience. But, Mom is fed and clean.

Everyone has there own method....going out to your car and just sitting or screaming, a grocery shopping trip can even seem like a real fun event!

As a long time care giver both, as a job. and part time for many elder family. My parents and grand parent's thankfully went without need of a care giver, so I did not have to deal with the sibling thing. But I at age of 60 I'm finding myself taking care of a long time friend it started as s roomate and and has progressed to full later stage alzheimers. There are no family no assets, and we get ss money but it has become a full time job and I am on burn out. My situation is different from a stand point of family. Non the less there are givers and takers, and I guess reflecting back I have always been that kind of person. So my advise is God has put you here for a reason. If you are not a believer I guess this will be of no comfort. Many people have helped me in this journey, a double blow my dearest friend of of 55 yrs. has also gotten early onset Alzheimer's while she has family and money they are so split and bitter that is so sad. I'm still working on placement and I must because I am on burn out and am using my resources and leaving me at risk of having no where and no one to help me. So let go of the people that didn't come thru, maybe they have something going on maybe a million other reasons, just be comforted that you did the best you could. Only then will you feel free of bitterness.

I love the response about caregivers being born that way. It's true. I've rescued birds, cats, dogs, and humans. There are some people who just don't have empathy. Feel sad for them.

I agree about caregivers being born that way. I too have always been the one of the 3 that have rescued anything that was hurt or a bird that fell out of the nest. I save a baby bunny that our neighbor ran over the whole nest with his brush hog and this little guy was the only one that survived, I raised him until he was old enough to turn out. I now volunteer for a rescue and have been doing it for about 5 yrs and I love it!!! So I believe that statement!
If it wasn't for that fact that it is killing my mom that my brother has nothing to do with her, I wouldn't let it bother me. I could care less that I don't see him. But the fact that it bothers her, now it bothers me.