How does everyone deal with guilt if you have to suggest assisted living or in-home care for an elderly parent?

I haven't read all the answers here but I have to say I don't understand why you have any guilt for trying to find the best care for your parent. More times than not the children are NOT the best care. Do you have training in the care of the elderly and can you afford to stop working? If either answer is no they you are not the best option. So why the guilt?

YOU are part of your 'dad's family', and they have no right to judge anything you do. If they object to your best solution for your dad's care they can step up themselves. You frame it to them and to your dad that in-home care/placement is For His Benefit because you want the Best care by folks trained for that work. You continue to contribute/do whatever does work for you and let others, even if it involves the state aging council. You may feel 'guilt' because those years of living in a dysfunctional/stressful/abusive household 'trained' you to feel badly; resist that old conditioning, throw it off, do what works for him and for yourself. You do not have to be a martyr. Loving/honoring a parent is making sure they are safe and in good hands, a humane thing we all deserve.

You do it not because you have to or want to... but because you know in your heart and mind that it is the right and ethical thing to do. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I have zero guilt. My parents lived their lives to the absolute fullest. They never dealt with caring for their parents. Neither ever lost a job. They have three daughters that are decent people and gave them six grandchildren. They traveled when they wanted. They had a happy marriage and good lives. Anyone would be lucky to have what they did.

I recently had to place my father in a nursing home. His needs were simply too great and my mother also has many health issues. Not possible to take care of them myself. Needing a NH or in home care is simply the price that needs to be paid for living life to its fullest and now growing too old for one’s body.

Fact is I’m so tired of having to think about their issues and what the next crisis will be that I will need to have to deal with. But I am so not feeling any guilt about this situation.

Even tho my mom feared ever being 'put' into a nursing home, in the end her neurologists stated 'her form of Alzheimer's will leave her completely bedridden before she is completely out of her mind.' That was a devastating prospect and I was filled with guilt that her worst fear would be unavoidable. Our family did not have the skills nor means to take care of a bedridden patient. In a merciful turn of events, she suffered a massive stroke that ended her life within weeks. Please don't feel guilty. Let your loved one know that you want the Best Care For Them which will be in a professional setting. All the best.

Guilt is an emotion I rarely feel.

Sadness and loss yes, guilt no. I feel sadness every time I say goodbye to my mother in her nursing home, sadness that she’s confused and afraid, sadness I can’t take care of her and sadness that my life is all consumed by her and I can’t do anything to bring her back to her old self. I’m getting older too and my mental and physical health is just as important. I live by my best intentions, all my decisions have her best interests at heart, so whenever guilt creeps in I stop in it’s tracks.

Well... I stopped feeling guilty because it was my family my health or them.

Bolster yourself with positive truth: you are making sure his needs are being cared for, you are involved in his life, you have rightly assessed that he needs more care than you can possibly give alone... Then use these affirmations when he or others try to make you feel guilty. Remember: only you can truly make yourself feel guilty.

GUILT is the last thing you should feel! Having your Dad’s welfare as your motivation is an honest, thoughtful attitude, considering how you lived your early life with him. You know your limits and you are showing a maturity that your father should appreciate but may not have the capacity to do so.
Search appropriate Home Care Agencies that will do a home assessment and take care of all the background checks, scheduling arrangements based upon his current needs and appropriate care available.

faithfulbeauty: Perhaps you need to see a therapist to let go of the guilt.

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need."

Dad can't get what he wants. You are being a good daughter by trying to get him what he needs, when he obviously can't or won't do it himself. Please don't punish yourself for it. If he refuses to cooperate, you can walk away and get on with your own life. We all give you permission!

You should never feel guilt for not being able to care for someone who needs more than you can provide. Age took away his ability to be completely independent, not you. I personally believe that care isn't about where you live but the love and support you give and receive. I know plenty of people who have had horrific care experiences from family who thought they were doing their best or trying to live up to some impossible promise. I also know many people who have thrived in AL or SNF because they get the level of care they need and social interaction.

I also know many carers who have destroyed their mental, physical, emotional and financial health trying to provide care that they are not capable of providing. No one should feel guilty about that, we all have limitations.

You need to do what is best for you. I am not saying abandon your father, just ensure he is a place that works for you as well as him. As I said, love and care can live anywhere, and sometimes the best place is in some type of care facility.

FB, feeling like EVERYTHING is your fault is the fallout from living with someone like your father. It's totally expectable.

Can you find a therapist who works with cognitive behavioral therapy to help change your thinking patterns,?

In your situation, assisted living IS taking care of him. Hands-on, in-home care by one's children isn't the only option for aging, so now that we know that option is off the table, you go to Dad with the other option -- assisted living.

The important thing is making and keeping your boundaries on this issue. You HAVE to work to support yourself and plan for your own retirement. You CANNOT move in with him, as you have a home already, both in terms of a house and a location. Those are irredeemable facts, and once you lay those out to Dad, the aging-in-place with you as caregiver is off the table.

The only other option is to hire full-time, in-home help, so be ready for that argument. Either he can't afford it (it's more expensive than AL), you can't supervise a raft of employees (because it can't be just one person), and there will be inevitable times when someone doesn't show up for work and you can't fill in for that person.

You can do it, as long as you practice selective deafness both with him and with any critical family members who aren't doing anything to take care of him, I'm sure.

FB, how are you doing?

Are you able to let go of the idea that somehow, dad need around the clock assistance is not your "fault" and that going to a facility is no reason for you to feel guilty?

Guilt is probably the prevailing emotion we experience for not being able to properly care for our LO and suggesting a care facility. I experienced it and many of the posters in this forum have experienced guilt. So what does one do? How long can a caregiver provide proper care to their LO without endangering their own health and mental wellbeing? It differs for everyone. I will say this; if you feel obligated to care for your LO, over time it can only bring resentment. Feeling resentful for being in this situation. Feeling resentful for not being appreciated for the care you’re giving. Feeling resentful for not having your own life. Being responsible for one’s care doesn’t mean being obligated. Being responsible means providing the proper environment for your LO. You admit, you can’t do that. So put your misplaced guilt in proper perspective. Placing your dad in AL not only frees you from the day to day responsibility, but provides the proper environment for him to live safely yet maintain his independence. You can no longer care for him so placing him in AL IS caring for him.

Way2Tired: Let's Make a Deal is still on tv.. I can't believe it either. Went to work late, and turned on TV... yup,,, it's still on with the audience dressed in costumes etc.
Is this your biological dad or stepdad? You mentioned he was always mean to you and mom. It really doesn't matter, but then you said he gave control to his siblings. Was this before you and mom, he did this? He doesn't remember. So, if he is still of sound mind, get him to make out a Living Trust, put you as POA. Talk with a paralegal or lawyer. look on this website about this stuff.

Who takes him to his doctor appointments? If he still drives, and you have the time, go to his appointment with him to see talk with his doctor etc.
In home care, is expensive. and if you don't have the right home insurance or an umbrella policy, any caretaker can claim "injuries" and sue your dad out of house and estate.. That happened to a couple I met. That was sad.
Things can happen in a split second.

In any event, do not feel guilty. Nothing is perfect. Nobody is perfect.
You have a lot of good responses to go through and think about.
I am just parroting what they are saying..

GUILT... Isn't that just fun? it seems to linger for a long time. :( I just need to get through it... a lil at a time, I will try to chip away at it...I'm getting there.

Good Morning! Boy did I need to read your post this morning. I have my Mother living with me, my son and his wife and their grandson. I had been living with them for a couple of years, and a major event in our family had to have her come live with us. I am 74 years old and my mom is 93. It is getting harder and harder to take care of her physically, mentally and emotionally. We have a few arguments over nothing since she has been here in front of my grandson who is 7 and he was crying hysterically. He does not see fighting in his home. The house is very small and we have her in a small bedroom that was my grandson's playroom. I am putting her in respite for 2 weeks on Saturday because the in-laws are coming to visit and there is no room. I feel guilty just for that, but she really needs to be in a home where they will give her therapy, maybe she can meet people, etc. She has been in rehab twice, the first one she hated, the second she loved because she had her own room and the third was a respite. I know my son really does not want her back here because it really upsets the family dynamic. My point is I feel guilty, guilty, guilty just for putting her in for 2 weeks. I can't imagine telling her she has to stay in a facility from now on. Any advice?

I have no guilt. My mom needs more help than I can provide. If we live a very long life most of us will have to go to a facility for help. She is safe, warm, well fed and generally quite happy.

Please realize that there should never be guilt for looking out for the best interests of another. Your dad is blessed to have you caring for him at all and wanting to help make wise decisions for his future. That’s advocating for him, you’d only be guilty of something if you didn’t care at all

I would try some rephasing. Take all the words about you out, about your job, moving to live in his house, him moving to yours. Feelings about his relatives being judgemental. Even about your childhood.

Let's see what is left;

I fear my father will soon need round the clock assistance.

Hmm 🤔 Actually that is about you too.

Fears of family judging you? Obligations because..?
Guilt (you described).
This is F.O.G.

Once you step out of the FOG & into the light - you will see that this is actually Dad's issue. Not yours.

He must decide what he will do.

People basically have 4 options in their senior years

1. Die "young", while still truly independent.

2. Ruin your family's life by insisting on staying at home, and them obliging your 100% unreasonable request.

3. Be super wealthy, and hire 24/7 professional care

4. Go into some sort of facility

Don't let him force you into number 2. It's often the children of terrible parents that feel some sort of twisted obligation stemming from childhood trauma to care for people that abused them as children. Move out and ER dump him the next time he winds up in the hospital.

Who has POA?

Many of them don’t want to go to AL.
Yes some may complain about missing their home or the food . But they are cared for , there is food, activities . Some adjust better than others . But you have to live your life .
The miserable ones like my mother will be miserable wherever they are and try to put a guilt trip . But she had people to talk to , she ate better , gained weight , and she was safe as opposed to living alone .
Sometimes you can only give them what they need , not what they want . What they want is to turn the calendar back about 25 years . Impossible .

Be firm with Dad "No Dad I will not be taking care of you. You need to go to an AL where there are people who can care for you." You may want to tell him why. But, he is probably a narcissist and u won't even get thru to him.

You may have to wait till something happens and he is in a hospital or rehab. You then ask for an evaluation for 24/7 care. If its found out he needs 24/7 care you tell them it will not be you who cares for him. He either needs to go to an AL if appropriate, or a Long-term facility. They can't return him home if there is no care for him there. I would not even try to set up 24/7 care in the home. Even a live-in needs time off. And the employment taxes that have to be paid.

You keep your home. You have a very good reason why you cannot care him.

Why oh why? Why do you have guilt? You've been a caring daughter.

Even your wording "I fear" is telling. What is to fear about having your dad cared for by professionals who know what they're doing? Whoever told you that assisted living is BAD? Assisted means help is given. Living means they're alive and hopefully enjoying every day! How is it good for your dad to be at home with you working and him sitting and watching TV all day in his dreary house with no one to talk to and nothing interesting happening? Assisted living has people around, things to do, little responsibility and fun.

Of course you are tired, and he wasn't nice to you and your mom. We owe nothing to people who treat us like nothing.

Your debt is paid, whatever it was. I, the Absolving Of Guilt Fairy, wave my wand over your tired body and equally tired mind and proclaim "ENOUGH!"
Don't suggest. Tell him. Tell him many times. You are not going to be doing this anymore. Help him find a good place. You decide it's a good place. Hey, anyplace with a bed and three meals a day looks like a good pace at this point. Off he goes. Off you go. Done.

So what about his family and what they think of you? Two choices there: Bundle him up and drop him on one of their doorsteps. Or go no contact with them because to you, they no longer exist. It works.

Your father sounds like an entitled, possibly misogynistic elder.

We owe our parents nothing but to live our lives and prepare our children to be self sufficient.

Tell your dad you are not his retirement plan.

And ignore your busybody relatives.

IF you have any lingering doubts that you should put your life on hold and care for your father 24/7, I would suggest you read my post (DH finally steps up!) and read about 3 senior citizen 'kids' who are trying to keep their 92 yo mother 'aging at home.'

If that doesn't resonate with you as the horror show that it is, I don't know what would.

I'm living this with my DH who has chosen to be taking care of his mother 24/7, along with his younger (age 67) sister. Their OB stepped in to 'help'. lasted for may 5 'shifts' and quit. So now it's just DH and SIL.

They are both completely burned out. My DH is so cranky and short tempered I can't stand to have him around. He retired and immediately began this caregiving routine. Any plans we had for travel or just relaxing this summer are GONE.

MIL demands that they care for her. She refuses every kind of outside help. She is in Hospice, but seems to have hit a plateau and isn't getting better, but is just so slowly getting worse. She could live months and months more.

Both my DH and his Sis are wracked with guilt even though they ARE caring for her to their own detriment. They will never put her in a NH.

CG for a pleasant, loving person is one thing. CG for a nasty, angry person is living a nightmare.

Please take care of YOU before you even consider caring for your father.

If you even WERE to quit your job, how on earth would you pay for your OWN retirement or care?

How about your own health insurance? Who would pay for that?

There are three shifts of people to take care of folks in managed care. How would you SLEEP, if you became your father’s caretaker?

These are questions that many elders don’t have solutions to, when they decide that their children will take care of them.

Best wishes to you.

Why should you feel guilty that dad requires more professional and round the clock care than you can provide? Is it your fault he's old and infirm? He's the one who should feel guilty for even suggesting it's your job to care for him 24/7 in the first place! AL is not some house of horrors that many make it out to be.....those who have no experience with it and equate AL to 19th century insane asylums or something, which is laughable. My parents AL was like a high end hotel, in reality, with 24/7 caregivers available to help them, doctors in house, lovely meals served and activities and entertainment galore. Even Happy Hour on Fridays w dancing to a live band. How awful, huh? 😂 Every elder should be so fortunate to be able to afford AL!

Change your mindset here and the message you send dad about his next stage in life. Remember that you're entitled to your own life too, one that's not tied down to full time caregiving, regardless of what dad expects of you!