Resentment....how do I not resent my father?

You and Dad both knew what was in store ... you both saw gma pass of this disease. I cared for my husband with dementia for 10 years, and I know a little about what might be in store for this diagnosis, too.

I don't know whether this is directly relevant to your question, but if I were to be diagnosed with dementia next week, knowing what I know now, I would have as much fun and pleasure as I could while I still had enough cognitive skills to enjoy it. What I have set aside for final expenses I would leave in place -- I wouldn't stick my kids with funeral expenses. I have long term care insurance. I wouldn't give it up, but I also know it is no longer enough to fully cover long term expenses.

And I would go on trips, while I still could. If necessary I would pay someone's way to accompany me, to help. I would eat out at nice places or I would cook fancy dinners, depending on my mood. I'd give parties, with the help of friends or paid help. In other words, I would do the things I enjoy doing, try to be happy, and share my happiness as best I could.

And I'm pretty sure that is what I would do, because that is the approach I took with my husband. I didn't think "We better not spend the money to go on this trip, or I will be that much poorer when he dies. Nope. I did what I could to make my husband's life pleasant. I would do the same for me."

Our kids did not seem to resent what I did for their Dad. Would they resent if I did the same for me? I don't know, and I know I could not control their attitude. But I'd do what I chose regardless of their attitude.

Regardless of what people are telling you, it is not your responsibility to take care of Dad now. You have some choices.
1) You can turn your back on him.
2) You can use his money and/or apply for Medicaid for him and see that the house is made safer. All the while you are doing this you can grit your teeth in resentment and make sure Dad knows he didn't make the choices you would have approved.
3) You can use his money and/or apply for Medicaid for him and see that the house is made safer. You can be glad for him, as he is dying from a fatal illness, that he had a good time as long as he could. You can go ahead and prepare for your own old age as best you can.

There are probably some other options. Whatever you decide to do, doing it with resentment will add unhappiness to the already challenging situation -- both for you and probably for your Dad. As I see it, if you are going to hang on to resentment, it might be better to pick option #1, and remove yourself from the situation.

(I sure hope my kids wouldn't pick that option!)

No, no. My advice is to do nothing about his house. Nothing at all. Those "professionals" are just looking for an easy solution to their own problem right now. They legally can't release him to any place that isn't "safe". So if his house is not "safe" he can't go there. And they are legally obligated to find a place he can go to.

The hospitalized elderly patient is one of the easiest ways to make the transition into needed alternative care - and you have a social worker RIGHT THERE whose job it is to negotiate the "jungle" of caregiving facilities.

Grit your teeth, look them in the eye and say "I can't do this".

It would have been nice if Dad could have planned a little and had some fun. Hmmm, part of me thinks good for him but a LOT of me feels so bad for you. It sounds like you are being strong armed (is that the right term?) by the professionals and Deeana's post sounds like good advice for you. Either way try and let some of the resentment go or it will eat you alive. I have been there.

Sometimes , too, I have noticed in myself -when I am sad and frustrated by a situation I will turn to anger instead of grief. It is NOT a healthy solution and can become a bad habit. It is just so much easier to be mad than sad--it feels satisfying but it can become exhausting. Just a thought.

I think I would have lived as much as I could, too, before I was no longer able to do much living at all...in your dad's shoes. Or my own. But knowing exactly what was in store for him after seeing his mom go through it...can you imagine some sort of panic or grief of that magnitude?

My advice would be to forgive him for choosing to spend his own estate BEFORE he died instead of someone else spending it after. I would bet your dad knows at least a little about the process of medicaid and the ownership of houses and where he is probably headed. While he is IN the hospital is the time to plan for nursing home placement paid for with long-term Medicaid insurance. They will either ask you to sell the house or recover it after he passes, but either way, his house will pay as long as it can in that sense but if he lives longer than that, he will still be covered.

The way your dad did it...you don't inherit anything...including debts or worry about his own spending...all debts that he incurred, if he did (I'm not sure I understood your post in all details)...are his and unless you signed stuff with him or there is a will that says you are indebted for his debts through the inheritance of his estate, then his debts leave when he leaves. He knew he wouldn't have to pay them. And he knew you wouldn't have to pay for him if you did things the right way.

Which is...tell them you have no resources or time etc, to make the house safe, nor the means to look after him when he moves back in...do just what Deeana said to do....do NOT take him home because then you are obligated to find a way to take care of him and it is so much easier to put someone in a NH under long term Medicaid if they are already in a hospital. I think even it's better with Medicare, too, in case there are things they might cover in the transition. You'd have to wait until he fell again or something, possibly hurting himself even worse. And if you cannot fix the house, they won't let him home, anyway. So what else can you do at this point, anyway?

What does he want to do? Is he in any shape to give an opinion?

I agree with those who point out that this is probably the easiest time to get Dad into some kind of long term care facility, such as memory care unit of a nursing home or ALF. I hope, though, that you do not feel forced into that decision any more than you should feel forced into the decision to prepare his home for him to return to.

Think carefully about what YOU want to do (within the realm of what is possible, of course -- what we all want is for our loved ones to be magically cured). If you weren't so bent out of shape about how Dad handled his diagnosis, what would you want for him at this point? Nursing Home? or Remaining at home as long as he could? And after you answer that as objectively as you can, then address the question of whether you can realistically set aside your resentment.

As I said in my first answer, if you feel stuck with the resentment, then taking this opportunity to get him into long term care is probably the best option.

I just don't want to see you backed into a corner where you "have" to do something you may regret later.

Maybe your dad spent his money solely being irresponsible or he knew what was ahead and went hog wild. Whichever, it's already done. But you do NOT have to be responsible for him even though he says you have to. My mom decided she was going to spend her money left and right and I told to go ahead but when she didn't have anything left, don't expect me to foot the bill. I wasn't going to quit my job to take care of her, she wasn't moving in with us either. She valued her independence and if she spent all of her money, she was going to lose it. I resented her for being selfish and irresponsible on one hand but knew I couldn't be responsible for her mistakes or I'd lose my sanity.

Could you clarify for us your father's housing situation? Your profile says he is living in your home, and here you say he has debt on his house. Details would help. Is he trying to be released to his house or yours?

Looks like You need to choose between the three options that Jeanne pointed out or, as Deanna pointed out let the state place him. Remember though he is most likely going to pass away soon. Choose wisely. He will deal with your decision a short while, you for the rest of your life. Let go of the anger. Decide with love whats in his best interest and in the interest of your relationship with him. Isn't it peculiar how ,in our youth, as we grow our common sense increases and how as we age it decreases?