How does a person ask Dr to say they can no longer be a caregiver because of their own health?

No doctor is going to do what you're hoping for so give up on that strategy. You cannot want him to protect himself more than him. He needs to believe that your marriage and future together is a priority. Have you told him what you told us? This is more like a marital issue rather than a caregiving issue. You seem to have no power in this situation except communicating your concerns and having clear boundaries that you defend (ie, you don't participate in the caregiving physically or financially).

FYI I've had a TKR (total knee replacement). It's not like this is some sort of terminal disease -- I recovered and went back to enjoying life in my early 60s. It took 3 months. So, maybe you suggest a *temporary* solution for his parents' care until he recovers (and no, you cannot be that substitute). Maybe during that hiatus he will come to his senses, or the extra burden on the other orbiters will force them to come to their senses as well.

Who is the PoA for his parents? Do they even have any of their legal ducks in a row? If not, I would encourage him to talk to the others about this because it will cause problems with their future care.

Your husband needs to say this himself. "I can no longer participate in Dad's care due to my own health issues. We need to find alternative care. If any of you object to this, then you can step up, step in, and take over my days of responsibility." In advance, he can contact the other family member who has the debilitating disease, and ask for an alliance.

No one can force your husband to provide this care. It has been his choice to participate, and it can be his choice to stop. He doesn't need a doctor to tell the truth for him.

It sounds like they are caring for the Dad in his own home -- is that correct? If so, the home can be sold to pay for their father's care in a facility, which it sounds like the Dad needs anyhow for health and safety reasons. If anyone in the family objects because they want the house or Dad's money as an inheritance, remind them that it is Dad's home, to be used for his benefit, and no one is entitled to an inheritance. And if someone still feels very strongly about keeping the house, he or she can buy it at fair market value so Dad gets the use of the money from the sale.

I wish you and your husband well with this. It's good of you to care about and advocate for him. Encourage him to speak up, and be there for him if any of his other family members cause trouble. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that the other family members feel the same way but have hesitated to speak up.

No, it isn't up to a doctor to dictate a competent patient's choices in life, even if they are bad choices. And your battling for this will only push your husband into the corner. He will be so busy battling you he won't listen to his own body. It is time to tell him "Hon, I worry about you and I want us to have many comfortable years left together. I am begging you to think about the options here, and I hope you find one that isn't going to mourn you. I love you so much, but if you kill yourself doing this when you know you shouldn't, I will wear red to your funeral. I won't say anything more about this. I know it must be your own decision. I love you."

What more is there to say, really?

Start with the joint replacement first. This may put him out of commission for a little while and maybe others will see that Dad cannot be taken care at home anymore. Maybe he and the other caregiver need to tell the rest of the family, they can no longer do this type of care. Time to place Dad.

“Has to” is not a has to, it’s a choice, a bad one that’s impacting your husband’s health, along with another family member’s as well. A doctor isn’t stopping this, your husband and his family need to firmly put a stop to it. Nothing to feel guilty about, they are simply unable to continue. A loving parent would not want their adult children sacrificing their own wellbeing doing this. It’s time for a backbone and professional care

Your spouse does not "have to" care for his dad. He's choosing to, when other alternatives exist. When he's ready to prioritize his own health and your lives together, he will use his own voice to resign from this thankless job. Setting down firm boundaries with others is a necessary part of adulthood, even when it's uncomfortable to do so.

Best of luck to you.

We've talked to the RN in the hallway of the doctor's office to relay info to the doctor. (While patient in little room.)

You'd be better off asking dad's doctor to recommend placement in a facility where dad's needs can be met. The doctor most certainly will do this. Then dad's safe, the rest of the family is off the hook, and everybody can get their lives back.

Dad is the one at the root of the problem. He can't help it, of course, but his failing health should not be dictating that everyone else ruin their own health also.

There comes a time when we've got to admit defeat! I cried for hours when I felt like I let Mom down, but I didn't. We're not perfect and we can't do everything! It's unimaginable but it's the truth. You might have promised Dad that he could stay in his home, but you didn't know the fact of being a caregiver at the time. You can't deny things will get worse and must take steps to place Dad in an experienced care facility. If you or any family members are POA it's your responsibility to make sure he's safe and cared for. Don't feel guilt ridden about something you need to do, think about how you get to go back to being the loving family member you used to be. It was a weight off my life when I placed my Mom and I didn't feel the pressure of juggling work, home and her. Many have said,"why didn't I do that sooner?" I didn't know, I just realized I was human and couldn't control what was to be. I did it out of love and I don't regret it.

It's tragic when a caregiver drives themselves into the ground. Is your husband receptive to a very honest discussion of your concerns? Don't hold anything back. Ultimately, it's up to him to establish boundaries for his own health and future. Sounds like it's time for FIL placement. I hope your husband hears you.

Your husband doesn't need a statement from his doctor to relieve him of his caregiving duties. Although, I'm sure if your husband simply asked, his doctor would be happy to confirm that he is unable to continue doing this job.

If the father's care needs have become more than the family members can provide, it is time to seek professional help, whether in-home care, or placement in a care home. It is dangerous for the family members to continue trying to do a job which is beyond their abilities. It is dangerous for the recipient, dad, as well.
No one should be trying to pick him up off the floor. They could both get seriously hurt! In a care home, he would have professional, experienced staff 24 hours to safely meet his needs.
Elders often object to going to a nursing home. Because it's not home. And they fear they will be alone, without family, in a strange place, and they may fear they will be neglected. But, these places exist to fulfill a need when families can no longer provide adequate care at home. Schedule a tour of a few homes in your community. You may find one you like.

As a daughter with serious ongoing health issues, I hear the guilt you're carrying asking if it's "okay" to not caregive anymore. I've wrestled with this since my mom had a stroke in August. Although I wasn't her primary caregiver (that was Dad), we saw pretty quickly when she had the stroke that I wasn't even going to be able to do backup caregiving. We all talked and made the tough decision that my parents would need to move into assisted living. It wasn't their ideal, it wasn't ours, but life has a way of getting messy. When we moved to our current city in the early 2000s, part of our reasoning was because my folks were here and we could help take care of them when they got older. We couldn't have foreseen that, 25 years later I would be in terrible physical shape and hubby would be overwhelmed with work and being "here" for me and dealing with his own parents' needs (they're 10 years younger than mine).

So this has been an incredibly difficult journey to make, and it will be for you, too. Prioritizing ourselves is non-intuitive when we love someone. Having to make the decision that I have to, for the most part, put my needs above my parents', who are in their 90s, feels wrong and awful. But it's what I have to do. My doctor didn't write me a note, but she did say, "You have to keep stress down, or you're not going to make it to be as old as they are. You need to draw some boundaries." And I'm doing that (and they don't respect them very well, but we're working on it.)

So advocating for your husband is NOT wrong -- it's the loving thing to do. He has the right to take care of himself (or be cared for, as necessary) and to not have to be in the mix of caregivers for his dad. If the other sibs won't step up, then the conversation becomes, "I'm sorry, we can no longer provide the caregiving tasks we once could. It's time to talk about putting Dad into care." If they don't like it, you may have to draw a hard boundary where hubby doesn't go and the other sibs figure it out for themselves.

Harming ourselves to help others sounds noble, but we are allowed to push back on that and care for ourselves. We just make sure the people we love have good care options so that we can both be okay. That's the loving thing to do.

Place your dad in a facility so you can take care of your spouse who is priority.

@Tabbytx, Here are three clear, practical scripts you may consider using with your husband’s doctor. Each one takes a slightly different angle, so you may choose what best fits the doctor’s personality and the situation.

Script 1: Direct and Medical-Risk Focused
Best when the doctor is clinical and risk-oriented.
“Doctor, I need your help protecting my husband’s health. His arthritis has worsened, he’s facing joint replacement, and the physical demands of caregiving are accelerating the damage. He is lifting, cleaning bodily fluids, and responding to falls. This is no longer medically safe for him.
I’m asking whether you can clearly document and communicate to him that continuing as a hands-on caregiver is medically harmful and dangerous and that he needs to stop these activities to prevent further harm.”

Script 2: Physician Authority as the Boundary
Best when the husband is resistant and defers to medical authority.
“Doctor, my husband is struggling to accept that his caregiving role is harming him. He listens to you more than anyone else.
Would you be willing to tell him directly, and put in writing if appropriate, that because of his arthritis and upcoming joint replacement, he must curtail or stop caregiving tasks that involve lifting, transfers, cleaning, and physical strain? He needs to hear this as a medical directive, not a family disagreement.”

Script 3: Functional Limitations and Documentation
Best when paperwork or family conflict is anticipated.
“Doctor, can we talk about functional limitations rather than just diagnosis? My husband’s caregiving requires physical tasks he can no longer safely perform.
Is it possible for you to document specific restrictions—no lifting, no floor transfers, no prolonged standing or bending—and state that these limitations prevent him from serving as a caregiver? Having this clearly documented would help us arrange safer care without putting his health at further risk.”

Here is a clean, doctor-appropriate follow-up note you may consider sending through the patient portal or bring to the appointment. It is firm, respectful, and medically grounded without sounding accusatory or emotional.

Dear Dr. [Last Name],
Thank you for taking the time to discuss my husband’s health and current limitations during our recent visit.
Given the progression of his arthritis and the physical demands associated with caregiving for his father, I am writing to respectfully request written documentation outlining any medical restrictions you believe are necessary at this time. Specifically, guidance related to lifting, transfers, prolonged standing or bending, and other physically strenuous caregiving tasks would be extremely helpful.
Clear documentation from you will allow us to make appropriate care arrangements and ensure that my husband does not continue activities that could worsen his condition or jeopardize his surgical outcome and long-term mobility.
Please let me know if this is something you can provide, or if there is additional information you need from us to support this request.
Thank you for your continued care and support.
Sincerely,
[Wife’s Full Name]
[Husband’s Full Name, DOB]

I would just call a family meeting, and discuss the fact that it is getting to be too much for all of you to care for your husband's Dad. Use your spouse and the other sibling as examples. State that it is time for your husband's Dad to go to a facility where they can provide the care he needs. Just state that your husband can no longer participate. If they want to continue on as is, then that is their decision. I don't think a note from the doctor is going to make any difference to them.