My spouse's health is being affected because he has to care for his Dad several days a week with other family caregiving the other days. He has a bad form of arthritis and needs a joint replacement surgery. He wouldn't be able to be a caregiver then. I'm not sure how to ask a Dr to state he can't be a caregiver any longer. Is this even an option? One of the other family caregivers has a serious debilitating disease as well. I feel guilty for trying to advocate for my husband but his physical health is deteriorating from the physical aspects such as picking them up off of the floor, cleaning up diaper issues, puke cleanup, cooking, cleaning, etc
Dad is the one at the root of the problem. He can't help it, of course, but his failing health should not be dictating that everyone else ruin their own health also.
Best of luck to you.
What more is there to say, really?
No one can force your husband to provide this care. It has been his choice to participate, and it can be his choice to stop. He doesn't need a doctor to tell the truth for him.
It sounds like they are caring for the Dad in his own home -- is that correct? If so, the home can be sold to pay for their father's care in a facility, which it sounds like the Dad needs anyhow for health and safety reasons. If anyone in the family objects because they want the house or Dad's money as an inheritance, remind them that it is Dad's home, to be used for his benefit, and no one is entitled to an inheritance. And if someone still feels very strongly about keeping the house, he or she can buy it at fair market value so Dad gets the use of the money from the sale.
I wish you and your husband well with this. It's good of you to care about and advocate for him. Encourage him to speak up, and be there for him if any of his other family members cause trouble. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that the other family members feel the same way but have hesitated to speak up.
If the father's care needs have become more than the family members can provide, it is time to seek professional help, whether in-home care, or placement in a care home. It is dangerous for the family members to continue trying to do a job which is beyond their abilities. It is dangerous for the recipient, dad, as well.
No one should be trying to pick him up off the floor. They could both get seriously hurt! In a care home, he would have professional, experienced staff 24 hours to safely meet his needs.
Elders often object to going to a nursing home. Because it's not home. And they fear they will be alone, without family, in a strange place, and they may fear they will be neglected. But, these places exist to fulfill a need when families can no longer provide adequate care at home. Schedule a tour of a few homes in your community. You may find one you like.
So this has been an incredibly difficult journey to make, and it will be for you, too. Prioritizing ourselves is non-intuitive when we love someone. Having to make the decision that I have to, for the most part, put my needs above my parents', who are in their 90s, feels wrong and awful. But it's what I have to do. My doctor didn't write me a note, but she did say, "You have to keep stress down, or you're not going to make it to be as old as they are. You need to draw some boundaries." And I'm doing that (and they don't respect them very well, but we're working on it.)
So advocating for your husband is NOT wrong -- it's the loving thing to do. He has the right to take care of himself (or be cared for, as necessary) and to not have to be in the mix of caregivers for his dad. If the other sibs won't step up, then the conversation becomes, "I'm sorry, we can no longer provide the caregiving tasks we once could. It's time to talk about putting Dad into care." If they don't like it, you may have to draw a hard boundary where hubby doesn't go and the other sibs figure it out for themselves.
Harming ourselves to help others sounds noble, but we are allowed to push back on that and care for ourselves. We just make sure the people we love have good care options so that we can both be okay. That's the loving thing to do.
FYI I've had a TKR (total knee replacement). It's not like this is some sort of terminal disease -- I recovered and went back to enjoying life in my early 60s. It took 3 months. So, maybe you suggest a *temporary* solution for his parents' care until he recovers (and no, you cannot be that substitute). Maybe during that hiatus he will come to his senses, or the extra burden on the other orbiters will force them to come to their senses as well.
Who is the PoA for his parents? Do they even have any of their legal ducks in a row? If not, I would encourage him to talk to the others about this because it will cause problems with their future care.
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