How do you weigh social distancing against isolation when making decisions about a loved one who lives alone?

Could you get an tablet so he could use Skype? In my family, which is much smaller, I am the only one around my dad right now. The others come to the door and yell in to him. There is only one case here too, now and hope it stays that way. They can always call him on phone.

Social distancing can be done just by avoiding groups larger than 10 and maintaining physical distance when you do get together. As long as you are all super vigilant not to let him visit if anyone in the house has a fever or cough and you maintain physical distance and avoid physical contact, I think you are doing everything you can do.
Maybe be extra careful when handling his cutlery, plates and drinking glasses, too. Or use paper products when you have dinner. Make sure no one touches them with unwashed hands.
Kids are often contagious when they have very minimal symptoms so I would advise keeping the children off him too.
He's 93. This could last for months. I'd try to keep the dinners if that's what he'd like to do.
We are all going to have to get used to this new way of doing things.

Let him decide, and then everybody accept his decision as far as he is concerned.

If others in the family have responsibilities to other seniors, however, they may need to stay away from him regardless in order to reduce the overall risk of transmitting the infection from one household to another. In that case, perhaps they can phone him as often as they would normally visit him?

Grandpad device may be used by all Consumer Cellular customers for family and friends to stay in touch! Certainly allow him to decide what is comfortable for him. I think your father-in-law will like this option. Although no device is a substitute for real people, it will ensure no exposure to illness and safer until this coronavirus crisis ends hopefully soon.

The device, called Grandpad, from Consumer Cellular is there for the higher risk individuals!

One good device, called Grandpad, is used by Consumer Cellular customers who may use AARP discount if they become AARP members. Large icons and video as well as voice in Grandpad's easy-to-use screen help all get connected 24 hours.

Use easy devices for hard of hearing and vision.

It seems that ‘social distancing’ involves reducing exposure to other people by 75%, keeping 2 meters separation, plus avoiding crowds etc. It applies to people over 70, including me and DH. It’s hard to get your head around.
Imperial-College-COVID19-NPI-modelling-16-03-2020.pdf

Much amused by the people out and about in our little city today (yes I did have to go in!). We'll have to invent a name for the Social Distancing Dance we do when going through shop doorways or standing at service counters - it's like bees' waggle-dancing. Nobody was panic buying, but *everybody* was complaining about everybody who did. I overheard three separate conversations about the Instagram post from an intensive care nurse who had just completed 48 hours on duty, went home via the supermarket because she hadn't eaten, and found the shelves stripped bare. She was understandably emotional about it.

(I expect the staff will have found her something. Our retail workers are utterly exhausted but they are being total heroes when it comes to small but important acts of kindness. Even my local newsagent: the owner noticed that his older, frailer customers were trying to open the door with their elbows, so he's told his team to keep the door wedged open and put a space heater behind their counter.)

I could have bought a packet of nine loo rolls. I only want four. I'm holding out for the non-jumbo stocks - but with three rolls and two boxes of Kleenex in the house, I might be facing a tense time.

I think for someone that age it means not being in the same room.

I can understand why he wants to come over. The problem is what is the rest of the family, including the younger ones, doing when not having dinner with Grandpa. He is essentially having dinner with all of the people that all of the family come in contact during the day. Extreme measures might be called for. This include washing food, and food packaging when it is brought into the house. Changing clothes that are worn outside immediately and cleaning shoes or leaving them outside. Yes, I know it is extreme but if everyone who lives in house is not practicing social distancing and good hygiene, then no one is. And you still might not keep him safe from virus. And if he is going out on his own, you don't mention if he is still driving, to stores, he might be picking it up on his own. He could get it anywhere and sadly, this is taking away from his enjoyment of his family. So maybe just be as careful as possible and talk to rest of family and insure they are all taking it seriously.

Call your local health authority or Board of Health for guidance or your father's MD. I'd think the suggestions about the grandpad thing are good, but you also might want to limit it to just a few family members who are also practicing isolation/distancing. Every time any of us goes out though...we could be potentially picking it up because we don't know where others we are near have been and there are not necessarily any symptoms showing for days...So practice the precautions suggested like handwashing and disinfecting for all, maintain the distance...check out the video by Mel Brooks and his son....short sweet and to the point...I live under the same roof as my elder parents..and actually felt it was my 102 year old father putting mom and me at risk by volunteering at Meals On Wheels where he has over 25 years...so he stopped even though his role had limited contacts...at least for now. I am isolating/distancing, but I'm going out sporadically...today to pick up Rx supply for them, a few groceries. PO. Getting take out for a friend's birthday I will drop at her door. Then hope not to go out for a week or so.

Yes we bought my parents a Grandpad! It’s great getting the family connected with video chat and photos. They all need to be invited and download the GRANDPAD app. One caregiver is the administrative leader. You need to have the right internet speed. Even though I’ve trained my parents (with dementia) several times they forget each time. Or don’t hear it ringing because TV on too loud!! Not sure on their own if they are enjoying the music and the games. It’s a great device!!

At that age he shouldn't be driving in my opinion.
Could you take him dinner and visit through a window or screen door? Visit on the phone, if gee has a computer, there's Skype etc.

Let him decide. He’s 93, he’s earned that right. He’s earned a say in how he lives, who he sees, and how he dies. For my father, who is much younger, I had a similar conversation. He was straightforward with me- he would die without staying social. He would spend his days largely in bed/asleep in a chair, his days would largely run one into the other, and with the reality that you can only call/interact so much over FaceTime or other virtual products, he would be left with many hours to fill- and only thoughts of loneliness and depression in supply. If left alone he would die.
Even if lockdown ended quickly, he explained, and he survived that time- the damage of being in isolation would linger physically, mentally, and emotionally; he does not believe he would recover.

Now- if it was your FIL, would you forgive yourself for ignoring his wishes, for his mental anguish as he spends his last days, weeks, or months alone, for his death during that time or soon afterwards- potentially never recovering from the time you chose to isolate him?

For some, isolation is an illness far worse than covid19, and just as likely - if not more so- to result in death.

'No contact' means 'no contact…..period. No one is 'isolated in these times' as long as they are able to dial a phone. BE SAFE AND KEEP OTHERS SAFE BY TOTALLY STAYING AWAY. MY 92-YR-OLD MOM WANTED TO 'GO ALONG' TO GROCERY STORE WITH HER SISTER BUT 'DIDN'T NEED ANYTHING'…SHE'S 'BORED'. I TOLD HER BEING BORED WAS 'PART OF THIS WHOLE THING', BUT AT THE END OF IT, HOPEFULLY SHE 'WOULD STILL HAVE HER LIFE'. I TOLD HER TO STAY HOME AND ANYONE BRINGING THINGS TO HER SHOULD LEAVE THEM AT HER DOOR'. PERIOD.

Marthy, an awful lot of people over 80 may be able to dial on a phone but they have terrible trouble with conversations.

And they were lonely to start with. If they are now watching tv and wondering how they are going to manage if they're forgotten about, it will cause real anguish. There *is* a balance to be struck.

Adding this to my previous answer for further consideration: even though my dad is younger, (60s), he has major health problems and fairly recent prior hospitalizations which I would say put him in the same category- even more high risk- than someone in their 90s.

when I first talked to him I was concerned he was blowing it off, until I pushed and he bluntly laid it out for me. He’d die either from the isolation or later from its lasting effects- and that it was ME who had a problem accepting that. Not him.
He accepts that this may be his end. He doesn’t want to die, but he has a right to live life and take the risks on his terms.

The problem is two fold, Dad could be spreading Covid-19 among the family as he goes from house to house.

My Mum is the definition of a Social Butterfly, she at almost 86 is rarely at home for a day. She volunteers, goes to Church, works out at the gym, Dragon Boat season was just about to start. She visits "old People" in care facilities and drives them to appointments. She has friends over or goes to friends homes at least 3 nights a week.

She is beside herself, trying to keep busy at home. She still is taking the dog for his walks, she can do that and avoid people. But she loves chatting with other dog walkers as much as the dog loves interacting with other dogs.

For your Dad is there anyway a family member could move in with him for the duration? That way he will have company all the time. The siblings can still drop off meals to him.

As a follow-up to my question, my FIL is adhering to this new requirement in New York State: "Governor Cuomo announced 'Matilda's Law' - named for the Governor's mother - to protect New York's most vulnerable populations, including individuals age 70 and older, those with compromised immune systems and those with underlying illnesses. The measure requires this group of New Yorkers to stay home and limit home visitation to immediate family members or close friends in need of emergency assistance. If it is necessary to visit such individuals, the visitor should get prescreened by taking temperature and seeing if person is exhibiting other flu-like symptoms. Both individuals should wear a mask for the duration of the visit."

We live in upstate New York which hasn't been hit as hard as the City so I'm relieved he made this decision for himself. Thank you for all your responses - stay safe and well!

Great answer, Tothill.

If I were in your shoes, I would let him come over. I would make sure everyone is wearing freshly laundered clothing. I would make sure everyone has washed hands and faces. I would set the table and countertops so everyone could eat a reasonable distance apart given the space.

One of my best friends from college lives on a cul-de-sac. She told me that around 5 pm, the neighbors bring lawn chairs out to their curbs and they socialize from a distance.

I also saw a picture of a nursing home where the residents were sitting in their open doorways playing bingo in the hallway.

We are being asked to practice social distancing, not social isolation. Social isolation is for people who have symptoms or who have returned from travel.

I've been meeting my (ex)father-in-law at the dog park. His wife of 65 years passed 2 weeks ago, so now that the funeral is over and the family members have returned home (most out of state and all in state relatives at least 2 hours away) This has been a particularly bad time for the social distancing, I don't want him to be alone, but I want him to understand how important it is for him to stay safe. It's not much but we meet and talk for about an hour on opposite ends of the park bench.

If your dad has metabolic syndrome, meaning if he has diabetes, hypertension, and cardiovascular disease, he is vulnerable to the virus. If his health is robust despite his age, from my understanding, he apparently is not at high risk.

(Friendly and loving social interaction is good for the immune system.)

For those arguing the possibility of putting others at risk:

-if every family member has appropriately limited exposure they are unlikely to have the virus, (shopped with masks and/or stayed distant, washed their face and hands after returning home and again after putting away groceries).
-if they are unlikely to have the virus, he’s unlikely to catch the virus
-if he’s unlikely to catch it then he cannot pass it

ie The risk you’re worried about isn’t really a risk at all. And the person can visit who they want.

Personally, I feel most people aren’t comprehending the gravity of the situation- why would 10 people in a room be acceptable? If he gets exposed to the virus statistics show it will not fare well for him. Make sure he has what he needs and leave it by the door.

Maybe now would be a good time for him to have an extended visit with one of the kids. The rest can try socializing online.

Wow! My 95 year old Mother is just the opposite, but probably because she has been single for almost 60 years. She is, however, watching too much news and thus obsessing over the perceived danger she is in as a result of her age. But her isolation is not getting to her otherwise, because she is a loner. What a difference from all other responses. She is pretty healthy, lives in a nice home with a deck and yard, and has a dog. I talk to her daily and see her every other day or so, bring her groceries and homemade goodies, make sure she is taking her meds, etc. We have only left her house two times in a month, once to the dog park and once to a winery -- keeping far away from other humans. We ourselves sit far apart, blow kisses hello and goodbye, and share news and events. I realize now that this is kind of a blessing for her being so alone and really only wanting the company of her daughters. Of course I often wish she did have other people in her life....

I don't know if it's warm enough where you live, but I like the suggestion that you meet him at a park. Anywhere outdoors where you can sit far enough apart would be great. Even in your (or his) backyard!
And if it's not warm enough to go out where you live, it will be very soon!
Personally, I wouldn't take the risk of having him over right now. You could also chat on FaceTime or one of the other video apps so he doesn't feel as lonely.

Please be VERY cautious. COVID-19 is ratcheting up every day.