I am a caregiver for both of my parents who still live in their own home. My mom had a stroke last year that affected her memory. She has gotten worse and I know it’s time to get her into a nursing home it’s the hardest thing for me to do. My parents both can’t get around very well and my mom is now lashing out at my dad and accusing him of sleeping with other women in the neighborhood, mind you he is 91 and can barely go to the bathroom. They have been married for 69 years and it makes me sad to see what is happening. I have a brother who lives here and will help if I ask but doesn’t see things like I do. My sister lives 7 hrs away and doesn’t come home very often. I worry about my parents 24/7 and I’m getting frustrated and resentful. It’s not fair to my husband that I come home from there and am always crying. I feel like I have no outlet and feel so guilty. I hate when people tell me how lucky I am to still have both my parents but I think, am I? This is not my parents anymore. They rarely get out and do nothing but sleep or watch tv all day. They both are hard of hearing and with my mom being so mean to my dad she won’t eat anything he gets her and she doesn’t take her medication unless my brother or I make sure she takes it. She is also diabetic and she doesn’t regulate that like she should. I try to go over there every day but sometimes I just can’t handle it. She has a nurse come once a week and I’m going there in the morning while she is there to talk to my mom about the next step and I’m dreading more than I can say but I know it can’t go on this way. Sorry to go on and on but I know some of you might be able to relate. I just think she won’t understand what we are saying and meaning as she is in a fog most of the time. It would be so much easier if she would say I agree it’s best for me to be somewhere where I can be on a schedule. But to be honest I think she will just give up in a nursing home.

Or she will thrive because she is on a schedule and getting proper food.

Not to be cruel but would it be better if you died from a stroke or a heart attack trying to care for someone that needs 24/7 care?

It has to be stressful on your dad as well.

Unfortunatly some people need facility care and that is just a fact of life.

Find a place they can move together and have loads of help but make sure they can be separated if the level of care or aggression becomes more difficult.
Getting an assessment for placement will help tremendously, mom might even end up in a psychiatric hospital to get her stabilized.

We can only do our best, no guilt. She needs more care than she can get at home.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal

Sounds like there is not much to "discuss"
They both need help.
You can not do it all.
the discussion should be with your siblings to get their input. The Where will we place them. The when should we move them.
Who is POA for health and finances?
Is this something they can afford?
Will you have to apply for Medicaid for both of them?
Will you be placing both of them in Assisted Living or both in Memory Care?
Lots of questions.
Bottom line is you can not take this all on yourself. So to begin the discussion with your siblings tell them that you can no longer continue the way that you have. It is not fair to you or your family. So they have an option they can step up and take over what you have been doing or you find a place that will take your parents. Either Memory Care or Assisted Living. The employees are trained to get people to take meds, they can diffuse a situation so if your Mom starts lashing out at Dad they can handle it.
Your other option might be to have a paid caregiver come in and so some of what you have been doing. That would give you a break but still keep them in their home. (as long as they are safe in their home)
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Reply to Grandma1954
MoBryan Feb 27, 2019
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I really don't understand it when folks say "oh, my parent/loved one will die if they go to a nursing home.

That has not been my experience. The elders I've known who've gone to NH NEEDED that level of care.

My mom gained weight and learned to walk with a walker; eventually, she progressed to needing a wheelchair, but she was able to paddle herself around in that.

My mentally ill, demented WWII uncle, who had terrorized his wife and adult children while living at home was finally transferred to a MC care facility and eventually a Veteran's NH. He was the life of the party! Properly medicated, he became somewhat mellow and stopped threatening to kill my cousins.

I think you need to follow grandma's list above and just get it done, before YOU crash and burn. ((((((hugs)))))))
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
anonymous763470 Feb 28, 2019
I’ve had the same experience with my mom. She is thriving in memory care and loves it. And I have my life back.
Have you and brother talked to your dad about wanting to move your mom?
You might find that the separation will be hard on him. It’s a catch 22 sometimes.
I wouldn’t talk to mom about it. If she has dementia she will only hear that you are taking her away from her home.
I think you are overwhelmed and not thinking too clearly yourself. Very understandable.
She’s not going to switch from dementia to clarity just because you have a nurse there with you.
Can your parents afford to private pay for care? If not, are they already on community Medicaid?
Has her doctor indicated that she is medically eligible for a nursing home or will she need to go to an AL facility?
its hard to make suggestions without knowing where you are in the process. You talking to the nurse might be helpful but if your mom has dementia, I’m not sure what good will come of it. Talk to her doctor to see where she is medically.
A certified elder attorney can help you figure out the financials.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to 97yroldmom
MoBryan Feb 28, 2019
My dad has been mentioning about nursing home for awhile so I think he will be ok with it as he is frustrated and upset to see mom like this. I’m sure it’ll be hard on him to be separated but he can no longer help her.
I did talk to the dr about it and she thinks nursing home is where she needs to be and maybe if mom gets her meds and regular meals it will help. I know I can’t keep this pace and be well myself.
They are not on Medicaid and their finances are not great and that is my concern. I know I need to look into all this and really don’t know where to start but will find out. Thanks for the concern and suggestions.
You are getting excellent advice here, please take it! will provide you with a world I’d info, and if you call your local chapter a real human will speak with you!
I found the Support groups to be especially helpful, I attend 3. I feel understood and validated in those communities, and have learned so much from these new friendships.

Take care of yourself first! We’re rooting for you!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to anonymous763470

I agree with 97yroldmom's comments. It doesn't sound like a "discussion" with your mom will be productive. At some point, we have to take on the "mom" (or dad) role and make the decisions for our elders. I would start looking for a good place for her and if/when the time comes, you come up with a plausible destination/excuse and take her there.

It is good that dad is okay with this. Reassure him that he can visit often, if he so chooses. Caring for her is hard enough for him, but to have to put up with the verbal abuse, which he likely cannot understand why mom does this, will wear him down even more!

Doc is in agreement and suggests NH, so that's a plus. Some NH also have MC units, which she may need - if she isn't really mobile, perhaps regular NH would be okay.

Absolutely recommend you find an Elder Care attorney (preferable with good Medicaid skills!) and consult with him/her. Usually a first visit (~hour) is free, so draw up and/all questions beforehand! There are many questions and issues to deal with. If either parent is beyond capability to sign contracts, hopefully someone already has POA (medical and financial.) If they own their home, that will have to be dealt with (EC atty should know all the Medicaid rules and can explain what needs to be done. Medicaid won't take their house, car, any/all assets or force dad to move - but best to get the real scoop from EC atty.)

Moving dad can likely wait for a while - let the dust settle in dealing with mom first. If need be, have brother do a trial visit, a week or two, and see how it goes. He might improve some when not under verbal assault!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to disgustedtoo

All of the above is great advice. It comes down to safety. A comprehensive memory evaluation would help in hr treatment plan and the physician, with you, would determine what steps to follow to create a better outcome. It is not easy, but you have to do what is best for all of you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to SueC123

Hold the phone. Your mom is a diabetic. Okay. She lashes out at your father. Alrighty then. A nurse comes to see her ONCE A WEEK?!? REALLY??? Girl, the only thing you can do now is put both of them in either a NH.....or AL. Don't say anything to them, just do it. For all of your sakes, just do it. They need this and so do you. Also, please call the Alzheimer's Association. They'll be a HUGE help. I know bc I use them.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to mmcmahon12000
caltink Mar 3, 2019
How do you get them into the car to go to the AL or NH?
Caltink, you tell them that you're taking them to lunch.

You arrange with the facility to arrive at lunch time. One person sits and eats when them while someone else sets up their new living space.

Most facilities will help you make a plan for this transition.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

Many good answers and suggestions have been offered.
My take on the high points:
Don't discuss with her.
Take her to the home. Tell her the doctor is going to check her health out for two weeks so she has to stay.
Visit often at first and be prepared to stay overnight the first night.
Thank God for the many good suggestions from forum members.

Grace + Peace,

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Reply to OldBob1936

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