How do you take a dog away from a person with dementia?

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My mom has a dog and she is putting the dog in danger and herself but refuses to give the dog up. She is feeding food he cannot eat that is cauing allergies and bathing him at all hour of the night falling and not saying anything leaving the dog in the bathtub and sometime put him outside and forget he is out there. We must find a way to take the dog away before she or the dog gets hurt really bad.

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It's sad that this so called friend took what could have been a good arrangement that was beneficial for all parties and ruined it. It sounds like her must have some kind of addiction or mental health issues.
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It is hard to believe you are not making this up.
However, if you are for real, I am sorry for you for allowing yourself to be a doormat. Everyone here will tell you the same thing. You need to get out now and move to the Y or a homeless shelter. Get help for yourself.
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A "friend" asked me to take over his responsibilities as caregiver for his 91 yr. old Mom, so that he could open a restaurant. He knew that I was homeless at the time so he offered room & board plus $300.00 per wk as compensation. Also note, i I was expected to be available 24/7 but he would "try" to afford me one day off per week. He also knew that I had no experience with this type of care and add to that, she was very resentful of my presence and refused to let me assist with toileting/ bathing/changing clothes.
He gave me a vague idea of what was expected of me at the start so I researched everything I could find regarding elder care and job descriptions. Did my best to keep up but I became exhausted because she didn't stay asleep and got out of bed constantly through the night. He hired another caregiver who she was comfortable with to shower her 3 times a week...he paid her $120.00 per week for a total of 6 hrs of work...well earned, I'm certain but I am expected to clean house, all laundry including his, all shopping and cooking. Also asked for sex trying to disguise it by calling it a romance. HAH! He is rarely home but starts demanding I follow additional "rules" out of the blue. Crosses boundaries, like my privacy, and talking to me with absolutely no respect. Raging tantrums and unreasonable expectations. Soon he tells me he cant pay me this week ...bad month at the restaurant. I soon realize he is using her funds to keep his business going but its only mos. and sinking fast. Promise to reimburse everything i spend of my hard earned pay because he cant provide enough up front to cover food, household products, Depends, medications and vitamins...etc. I am also trapped because my car doesn't run. The only vehicle available for me is a huge diesel truck that mom cant get into and I'm not supposed to leave her alone.
Then suddenly he accuses me of neglecting her..which couldn't be more untrue. I cant leave at this point, dead car and no money left to fix it. Yes, the more I insisted on reimbursement, the worse he got with new accusations and temper tantrums. I dont know where he coming from because it now 10 months, Mom is thriving (but still says she doesnt like me) and since he found a girlfriend he returns home for clothes once a week. He then decides to be the best caregiver ever for his mom because he walked away from the restaurant he opened less than a year in. Quite th businessman right? He walked away after disolving almost ALL of her very substantial asset accounts. Now he wants me to care for mom when he needs to be gone and help him sell this house because "he's broke". I am still trapped here although a dear friend paid for my car repairs, tags, etc. But he refuses to pay me or reimburse me for money I've already earned and spent on Moms care and this household, until the house sells. I have all receipts for what i spent and notes on all the weeks he short paid me. Also note that he hasnt missed paying the woman who does her showers EVER. And has never ever treated her with an ounce of disrespect.
A couple of days ago, I had to call the police because he started throwing a temper fit and throwing my belongings in the trash. The police told him what he had to do to evict me from this house. This is all coming at me from a so called friend who made promise after promise including this one " Susan, you will always have a place to live no matter what."
Welcome to my nightmare...
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A "friend" asked me to take over his responsibilities as caregiver for his 91 yr. old Mom, so that he could open a restaurant. He knew that I was homeless at the time so he offered room & board plus $300.00 per wk as compensation. Also note, i I was expected to be available 24/7 but he would "try" to afford me one day off per week. He also knew that I had no experience with this type of care and add to that, she was very resentful of my presence and refused to let me assist with toileting/ bathing/changing clothes.
He gave me a vague idea of what was expected of me at the start so I researched everything I could find regarding elder care and job descriptions. Did my best to keep up but I became exhausted because she didn't stay asleep and got out of bed constantly through the night. He hired another caregiver who she was comfortable with to shower her 3 times a week...he paid her $120.00 per week for a total of 6 hrs of work...well earned, I'm certain but I am expected to clean house, all laundry including his, all shopping and cooking. Also asked for sex trying to disguise it by calling it a romance. HAH! He is rarely home but starts demanding I follow additional "rules" out of the blue. Crosses boundaries, like my privacy, and talking to me with absolutely no respect. Raging tantrums and unreasonable expectations. Soon he tells me he cant pay me this week ...bad month at the restaurant. I soon realize he is using her funds to keep his business going but its only mos. and sinking fast. Promise to reimburse everything i spend of my hard earned pay because he cant provide enough up front to cover food, household products, Depends, medications and vitamins...etc. I am also trapped because my car doesn't run. The only vehicle available for me is a huge diesel truck that mom cant get into and I'm not supposed to leave her alone.
Then suddenly he accuses me of neglecting her..which couldn't be more untrue. I cant leave at this point, dead car and no money left to fix it. Yes, the more I insisted on reimbursement, the worse he got with new accusations and temper tantrums. I dont know where he coming from because it now 10 months, Mom is thriving (but still says she doesnt like me) and since he found a girlfriend he returns home for clothes once a week. He then decides to be the best caregiver ever for his mom because he walked away from the restaurant he opened less than a year in. Quite th businessman right? He walked away after disolving almost ALL of her very substantial asset accounts. Now he wants me to care for mom when he needs to be gone and help him sell this house because "he's broke". I am still trapped here although a dear friend paid for my car repairs, tags, etc. But he refuses to pay me or reimburse me for money I've already earned and spent on Moms care and this household, until the house sells. I have all receipts for what i spent and notes on all the weeks he short paid me. Also note that he hasnt missed paying the woman who does her showers EVER. And has never ever treated her with an ounce of disrespect.
A couple of days ago, I had to call the police because he started throwing a temper fit and throwing my belongings in the trash. The police told him what he had to do to evict me from this house. This is all coming at me from a so called friend who made promise after promise including this one " Susan, you will always have a place to live no matter what."
Welcome to my nightmare...
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Deirdrenardi, I hope others will see your question, as it is on the end of an older post. If you don't get many responses, you might start a new thread and see if that helps.

I encountered your issue with my cousin who has dementia. She loved her cat dearly. It was the most important thing in her life. The problem was that her dementia caused her to obsess about the cat. It had to be in the same room with her at all times, she was terrified the cat could escape through a crevice the size of a pea, she grew very anxious and it stressed the cat out to the point that it was spraying and not using its litter box. She would not leave the cat alone for even a minute. My cousin had to enter into Assisted Living because she could not care for herself, according to her doctor. It was obvious.

I explained that I would care for the cat while she was in AL getting rehab. She was very upset to part with the cat, but I took photos to her and comforted her. Not long after that, she stopped asking about the cat. If I mentioned it, she would smile, but not ask any questions. I had to return the cat to the no kill shelter that she had adopted it from years previous.

A year later and she has NO memory of her cat. I hang photos of cats in her room in the Memory Care Unit and she smiles, but she has no idea that she had one. To me, the welfare of the pet has to come first. It sounds like your mom is unintentionally harming the dog. If she were thinking clearly, she would not want you to allow that. I say go with any story that works. I would try to avoid stressing your mom, so I might say the dog needs grooming and will be back later, but you know what your mom would accept.
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Its a horrible decision to have to make. I adore my dogs. (1 1/2 and 5 1/2 years old) At 70, I worry constantly what would happen to them if I were to get dementia. I plan to write instructions for my daughters to make arrangements if they outlive my ability to care for them.
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I have an 87 year old mother with dimentia in a lovely memory care home. She was able to bring her small dog with her which I believe is saving her from completely melting down there. She is able to bring the dog to most activities. However we have a dog walker 3x a day, and mom forgets that the just went out an hour ago, gets anxious and insists on taking the dog out. She has even struck a nurse trying to stop her. All of her anxieties and aggressions stem from having a dog. Surely the dog is stressed as well. She also drags the dog by the collar, not trying to hurt her, but even so. We have someone who will take the dog and has raised this breed for years. The dog would have another dog as a companion. But I know it will break my mom's heart. However it is likely she will forget after a while. We were thinking of saying the dog has to have an operation and her granddaughter is going to care for her while she recovers. Hoping she will stop asking.
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I struggled with this for nearly a year. Mom had two elderly dogs who were both going on the floor in the living room where I sleep at night. A friend said to me, "The insanity is not that she's letting it happen, but that you are. I said it would kill her and he said that no, it would make her mad, but it wouldn't kill her. That woke me up. When I went down that night, I said, "Mom, I know how much you loved your Mom. Would you have let her live month in and month out in urine and feces?" "She looked right at me and replied that she would not. I took them to a rescue shelter the next day abd they were "elder-dog adopted" together.
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Thanks, the dog is an elderly Jack Russell (still high energy) who would immediately rip something like a diaper off - of that I'm 100% sure or I would have already tried going that route. Also, Memory Care staff are not paid to change doggie diapers or for that matter clean up the dog messes which they have begrudgingly been doing for the last 6 mos. My question is not how to cope with the soiling problem (because I think they are deliberate due to high anxiety), but how best to make the separation of the dog from my mom. It has been suggested by staff that we tell mom that the dog is at the vet. Mom has extremely short-term memory and this will work for awhile but not on a long-term basis. I guess I am looking for a miracle.
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PamelaN, there are dog wee-wee pads that one can buy at any pet store... hopefully the dog can learn to use one of those pads. I know this sounds gross but have your Mom or the Staff save a tiny bit of poop from the dog's last accident, then when your Mom gets those wee-wee pads, put the poop on that pad... that way the dog will smell that it is his/her own poop and will start using the pad. Yes, one can teach an old dog new tricks :)
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