My MIL (91) has Alzheimer’s. She moved in with us this year (my husband and I both retired December 31st - yes, we really messed up our retirement within three weeks of starting it). We did it for all the “right” reasons. On top of that, we have the moral high-ground over other family members who refused to take her - yeah, ask me how that’s working out for us! It’s not that I don’t love my MIL - there are times when she is a sweetheart, but there are times when I am seriously doubting my own sanity. She pee’d all over the house in the first two weeks she was here (yes, we use incontinence pads, she lowers them to pee on the floor then pulls them back up). Solution, we got a motion sensor. Great, no more “accidents” but now, I am up four (minimum) times a night with her wandering around and needing the toilet. I’m working on an average of 2-hrs sleep a night for the past eight weeks. That is an indicator of where I am emotionally, but it isn’t the problem. She treats me (actually is convinced) that this is a nursing home and I am staff. She orders me around with a very disrespectful and nasty tone. She is convinced my husband is hers (no matter how many times we try to convince her otherwise) and thinks I am the hired help trying to steal her man. It was mildly amusing to start with - we didn’t really think she believed that, but as time has gone by, it is becoming downright creepy. My husband doesn’t want to be left in the room with his mother because she gets very inappropriate.
Add to that the belligerent attitude, the constant (CONSTANT) complaining and the way she expects me to jump when she says so - it’s making me crazy. We humour her every whim - my husband won’t ever push back, I try but she tells me she’ll report me to my supervisor if I don’t do what she wants. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and there is no end in sight - this has to be the healthiest 91-yr old in history - apart, of course, from the disease slowly eating her brain. I feel like it’s eating mine too. And it is blowing our once happy home apart. My husband and I snip and gripe at each other all day long. I never thought we would be here so soon into caring for her. I don’t think anyone can tell me it will improve, but lie to me please - I need some hope.
And I'll just say it. It kinda sounds like you guys are a bit (or a lot) in over your heads, as they say. And, that's ok. There's such a learning curve to all of this. One thing I've learned? I want to make sure my mom is taken care of, emotionally, physically, financially, etc. And I'll never give up on doing that. But when I became unable to provide that care myself, and when changes were made? Turns out, it all worked out ok. I knew for the longest I was in over my head, but until it actually changed, and I look back, it wasn't until then I realized the insanity of what I was trying to do.
All the best of luck, my friend.
Somewhere in the past, you made the Noble Promise to her or to the family not to put her in a facility, correct? You viewed what was to come when she moved in with you through rose-colored glasses. Now you’re suffering the harsh realities of life controlled by dementia. I’m sure she would be absolutely mortified if she could have predicted the future and see herself as she is now.
You have a choice. You can gamble with your future and her’s and keep things status quo. Or, you can sit down with your husband and his family if he has any sibs and admit that this isn’t working out. Sure, you can import in-home health care. You can send her off for respite care once every few months so you and hubby can reconnect with each other. You can delegate some of the nighttime potty trips and other care responsibilities to him. You can take her to the doctor and have her meds adjusted. But, 90% of the time it will still be the three of you. You are doing the work of three shifts of trained caregivers around the clock
How long you can tolerate this situation is up to you and your husband. It’s ok to admit defeat and say “we can’t do this anymore. We gave it the old college try and it didn’t work.” She can’t help who she has become but that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own lives for her.
I ask because my mom, age 93 has this issue as well. She uses the pads during the day. She likes Poise #6 during the day and pull ups at night for sleep. She sleeps better, therefore we sleep better.
It’s great that you love your MIL. I loved mine too. She died years ago from lymphoma. But sometimes love is not enough. I am not sure I would be up for doing the job you are doing caring for your MIL. I am not telling you what to do. That’s your choice. You are wise to reach out for help.
Do you see yourself doing this for awhile in the future? People live so much longer these days. How does your husband feel? Have you looked at facilities in case you are unable to continue home care? I care for my mom at home with Parkinson’s disease but she doesn’t have ALZ. I think ALZ is harder. I am stressed with what I have to deal with and I am very tired, 14 years and counting!
What does her doctor say about home care vs a facility? Do you think she needs her meds changed? There are so many others on this site with experience with ALZ. They will point you in the right direction. Best of luck to you and your family and I sincerely hope you are able to receive help soon. Have you called your local council on aging for advice? Maybe start there.
Hugs!