How do you stop someone else’s illness driving you crazy?

I'm so sorry to hear about your problem. I recently went through the agonizing decision to place my 96 yr old healthy mom in a nursing home instead of bringing her home to live with me. I can say it was the best decision I made not only for her but for my family. The aging process is cruel sometimes and I don't think that your mom really wants you to be miserable. I would find a nice place that will take care of her needs and visit her often.

OMGosh - of course you're being driven crazy! Alzheimer's care is needed to be done by medical professionals! You say she's healthy. NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!! Get her out of the home before she #1 starts wandering, #2 grabs vehicle keys and starts driving, #3 sets the house on fire, #4 picks up a knife and comes at you, etc. Her mind is ill and she cannot help it. I'm not going to lie to you and say it's all going to be peaches and cream! It's going to get WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY worse! I don't know how you've managed on 2 hours of sleep/night per 8 WEEKS! Good grief.

GET HER INTO A NH ASAP before she drives you crazy - you [+ possibly hubby] are sleep deprived so of course you & hubby are sniping at each other because there is a 91 yo acting like a 2 yo - basically you tried but your health is more important in the long run

On a practical point there are specialized clothing that does up in the back that she can't get out of without assistance - they are 1 piece jump suits - I got some different stuff for my mom at 'SILVERT.COM' but saw a lady at her NH that wore them so that she wouldn't undress - if you can't find what you want there try the internet -

Also get child's monitors & an alarm that will go off when she opens her door - good luck

Learn some deep breathing exercise and hide with headphones on. My MIL IS 97 we have been living with her for 6 years, 10 of her not driving. I would have warn you to run, but to late. Like most people wrote me was to get extra help maybe she has insurance that covers a few hours a week. Or like some say to step back, but really how could you. If possible have your husband tell her there moving...( into a home lol) then let him divorce her. Good luck because the stress slowly kills.

You should check with her doctor or call your local Senior Affairs (whatever they maybe called in your area.) and see if there is any support help you can get locally.
There are groups that will send volunteers to sit with her and give you a break.

I love how people throw out the "Just stick them in a home." answer... For some people it's not that simple and those people have their reasons for doing what they're doing when it really comes time and a doctor highly recommends it then I'd consider it until then maybe show a bit more support and a bit less of the insensitivity.

SJLSJL - Do whats right in your heart, keep in touch with your MIL's doctor or doctor's and get their opinions and listen to the options they suggest, it's not easy.
Depending on the state you reside there are a few that have Caregiver Aid and Acts to help you in this situation your local Senior Affairs office should be able to help with all the paperwork, speak with a healthcare worker (Nurse or Doctor) and they should be able to point you in the right direction.

I personally didn't know anything about a Caregiver Aid until I started poking around and placing phone calls.
In FL it's called "SHINE" or Senior Connections Center they'll help you as much as they can, I believe most states have something similar so start with that.

You MUST get help. Start with a visit to her doctor for evaluation and tell him/her exactly what you have told us. She needs professional care in a facility equipped to provide it, maybe with a "respite" visit for a week or two to give you and husband a much needed break. If finances are an issue, you can get good advice from your aging facility in the town you live in. Please don't delay because your own sanity depends upon getting help. Remember if you cave in you will not be able to help take care of anyone.

First of all, you do NOT deserve this treatment and you must immediately put a stop to it by whatever means are available. She obviously has physical and worsening mental conditions and I assure you they will get much worse. She has already disrupted your lives - why on earth did you allow this in the first place? And your husband won't fight this situation. You are being destroyed by this woman - why? Because she won't stop and she is with you. Your relationship with your husband is being harmed. Now get tough and get help. SHE CANNOT STAY WITH YOU IN YOUR HOME. She must be placed soon - no if's, and's or but's. I don't care who the patient is and the relationship, once it affects the remaining family who is the caretaker - then it has to stop and they must go. Never, never can this not happen.

Your mother in law won't improve, but the manifestations of the illness will progressively change.  I've seen passive turn to belligerent and back to passive again. I've seen recognition come and go as well, although it never returns to normal.  Things seemed to change with mom and other relatives about every 6 months or so.  A new behavior would appear off and on until it became the new normal.  Then that symptom might disappear to be replaced by something new and different.  No one can predict the progress of the illness in any one person.  And just when you think you've come up with a creative solution for one thing, the next unexpected issue springs to life.

However, regardless of how committed you are to taking care of those you love, it will take more than two people to meet all of the needs, particularly if care is required 24/7.  Unfortunately, caregivers who are over 60 may suffer stress and exhaustion from trying to "do it all," such that they may become ill or injured in the process.

You need balance and you need it now. I'm not sure if funds are at stake that you're trying to preserve for later use or if the opposite problem of lack of funding exists. It also sounds as if you are good, principled people who consistently try to do the right thing but are now in over your heads.  It's easy to begin to drown without realizing that it's happening.

Find out how much money you have to work with and determine what you can and cannot physically do on a daily basis.  Meet with an elder care attorney, an accountant if necessary, and a geriatric internal medicine physician to discuss possibilities which can range from having someone come into the home, engaging respite care away from home either in memory care or adult day care centers, and moving her into memory care altogether.  And although hospice might not accept her, they might, so it can't hurt to have an evaluation.  They can help with equipment, supplies, medicines related to the illness, bathing, regular checkups and intermittent babysitting in the home for a couple of hours at a time.

It's important to be honest with yourselves, the rest of the family and the geriatric internal medicine physician regarding your hopes and your limitations. The worst that can happen is for either you or your husband to become incapacitated and for all of you to go down together with the ship. 

You're not alone, but each of us is unique to our own situation.  Be as loving and principled as you can be to yourselves as well as to your mother in law, make the best decision you can for the moment (remember, things change), work hard to meet those obligations while continually evaluating the reality of the situation, and afford yourself the same understanding that you give to others.  

Bless you.

SJLSJL
I can relate to your situation. I quit my job in 2014 because my husband and I wanted to travel prior to relocating my mother to the state we live in, because it was evident that she was suffering from a cognitive impairment. Those plans were short lived because she came to our state for a relatives funeral 1 week before my final day of work and she became ill during that visit and required a 4 day hospital stay. I realized that she no longer needed to live alone and she had to be relocated immediately. We cared for my mother in our home for 4 years until she became angry, aggressive, incontinence (bladder and fecal) delusional, hallucinating, wandering and very uncooperative (medication helped some but not enough). I finally realized that I could no longer care for her and I placed her in assisted living memory care August 2018. My mother is still struggling with the behaviors of dementia but I know that I made the best decision for all involved because I could not have continued to be sleep deprived and care for her appropriately. My mother and I were best friends before Alzheimer's/Dementia robbed her and prior to placing her I really didn't want to be in the same room with her. Ultimately you and your husband must make the best decision for you and your family.

In reading all the replies, which I agree with, the one thing I didn't see was Hospice. I never thought of it because I knew he was not within the 6 month window I thought Hospice covered. I was wrong about what they can do. My doctor suggested it was time to contact them and find out what they could do. We just signed up and I already feel better about my keeping my husband at home for much longer. They are picking up all medicines related to his dementia and pain and will have them delivered to the house. There will be a nurse who visits weekly to monitor how he is doing and make sure we have everything we need. There will be a CNA out two to three times a week to handle the bathing (which has become very difficult). They will be providing us with a transit chair because the wheel chair we have is getting too heavy for me to handle. They are even picking up the cost (and delivery) of the depends he needs. All of this is with NO charge. They have a number that is staffed 24/7 that I am encouraged to call if his behavior becomes too difficult, if the pain is not being controlled, or if there is a medical issue that concerns me. I think he has a few more years in him and knowing this service is starting now and will care for him throughout is a great load off my mind.

This is how I came to be on here. I had my MIL come to our farm and she was 90. She had a great mind. We had hospice over and done. Not for long and it was fine.
My Mama has Alzheimer's and mixed dementia. We muddled through for 7 years and I was pretty much a crazy lady. After listening to everyone here, as soon as she had a fall, off to the E.R. from there to rehab and my story is all crazy and on here lol! Now it is 2 1/2 years later and she is in a nice M.C. It took 3 trips to a geriatric psych. hospital and 1 change of MC units.
My life is still all about her but I have a life again with my husband. The MC is about 50 miles away but all we have is 2 little rest homes in our town. She walks fine with no walker. They keep her busy and washed and I still feel guilty. I also know it is the only way I would have survived. Please listen to these people because they have lived this too. Grace and Peace, Love Boots

Make your bathroom into a rainforest tropical paradise with lavender jasmine oils eucalyptus and carry with you a radio with the wind, sea, rain sounds or put it on YouTube and regroup. And then do the same for her with chamomile tea. Pray and Sing yourself happy and recite your script: I am lovely and beautiful and determined I will not let this get the better of me. Then smile at yourself in the mirror until you see the twinkle in your eyes and feel rejuvenated.

Praying 🙏 with you to maintain your sanity, patience and the goodness in your heart and your husband too. Try not to punch her or kick 😂 her @$$.
I get it. Thanks for sharing. Dimentia, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, Huntington's and other conditions that cause dysfunction and malfunction in the brain are so horrible. I believe that my mom knows how she's behaving sometimes because she's nasty and beligerant with me and nice to everyone else. When I lose patience and holler and curse at her, I feel so bad because it's not a way to treat my mother. I back off and pray before I do anything... You, your husband and me have strong self control. Let's try to keep exercising it and make it stronger 💪. 🤗😍😂😂 Hang in there...
Also, I am finally accepting the fact that I can't handle Mom at home anymore. She's too heavy for me to lift or move and she rebells everything I ask her to do. She doesn't want me to help her with anything.. The biggest saving grace for me is that she doesn't live in my house. Siblings and I moved her back to her house. Unlike you and your husband, when I leave I get to go home without her. She stayed with me at my house for a bit. Not planning to do that again. Next stop nursing home or full time care at her house. Of course everything costs so much. But, maybe other people can help Mom much better than me...🤓 To answer your question, yes I do feel like I am going insane. I am the one usually stuck at her house hours in and out. I hate it! I leave her house in the evening after she's gone to sleep. I watch the monitor and pray that she stays on the bed and not fall on the floor. Additionally, I try to create breaks and time away for myself where I don't depend on my siblings for coverage. Although they participate and I am grateful, they clearly operate on their own time. Anyway.... See if you and hubby can create time away from the house even if only for a few moments or hour...💖

You are risking your own health and wellbeing. Does your MIL have the resources to move to memory care? If so, go visit three of them this week and pick one. If not, apply for Medicaid and visit an elder law attorney to prepare for spending her down.

MIL can't make the decision and it sounds like your husband is removing himself from it. Have him tell his family that mom's needs much more care than you and he realized and that the current situation isn't sustainable. Period. Don't apologize, don't discuss, be calm. If they don't want mom to live in a community setting, they can take her into their homes.

Your MIL's condition will only get worse and, even at her age, she could live for a long time. If you don't protect yourself, she could outlive you.

No lies, the situation won't improve. You cannot remain sane and healthy, getting up all night, every night. This is not sustainable. At the very least, you need to alternate 'night duty' with your husband. Can you sleep in separate rooms to that one of you knows they can get sleep, even if it's only every other night? If that's not possible, make your husband get half the time. Your MILs' 'inappropriate' behavior is not an excuse for you husband to check out. Do try to hire help - even for 8 hours per day (or night). Check into available resources - care agencies should be able to educate you about available resources. The relatives that refused to take MIL were right - she needs professional care that you probably can't provide.

First, let me extend my admiration for you and your husband to have offered to take in your mother. That being said, you should look into a memory care facility (as others have noted). What you are dealing with is too much for two people to handle. My mom is in a facility close by, and I have my hands full with her...I can't imagine having her live with me--like you, it would drive me crazy. Your MIL won't improve, but you can do something to improve your situation. At the very least, get a caregiver to come in a couple times a day to relieve you of your duties to her. Don't feel guilty about giving up some of the burden of caring for her. You have a right to your life, too.

Really great advice here. I hope you take it to heart and show to your husband as well. Only getting 2 hours of sleep means you are not getting any restful REM sleep which means you are doing harm to your own brain. We must get good REM sleep or we too can suffer from dementia, a smaller hippocampus etc. SO your health needs to be valued and I don't see that happening.
Your marriage also will be suffering and appears to be doing so already.
There is no moral high ground to being a martyr. You must make tough and hard decisions to get the 24/7 care for the MIL so you can be a support to her without damaging your health and marriage. I am certain she wouldn't want that if she were not suffering from ALZ.
Please reconsider this arrangement. And get a copy of the book 36 Hours to see what you can learn from that book.

during the time you are waiting for info about placing your mil in a facility, it might help the both of you if you go along with your mil. for instance, if she is saying she will report you to your supervisor, tell her she is right.; that you are new at this job and that maybe she can assist you by teaching you how the job should be done. if she wants you to continuously do things for her, tell her you are assisting other patients and will assist her momentarily. if she thinks you are stealing her husband (her son), tell her how you are married and you are just admiring the wonderful marriage she has. if she is grabbing at her son, he can say to her let's save that for when we are alone. in other words, improv like actors/comedians do at times. whatever the situation calls for create a storyline.
once my husband and sil did that with their mother, they became more comfortable. please take care of yourselves.

One person (or one family) cannot take care of a person that truly need 24 hour care. If she can afford to pay caregivers 24/7 and you have separate space in your home for them away from your husband and yourself - then you could try that. Otherwise - since she thinks she is in "home" already - now may be the perfect time to provide just that. If hubby is not willing - let him do the all nighters - see how fast he will change his mind.

Pls, pls look for a memory care facility ASAP..

I was able to keep Dad at home, where her passed in 2018.. Mom presented differently w dementia..After becoming an increased fall risk, “hidden” falls, fractured ribs, masking other health problems, I knew I couldn’t give her the proper care at home..

She is with a nice memory care & actually told my brother she likes it there, knows her nurses, etc.. It may take several months for MIL to adjust, but her level of care, and you/husbands well-being & sanity, need to be priority..

Prayers & cyber-hugs to you, husband & MIL.🙏🏻🤗

There is no failure involved with these situations. It is okay to put down a load that is to heavy.

Look at it from a different perspective, her being in a facility will provide her with a village of people to boss around, plus there are 3 shifts, so no one is being sleep deprived. She will have lots of room to roam around, lots of different faces to interact with. She will have a base schedule and wiggle room to be who she is now and who she evolves to be.

You can go visit and see that she has her needs met, any special treats and turn around and go home.

Facilities are equipped to deal with human bodies that no longer have sound minds. They have the staff and resources to give that person a reasonably decent existence. And quite frankly, that's all you can expect dealing with this damnable disease.

Alzheimer's robs a person of so very much, but we don't need to let it steal our lives prematurely. Love and care don't mean sacrificing your wellbeing.

Find a certified elder law attorney (www.nelf.org) will help you find one in your area, they can help ensure that dad isn't left destitute and impoverished by placing her in a facility that will give her the care she needs.

Perhaps now you can see why other family members said no, propping up some situations only cause greater harm when the bottom falls out, they were wise to step back.

You get upset at her comments because what she says is not fair. She no longer has a sense of fairness, right and wrong, your feelings, or social correctness. The situation seems worse than with my mom, but I started caring for her at the beginning of her Alzheimer's. She had a long stretch of meanness, but that went away as she got more and more confused and realized she needed help. Even though I learned over the years how to deal with her dementia, it was eventually too difficult. You are starting at a more advanced stage, so I doubt you can catch up to it. Your mother-in-law needs to be placed in a care facility. And it isn't because of any short coming on your part.

I had to laugh out loud regarding the MIL "reporting [SJLSJL] to the supervisor"--I would be tempted to say "just go ahead and do so". I agree with the suggestion that because she already thinks she is in a facility, that's all the more reason to place her in one.

You need adequate sleep and time with your husband. Even if you had all the expertise in the world in caring for your MIL, you still have physical and emotional needs that you can't meet while trying to provide what is essentially full-time care (unless you and your husband decided to split the day into shifts, which is not something any rational person would advise). You have provided care for 6 months, which is in itself a degree of success. (I'm not sure if I would have lasted 6 days!) It's time to make the change. I suppose it is possible it will get better someday (when her brain deteriorates enough that she isn't combative)--but only after an extended period in which it gets worse!

I assume your FIL is living by himself at this point? Is he aware of how it is going for you, and what does he have to say?

I too have a healthy 95-year-old with dementia. The best thing I ever did was to move her to an assisted living/memory care facility. For 11 months I cared for her. I went through a lot of what you are doing through. I was resentful that I changed my whole life to take care of someone who doesn't even know who I am. By the time I made the decision to move her, I was exhausted, my health had suffered, and had no life outside of her. I had to cut back on work which has adversely affected my finances--so instead of retiring this year, I will probably need to go a year or two longer. For the first month she was there, I was riddled with guilt and found it hard to adjust back to my "real" life. Slowly, I saw that she was happier there and interacting with other people which seemed to keep her more "connected." The ladies who care for her really know what they are doing. Off-putting behavior that made me freak out, they take in stride. While I know I will never have the relationship we had before (I miss it and I miss her), at least I am not full of anger and resentment. I can visit her, take her treats, and leave the distasteful duties to someone else.
You deserve your own life.

I'm right there with you, on so many counts. My mom moved in with us when she had Alzheimer's.  (She was a  relatively healthy and quite mobile 89 year old.)We took care of her for 5 yrs. and 3 months. My mother-in-law also had Alzheimer's. Although she lived in Assisted Living, we were involved with her care. They both thought that I was the "other woman." My mom thought that I was trying to "steal" her husband. (My father had died years before, but aside from that,  to use your word, what a creepy accusation is that!) My mother-in-law thought that my husband, (her son), was her husband, and that he was cheating on her, with me! I wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I found that trying to find the humor in things helped. (Not always an easy thing to do.) I was driving her here and there, and she was driving us crazy! She also sometimes thought that I was the hired help. Help!  People would tell me, "This too shall pass, " but it took 5 years and 3 months for it to pass, and that's when she passed away. My mom was a wonderful woman when it was really "her," and my hubby had to remind me, when she'd insult me, over nothing that I had control over, (like the fact that it was raining), that it wasn't really my once very smart and very nice mother.  We also had incontinence issues. If we went somewhere, I had to make sure that I had a change of clothes with me, just in case. You haven't lived until you try to change an adult in a small stall. My advice with that would be to "stall," but that's not usually possible. I was lucky in that my mom usually slept through the night. Could you hire someone to stay at your house overnight a few nights a week, so you could get some sleep? I tried to keep my mom active throughout the day so she'd be tired at night, and it usually worked, but not always. I'm sure you've thought of that, too. During this time, I worked part time, but Hubby was home. Most people see Mondays as, "It's Monday, I 'have' to go to work," but I'd think, "Whoo-hoo, it's Monday, I 'get' to go to work." When I changed my perspective dealing with my mom, from, "I have to take care of her," to, "I get to take care of her, " that helped, (sometimes). You're not alone with this. Take care, and I mean that literally as well as a general courtesy. Remember your own health needs.

"I’m working on an average of 2-hrs sleep a night for the past eight weeks." How much longer can you tolerate 2 hours of sleep a night?? It is not alright and it is a big problem. You are sleep deprived. Sleep deprived people have - and cause - more accidents. You should not drive a car - or operate heavy machinery - while sleep deprived. Sleep deprived people get sick and heal slower, if at all. Many caregivers die before the loved ones for whom they are caring.

You are still in this early enough to make a plan to get her moved into a facility. Talk to a social worker. Work with the social worker to get your MIL the professional care she needs.

Start surveying your area for good MEMORY CARE and stop attempting to “earn your Crown” by keeping her in a setting that works for neither her nor you.There is NO “moral high ground” when caring for people with dementia. Basing your decision on that premise was a mistake that you made with a willing and loving heart, but one that you must now accept for the mistake it was and move on.

It doesn’t make the SLIGHTEST bit of difference what her “tone” is. She has dementia, and THAT is what you are hearing when she talks to you. Because of her brain illness, she is no longer responsible for her behavior.

As I continue to read your narrative I find wonderful comments about all you’ve learned since you began this work. Be proud of yourself for your honesty, your love for your husband and your life together, and your intelligence and increasing sophistication in dealing with a dementia victim.

In our situations we found that the closer you are to her potential residential site, the easier it will be on you, and the better for her. If you can arrange short frequent “drop-in”visits, great!

Deal head on with flashes of guilt, because you’ll have them. If you’ve done as well in the future as you’ve done in the past, “guilt” is NOT AN OPTION!

OK. You are a100% capable, caring and moral person. You both are Enough with the feeling disappointed and
sterner stuff - stuff. If you feel you need to beat yourselves up about it. Stop. If you are worried about what other will say. Who cares

you two had your minds set and ready to go with a different future. Retirement. Yeh!!!

keep on track with that and place MIL in permanent care. That way you will have your life and be better at looking after her AND the FIL. Bless his cotton socks. 95 and trying to do it. 95!! How come nobody caught up with that fact before?

if nothing else has come out of this light bulb 💡 moment then at least your FIL has been rejuvenated

"Ultimately, I am so very disappointed in myself, that after not even half a year I’m even contemplating giving up - I thought I was made of sterner stuff. "

Hugs.

Not knowing everything about advanced Alzheimer's Disease and not having had the training and experience needed to care for somebody who has it is not a moral failing.

You took your MIL in to ensure that she had the care she needed. You have made a good start and her condition has recovered well. From here, she needs more than you and your husband can provide, no matter how hard you try. Remind yourselves sternly that the sole aim is to give her the care she needs; and surrender any unreasonable and counterproductive expectations you may still have of yourselves.

I realize this may sound cold but stubborn ppl especially refuse things when given choices. I know I wouldn't refuse meals on wheels if it was the only meal available