How do you stop someone else’s illness driving you crazy?

Your mother in law won't improve, but the manifestations of the illness will progressively change.  I've seen passive turn to belligerent and back to passive again. I've seen recognition come and go as well, although it never returns to normal.  Things seemed to change with mom and other relatives about every 6 months or so.  A new behavior would appear off and on until it became the new normal.  Then that symptom might disappear to be replaced by something new and different.  No one can predict the progress of the illness in any one person.  And just when you think you've come up with a creative solution for one thing, the next unexpected issue springs to life.

However, regardless of how committed you are to taking care of those you love, it will take more than two people to meet all of the needs, particularly if care is required 24/7.  Unfortunately, caregivers who are over 60 may suffer stress and exhaustion from trying to "do it all," such that they may become ill or injured in the process.

You need balance and you need it now. I'm not sure if funds are at stake that you're trying to preserve for later use or if the opposite problem of lack of funding exists. It also sounds as if you are good, principled people who consistently try to do the right thing but are now in over your heads.  It's easy to begin to drown without realizing that it's happening.

Find out how much money you have to work with and determine what you can and cannot physically do on a daily basis.  Meet with an elder care attorney, an accountant if necessary, and a geriatric internal medicine physician to discuss possibilities which can range from having someone come into the home, engaging respite care away from home either in memory care or adult day care centers, and moving her into memory care altogether.  And although hospice might not accept her, they might, so it can't hurt to have an evaluation.  They can help with equipment, supplies, medicines related to the illness, bathing, regular checkups and intermittent babysitting in the home for a couple of hours at a time.

It's important to be honest with yourselves, the rest of the family and the geriatric internal medicine physician regarding your hopes and your limitations. The worst that can happen is for either you or your husband to become incapacitated and for all of you to go down together with the ship. 

You're not alone, but each of us is unique to our own situation.  Be as loving and principled as you can be to yourselves as well as to your mother in law, make the best decision you can for the moment (remember, things change), work hard to meet those obligations while continually evaluating the reality of the situation, and afford yourself the same understanding that you give to others.  

Bless you.

First of all, you do NOT deserve this treatment and you must immediately put a stop to it by whatever means are available. She obviously has physical and worsening mental conditions and I assure you they will get much worse. She has already disrupted your lives - why on earth did you allow this in the first place? And your husband won't fight this situation. You are being destroyed by this woman - why? Because she won't stop and she is with you. Your relationship with your husband is being harmed. Now get tough and get help. SHE CANNOT STAY WITH YOU IN YOUR HOME. She must be placed soon - no if's, and's or but's. I don't care who the patient is and the relationship, once it affects the remaining family who is the caretaker - then it has to stop and they must go. Never, never can this not happen.

You MUST get help. Start with a visit to her doctor for evaluation and tell him/her exactly what you have told us. She needs professional care in a facility equipped to provide it, maybe with a "respite" visit for a week or two to give you and husband a much needed break. If finances are an issue, you can get good advice from your aging facility in the town you live in. Please don't delay because your own sanity depends upon getting help. Remember if you cave in you will not be able to help take care of anyone.

You should check with her doctor or call your local Senior Affairs (whatever they maybe called in your area.) and see if there is any support help you can get locally.
There are groups that will send volunteers to sit with her and give you a break.

I love how people throw out the "Just stick them in a home." answer... For some people it's not that simple and those people have their reasons for doing what they're doing when it really comes time and a doctor highly recommends it then I'd consider it until then maybe show a bit more support and a bit less of the insensitivity.

SJLSJL - Do whats right in your heart, keep in touch with your MIL's doctor or doctor's and get their opinions and listen to the options they suggest, it's not easy.
Depending on the state you reside there are a few that have Caregiver Aid and Acts to help you in this situation your local Senior Affairs office should be able to help with all the paperwork, speak with a healthcare worker (Nurse or Doctor) and they should be able to point you in the right direction.

I personally didn't know anything about a Caregiver Aid until I started poking around and placing phone calls.
In FL it's called "SHINE" or Senior Connections Center they'll help you as much as they can, I believe most states have something similar so start with that.

Learn some deep breathing exercise and hide with headphones on. My MIL IS 97 we have been living with her for 6 years, 10 of her not driving. I would have warn you to run, but to late. Like most people wrote me was to get extra help maybe she has insurance that covers a few hours a week. Or like some say to step back, but really how could you. If possible have your husband tell her there moving...( into a home lol) then let him divorce her. Good luck because the stress slowly kills.

GET HER INTO A NH ASAP before she drives you crazy - you [+ possibly hubby] are sleep deprived so of course you & hubby are sniping at each other because there is a 91 yo acting like a 2 yo - basically you tried but your health is more important in the long run

On a practical point there are specialized clothing that does up in the back that she can't get out of without assistance - they are 1 piece jump suits - I got some different stuff for my mom at 'SILVERT.COM' but saw a lady at her NH that wore them so that she wouldn't undress - if you can't find what you want there try the internet -

Also get child's monitors & an alarm that will go off when she opens her door - good luck

OMGosh - of course you're being driven crazy! Alzheimer's care is needed to be done by medical professionals! You say she's healthy. NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!! Get her out of the home before she #1 starts wandering, #2 grabs vehicle keys and starts driving, #3 sets the house on fire, #4 picks up a knife and comes at you, etc. Her mind is ill and she cannot help it. I'm not going to lie to you and say it's all going to be peaches and cream! It's going to get WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY worse! I don't know how you've managed on 2 hours of sleep/night per 8 WEEKS! Good grief.

I'm so sorry to hear about your problem. I recently went through the agonizing decision to place my 96 yr old healthy mom in a nursing home instead of bringing her home to live with me. I can say it was the best decision I made not only for her but for my family. The aging process is cruel sometimes and I don't think that your mom really wants you to be miserable. I would find a nice place that will take care of her needs and visit her often.