How do you stop feeling bad because you don't feel bad that a loved one has died?

This is a great conversation to have. When we treat others compassionately we are giving our trust to them in the hope that they know we are trying to establish a bond with them; it's any wonder, why, we wouldn't turn off our feelings when day in and day out we are nothing more than objects in their world; why would any sane person want to be rejected that way? You are strong! That's why you haven't looked back. Remember the scene in Ordinary People when Conrad, ridden with guilt is in the throws of anguish retelling the story of his brother Bucky's death in a stormy sea? And the therapist asks him, what was it that you did wrong; Bucky had let go of the boat when Conrad told him not to, and Connie's empowered realization was, "I held on." I let go of my mother in 2000, understanding something that I came to realize: we had each hurt one another, but forgiveness is a powerful saving grace. I forgave her posthumously, for years of abuse as I hoped she could have forgiven me for treating her rather unkindly at the end when I'd had enough. I married my husband thinking I had escaped my past by marrying a stable man. For twenty-eight years I thought I was stupid, incorrect, mistaken until my husband's dementia diagnosis of early onset Cadasil six months ago, explained why I've spent these years confused and guilty "for not being able to do anything right" as his disease probably started about the time we married: the years of verbal abuse and anger have taken their toll on me. I sadly admit that I've wanted this to end, while I'm still young enough to have a life worth living, to be unbound by the weight of dementia; I try to find the sweet parts of him and try not to retaliate by treating him the way he treated me. I'm trying to listen daily to Joyce Meyer's recounting of how she has been able to forgive her father's sexual abuse of her when she was a child: I've learned that the road of forgiveness of others' crimes against us is only one part; the other is, forgiving ourselves...they go hand in hand.