How do you stop feeling bad because you don't feel bad that a loved one has died?

My partner was happy when his mother died. She was a miserable narcissist all her life and she spent his teen years threatening to commit suicide. Nothing ever made her happy unless you were giving her constant compliments. A Sunday call every week for years, she died, and he heaved a sigh of relief.
We are human beings. We aren't saints. Saints get shot full of arrows and then spend eternity having to listen to the whining prayers of all of us on earth, trying to "fix it all" for us. Not a good job description. Don't apply.
Ultimately we hopefully grow to a point where we understand that we as humans are very imperfect. Likely your "not so loved" ones have some peace now. You have two chances for family. The one you are born to and the one you make. Make another family, whether friends or loved ones, and make their lives and your own as grand as you are able. Wishing you good luck.

There is a sense of relief that is warranted and normal when a burdensome loved one dies. You were endlessly critiqued by your mother and married to an alcoholic who made your life miserable. If you weren't feeling relieved by their passing, THEN I would question your state of mind! It's okay not to feel depressed by these losses, so please don't think you're a terrible person. Death is part of the cycle of life and something we have no control over anyway. Acceptance is healthier than anything else you could be experiencing right now.
And it's okay to live YOUR life now, my friend. It's your turn to take care of YOU, you've earned it.

Maybe it could help to think of it in terms of becoming at peace with their passing? Accepting that you can miss certain things, while being relieved that other things aren't part of your life any more. Grief doesn't always mean floods of tears. And it has phases too: sometimes we feel losses more keenly and other times we feel more stable and fine with everything.

Don't be too hard on yourself if you can help it: self compassion is important, and can help you in dealing with complicated feelings you have (that we all have!) for our loved ones. It's ok to feel ok :-) It's ok to have loved an imperfect person, and to be relieved that that imperfect person isn't around anymore to make certain terrible choices, but to miss that person too. That's something I've noticed anyway.

I wish you a wonderful day.

I never mourned when my folks died and they were loving parents who adored my brother and me. It will be two year in April for my dad and my mom just passed away this past November. They were growing increasingly less mobile and more difficult to live with. My dad was very easy going and slept 23 out of 24 hours a day, but he was slipping into dementia and was incontinent and refused to shower. Getting him to the doctor was next to impossible. He was the easier of the two to care for and even then it was still a relief when he died. At the time I had no idea that my mom's last 19 months would nearly kill me.

She was bedridden the last year of her life and in and out of the hospital/skilled nursing. Every facility told her "you need 24 hour care in a facility" and she refused (she still had her faculties). Every facility told me "she needs to go into a nursing home" and I'd reply "good luck with that". She grew increasingly weak yet still talked about when she'd walk and drive again. She'd buy stuff she'd never be able to use, make, or wear again. My adult son and I were inches from walking out because it was the only way we could get APS to intervene. Long before she got this bad, she commented "I don't want to be a burden" but when she did become a burden she didn't care. She didn't want to go into a facility and that was that, she didn't really care what it meant to us.

I was close to her my entire life and I loved her but she was a self-centered, demanding, narcissist who had no problem trying to run my life, my brother's life and the lives of my kids. I told my kids repeatedly "ignore her, do what YOU want and she can yell at me". She died on November 17 and I've never shed a tear. I'm finally free.

You aren't cold-hearted, in fact you are probably just the opposite, putting up with the nagging and misery all these years. I would imagine there was a point in your life when losing either of them would have caused you grief (my mom nearly died 30 years ago and I don't think I could have borne it then). However you are past that point. If there are any good memories, cherish those and move on. Embrace the relief and enjoy your new life because now it is YOUR life and no one else's.

I don’t see a terrible or cold hearted person. And there’s nothing to feel guilt over. A friend always tells me that acceptance comes in stages, it seems you are on a path of accepting what’s occurred and that you couldn’t have made it any different. Your feelings aren’t wrong, they’re just honest

The five stages of grief are: (Concerning death and dying)
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

You may be feeling numb.
Anything you are feeling now is not unusual.
And hey, they are your feelings.

You will come to accept there is no reason to feel that something is wrong with you. Just having these thoughts and concerns are proof you are not some heartless sociopath. Guilt can hide the fact that you feel so relieved and set free, but those feelings may not be acceptable to you yet, after your losses.
It takes time, so give yourself some time, be kind to yourself, and thanks for telling us. There is no judgment, whatever feelings you are feeling.

Sorry for your loss.
But there is your life ahead!
Look forward, you can do that now. I would not even consider waiting out that year of grief everyone talks about, as respect. Start as soon as you feel like it.

I recently found out that my cousin died in November 2019. While I am sad by her death from cancer at age 57, I am also relieved that she can no longer "bother" her brother or other family members for money. I will remember my cousin as the sweet girl that she was in grade school and junior high school; and not the greedy, manipulative person who talked our grandmother and great uncle into giving her (and her younger sister) their Social Security checks along with multiple used cars and mobile homes and tried to change our Grandmother's Will so that they would receive most of the Estate. (Grandma got smart and did not change her Will.)

You are not a terrible person. You are mourning the loss in accordance to your relationship with these people. It is similar to grieving a friend. If you and your friend are close and do lots of activities together, then you will grieve their death more than a friend that you talk to occasionally and rarely do activities with.

Each of us grieves in our own way. Allow yourself to grieve in your own way and time.

God Bless and {{{HUGS}}}

Nearly 6 years ago my Dad had sepsis and nearly died. Soon after that he had an aortal aneurysm which almost ended him as well. He was in the early stages of dementia at that time. He never regained independence and for over 5 years he required ever increasing levels of care. Dad died in September and although I do feel occasional moments of sadness and loss I never went into mourning.... and yes I too feel a sense of relief.
It was a difficult, sometimes bleak 5 years for everyone in our family, including Dad. Paranoia and anger are my family's go-to emotions when they feel vulnerable. Things often got pretty ugly.
I lost my Dad in bits and pieces over those years. By the time he passed I think I had already gone through my stages of grief. I don't feel guilty about the relief I feel. I think it's to be expected.
Now Mom is going through her own slow decline. She too has dementia and a myriad of health issues. Her body and mind are ebbing in bits and pieces like Dad. We are slowly losing her.
Regardless of the strained relationship I have always had with my Mom, witnessing her decline stirs an undercurrent of sadness and a sense of loss. It is subtle but always there. When she passes I will likely feel a sense of relief and I doubt I will be grief stricken.
Feelings are not black and white. They are messy and often conflicted. Be gentle with yourself. There are no "shoulds" when it comes to feelings.

Yes, I have. I think your reactions are normal in your situation. My borderline personality disordered with vascular dementia mother died just over a year ago. I have felt nothing but relief that it is finally over and I don't feel guilty. Any guilt you have is false guilt as you have done no wrong.

You are not a cold hearted, nor a terrible person. Great burdens have been removed from your life, Feel free to enjoy your life without these now. You have earned it. (((((((hugs))))).

Yes, I have not mourned my abusive mother's death. In fact, her death seems like it was longer ago than it was. On the other hand, I have mourned my dad's death that was rather recent.

As MLK once said, "Free at last. Free at last. Thank God, I'm free at last!" You, my friend are also free at last! There is nothing wrong with you.

I'm sorry for your losses.  I agree with others here.. grief is different for each person, and does come in stages.  Those grief stages can come much later, too.  We often don't even recognize the stages as they happen to us, and can be quite sudden, confusing when they happen. 

From what you said, you were in somewhat difficult relationships to some degree with both loved ones.  When that's much of what you've known and received from those close loved ones, you likely still miss them, yet feel relief that at least that bad part of these relationships stopped.  It's conflicting, as it would be for anyone. 

You're not a terrible person.  Allow yourself to grieve at your own pace, in your own way.  It's how you feel right now, and that's ok.  It may be the way you feel for a long time, and it's still ok.  You need not feel guilty for feeling as you do.  Be good to yourself. 

Take care.

Thank you all for your advice and wisdom. This does make me feel better. God Bless you all!

It’s perfectly normal to feel relief after the death of someone who was draining to you in any way. Often when we lose someone there is a mixture of feelings. They may seem contradictory or inappropriate and often they will change.

Just let them be. Never feel guilty for having a feeling. A feeling is a simply an internal message to yourself. The only time guilt might be appropriate is if you DID something wrong. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just ARE.

Sometimes things don't happen in the usual order. Your grief happened during their lifetime.

Don't beat yourself up.

Smilingtulip: My sweet mom died almost a year ago. At her death, beside sorrow, I felt immense relief.

The relief was twofold: First, that Mom's suffering was over. She had dementia (and she knew it, which was heartbreaking), spinal stenosis, diabetes, and other issues. She was kind and giving, but she suffered. Now, she's whole, pain-free, and with her beloved family on the other side.

Second, that my suffering was over. I was her live-in caregiver and it nearly killed me. My three sisters were cruel. A photo was taken of me during this time (but before it got even worse), and in that photo I was aged more than 20 years. It's horrifying. With Mom's death, a few weeks of cleaning out her house and a quick sale, I drove away and never contacted my sisters again.

There's nothing wrong with you feeling relief. You're a good person who dealt with terrible things. Your life is YOURS now. Embrace it and live it with kindness and joy toward yourself. You've earned it. *hug*

You are a survivor. Don't feel bad that an abusive person or people have passed out of your life. Be grateful that they gave you life. Be grateful that God used those difficult experiences to make you kinder. The relief you feel is normal and healthy. Get on with your life.

There truly are multiple stages of grief and they are seldom linear. We all grieve differently, blah, blah, blah.

Your feelings are very normal and you are NOT a bad person for feeling those feelings.

This post really hit home. After 17 years of taking care of my mom, the last two in a facility, she passed away a few months ago. If there's any feeling, it's relief. I do not miss her, which I find interesting because I miss my dad terribly and he's been gone 20 years. When I look back it was so much work to manage my mom's care, her household, her finances, her numerous doctors, her prescriptions, her groceries, her yardwork, her mail, the list goes on and on. She was a good mother to me as a young child, but after college I became her dumping ground for everything that was wrong with her life. She had numerous health problems from head to toe, ending in full-blown vascular dementia, sundowning, hysterics, paranoia etc. It was like the grand finale of the 4th of July fireworks. I grieved every time I visited her in the nursing home. When it ended all I felt was freedom. Now is my time.

I miss my mom -- she was the center of my life all my life. But people DO die, because they are supposed to, and though you never get over the loss of close loved ones you eventually grow to accept what has happened and just live on. I lost 40 pounds after mom died, and just a few pounds away from being clinically underweight so you know mom's death affected me very badly. However, I found a new peace knowing I do not have to worry about her, and I cannot reproach myself since I did all I could for her and went above and beyond to care for her. I try to think of her the way she was before she died and realize she is a lot better off where she now because she would never get better in life. I was taking care of an essentially brain-dead person due to SEVERE Alzheimer's disease kept alive with a feeding tube. Ironically liver cancer and failure killed her. 15 years battling Alzheimer's -- it was her liver that got her. and up to the end she lived in peace and free of pain.

Rediscovering oneself is the toughest thing for caregivers. I had to find a job and because no matter what happens, the BILLS keep on coming in--so I got back with the living because the center of my life -- mom-- is gone. Now I'm employed, caring for myself and my 3 cats, and working toward my graduate degree. For the most part I feel peaceful. I don't mind living alone at all. I have friends coming over. I'm doing okay!

Smilingtulip - you are not cold hearted, as others have said, you are having quite normal feelings. And feelings that many of us share (or will share).

MIL is still here, but I know already that my feeling when she dies will be relief, not grief. She has turned into a hateful, self-centered person. She always favored her daughter's family over mine (her son's) and with dementia it is only pronounced. So I know where I stand with her, and though I am involved in her care and try to be loving - I will be very glad when this job is done. I anticipate that we will no longer be in contact with SIL's family other than greeting cards at holidays - and I am looking forward to it really.

You are finally free from a miserable marriage and the one who gave birth to u who always nagged.
I think feeling set free is not about you being a terrible person but simply what it is FREEDOM AND IT FEELS GOOD!!!!.
Cherish any and all memories that are good as it relates to both of them and go on a live a good life.
Stop beating yourself up and know that we all grieve differently.
It may bring you to tears one day or it may not.
U were emotionally beat down by them so it is hard to grieve in the "traditional" manner
Be kind to yourself and if u think it would help teach out to a therapist or your pastor.
U had to survive them and not accept their criticism that takes a strong person..
U surpressed your feeling to survive so now give urself permission to feel again♥️♥️

Absolutely, I know exactly what you mean. I lost my brother who I loved but whose chaotic alcoholism was exhausting. I lost my mother, who I loved. but her harsh criticism and long dependence on me wore out that love. I dont think either of us is a terrible person. After all we took care of people despite the difficulties. You might find over time that you recover memories of your mother and husband from better times and feel some sadness but you dont need to feel guilty for not having the so called right grief.

When a loved ones dies from a disease that slowly takes them, alcoholism, cancer, dementia it is not uncommon for their loved ones not to grieve the way that their family or friends think they should. You probably have been grieving the loss of your husband / mother for years. You have grieved the person you knew and loved long before they passed away. At the time of their passing you probably had already cried all the tears you could.

Grief is as individual to each person. Not everyone grieves the same way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I don't see you as cold hearted or a terrible person, I see someone who had to travel a very difficult path as they watched their loved ones slowly die and I bet you have been grieving for years!

Don't let what other well meaning family/friends say to you determine who you are, they have not gone through your journey.

If anyone could be made to feel guilty it was me. When I complained about something or somebody my Mom would say "and what did u do". For years when I had an argument with a friend or someone got mad at me for something I thought "what did I do". As I aged I realize that that person who got mad at me was because I didn't do something their way. Or because they felt guilty but turned it back on me. I stopped feeling guilty. I figured they would get glad again and if not, oh well. Yes, I felt guilty for not feeling guilty.

I come from a family that excepts death. Yes we grieve and we miss the person but we move on. Its not that we are heartless just tend to except. Maybe its faith knowing they are in a better place. With my Mom, she lived to be 89. Full blown Dementia for at least 3 or 4 years. It was hard watching her slip away. Her passing was a good thing. I can see why ur relieved. You don't have to be on pins and needles anymore. Walking on eggshells.

You are NOT a terrible person. Good grief - your husband was an alcoholic and your mother was not a nurturer. Do not hold onto any guilt, else it eats you up.

My OB died and my first thought, upon hearing the news was "Thank God--he can't mess up any more lives!" No sorrow and not one iota of grief or sadness and it's been 10+ years. He was so toxic and so awful---caused my parents untold anxiety and pain and wasn't worth the space he took up here on earth.

Having said that: I am a normally extremely compassionate person. But this person did so much damage to me and my younger sibs--I still haven't 'forgiven' him, and doubt that in this life I ever will. The pain he caused, sadly, lives on in the lives of his kids and ex-wives.

I agree with the poster who said you'd already 'grieved' while they were here in life. I will not shed any tears when my MIL dies, I have cried enough already for the treatment she showed me and my kids.

Mother is 90 and will probably live to 100. I also have pre-grieved her dying. It's exhausting to be near or with her--yes, I sound horrible, but someone dies and suddenly they are somehow sanctified? I don't believe that for one second.

I can grieve the fact some people hurt, used, hated me in life---but their dying doesn't suddenly make them amazing people. They still are what they were.

A woman in my neighborhood passed away last week after 15+ years of health issues, during which her sweet hubby never left her side. The last couple of years she didn't even know who he was. I saw him yesterday, taking a walk and looking happier and more carefree than I have seen him in years. I've heard he has been almost 'joyous' at the end of her sad, sick life. If that is mean, so be it, but he did more than was asked and he deserves some happiness now. I'm sure he has a lot of fond and loving memories, but I know he long since 'lost' her to dementia. Nothing wrong with feeling relieved when someone so ill has passed.

You are not bad in the least. And it is never anyone’s place to label you. Your feelings are to be honored. Thank you for this question. It gave me an opportunity to revisit feelings I’ve felt bad about.

I am reminded of an old poem.

“There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us,
it doesn't behoove any of us to speak evil of the rest of us”
Edgar Cayce

Before my brother died of cancer at the age of 19, he had suffered so much that I was glad for HIM, never mind me, that he had escaped this life. I never wished he were still alive if it had to be with cancer. I loved him too much to wish that horror on him.
My whole family was shut down. We were holding our collective breath. We could not move forward as long as he was suffering. There is relief when you can breath again. That doesn’t make anyone bad.
Sometimes when we are deep on the front lines in life, we, of necessity, are often numbed out. That is self preservation.
We can only deal with so much. No doubt your husband and mother had their own demons.
The horrors of alcoholism are generational in the damage left behind.
The constant criticism from the one we look to for our greatest inspiration can prove too much for many.
In spite of the love you feel for your mom, I wouldn’t wonder if her critical voice is what is behind your self criticism of not feeling “bad enough”.

We have the ability to put on a protective cloak in order to function. So, it is my hope, that as you are able and time passes you will begin to heal. That you will grieve your husband and your mom in your own way and that you will not question your feelings.

I’ve read of incidents where a loved one can die and there are no tears. A year or two later, a beloved pet dies and the same person is inconsolable. Did they love the pet more or was it a cumulative grief that finally broke? Were they recovered enough to finally grieve their loss? Or was this pet the source of unconditional love that expected very little in return? So traditional demonstrations of grief may be in your future or you may have grieved the loss of a husband and a mother as you dealt with their decline. The reasons for your feelings are unique to you and your life circumstances. But they don’t make you bad.

Many believe that some caregivers have developed PTSD. Look into that and see if it resonates.

If you find you have no empathy for others in your life you may be suffering from compassion fatigue.

You might consider a therapist to help sort out your feelings in order to live your best life now and not feel compelled to be critical of your own feelings but to allow them free reign.

You might want to create a mantra to reinforce your wellness and counter that negative voice in your head.

Here is one I’ll paraphrase from the character Abilene Clark in the movie “The Help” which she drilled into the young child of a difficult and critical mother.

You are kind,
You are smart,
You are important.

And I will add,
You are not bad,
You are not cold hearted
and Hallelujah!
You are not depressed.

When people have sinned against you repeatedly with no remorse, it's abuse. It's also hate, as sin is hate.

Why feel guilty that you don't love a hater?

God sends people to hell every second because they hate Him. He's not feeling guilty about it. He gave them an out: Jesus.

Maybe just think about the good things they did in their lives, quickly celebrate that, and move on.

It’s perfectly normal, I think, to not be “only upset” when someone who brings you more pain than joy passes away — especially when you feel relief, which is a beautiful feeling. I think we feel like it’s not normal only because other people who lost their spouse or parents are genuinely devastated - but their relationship with their parent is not the same as yours, and they (and how they handle things) are not the same as you.

Personally, how upset I am after someone’s dead is indicative of the love, joy, and happiness someone brought me by being alive. You may have truly loved both of them, but it sounds like they also brought you considerable stress in their own ways, and when that stress is removed (by whatever means), feeling free and released (at last) is normal.

I wouldn’t give it too much thought. The alternative of being devastated by losing someone who is your whole world may be looked upon as “normal” but it exponentially worse for you.

You are not mean. You are not evil. You are not selfish. You are normal.

Who wants to be in misery? Yeah, some people like that sort of thing. They want to suffer and be a martyr. Maybe they think that it’s going to earn them a reward in heaven.

Not everyone is even cut out for being a caregiver. So be proud of yourself that you were able to do as much as you did.

I am glad that you are free and no longer miserable. Hugs!