How do you make everyone happy? My 12 year old wants my time but my Mom needs my time.

Pharm, you probably will not be able to make both happy. Your 12 year old NEEDS your time! You are teaching that child with everything you do. When children do not get the attention and love, acceptance they need they will do anything to get it, much which is not desirable behavior. You need to make time for this daughter, son?

You need to find another care option for your mom on weekend even if it just for a few hours. Pack a lunch, go to the zoo, ball game, museum, with your CHILD! This child is growing up in challenging circumstances. You must find a way to do the things the child wants to do.

I think you might, with respect, have got those the wrong way round: your 12 year old needs you, your mother wants your help.

The thing is, there isn't anyone else who can be your child's mother. There are lots of people - starting with your brother, but not just him - who can be enlisted to provide the care and support your mother needs. She's still living at her own home, is that right? It sounds as if it's time to investigate what services you can arrange to help her stay safe and well.

The only thing I'd add to everyone else's excellent advice is that it won't do your 12 year old any harm to contribute his or her presence for an hour or two, or a meal time - just occasionally, not every weekend, and not all day - to his/her grandmother's life. Yes, boring; yes, no child's idea of a fun afternoon; but it's a good deed, and it might create some lasting memories to treasure one day.

And, I'm afraid, you can't make everybody happy - so you just have to do what you think is right. C'est la vie. And don't fall for that martyr's trick of thinking that if it's what you prefer it necessarily can't be the virtuous option. Your happiness is important too.

I'm sorry... but I'm going out on a limb here... I don't fully agree with the general consensus.

Yes, I believe your 12 year old needs you... but I also think your mother needs you as well.

Please find a way to incorporate both of them into your life. You will be much richer for the experience... and so will they!

My grandson (whom I have custody of), is just turning 13 this week. He was my greatest ally in helping with mother during her decline into the horrible world of Alzheimer's. I hated to put him through this. But do you know what happened? I ended up with a young man who learned about compassion, and strength, and love. He learned that its important to take care of our elderly. He learned to not be selfish.

Did he have to make sacrifices? Yes. We all did. But he came away from the experience with SO much more than he went into it with!

I made time to do some things with him so he didn't feel as if he was being shorted (soccer, movies, ball, etc.). My husband did extra things with him. Even though I ended up living in a separate house from my hubby and him for almost 2 years... he spent a LOT of nights crashed on my mom's couch so we could spend quality time together.

If you forsake one for the other... you'll regret it. It may be difficult... but isn't anything worth having worth working for?

Good luck.

In a year, your mom isn't going to know if you were there, or not. You must make arrangements for her, and spend this time with your son. Shortly, he won't want to hang with you.

You 12 year old is at a very confusing hormonal age. As a previous single parent, I know you can only spread yourself so thin. Your obligation is to your child at this point. I believe quality time is much more important than quantity time. Discuss with your brother if he can stay with your mother for say 4 hours on Sat or Sun so you spend time with your child. Go to movies or a meal etc. Keep the communication lines open. We used to always go out with MIL and friends of ours. We had stopped going. We made a point of getting care for MIL this last weekend so we could have quality time with friends. We had to make it happen and it was wonderful.

I agree, your kid NEEDS you more! Your brother needs to help more! Don't ask for help....just tell him what he needs to do. God bless and good luck!

I come at this from a different direction. I am 60 with a 96 year old mom, but she moved back home to take care of her mom with cancer when I was 5. It was supposed to last 6 months, it lasted 13 years. I have fought feelings of worthless ness the rest of my life. It caused me some permanent problems and damaged my feelings for my mother. Do not abandon the child for the adult. You are the only Mom.

Hire someone qualified to stay with your mother while you spend time with your son. If you cannot afford it, can a family member be entrusted? It is so important to spend some quality time with your child alone. In your child's world you are a mother first and a daughter second. I hope you can manage to work out your dilemma.

Son needs you, yes, he is tommorow's generation, BUT this does not mean mom's wishes, needs should always be tossed aside in light of kid's needs. They are both precious and important, but I would say a blend of 2/3 to child 1/3 to mom's needs is good. That way she does not feel totally upstaged. I have seen many times where parent or child felt sort of abandoned. Older child was not really taught to interact with elder, either except when money was involved. Maybe having more interactive activities would be good, also. It is a hard road for caregiver. I there, too, and really want to spend time with my grandkids, but have my elderly mom living with us, also, who is very needy socially and loves people, but I can't always do everything she wishes. I just try to make everyone happy.

Son needs your time to guide and form him but he also needs to learn that he's not the center of the universe. He does need to learn that giving to others is important, including elderly family members.

I wonder if there's some time he could give to her that's special. Is there something she needs, some specific attention, that could be something that he and she only do, together? If you could find something like that, that he and she are comfortable with, that gives you more time to do other things, teaches him some generational lessons, and gives her special time with her grandchild.

Start with him and ask him if he's willing to help you a little and if he could suggest something. Because, if he does it willingly and with a little joy, it's the only way he and she will learn from it and enjoy it.