How do you maintain sanity?

I hear you, loud and clear. I’m right their with you. I wish I had an answer for you but I am in the same place you are and it is a horrible place to find yourself at 70 years of age.

Been there, done that.  I agree with others: your city or county might have a Council on Aging who could help. A volunteer sat with my dad a few hours a week when he had COPD, and my mom wanted or needed to get out of the house for a little bit. Maybe a local house of worship could have a volunteer to sit with your mom for a while, play cards with her, watch TV, etc.  We looked after my mom, with Alzheimer's, for 5 years and 3 months. It was, as you say, a situation that had no reprieve. I was either at work part time, (and Hubby looked after her then), or I was taking care of her. Try to let insults roll off your back. Since I think humor helps, I'll tell you a funny thing that happened when my mom lived with us. She wanted to tell someone that she pounded the pavement, looking for a job in NY after college, but what she said was, "I walked the streets of NY, if you know what I mean." My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. I even wrote about our travails in a book, (to maintain my own sanity): "My Mother Has Alzheimer' and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I found that a walk or coffee with a  friend, as short-lived as either activity was, really helped. Good luck.

Your town's COA (Council on Aging) should have on staff a dedicated elder case worker and also a social worker. Contact them and go from there for help through their services. Good luck.

So many people think that if THEY have money, that means no one will pay. Help from Medicare and Medicaid have nothing to do with YOUR finances. It is all about your Mom's money. She should be using ALL her savings right now to pay for her help. Once that gets down to nothing, except what she gets from SS and pension each month, medicaid kicks in for the 20% that remains.
Make sure you have a elder law attorney helping you. The $200 you pay her/him will be WELL worth the CRAP you have to put up with right now and being denied what your mother is rightfully owed.
Make sure you add a "rent" amount and "utility" amount to applications while she lives with you. Think VERY carefully about having your mom live with you or not after she can't live on her own. The guilt will be OVERWHELMING, but as many people have found out here, that would have been the way to go years ago. Learn from others on here. Read through answers in the past. Be open with your mom and let her know that future bad feelings and a broken relationship are not worth it to you. You love her dearly and do know your limits. As you have found out right now, with the little time she has spent with you, having her with you full time is NOT an option.
Be best to you and your mom on this new journey in both of your lives.

Get her on the waiting list for several Adult Day Programs... one will come through. In the meantime, find all the agencies and outreaches that help seniors and get help. Lean on family members, friends, and members of your faith community for a little more help until your get her in Adult Day Program.

The Masonic Temple gave several walkers to Spouse; they had wheelchairs as well. No charge, simply sign out for them for as long as needed. Best wishes to you in your struggles.

Contact you Area Agency on Aging(Senior Center can provide info) Your local state Home Care can assess needs, provide help and even arrange Adult Day Health services. They can also help with payments for ADH.

Can't tell you how I do it other than I gave up my job 6 months earlier than I expected to, and now I don't see how I managed to do what I did for as long as I did when I was working!  I read a lot of books.  Have no outside help or outside anything.  I have a lot of resentment.  I just do it somehow.  It has been 3 /2 years for me, alone, with no one to help.  It is private pay in the facilities.  I am like her private nurse even though she is in a facility.  No family who cares or who helps.  I have her, her bills, her animals, her everything that I am responsible for.

I suggest you look into an Adult Day Program. These programs will often times pick up the client in their van around 6:30 or 7:00 am and provide service for them and bring them back home until 6:00 pm. They are much cheaper than home care. Here in Missouri it runs around $90.00 to $120.00 for the day and some of the Adult Day Programs you can only have your loved one attend half a day. You can choose how often they attend. I believe that these programs are the "best kept secrete" in the health care industry.

Have you approached Medicaid? Medicaid pays for a lot that Medicare will refuse.
Always always ask. If the answer is no, you've lost nothing. But if the answer turns out to be yes, you'll be glad you asked.

Call them today.

YOU are at the burnout phase and need to find a solution quick. She needs to go to an Assisted Living facility. I'm not sure what her finances are but once the money is spent down Medicaid is supposed to kick in! Get some professional help too - counseling - and Elder Law Attorney to go over rights. I hear where you are coming from. My mother who is soon to be 93 moved back in with me about 3 years ago. It was supposed to be temporary while she got on a waiting list for a senior apartment in her small, home town where she has many friends and family - what's left. Nope she never got on that list and here we are 3 years later and I'm feeling a little peeved. I want my life back! I get almost no assistance from the brother down the street and my other brother passed suddenly. I also just got diagnosed with a severe eye condition which doesn't allow me to keep working at my current job for too much longer. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I found a senior apartment which I could afford with my annuity but we cannot live together - we make too much money. Mind you - she still drives (but only to a near grocery store), is very independent and has her mind. She is starting to falter some, walks with a cane and I know all it would take is one fall or something else to go amiss and there you have it! I have physical issues which do not allow me to pick up heavy items and I could not provide care of that nature. I hate the "guilt" trip she tries to put me on as I'm single, work full-time, make sure the house stays clean, the yard looks nice and she has a refrigerator full of food weekly. I'm thankful she can still take care of herself but she does not need to be alone all day in my home. Then the weekend comes and it's literally a list of errands she needs to go run. I'm almost 60 and want to start living life before it's gone! Am I being selfish - no I don't think so. We have lived together off/on for 20 years. I will continue to assist her but I'm tired of baring the whole burden - and yes it becomes a burden. I did seek counseling and that helped and also I'm starting to look into by own health and finding an affordable place to live. I went to an acupuncturist, and am taking time out to spend time with friends. I can tell she gets "pouty" but that is her problem. I told her I could probably only work one more year so hopefully she is taking the hint to go and live near her relatives. Good luck to you!

This was our exact situation w/ my MIL just a few short months ago. Caregivers were costing upwards of $20,000 per year & she did not qualify for Medicaid, etc.
As my husband is still working full time & my SIL lives in Georgia ( we are in NJ as is my MIL ) & I’m a retired nurse ...it ALL fell on me.
Finally, I just said enough is enough! I did NOT retire ( esp. from nursing!) to keep on doing same thing & unpaid no less! Selfish? Perhaps ...but fact is fact!
We searched & searched till we found a lovely reasonably priced Assisted Living facility just miles from her former home. In NJ quite the feat to find a financially conducive solution!

Yes, she is paying out of pocket( till she spends down her money & Medicaid kicks in) but w/ deducting her living expenses @ home ( including the Aid) really Just dollars more & peace of mind for everyone!

Was it easy ....NO! The decision alone was difficult...& the handling of finances & closing up her home ....nightmarish @ times! BUT all worth it!

There have been few bumps in the road ( sometimes she accuses us, esp. my husband) of having stolen her “stuff” but in general she has adjusted rather well.

She goes to all the activities...things she would never be able to do @ home. She will turn 94 in Sept. & this is best & safest solution for her at this time.

I recommend it highly. Sounds like a family meeting needs to be called w/ your family ASAP!

Best of luck! Keep us posted and remember to take of others one MUST take care of oneself first!

I know what you are going through. I really do. We recently went to a thrift store here in Alabama suggested by o.t. and p.t. to get a rollator walker, because medicare didn't approve it. I don't know where your at, but there is a Christian thrift store where I'm at, and I got her rollator free.

You need an Elder Lawyer.

There is a loan closet in our area where we 'borrowed' things like a lift chair, wheel chair, walker, etc. for our Mom. Hopefully there is one in your area. A local nursing home or aging agency may help in finding one.
Yes this is frustrating and there are no magic answers, especially when they are only on Medicare.
Our father is currently on hospice and it is free to have them evaluated for this. Her doctor can tell you if this is even remotely possible but it may pay for supplies and a volunteer who can regularly stop by. An aunt has been on and off hospice several times but this has helped while she has had it.
Check into a county case worker for her. This person should be able to let you know what she qualifies for and whether she would qualify better for assistance if she was not living with you.
A lot of work on top of what you are already doing but hopefully some help in the long run.
Many blessing to you for taking this on. You are a special person.

Would establishing a pooled trust be an option to make her eligible for Medicaid?

Adult day care. Cost effective, meals provided and it gets her out of the house with activities in a safe environment. Most centers will have some therapies available too (PT, OT, SLP). Many adults will fight this initially but are comfortable once they start. There is better supervision and support than at a senior center, but that is also an alternative if she won't try to leave on her own.

Don’t worry, we all tend to get a little snarky back at our loved ones at times. It’s a natural reaction to the stress we’re feeling.
I know it’s cliched, but try to take it one day at a time. That’s the way I survive caring for my wife who can be very good some days and just awful other days.

What income does she have and where is she living. Basic state income and paying rent for where she lives should qualify her for medicaid. If she doesn't qualify she has too high income or assets and needs to start spending them not having you struggle.

Hang in there! Find a support group in your area. It's been a life saver for me to hear others in a similar place. Also, maybe find a medicaid planner, that might help guide you to help with eligibility requirements. The one I met made recommendations and her fee was just under $100, so less than a lawyer. My mother's finances were simple otherwise I would have consulted an attorney. Pulling in volunteers from family some times works wonderfully, sometimes not. Getting cameras for monitoring is my next step for hours no one can be home and she is relatively safe alone.

I can't speak to the Medicare angle but when I had to find things for my MIL w dementia, I found a lot of stuff cheap on craigslist or a local intranet called Next-door.com or a local charity or church. You mom's mood might be worsening due to age-related brain changes. If you haven't already done this, go with her on next doc appt and have them assess her cognitive skills. This will at least show you that she may not be able to control how she is treating you and it will be "easier" to ignore it. Wishing you peace and solutions.

$220/week?? Idk how many hours you're hiring, but I was looking at $400/week for most agencies because they charge roughly $20-23/hr and have a 4 hr shift minimum. I need an agency like the one you hired!

Medicare is weird. There r requirements that are needed to get certain items. If u have gotten one thing from them, you can't get another. Had a clients wife that had it all figured out. So she would borrow things from our loan closet that she knew she would not need long.

Not sure if anyone can help with this. Call ur Office of Aging and see if they can help.

It is sounding as though the 24/7 care is becoming too much and it is time to consider some placement. Even there so much depends on the financial. Use your Mom's assets for her care now, keep careful records. To be frank, this cannot always be done at home, and you may be coming to know that it is not for you. I wish you luck. It is confusing and frustrating in every single aspect of care in our country. So hard. Good luck.