Follow
Share

My 87 year old mother has been showing signs of mild dementia for 2 years now...confusion, short-term memory loss, etc. She also has congestive heart failure and breathing/balance issues, resulting in several falls with injuries) She hasn't been to her Florida home during the winter for two years now and at this point we three kids feel that she shouldn't be down there alone anymore. Travelling with her in her condition would be a whole other can of worms, as she has mini meltdowns and high anxiety during moderate to major stressful transitions in her day. My brother suggested that she sell her place down there, but she thinks that she'll be going to Florida next year and that she'll be able to stay there by herself even after she's been told that she can't (she's stubborn and in denial that she needs to make some changes). At present, she has some minimal in-home care up North and that seems to be working well.


Being around her too long is caustic to our relationship with her. One week is enough for each of us kids (she acts helpless and can be very manipulative in getting others to do things for her that she could do for herself). So staying with her in Florida for any length of time isn't an option, as her behavior creates too much mental stress for us.


At some point, her Florida home WILL need to be sold and it would be nice to sell it sooner, rather than later when she has no choice due to health. Has anyone had similar experiences with trying to convince a loved one that they need to make some major changes with not being able to be snowbirds anymore?


As a side note...our mother can't make any decisions on her own (her deceased husband did everything for her, which included making new friends. This has crippled her from moving forward in life and seeking out hobbies, interests, new friends, etc. on her own).

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
This dementia thing is just horrible. I'm going through it with my mom too.

I guess I would shift my thinking from focusing on selling the house to keeping her from going to it for now. As already suggested, do NOTHING to help her get to FL. She can have her little pipe dream that it's possible for her to go there on her own. Without help, it would seem like it's highly unlikely that she'd be able to pull it off.

Does anyone have POA? Also, I agree with suggestion of getting her evaluated to see if the POA (if there is one) can be activated. I need to look at my mom's POA too to see if this is something I can do as well. If/when a POA for her can be activated, then the POA can go ahead and sell the house. Frankly, I wouldn't even tell her about it. Just drop the whole FL convo and do what needs to be done to keep her safe.

Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
rustic21 Feb 2022
Thank you for your response. My oldest bro is her POA and his ability to sell her house is something we can research further. She may also just decide on her own to sell if she doesn't have any "support" with travelling down there. She did have an evaluation for dementia last year which she passed, at the time. (General cognitive questions and only missing a couple). They told her that she might have mild onset cognitive decline.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Is anyone your mom's PoA? If so, then take her for a cognitive/memory test at her doctors office so that the PoA authority is activated (please read the document to confirm this is the only requirement). Then the PoA will NOT need your mom's buy-in to sell the house. They just do it and make sure the proceeds are handled correctly so that she isn't ever disqualified from receiving Medicaid. You may want to consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney and/or Medicaid Planner.

Then at some point she can be transitioned into AL or LTC by using a "therapeutic fib" that the house has a gas leak or infestation and everyone needs to stay at a "hotel". The admin staff at most care facilities can help ease her into her room and work on a smooth transition.

If no one is her PoA then the only other options are guardianship by her children or by the county. No one else will be able to legally conduct her affairs without this authority.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
rustic21 Feb 2022
Thank you for these great ideas. She does have a POA and also a second home up North. We just want to sell her home in Florida since it looks like she won't be using it anymore. If she can't make the decision on her own, then we may move forward and sell it. But we feel that she needs to be aware of this (even though she might forget about us telling her!)
(0)
Report
If your mom has dementia, you are not likely to "convince" her of anything.

The only behavior you change is your own. You can state to her that you cannot travel to Florida any longer while she's there and that she will need to make arrangements for there to be adequate support for her care (in home help, emergency alert system).

Does she make travel arrangements on her own? You and the siblings can back off helping with this, which may be the best way to prevent travel. Yes, she will be mad as a wet hen and trash talk you to half the country, but if you truly believe that she will be unsafe, it's what you need to do.

Do think if there is a way to make this safe for her. Or if re-locating to FL year round might be better.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
rustic21 Feb 2022
Thanks for this idea! My brother, her POA, had refused to get her flight ticket (he's always been the one to go online for her to get her flight) last year, so that part has been established. In the past and even now (when she thinks she's still going to Florida in the winter), she will say that it's just too much for her on one end and then talk about going down on the other end.
(0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter