How do you handle your elderly mother who acts disrespectful when interacting with other people?

My mother would do that as well and it was beyond embarrassing. If I said anything to her regarding how she was acting it fell on deaf ears. She would only retaliate towards me and make the situation even worse. So, there was no use to my expressing how I felt - life long experience.

My MIL would do this as well; so I had two of them at the same time. I learned to ignore both of them in public. If they were spouting off; I texted on my phone or looked up e-mails, info, etc. For me, ignoring them was the only thing I could do as otherwise; it became too stressful. They had an answer for everything and would never ever admit to acting improperly, rude, etc.

When my mother was living at the NH; I would apologize to workers, other patients, etc. for her behavior. At least this was a controlled environment where I could at least express myself. Wish I had something concrete to suggest. But with their mentality; there is no winning. I learned from a therapist that I had a choice to how I reacted - 10% is what happens and 90% is how we react to things. It took work to accomplish this; but it taught me a lot.

So, other than always wishing the floor would open and swallow me up during these uncomfortable situations; I just ignore, ignore, ignore. Or, take them out less in public. My reactions prior only gave me high blood pressure and accomplished nothing. Sorry you are gong through this; I do empathize with how you feel. Take care.

I know how this feels. I have a similar issue with my mom. To cite an example: My mom, (who puts herself out there as being a very religious woman,) is pretty much the most racist woman I have ever known. During the spring and summer months, I have to hire a yard crew to see to the lawn and flowerbeds around her home. My mom will station herself at the window to see who is working, If they look like they come from any country other then America, she starts up. Now keep in mind, my mom is hard of hearing, which makes her even LOUDER when she talks. Also remember, this is during the warm months, and I often open the windows around the house to let in fresh air and get a cross breeze. I cannot tell you how many times my mom has stood beside the window and made very loud, rude comments about whoever she saw outside working on her yard. She will make remarks like, "Those foreigners can't do ANYTHING right!"
It's so embarrassing. My mom will do this to the point that the person in the yard simply does his work and never comes back. And who can blame them. Not me. Every season I find myself having to hire a new crew. It's maddening.

I point out to her that her own father immigrated from Italy to the United States, which technically makes her "the daughter of a foreigner".....well, this has no impact on her at all despite the truth of it.

I agree with 3pinkroses reply on this topic. Sometimes you just have to ignore it because to do otherwise will just be far too trying on your patience and your own health.
I did try to take the hardline stance with my mom, telling her that if she didn't stop this behavior that I would stop coming over and doing things for her. This would only work for a short while, and then she is right back by that window with her loud, rude remarks.

Life has a whole lot of conflict, and you really do have to pick and choose your battles. Some stuff is just not worth compromising your own well-being to try and correct. If it's a losing battle, you just have to let it go.

XO

We need to come up with a list of solutions, first where to put them when the time comes (who will put up with them).

My mom is the worst, and if we say anything we are cursing her. She calls the police, has a lawyer contact us, threatens us...

Didn't know there were others like her

Does she have a death wish? Here in the The Bronx, "dissing" people you barely know will earn you -- and whoever is hanging around with you -- a royal beatdown.

Nip it in the bud Debra. Tell your mother she's out of line and apologize to the person she's disrespecting right on the spot. The problem with this, however, is that you'll become the target of her frustrations. Nip that in the bud too.

Advanced age and lung disease are no excuse to mistreat people. Doesn't matter whom, where, or when.

It has happened to me as well with my mother, and with clients I have been a caregiver to in the past. With my mom, I was able to say to the people to whom she directed her ire, "she has dementia, I am sorry:. Most people understand. When I have been with clients, however I am bound by law to not say anything about their health...meaning I just smile. say sorry and leave! Good luck.

SweepsSilly,
I know what you mean. I think it becomes difficult finding places to take our Loved One when they do become verbally abusive, but I know there are places out there. The training that I had to work for agencies in the past was extensive especially in the realm of dementia as most of our clients were suffering with it to a degree. We know that what they say is the disease talking, but it really does take someone special to work with them day in and day out for a full 8-10 hour shift. I was a supplemental caregiver so I never had to do a full shift with someone who was really combative. It takes a lot to do it. I have had to do it with my own mother. Fortunately as the dementia has progressed, she has become docile.

Yes, I feel for you. My mother had problems with putting me down in front of people or saying disparaging things about my weight or clothes, etc.. but also saying inappropriate things a lot more as she got into her 80's. She is now in an assisted living facility (and they are seeing some of this now), but before she went there, and after 50 years of being put down, I finally had it and screamed at the top of my lungs at her and told her I would not be disrespected any longer, after all the hours, days and months of taking her to doctor appts, paying her bills, doing her taxes and finances, I finally could not take it anymore. I think it really scared her as I had never spoken to her like that, ever in my life. She got quiet afterwards and has been on different behavior since then. Just something to think about if this strategy might work for you. I felt better and did not feel bad about it at all afterwards. We do have a better relationship now that she knows I will not tolerate being talked down to or insulted.

Stop being with her in public or until you explain why you do not want to be seen with her. You didn't mention if she has dementia, but self-indulgent people in earlier life tend to be self-indulgent later in life. Their personality tends to stay the same. Tell her your concerns and stop being embarrassed. She is the one who is disrespectful. You cannot control another person, only yourself and how you respond to events.

I went through this with my Mom and made out business like type cards I kept in my pocketbook. When it happened, especially in a waiting room, I handed them a card when I got a chance to. It said to please excuse her as she has alzheimers and she doesnt mean it. I always handed one to the secretary before eye or skin dr visits too.

Leeah4 you're right to get your dad out of your home! Do it as fast as you can and don't let anyone talk you out of it. You have a right to be treated with respect in your own home! And you don't want your daughter picking up those bad habits from your father. Take care of yourself and your daughter. Hugs to you - please keep us posted on how you're doing.