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I have 2 Sisters both nurses one in state one out of state. One out of state gets very upset and mad when I ask for help she does not like being told what to do. So will not help except for a visit for a few days every 4 months. no kids etc. The one in state will come around once every 2 weeks. I have asked, communicated , pleaded with the needs of my parents both age 90. They say ok I will handle that but both repeatedly do not come thru.
I handle everything for my Mother with dementia its taken a very SERIOUS toll on my health and they are both aware of this, but still have not asked "what can I do to help" My Dad has serious health issues but able to care for self except I refill his meds order all his meds and keep track of that. It's has put a major strain on our relationship we all no longer talk. I am sure they are relieved because now I do not fill them in on Mom and Dad and I do not ask them for anything. My Dad cannot help my Mom he is too ill. He has a healthcare nurse that his insurance pays for but they will only help him. The real help they need is with meals. They do not help out with a meals much. One every 2 weeks for Sis in state, and out of state nothing unless I call and ask . They have a meal service but its horrible. Really horrible food they will not eat it.
Help they are the sweetest parents and have helped both out many times when they needed help.

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Sounds like it is time for your parents to
move to assisted living. Probably not what you wanted to hear but it’s the truth. Your parents needs are too much for you manage on your own and it’s not fair for the 3 of you to prop them up so they can pretend they are still independent. Your sisters have shown you that they aren’t interested in helping keep up the charade so I think you should either try to bring in outside help in the form of caregivers or move them both to assisted living.
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I know it’s heart breaking and not a decision to take lightly, but they need placement in assisted living facility, memory care facility or nursing home. You need to take care of your own health as you stated, “ I handle everything for my Mother with dementia its taken a very SERIOUS toll on my health and they are both aware of this, but still have not asked "what can I do to help". It’s not uncommon for an aging caregiver to die from stress related health problems before the care recipient dies. If you are dead or disabled, guess what? Your parents will be put in an assisted living facility or a nursing home anyway. It seems your siblings are either unable or unwilling to take over or at least give you a break. I’m not judge or jury to condemn them for not participating. You mentioned both are nurses. I cannot imagine a nurse who works 8 or 12 hour shifts wanting to do more of the same work when getting home. If you decide that ALF, MCF, or NH placement is needed for your parents, tell your siblings about it and why you chose it. If they object and get angry with you, then one of them will have to take over the caregiver role as it is no longer safe for you to continue. Premature death or disability is NOT an option for you.
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I’m sorry for the situation. Please do yourself the favor of not expecting anything from your siblings. Truly let it go. You can’t make them do anything and you can’t change them. They are adults and have made their choices about what interactions they want with their parents, it’s not your choice for them to do more. It’s sad, frustrating, and annoying, but in the end you have to let it go. The only control you have is over what you do. Do what you want for your parents, help them find help for what you cannot handle.
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You cannot control other family members. They will do as they choose to do. But you can control how long you choose yourself to do this. Pretend that for all intent and purpose you are alone (I am) and the only one handling everything. At the point there is impact on your health it is time to know that it is time for placement. I am so sorry, but it is only being realistic. Again, you cannot change others. I think you have experience enough now to know that. You can only decide how much you yourself can do. I understand they are loving parents. They helped you grow to live your own independent life and that's the job of a parent. They did well. I am sure you all love them. If one lives out of state it is of course impossible with family and job to do anything BUT "not much". In state could help you more, has chosen not to. It is now your decision what to do for your own life. So sorry that you feel so alone, desserted, and obligated to try to do it all. I hope you will come to some peace with decisions that will soon have to be made.
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I forgot to add. Dont even consider your siblings in your plan. It would be nice or convenient but it's not realistic.
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You handle it as though you are an only child. I knew I was on my own caring for my mother not because my sister didn't care but because she just isn't cut out to be a caregiver, without me my mother would have been in a nursing home several years earlier than she was. There may come a point where you can't carry on, it sounds like you may already be there. Leaving your sisters out of the equation what is your plan B?
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I agree. I have similar situation. Take care of YOU! Do what you can do for your parents.
D you have any other family around? Cousins, Aunts. Friends who are willing to lend a hand? Utilize them.
Use the elders community in your town. Palliative care can help. Is there a senior citizens center? Or home health service for both parents you can use? Use them.
I understand 100% because I'm in a similar situation. I am about to be disabled due to RA and Duypuyen contractor. Not from caregiving just from diabetes. But I wont be able to do a lot and I am moving to a plan B. Sometimes what you are used to doing has to get changed up a little. And that's ok.
Hope it works out for you. Be strong .
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