How do you get your fairly independent love one to give up driving?

You ask DMV to revoke their license based on MD recommendations / need.
You won't ever (?) get a person who's or whose been driving for what 70-80 years to voluntarily give up their license. Why would they? Well, a few younger might knowing they could kill themselves or others ... but most / some people will hang on until the end to keep driving.

It isn't luck. It is the reality of how his brain works. There is no 'reasoning' with your dad about this. It ties into the major fear of aging: LOSING INDEPENDENCE ... and more, 'everyone' wants to keep going as they are accustom too ... although as one ages (even ME ... now at 72), physical and mental changes REQUIRE us to change with those natural aging changes. We must adapt to 'what is' and who we are as we change. The problem is that some people DON'T want to do that ... Well . . . . Really ? Even realizing that someone could be killed won't change some people who are 'stuck' into their fears of losing their independence. I, too, HATE the thought of not being able to drive. but I am aware of it and I am overall aware. Others are not aware and/or wired to 'not care' (for the harm they may cause to themselves or others).

You contact the Police Dept and tell them the situation so they will be on the look out for him 'out there on the streets' -

You can disable the car:
- Change the car key on the ring so it won't work.
- Buy a fake car key.
- Take a part out of the car.

If you have the authority (likely you do not), sell his car. Sure, he'll be mad and that is okay. It is better than killing himself or others, inside the car or on the streets. This is a serious issue. You must take control. I'd start with changing the key and contacting his MD indicating he is legally unable to drive due to health reasons.

Read Teepa Snow's website / webinars about elders driving. She has several as this is a huge concern for all of us.

Gena / Touch Matters

I knew someone age 68 who had a stroke. His medical team said he was ready to drive again after months of rehab. Unfortunately, he had troubling attending to his left side, the side affected by the stroke. Couple of hairy near-hits when he pulled out in front of people passing him in left lane. One incident was that he turned onto a road from a restaurant parking lot and then took both hands off the steering wheel, one to adjust the rearview mirror and one to get his sunglasses from the dashboard. Wife grabbed wheel and disaster was averted.

He refused to stop driving, so wife told rehab people about his shortcomings, and they recommended a driving test, but I don't think it was with the county DMV. It was with someone from the same rehab facility in a different county, I think. Anyway, not what you'd usually expect.

He passed the test, who knows how. His scary driving continued. Wife said that the examiner evidently didn't see what she saw when she and spouse were out together. Then husband started drinking from containers in the car while driving. She refused to ride in the car with him, and riding in separate cars went on for 15 months, which was when she had enough money saved to leave him.

There can be all sorts of reasons why a person's driving skills deteriorate. Refusing to believe mom or dad has dementia "enough to keep her from driving" is common. Apparently even those who work with rehabbed patients don't even know when they become too disabled to drive! A friend of mine, age 97 at the time, renewed her driver's license a few years ago, and the DMV didn't even test her vision. I see drivers who shouldn't be driving in my over-55 community. Lots of people complain about them, but nothing is done. Eventually they run into someone else or a building, such as happened four months ago here. Right through the plate-glass window of a store.

Anyone who EVER spots bad driving in ANYONE has the obligation to report it to an agency that will do something - not just their kids, who don't have the heart to just STOP THEM. (Because our sweet Poppy deserves to drive and ruin someone else's life.)

Iinteresting... the OP makes no mention of dementia yet the comments almost all do.

I strongly recommend that people do not lie or trick their elder. It destroys any trust the elder has in you - not only concerning driving but ALL faucets of life. It is a prescription for constant distrust and uncooperation. I stated the reasons I felt my mother should not drive and offered to personally chauffeur her where ever she wanted to go - which I did, often making trips a little more fun with a stop for an ice cream cone or a quick drive by a favorite park or place.

Someone who really has dementia requires different methods BUT over 40% of people 90 or older do NOT have dementia or even significant cognitive decline.

I would make an appointment for him with his primary care physician and accompany him. Contact the physician ahead of the appointment to discuss the situation. The physician can order a drivers evaluation and also report to the state if need be. I would also contact the facility to determine what transportation services they offer to residents and sign him up. This situation is emotional for your loved one as it involves some loss of independence so be kind and gentle.

I handled it with my husband as follows:
1. His primary care doctor is board certified in geriatric medicine. All of her patients receive a basic cognitive screening, vision, 6 minute walk, hearing, etc. at their annual physical. If the patient shows deficits, they are referred to the appropriate specialist(s) for resolution. She also discussed the effects of aging on driving skill.
2. My husband was referred to audiology for hearing aids, neurology for cognitive impairment, and occupational therapy for a driving assessment.
3. His neurologist told him he cannot drive. However, he subsequently passed his driving assessment which also has a cognitive component.
4. Once a doctor tells a patient they cannot drive, insurance will not cover it if they get into an accident. My husband is very rational so he stopped driving when the neurologist told him he shouldn't .
5. But since he passed his driving assessment, he agreed he would only drive to the supermarket and golf course.
6. When we lived in California where there is mandatory reporting of unsafe driving by healthcare professionals, he was reported to the DMV. He passed.

Before the CA DMV and his healthcare team got involved, his friends, family, and adult children called him out on his poor driving habits for years to no avail. Once the DMV and healthcare professionals got invilved and he stood to permanently lose his license, he became very motivated. He took driving lessons to prepare for the CA DMV road test.

The key is to involve his doctor and if he was in fact reported to the DMV, he will receive a notice for a medical review. It is a buracratic process but fair. You can support him by teaching him how to use ride share, checking out other forms of transportation for seniors, etc.

Let the state do the dirty work! Meanwhile, you may want to hide his keys, at your house?
It took my state about two month to respond to an inquiry for my husband.

This is such a touchy subject with the elderly and I get it...driving was our first feeling of independence and freedom and to have it taken away is devastating.

There are doctors who diagnose dementia and give a "simulated driving test". It measures their response time and whether they obey signs and lights, etc. after the test the doctor will tell them whether they should be driving based on the results.
You could disable the car (disconnect the battery) or hide the keys until he goes to the BMV. Depending on how aware he is, you could take the car away and tell him it is being repaired. Every time he asks about it just tell him they have ordered parts.

Here is the text of a letter I gave to my sister 2 years ago (she was 94 at the time). I added a "Copy to" attorney who prepared her Power of Attorney document. I did not give the attorney a copy, but did that to create the impression that this was more than a discussion between the two of us.


Subject: Driving your car

Dear

This is to confirm that this morning (Monday, August 29) I gave you your purse, at your request,. It contained your wallet with various identification cards, driver’s license, credit cards, keys for your car and your house, and other miscellaneous items.

I suggest that you do not drive. Keep your license because you can use it for identification but give me your car keys the next time you see me.

You don’t drive as well as you previously did. You put yourself, innocent pedestrians, and other drivers at risk. I know you think you drive better than many other drivers, but when an accident occurs what you think will not help you out of the legal mess in which you find yourself. Your insurance policy will not begin to cover the amount you can be sued for if you are found at fault in an accident. Everything you cherish and have worked for will be at risk, not to mention the regret or remorse you may feel  because of the injuries or even deaths you cause.  

You have made comments and inferred that “we” (,,,,, and I) are trying to hinder you and are making your life difficult by straightening up, cleaning up, and getting rid of unnecessary clutter in your house. You told me on Sunday that you felt like a burglar has been in your house. I was surprised by the implication, that “things” were missing since you went to the hospital. I told you that if a burglar had gotten in your house, he would have broken a leg trying to find his way around and if you went to court you would be guilty of sloppy housekeeping.  

How you choose to live in your own house is up to you, but to take that self-centered  attitude on the streets and put others at risk is the height of irresponsibility. Despite appearances to the contrary, you do occasionally demonstrate common sense and concern about others. I suggest that giving me the keys to your car would be a step in that direction.

In closing I want to emphasize that this is not intended to start a debate or create an ongoing discussion about driving. It is intended to encourage you to give me the keys to your car and for you to willingly stop driving in the interest of your self-preservation and the safety of others on the road.

Being able to independantly use a taxi is still being independant 😁

My crystal ball guesses that is next 🔮

Yes it takes more planning. Money too BUT cars cost money to run (fuel, servicing, registration, insurance etc) Alot of money actually.

Yes he may still know HOW to drive, nobody doubts that.. it's as they said below: Reaction time, kids on the road. Heck, I have to watch for wandering old people in my area (so many age care homes).

At 95, with hearing impairment, phoning for a taxi may be hard. Communicating with the driver hard too. Plus safely manourering in & out of the vechicle, ensuring you book a sedan(not a too high SUV). Maybe manouve a cane or walker too.

If not safe, then family (or a support worker) are required for transport. Yep. Old age sucks.

Let's face it. We start of in a pram, learn to ride a little trike, then a two wheel bicycle, ride buses & trains, drive a car, ride taxis, use a wheeler, use a wheelchair. Finanally get wheeled out in a coffin on a trolley into a hearse.

The wheels keep changing as we go.

ItsPat7683, extreme stubbornness is an early behavioral symptom of dementia, not a personality trait. Dementia robs people of their ability to use reason and logic. It progressively worsens their judgment, and prevents them from being able to empathize with others. This is why "talking" to him about his driving and running over children will be pointless. Time for you to be proactive.

Talk to him about the danger posed by slower reflexes and diminished peripheral vision frequent among the elderly. These are common and no one's fault. Suggest a vision check by an ophthalmologist (maybe one he's visited before). Or maybe testing by the DMV will do the trick.

If he's been an excellent and safe driver, remind of that, too. If he's not as quick as he used to be, it's not his fault. But remind him that if a careless child should run into the street in front of him and be injured (or worse) he'd never never forgive himself.

ItsPat7683: Remove a key element in his automobile.

Take the keys . Let him think he lost them.

That will open up the discussion that he should no longer drive .

Here is a late San Francisco article I want to share that is an example of an unsafe driver that happened one week ago.

She is 78 years old and speeded an SUV into a bus shelter that killed three of a young family of four; a second baby died from severe injuries just days afterwards. Very sad. This family was waiting for public transportation to visit the S.F. zoo and never made it. S.F. mayor is addressing safety on our roads.

West Portal victims: 2-year-old baby, parents killed in San Francisco West Portal bus stop crash identified - ABC7 San Francisco (abc7news.com)

The Medical Examiner's office on Tuesday identified the victims as Diego Cardoso de Oliveira, 40, and Matilde Ramos Pinto, 38. Their 1-year-old child, Joaquin Ramos Pinto de Oliveira, was also identified.
INTERACTIVE: Take a look at the ABC7 Neighborhood Safety Tracker
The crash happened Saturday when the woman crashed an SUV into a bus shelter on Ulloa Street.
A 78-year-old woman was arrested for the crash on suspicion of vehicular manslaughter and reckless driving. She has not yet been formally charged.

Please help unsafe drivers stay off the road and use alternative transportation instead.

I shared this before and will share again. My late mother at age 92 in 2012 insisted she could still drive when her even when doctors reported her as an unsafe driver at age 88 because of her heart condition. My family got after me to get the keys away from her and disable the car. I tried to keep the keys away from her but it did not work. So, when I lost my job in 2012, I started driving her everyplace and did not allow her to use her car. I kept her car away from her in an inaccessible range and changed parking spaces, also kept it clean for one year. Finally, it was time for its annual inspection. When it required a $500 job to fix the steering wheel crack, my mother decided to not pay for it and sell the car instead! That resolved our problem! Shortly afterwards, Mom had to enter a nursing home after several falls at home.

my moms car was at the dealer getting serviced. i figured she would remember how to drive after 70 years of driving—shes 87. nope. she asked me to go get soneone to tell her what to do. i took the keys went and talked to the assistant manager whos a family friend and asked him to keep the car. he agreed. we live 6 hours away. we are planning on selling it. i do have poa.
so when she brings it up i remind her what she said, she denies it, and we argue. she threatens to call the lawyer but never does.
its likely not the best way to deal with it but since the doctor knows she has dementia but never told her, this is what i am doing.
i drive her everywhere which i dont mind doing.

This is not an easy situation to be in. We reported my FIL to the DMV which took 5 weeks for them to send him a letter requiring retesting. They gave him 3 months in which to comply. He waited to the last possible minute to take the test. Our state allows 5 (yep, 5) tries to pass the test before they suspend his license for 1 year or permanently revoke it. He will be 93 in September. He has failed 4 times. His license is currently suspended, and he has a learner's permit. His 5th try is on April 2. We removed the license plate from his car. Until we did that, we caught him driving alone anyway. He has stopped speaking to us and has convinced the neighbors to take him for his 4th and 5th tests. So, we won't know the outcome unless one of them develops a conscience. They are all elderly and feel sorry for him. He bought himself an electric scooter and scoots to the grocery store, pharmacy, and ALF where his wife lives in a memory care unit. This is not safe for anyone, but he thinks there is a conspiracy theory at work here against old people driving. BTW, the event that caused us to take action was finding him "asleep" on his couch with the car running in his closed attached garage.

Police can prevent someone from driving if they seem "impaired" at the time of the traffic stop or have commited an offense. But only a judge or the DMV can cease someone's driving privileges long-term or permanently.

The police don't assess whether someone has dementia. They make decisions based on the actions of that driver at the time they are stopped.

I once reported what I thought was a drunk driver. His vanity plate said "BARF" (a retred doctor). The 911 operator knew who it was immediately and told me it was a very elderly man who they obviously had stopped before.

There's a legal process that takes place from the police's end, but it may differ by state. The senior needs to commit some sort of infraction for the cops to take the senior away and impound the car. If there are enough violations in their record then they have more leverage take it to the next level to restrict their driving, through a judge and/or the DMV.

i should have added that there are plenty of people on the road both young adults and older who are a danger to the road.

wow! that's a hard one - i am 77 and independant and dred the day i have to give up driving - it's depressing enough getting older and then to have to give up the one thing that gives me independence is more depressing - i don't mean to sound so negative but it's true! my dad had decided on his own, to give it up but then i was the one who ended up having to take him to the dr etc. now i think there are people who you can pay to do that, if you can trust them. good luck and God Bless

Take his keys away. He is a danger to himself and others!

His keys need to get "lost." Your dad ran a stop sign and could have been killed. He could have killed an innocent child, or a family, or hit a bus. You already know that dad shouldn't be driving anymore, so quit trying to convince. It's time to demand.

Methinks you've always deferred to dad, but this is different. Are you afraid he'll get mad at you? Cut you out of the will? Please examine the reason that in your mind, it's not okay for you to demand something that's for his own safety and that of others.

My BIL was killed at age 49 by a drunk driver. BIL left four children and a young wife. Life was never the same for any of us. Needless to say, I have no patience with those who drive impaired or those who allow them to do it when they know it could mean injury or death for people who didn't deserve it.

Gosh, I wish that officers were better informed about seniors with dementia. I wonder if there's any way you might contact your local police office and enlist their help in "catching" your father. They are usually super willing to help out. This sounds like there is no time to lose, so my recommendation would be to call them right away and get the wheels rolling more quickly. The main thing I'd suggest is that the "taking away of the keys" come from someone outside the family and that the car disappear from view. Some people disable the car somehow- you'll find it here somewhere. Lots of strength to you...

Every night my GFs ALZ Dad would put his keys and wallet in his pants pockets, fold the pants up and put them over the back of his chair. Her parents did kot share a room anymore because he was up at 5am in the morning. This one morning he goes into his wifes bedroom and says he can't find his pants. She looks everywhere, cabinets, stove, microwave, ect. No pants. She tells him this means he cannot drive anymore, no keys, no license and he agrees. A woman at Church if she had checked undervhis mattress. Mrs Svsaid that she makes his bed. Woman says, way under his mattress...and there the pants were. Mrs S took the wallet and keys and hid them in her room. By this time, Mr. S had excepted he no longer could drive. She sold his car and bought herself one.

My father was a truck driver for nearly 50 years. So, I knew that taking his keys or his vehicles would be a tremendous battle. Instead of taking the keys or the vehicles or disabling them in any way, I purchased identical keys but did not have them electronically programmed to work the cars (both vehicles are fairly new and the keys not only have to be cut correctly, but also must be programed - in the alternative you could just have the keys cut wrong so they will not work). I then swapped out the keys when he was not looking. He has 24-7 care so if he ever wants/needs to go somewhere, we take him. Since we always drive him, he rarely tries to drive. Nevertheless, there have been several times when he is having an "episode" (the nicest name I can think for those occasions) that he decides he is "going home" (he lives at home), going to work (he has not worked in 20 years), or "I am getting out of this place", and he has tried to drive. Of course the keys do not work and he eventually gives up and within a short time he has forgotten. Swapping out the keys allowed him, in his mind, to keep his independence, while still assuring that he did not drive and endanger himself and others. Just as an aside, I swapped the keys over three years ago. Over the course of those years, he has gotten to the point that he doesn't even remember the keys and we just did not return them to him after he "lost" them one time.

He might have forgotten that he can still drive until the retest. So take him everywhere he needs to go until then. Hide his keys. He may or may not pass the test.

I will follow this one closely. My 83 yr old husband still says he’s fine at driving n to this point nothing has happened worth mentioning yet. I say yet. I’ve noticed scrapes n bumps on vehicle n also garage. Just this month alone he’s collapsed 3 times from low sugars or BP or? Fortunetly not while driving. Discharged from hospital yesterday n will question his primary Dr at his follow up visit. This will not go easy

Hello. I've walked in your shoes. When my mom was in her late 80's and had Alzheimer's, she (stubbornly) thought she could still drive, and that was driving me crazy. I sent a note to her doctor before a scheduled appointment,(I drove us there),and the doc steered the conversation to driving, and said how lucky my mom was to have a daughter as a chauffeur,and with increasingly bad trafic around here, it was a good idea to let me do the driving. In that way, it was the "doc's" decision, and not mine. When I wrote a book about Hubby and I taking care of my mom when she had Alzheimer's ("My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale"), I have a chapter entitled, "Car Ma, I mean Karma," detailing this issue. It's frustrating for everyone. Maybe with your dad, you can make the idea of being a passenger seem like a gift, rather than a restriction. As we all know, driving involves not only the rules of the road, but the unwritten ones, that involve judgment, perception, quick reflexes, etc.Best of luck.

Thanks for the advice. To clarify, the officer immediately talked to his supervisor and they will let the DMV know that he HAS to take a new exam that will be more than just the driving test. Reflex time, some cognitive skills tests. He also followed him home (about 2 miles). Unfortunately, the car is parked in a garage with cameras. Trust me, we've even contemplated having the car mysteriously "disappear". I have POA, which means nothing in this situation because he's legally permitted to drive at this time. And, yes, I'm terrified that he'll pass the test.

I know cops that ticket every mom who doesn’t take the time to buckle their kids up. They are good cops.

My oldest daughter tried to get out of buckling up. Kids wouldn’t be kids if they didn’t try. She was excited to get to the playground. It is up to us not to let them get away with it!

I told my daughter that the wheels didn’t turn if she wasn’t buckled up! LOL 😆

Well, one day my dad tried to get away without buckling up. My three year old from the back seat says, “Grandpa! You have to buckle up or the wheels won’t turn. My dad looked at me and said, “Is that what you told her? That’s brilliant! I guess I better buckle up!

I realize that it’s harder to control your dad in this situation. It’s sad and dangerous for everyone who is on the road around him.

The cop who flagged down your dad screwed up!