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I take care of my 94-year-old father who is in an assisted memory care unit. He relies on me for everything. I am an only child so the responsibility falls solely on me to take care of him. My husband is good in helping me out by going to visit my father a couple times a week. I have a daughter that does the 20 minute visit with him once a week.


My father is friendly with visitors and my husband but when I go he is very demanding and wants things done a certain way. I feel once again I’m the little girl. My father is not an easy person to take care of because he’s very demanding and stubborn and he’s always gotten what he wants and he doesn’t like that he can’t control his environment anymore.
My father had to go into the hospital with double pneumonia due to aspirating food and then went to rehab. I was with him every day for over a month.


Also, the facility that he’s in seems to be slipping in their care of their patients which is frustrating. He was supposed to have mechanical soft food and it took a week for them to do that and he is supposed to have pills crushed or put in applesauce because he has a swallowing problem. I caught the med tech giving him a Capsule to swallow one night after he returned from the hospital.


My dad had to go to the ER last weekend because of a bowel impaction because when he returned from the rehab facility the orders were to give him something for his bowels as needed. The memory care facility didn’t give him any thing for his bowels when he got back ( he was usually given something every day at the memory care unit )and after five days he was at the ER.


I am frazzled from having to do my fathers hitting all the time i’m trying to do things for my husband as well as trying to watch the facility in the care that they give to my father.


When my dad needed to go to memory care I checked out nine different facilities in the area. At the time this memory care unit seem to be the best but in the past year their care has not been as good as it was at one time. I have met with the director of the building on different occasions and they have listen to me and have made some changes but I feel they are still lacking when I have to still watch over my dad every day. None of the other memory care facilities have good reputations.


I’m exhausted and I’m getting headaches and I feel like I can’t get enough sleep. I’m not sure what to do to get myself back to where are used to be.

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You cannot make it perfect. It will never be perfect. You can be there awake 24/7 at his side and it still will not be perfect. You are going to have to get some help for yourself I am afraid in dealing with life changes; sometime a licensed Social Worker who works with this can be an enormous help in a few visits.
I need to have you look at this constant visiting, constantly needing to be there or know someone else will, devoting every single second to your father, or to THINKING and WORRYING about your father when you aren't there in a different way. You are seeing it as a need. It isn't. You cannot prevent mishaps and problems in this long slow slide your Dad is on. So you are making this your life choice. As though this is YOUR end of life care. It isn't. It is where your Dad is.
You have a family. Your devotion, love and caring is now for your own primary family first. Then for your father. The truth is that he may be a good deal more appreciative of a healthy, glowing, non-worrying daughter three times a week, than a worrying, questioning, fretting, never-can-do-it-right daughter every single day.
Your Dad is in memory care now. Let them care for him. Clearly he has many problems, one of them being difficulty swallowing. This will be ongoing for him. As might hospital visits. I am so sorry, but you are making this not just caring for your father, but obsessing over your father now, to the extent you are giving up living your life.
Discuss this with your family. Try to come to some limits on all of this, or you will wear out to the point where you yourself become sick. The constant feed of stressful hormones into your system is deadly. You do not deserve it.
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I’m sorry you are so stressed. I am slightly confused because your father is already in a facility and being cared for. It would be more of a challenge if he was in your home, right?

If the care isn’t up to pat you will have to speak to the facility about your concerns.

Is he demanding about legitimate medical needs or is he asking for unreasonable requests from you that won’t make a difference regarding his care? If these demands aren’t necessary than tell him you will not be able to help him. If it is important than you can be an advocate for him.

As far as being an ‘only child’ even people who have other siblings don’t always have help with caregiving. It stinks and you aren’t alone.

I hope you take the time to catch your breath and regroup. It sounds like you are frazzled and reaching the end of your rope.

Best wishes. I hope that you find peace very soon. Hugs!
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anonymous838683 Oct 2019
Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it!
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Concur strongly with above.

You need to draw some boundary lines. He IS being cared for. Not perfectly, but perfect does not exist. You have to learn to be OK with that.

Please start cutting back on your time there. If you go X hours per day, cut it in half, today and every day moving forward.

Since he is in memory care, he will not know for sure that you are there less. If he does complain about it, that's ok. Let it roll right off your back.

You can still keep an eye on things in a much shorter period of time.

Good luck!
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Granny,

It certainly can reach that point of having to place someone. It’s hard no matter if a person is being cared for in your home or in a facility.

I truly hope that you get relief soon. It’s exhausting to be stressed.
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anonymous838683 Oct 2019
It is exhausting. There are 20 people to 1 aide. Government allows that ratio. What a shame!
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As an only child, you likely have a need (like I do) to make everything perfect for your father. To oversee everything and everybody. To make sure every iota of detail is seen to and properly carried out. Which is too big a burden for any mere mortal to take on. Make sure the staff at his MC are doing their jobs, of course, then let the rest GO. It's really the only way. Let them do the caregiving, that's what he's paying for. Your job is to be the daughter and do the visiting and have pleasant chats, etc. If you find the facility continues to make big mistakes, get him placed elsewhere. But it's always better to minimize their moves, since they do cause more confusion and decline in general.
Try to let go of what you can and realize things will never be perfect. You are a great daughter and he's lucky to have you!
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anonymous838683 Oct 2019
Thank you for your realistic thoughts. Yes I just want people to do their job that they get paid for. There are a couple of aides I really trust. The facility can’t seem to keep their aides - they are understaffed with one aide per 20 people at night. Unfortunately that is what the government allows. What a shame!!!!
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It is so hard because we want the facilities to care for a LO the way we would care for him or her. That just isn't the case. You can't hover over him. They are always understaffed. They do the best they can. They all seem to be this way. You are not alone. My mother n law had dementia and cancer and was in pallative care at a nursing home. All of us family members didn't think she was getting the proper care. That they didn't do enough for her. That they didn't come in and talk to her. etc, etc;. Well my brother n law and sister n law said they were pulling her out of there and bringin her into their home and they would take proper care of her!! Big mistake!!! they found out really quick!! Big mistake!! They said taking care of her was harder than taking care of a newborn!! She was constantly trying to get out of her bed. She was on oxygen and the cancer was spreading to her bones making her not able to walk. Her screaming she wanted to go home!! Her peeing the bed!! Her shouting out in the middle of the night someone was trying to kill her!!! on and on and on it went. They couldn't take it anymore. She was only their less than a week when they called hospice to take over. They came in and gave her more morphine. They were waiting for a bed at the hospice facility but only had 15 beds. She had to stay with my brother n law and sister n law. She died 2 weeks later at their house. It was very hard on my brother n law and sister n law to take care of her. They thought it was going to be easy. It was one of the hardest things they ever had to do!! Please let go of it. Let them take over and do their job. Go less frequently to visit. You need to carry on with your own life before it is too late. We are not getting any younger. None of us are. You deserve happiness in your life!!
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anonymous838683 Oct 2019
Thank you for your thoughts! I appreciate your realistic thoughts in telling me about how hard it was for your in-laws to take care of mom.
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