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I got us $600 for every 6 months for respite care but he has been refusing to use it unless I go with them.
What's the point of that?

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This is a common situation. One I am watching with my own parents now (in reverse).

The short answer the Doctor gave was "She doesn't get to say no - the respite is for him."

My own interpretation is the dependant person (due to ALZ or many other conditions) trusts you. They feel comfortable with you, they can communicate easier with you, you know what they want quicker etc. So acknowledge this - what a great caregiver you are.

Unfortunately, the dependant person loses the judgement they once had. They may have lost empathy to see it from your point of view. Cannot see that relying on only one person is unreasonable. *Lack of insight* maybe want the Doctor will call it. I believe it also takes some acknowledgment on the caregiver's part to accept this loss of reason.

Alz is a long haul. Way too big for a lone caregiver. Support for you & your DH is required by a team.

When trying to get a bigger team for my family, either paid aides into the home or using respite accommodation, I came up against the same reason you presented. The dependant person didn't want it.

But more than that, the bigger barrier I found was was the caregiver not wanting to go against the care recipient's wishes. It looked simple from the outside - eg they need the care so organise the care. But it meant acknowledging the relationship had changed. That the caregiver has shifted from 'I will do what they want' to 'I will do what they NEED'. What they need is a team. In your case what will help him is a wife who still has enough energy & love to continue, not being burnt out.

Committed, I would suggest calling your local Alz organisation. They will have experience of this. Other councelling may help too. To gain support for the next part of this journey.

You will need to take the reins now.
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If he is going to a facility for you to get your respite, you let him see you pack both your bags. You “check in”, perhaps have lunch together, get him settled, then leave.

Respite is for you.
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Are you looking for a full day of respite? A week? A couple of hours several days a week? If you're looking for a full day or a few hours several days a week, why not bring someone into the house instead of dropping him off? Maybe hire an agency. Maybe see if the church has volunteers to stay with him. Call the Alzheimer's Assn or/and the local Area Agency on Aging to get some ideas. The first time or two, don't immediately leave the house, in fact, don't leave the house at all. Spend time with the 3 of you so so he becomes familiar with the person. Discuss your husband's likes and dislikes with the person. (I made the mistake of leaving shorly after the aide arrived... not good).

We all get to point we need some time for ourselves. I think the 2 agencies I mentioned can help. Good luck.
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