How do you defend yourself when your spiteful mom (86) tattles to family & friends making up the meanest gossip about me?

You take her to the nearest nursing home and let them deal with her. We owe our parents to care for them, but they burn that bridge down when they defame your character. Seriously, you get her admitted asap and make sure they know how bad she has been to you. You are being abused.

Have you talked to her about how hurtful this is? Ask her to stop or she can find other arrangements.Then I would ask her to tell others the truth of your impeccable care. Then tell the family that judges you to take over her care.

Reoffthehook, you've done your job. Your mother may have undiagnosed dementia, or she may just be mean. Isolation, resentment and anger are bad for your physical and mental health. You owe it to yourself and your mother to get out of this untenable situation. If the whole family already thinks you a mean old witch, then putting her in a comfortable, clean care facility with three shifts of caregivers isn't going to tarnish your reputation any, is it. Just do it.

Make the "friends and family" give you a break.. Or else let them take on your Mom. Maybe they won't talk to you because they are afraid they are next on the hit list? after 9 years you NEED a break

You put your side of the story in a format that they won't be able to resist reading or listening to, and you give them a link to here, where it is common knowledge that confabulation happens and that every word out of the mouth of a person with dementia may not be accurate. Most people actually do not know about this and and quick to assume they are hearing a straight story from the elder, even if it is totally and wildly out of character for the person they are tattling on to have ever thought of dong such a thing. It may not be emotionally easy to accept that your elder loved one is losing their judgement and empathy, becoming unable to distinguish fears and nightmares from reality, and as nuts as it sounds, it may feel easier to accept that a sibling carer is not the good person they thought they knew. It seems beyond reason, but there it is, a very common story on here. And the spitefulness may be chronic or may not be, but often the elder cannot accept what is happening to their mental and physical ability to manage as they once did and believe someone has to be at fault; usually their carer closest to them is the most convenient target of blame.

And if you are not POA, call that person and tell them its thier turn...

Reoffthehook, I just read your profile and you made some good points.... the example of the hamster wheel pretty much says it all :)

I agree with Pam above, time for your Mom to live in a new environment... that way she can befriend dozens of women and they all can gossip together... one trying to out do the other with who had the worst caregiver !! And none of them telling anything that actually happened.