How do you deal with your own anxiety issues (caregiver burnout)? I feel anxiety in my chest and have trouble breathing sometimes.

I'm so sorry you're faced with such an anxiety inducing situation. I was married to a man with personality disorders for 22 years, and he was a very aggressive, in-your-face kind of person that caused me a lot of anxiety too. We never went out either because of all the embarrassment he'd cause me. I've had people come up to me and say "Wow, he won't allow you to have a good time, will he?" I wound up divorcing him to save my own sanity, and then he developed stage 4 colon cancer (he's still alive 3 years later).

Have you tried CBD oil? Without THC, the oil can help a lot with anxiety. With THC, it can really take the edge off of everything. I don't know if it's legal where you live or not........? In any event, at some point you'll need to do SOMETHING, so talk to your doctor if CBD oil is not an option. I had post-traumatic stress disorder in 2000 and finally went to the doctor when the anxiety symptoms became too much for me to handle. He prescribed Paxil which changed my life. It was like a switch being turned OFF inside of me, allowing me to relax and calm down. I was able to get off of it at a later time and never had another need for a prescription, thank God.
Best of luck and here's a big hug!!

TerriLou, I had thought the same thing about taking pills for anxiety. I refused to do it. Even after crashing and burning twice from physical and mental exhaustion I still refused pills. Nope, nada, never.

It eventually got to a point where I needed "help" and my primary doctor did recommend some very low dosage pills for anxiety, and also recommended talk therapy. I gave both a try. Now I could kick my self, big time, for not doing this years earlier because anxiety can really do a major number on your all over health and well-being.

So sorry to read what you are going through with hubby. It isn't easy, and it isn't fair. For me, it was my very elderly parents. I also worried about the future and the possible cost of care. Then I realized we have the wonderful State program of Medicaid to help us during that time. So remembering that gave me some relief. And Medicaid works it out so that the spouse who is remaining at home can still live without feeling financial strapped.

I also found a talk-therapist who was around my age and who had been a caregiver [her parents] so she REALLY understood what I was going through. It was just a relief to be able to let-it-all-out to someone who was actually listening.

Thank you so much! Yes, the personality disorders I believe may be the worst thing I deal with. It’s hard; he’s very dramatic, needy, in your face, and histronic. He thinks people like store managers and clerks are good friends, not acquaintances. Hard to explain. If I turn right when driving, he asks why I didn’t turn left. If I park, he says he wouldn’t have parked here, he would’ve parked there. Suffice it to say, everything is aggravating.

I tried my daughter’s CBD brownies, but couldn’t stand the smell of them. I hope we can perfect the recipe. I do like natural remedy.

Terry, maybe you should talk to Medicaid. Your husband is only going to get worse and maybe violent. Please if he ever hits you call the police and ask he be taken out of the home. You fear for your safety. They may have him evaluated and u can have him placed in a NH.

Medicaid will not leave you impoverished. You will not lose your home. Like freqflyer said, you will be left enough money to live. My friends mother kept her home and never seemed like there were money woes.
You can't continue this way.

Terri--

I really respect your choice to not take pills for anxiety--and for a lot of people, they can work through the stresses of life and deal with anxiety unmedicated.

I can't. Tried for years and years to tough it out--and finally a complete shutdown landed me in the hospital---and I was examined head to toe b/c of the chest pains, nonstop crying, hysteria---and the very first thing they did was give me 2 Xanax and within an hour I was FINE. Holy Cow. I was calm, I had an appetite, I was ME. It was amazing.

So--20+ years later--I have been on something for anxiety and depression. At first I was VERY ashamed and didn't talk about it. Now, I find it's far more common than not.

I am now giving CBD oil a shot. It's hard to tell if it works or not. I have a VERY stressful DH and he is great guy, but VERY intense and hard to live with. (By no means is he cruel)--he is just a lone wolf who does what he wants on his terms--it's been a ride being married to him. I joke with him that I medicate for anxiety because of him--and it's really true. He's put me through a lot and doesn't think that what he does affects me--as what I do doesn't affect him!

If my DH was EVER abusive to me-I would leave. I am so sorry that your DH has ALZ, you think about leaving him and the guilt slides in, doesn't it?

Sick or not---you need to feel safe. Think of your options. Plan ahead to have him placed in a NH if you think he's getting worse and you can't cope with him.

Don't just dismiss taking something for anxiety as being "bad"---unrelenting stress is worse than taking an antianxiety drug. My DH had 2 heart attacks last summer--either one should have killed him--but didn't. I was 24/7 caring for him for several months and one day realized I needed to have my hair cut--went into the salon and my hairdresser pulled my hair back from my face and said "Look at this" pure white hair. Stress had done that.

Talk therapy is good also, if you can afford it. I have to pay out of pocket--so I can only go once a month or so. But I make the time for it.

Good luck with this--and come back. We're always here!

I’m so sorry that you have to deal with all of that. You have so much on your plate. A lot of people couldn’t handle what you have.

You’re bound to have extreme anxiety. I deal with anxiety too. Then the guilt comes shortly after. So many mixed emotions to deal with. Actually, I know I am doing all I can and somehow feel a failure. At least that’s what I deal with and it drives me nuts.

I have to stop judging myself how my siblings judge me. They don’t help, then have the nerve to criticize.

Even without others criticizing us, we can be hard on ourselves. I wonder if it’s because we feel so helpless in our situation.

Anxiety is a terrible thing. It’s real, not in our imagination. We’re not overreacting, just overwhelmed.

None of us should live with any stigma about any struggles in a stressful situation. Doesn’t matter if it’s depression or anxiety or a combination of issues. Just plain hard for caregivers, period. Personal choice as to how we individually choose to deal with things.

What works for some isn’t right solution for others. Can be tricky to figure it out. We have to be kind to ourselves, just as much as we try to be kind to others.

I find I second guess myself due to being overwhelmed and I get frustrated. I think we are all seeking peace in our lives. Not perfection, but peace. There isn’t a perfect world.

It sounds like he is becoming combative. You may consider desperately talking to his physician to inquire if your spouse has developed psychosis. Many do with Alzheimer’s. There are mood medications to help with the behavior. Unfortunately, the Illinois is set up, they’ll help more if you’re legally divorced without ANY assets for a period of 2,5 to 5 years.
Lastly, caregiver burnout is real. Your Dept on Aging program will help with care giver services to give you some relief time for free as long as you don’t have min assets.

You should seen an Elder Care Lawyer to make sure you are protected and if possible begin Medicare application process for him.
A few questions for you..
1. Is he a Veteran? If so there may be help the VA can provide. And depending on when he served and where he may qualify for A LOT of help or just a little. But any help is better than none!
2. You need to find a Support group for yourself. This site is great but you need real people. The people in your support group will become your new friends because old friends tend to drop by the wayside as you travel down this path.
3. Do you have a Therapist you can talk to? You should and if they write you a prescription for an anti anxiety medication take the RX and get it filled you don't have to take them but just knowing they are there can help. And it is not a forever for as long as you live medication. Think of them as an Aspirin that you might take if you get a headache, you don't take them every day..same thing with anti anxiety medications. (some people may have to take them daily some not it depends on the situation)
4. Have you looked into Adult Day Care for him? A few days a week would be good for him and you to have some time and space.
5. Have you thought about when and if you will place your Husband in a Memory Care Facility?
I guess my last question is several in one.. Is he still getting treatment for the cancer? Is it still active? Have you thought about Hospice? With Hospice you will get someone that will come in a few times a week to help bathe, dress him. You will get a nurse that will come every week to check on him, a Social Worker that will be assigned to you. You will have the ability to request a Volunteer that will come in and sit with him while you run errands or just drive around screaming to vent that frustration! And you will get all the equipment you need as well as supplies.

I concur with advice given by Grandma 1954!

Also - I didn't read anything in your post about you getting any time for you. It is essential that you put some space between husband and yourself - on a regular basis. Get out with friends, go to the library to read a magazine, indulge in some hobby. Get husband out of the house - day program, occasional overnight respite, local volunteers -

The VA has been a blessing - the day program (2x a week) is wonderful!
I arranged for Dad to stay for two 2-week respites last year so I could get away.

In our area we have a program that matches vetted and trained volunteers to spend time with people with ALZ. We have four such volunteers - who come weekly or occasionally to take dad to lunch, a walk, to a museum, play games/do puzzles at home.

I think for your mental and physical health it may be time to consider placing him into a memory care unit. I know this sounds like you are deserting him, but it’s not. You are making a decision to provide care for him in a way that is best for you and him. That is love!

My doctor has put me on a very mild dose of Buspirone on occasion, an anti anxiety drug that has been around for awhile. If I don't want to go that route another thing I do is breathing exercises where I breath slowly in, count to 3, then exhale imagining all the bad and stress is going out into the air, across the field, down the street, or wherever, but it is gone from me. I do this a few times a day.

As long as your doctor doesn't have any objection, you might consider the herb
St. John's Wort for both you and your husband for depression & anxiety. It takes approximately two weeks to take affect. I have found reading some good books a good outlet for myself. It takes you out of yourself & to another place.

Would he be eligible for Medicaid so that you could place him in a Alzheimer's facility as the disease progresses?

I agree with using anti anxiety drugs if you need them but I would also suggest CBT cognitive behavioural therapy and advice from a behavioural therapist for yourself. I found it a godsend also maybe some anti depressants like cymbalta, this saved me. It is so much more then an anti depressant . Best of luck
Pa trick

My mother passed away last June after 3.5 years of progressive dementia. The last 1.5 years was stage 4. The things you are doing to take care of yourself is fantastic! But e everyone needs a break. See if you have a circle of family or friends that might relieve you for a few hours or a few days. Like the designated driver idea. Make plans s to go to dinner or a movie with friends and one person rotates each time to stay with your husband. Not sharing with those that care about you and asking for support is a prime reason for bur out. Get past any embarrassment or shame. Those who love you will understand and want to help. I also hired a day nurse once in awhile so I could get out and do something I enjoyed. With a doctor's assigning this as needed care I was able to have Medicare pay for some of the costs. Not to sound u caring but when a doctor determines he is within 6 months of passing connect with hospice services. They were fantastic and a life saver for me. They continue their support even if he doesn't pass within 6 months. Hang in there. You are not alone. I know it is heartbreaking to go through but you will come out on the other side. Stay connected with the community of people who are or have experienced your journey. Sending you and your husband light and love.

I just recently had the same discomfort in my chest and trouble breathing. As a caretaker and someone who also works full time I found myself especially overloaded over the holiday season. I had also been doing some heavy lifting moving furniture alone.
I mentioned the chest issues to my dr and they had me do an ekg and stress test which fortunately were ok. Turns out the combination of chronic stress and the heavy lifting caused “tietze syndrome “.
I was more than relieved.
I have restarted my daily meditation practice and have also started researching in home care assistance for 2 days a week for 4 hours each to give me some relief. “Insight timer” is my favorite free meditation app that I use whenever possible from my phone. Sometimes a quick 1-3 minute meditation with deep breathing is all it takes to refresh and re-center. Exercise is also the best option -if possible -but we all know that is not always an option due to not having anyone to watch your loved one or because you are to exhausted.
I try to remember one good moment with my loved one replaces 5 bad days. Practicing gratitude for all I do have each day helps me get by. Hang in there — you are not alone -

A very timely post, I must say. My mom (90 y/o) was just recently placed in a nursing home with memory loss by my sister who, after two years of trying to convince eight sibs that mom needed to go, decided she just didn't want to take care of her anymore. I petitioned for legal guardianship one month into the admission, mainly so I could oversee the medical part.

The anxiety -- chest pain and dysrhythmic breathing -- that I experience just in the process of sorting out the financials (Medicaid, etc.) is overwhelming, and I don't even have immediate care. Seeing her in a nursing home setting is disheartening because she really could still be in her own home.

My story is long and I won't go into it, but reading these posts has really lightened things up in my head, and I thank you all for sharing.

It is time for you to Call on a Nursing Home Skilled Home Facility. I feel it is time.

TerriLou: You get yourself to a psychiatrist who can give you an rx for an anti-anxiety med. Please know that I'm not suggesting that you NEED a psychiatrist, but after my mother died, I went to one. (Insert~I had to live out of state with my mother.) I did see that you dislike pills, but you don't want to get to a point where you have something like a cardiac event from stress. Get to your cardiologist for safe measures.

Greattrio, I am absolutely on board with disconnecting from toxic people. This caregiving is draining enough. I also stay conscious of not venting too much to my kids, family members and friends, because I do not want to be that person bringing negative to and draining people!

Caregivers have fk put their own health first... I would admit him Into a nursing home did my own health and sanity.. it already sounds Luke your health is in jeopardy...

Caregivers have a rough time. I take lorazepam which was first prescribed before my surgery for ovarian cancer 9 years ago. It is very mild. I take 1 mg at night to sleep and sometimes .5mg during the day if my stomach is jumpy. I have a 94 year old Mother who hates me somedays (but loves me other days), a wonderful husband with health issues, and a dog with eating disorders - probably brought on by the above situations. Warmest thoughts for your situation. You are not alone. Please take care of yourself.

The stresses of being the caregiver for your life partner will always cause problems, including physical ones. If you have others you can talk to about your stress and fear please do so. If not, consider seeing a social worker or therapist who deals with the symptoms of stress and can provide you with information and resources which will help. Your first priority should be helping yourself. If something happens to you, what happens to him?