How do you deal with an upgrateful parent?

oh wow, another very similar story -- it's so helpful to read those! My spouse/partner's mother is just like that. She has been hateful to anyone in my partner's life --- it took me YEARS to realize it didn't matter who I was, or what I had done for her mother, her mother would always dislike whoever was in her daughter's life. Her mother is jealous and it's ridiculous, but that's what it boils down to. Her mother even dislikes her friends, no matter who comes into her daughter's life she tries to cause problems with them. At one point I asked her straight out -- why do you think her adding someone to her life takes something away from you instead of adding something to your life too? She had no answer, just a stunned look on her face and everyone got along fine for a couple of years...and then she started up again. It never ends.

My first question is: Does your mother have dementia or Alzheimer's?

I read the other message you posted and wanted to reply. My thoughts was it was you and your partner's house, and your partner should be able to enjoy her house without stress. I wondered if your mother thought that since you weren't married that there wasn't really a binding relationship -- that your partner was really an outsider who could be treated as she saw fit. In your shoes, I would put my partner first. If your mother is willfully taking away your partner's enjoyment of her home, then your mother has to change or move elsewhere. From what you wrote in the other message, your partner puts up with a lot of crap. Stand up for her and put her happiness (and yours) first. Good luck!

My sister and I knew how Mother treated us. So, her POA was a 50 yo grandson. He was much better at handling her than we were. She stayed home as long as she could and then, went to the hospital. We did not offer to take her with us. I want to assure you that both myself and my Mother are better off at assisted living. You do not have to live with hate. It will effect your own health.