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In the last 3 months my mother in law was diagnosed with dementia and stage 4 brain cancer and stage 4 lung cancer. She had a major stroke ten years ago and it left her wheelchair bound. She is quickly going down hill. Not sure exactly how much is dementia and how much is the brain cancer but she is so mean and hurtful to me and my husband. She accuses my husband of killing his two brothers ( he only has one brother) she berates us both constantly with every mean thing you could ever think of. Before all the recent health issues she was such a sweet kind person which makes all this even worse. I can see my husbands heart break every day. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

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Wow she has a lot going on, none of it good! Hugs to all involved. Her brain is broken completely please try to let it go she has no idea what she’s saying.
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Find a good CareTakers group . They meet on line these days . Meetings will help you understand the her behavior is the Broken Brain speaking , not your Mother in law . Prayers are with you ….
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Mindgames: Imho, please know that your MIL cannot help what she verbalizes as she has a broken brain and cancer. Albeit difficult, do not take it to heart.
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Brain cancer AND dementia? She isn't herself as you know. Just keep in mind always that it's not really her talking.
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Ignore her, start washing dishes or call a friend as soon as she starts her hateful rants. No matter the age a person is doesn’t mean you should tolerate abuse
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Same thing happened to me with my mom when she was diagnosed with dementia. She blamed me for my sister's death and hated me for it until the dfay she died. You have to let it go. Otherwise, it will eat through your soul. Remember she took care of your husband when he was a miserable brat (as we all were at some time). Sounds like it won't be long until she passes. Prayers for all of you.
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Maybe she always felt this way and kept it hidden. The disease helped bring her true feelings to light.

She's dying so why hold back
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As a former ICU RN, I would suggest that the wild statements are more the result of her brain cancer. Unfortunately, cancer grows fast and it is putting pressure on all the brain cells. The increased pressure causes the cells to act erratically and make some unusual connections that results in verbal and/or physical outbursts.

Please talk to her neurologist and oncologist about medications to decrease swelling and also to "calm her nerves." I assume that your mom is not a candidate for aggressive treatment of her brain cancer. See if her doctors will write a prescription for hospice so that she - and you - will get help to keep her comfortable.
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Its a very difficult, heartbreaking situation.
Best to focus on COMPASSION and do this 'mind training' when not around MIL. To be ready to separate 'who she was and how her brain and body is now.
* Be ready to feel sadness, pain, hurt.
- Prepare ahead of time how to shift (compassion)
- Take a break - a walk for a couple of minutes - anything to interrupt the interactions if momentarily.
* Exercise - get the feelings out in healthy ways.
* Role play to deal with it before it is in real time.
* Agree with her - all the time. Do not set up ANY situation where there is arguing or correcting her. "I know how you feel" . . . "I wish I had a magic wand" . . . "I love you."
It hurts and moving through grief is the only way to move forward and not get stuck in the pain. It is not easy and my heart goes out to both of you.
NEVER FORGET. It is the changing brain 'talking' not the MIL you used to know.
Touch Matters / Gena
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Sounds like my family. I actually asked a neighbor who is a nurse unit manager at an Elder Care Home and she said to laugh make a joke and distract them as pain sometimes makes even regular people grumpy and mean. I've done it.
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Remember the brain is a body part. It’s full of disease at this point. She has no idea what she’s doing and if she did she’d be the first one to be mortified by it. Try to remember her previous goodness as much as you can and remember her “computer has a virus”. After she passes try to remember all the good things she did in her life and let these sad memories fade.
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My brother was like that when he was dying from renal cell carcinoma.
He was on a morphine pump so I knew logically, he didn’t mean it.
I would walk outside, sit down on the parking lot curb, and bawl.
Its not easy, it still hurts our hearts, but their “social filter,” is gone.
My father was twice as awful.
I hope I don’t leave my life, mean. 😇
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Pray. Ignore. Forgive. It’s not her or the real her. It’s remnants of her sickness.
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Cover99 Aug 2021
Are you sure about that?
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What was hardest for me, which you are likely experiencing too, was knowing that my parents were thinking that these things are true, like (with my mom) that no one ever calls, visits, sends cards, tells them anything, cares that things are stolen, etc. Imagine really believing that your son killed his brothers! (I felt really bad when my dad asked me if I couldn’t see that not taking him home from the hospital was tearing the family apart!).
What helps me, and seems to help my mom, is to tell her very kindly that she might not realize it, but that right now she is having some trouble with her memory, and that really truly here is what the case is and that we all love her. Your case is more extreme. I wonder if there’s anything your husband could say that would help her feel better about whatever is her reality in the moment, maybe something creative. Must be really difficullt.
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I can't begin to imagine how very difficult this is for your family. You haven't even been able to grieve your BILs tragic death and now your sweet MIL has turned viperous.

I am so sorry for all the loss that you guys are going through.

It is most likely the dementia and the brain cancer that has altered her reality. Which absolutely stinks.

Have you guys tried to acknowledge her and maybe say I know mom, it was an accident and we are so sorry? Give her a hug and say we miss him too? Things like that.

It is so very difficult to lose a child, we feel like we are supposed to go first and it messes with our ideas of the natural order of things, especially when it is sudden. She is coping with that in her broken brain and that makes it even harder, because a healthy brain has a hard time processing such a loss.

I know than you guys don't have much to feel joyous about right now but, I would encourage you to find ways to bring laughter into the home. It will help all of you and it does bring hope during difficult times.

I pray that you all are given grieving mercies, strength, wisdom and laughter from The Lord God Almighty during this difficult time. I pray that your MILs journey is made easier. May God bless you all richly.
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That's a really really hard aspect of giving compassionate care to loved ones in the face of sweeping and shocking alterations of personality. Unfortunately, the only solace I see being granted here is her death, which appears like it is pretty imminent. Just know in your hearts that she is not herself and the sweet person you remember is still deep down inside of her. Choosing how you remember her is your gift now. I wish you strength and resilience.
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Hospice will help . Poor woman .
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Your mother-in-law has stage 4 brain cancer & stage 4 lung cancer. Based on those 2 diagnoses alone, I'd get hospice involved immediately and make sure she's on pain medication to keep her totally comfortable. Her mean words are likely caused by agitation resulting from the brain cancer & dementia. Hospice is the kindest thing you can do for her right now, and withdraw radiation and any other treatments the doctors are saying are required. At this stage of the game, nothing is going to save her life and extending it is just a cruel thing to do. Keeping her comfortable and not agitated also means you and your DH get to (probably) hear a lot less mean & hurtful words coming out of her mouth. She has no idea what she's doing or saying at this point, since you say she has always been such a sweet and kind person before now.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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Mindgames Aug 2021
When this all started she was doing fine to start with. A little confusion here and there from the stroke. She came out and spent a few days with us and while she was here she had a seizure. We called an ambulance then came the dementia and cancer diagnoses. According to the doctors seizures are usually the first sign of brain cancer. She had one cancer at the top of her brain. My husband decided he would only do two rounds of the targeted radiation but no more given her age of 70 and her other health conditions. The first round got rid of the cancer, then three more popped up in her brain. She’s completed the second round and we get the results soon. All of this within a two month span. She goes for a follow up with the brain cancer doctor in two days so we will know more then. I’m sure hospice is in the near future as she can’t hardly swallow and barely eats anything
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Mindgames, I wonder if a session (not a course) with a therapist could help your husband. Many people find it easier to accept advice from a ‘professional’ than from a family member. Your husband needs help to cope with his difficult mother, and it would help you if he was less upset.
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How old is your MIL? Poor lady. She has been thru the wringer. You have to know, besides the dementia killing her brain, now she has brain cancer that what she says is not really aimed at you. Whether its the Dementia or the cancer, her brain is dying. She has no control over what she says or thinks. She doesn't realize what she has said.

Find out what the Psychiatrist can do. If the testing for cancer shows its not curable, I would call in Hospice. Yes, family still does most of the work. But you get an aide to bath her. A Nurse will check in every few days. She will get morphine to help with any pain. You can get respite for a few days.
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Your husband needs to remind himself that her brain is broken from the dementia. It's the dementia saying those things. He knows full well his healthy mother would never say them. My 99-yr old aunt has mod/adv dementia and says all sorts of awful nonsense to me, and she helped raise me for 20 years. I just go back to my best memories of us together because that is the reality, not what dementia makes come out of her mouth now. It's hard. Maybe he can choose to walk out of the room or change the subject to the weather. Whatever it takes.

Has she been evaluated for hospice? She may not need it yet but it'll give you time to do a little research.
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Mindgames Aug 2021
She has been referred for in home palliative care which for us doesn’t seem to be much help other then provide briefs and wipes for her toileting. We will know more when we find out the results of her brain cancer treatments. She can’t do chemo but is doing targeted radiation. If the radiation isn’t producing the right results she may need hospice care. I appreciate everyone’s advice. I’m hoping it can help us make it thru this sad crisis.
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I reiterate, get her to a geripsych.

I am not talking about "drugging" her. There are meds that will address moodiness and agitation.
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Mindgames Aug 2021
We have had a consult with a psychiatrist. She is gathering med records and info from her cancer doctor and neurologist to start a plan of care for her. The only mood altering med she is on is an anxiety med which she has been on since she had her stroke
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Her finances are minimal. In fact we had to catch all her bills up from our own funds just to keep things current at her home until we decide what to do with it. We share the work in her daily care from everything from toileting, bathing, meds and etc. We try to remember that she is not herself and used planned ignore when she says mean stuff but I do find it hard not to say something when I see how much it hurts my husband
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There are no other living family members that can care for her. His only brother Tony died approximately 6 months ago from a car accident in another state. We believe the creation of a third brother Is a way to deal with his death. In her mind she has a son named Tony that is 7 years old and a son named Tony that is 30 and died in a car accident. My husband is power of attorney for her. We are her caregivers. We moved her into our home. We do not want to do a nursing facility as we are sure with her aggressive behavior she may not get the care she deserves not to mention all the covid issues with family not being allowed to visit due to covid.
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Mzungu58 Aug 2021
My heart goes out to you and your family. We went through this with my Mom last year. My Mom, the most competent, kind, and beautiful person you would ever want to know, became fearful and angry, accusing her daughters of killing another daughter, trying to kill her, stealing money from her, letting wild animals in the house to run over her bed, etc. It was the worst time in my life, I can assure you, and I am quite sure it was the worst time in her life as well. Like you, we wanted to care for her at home, after moving her out of assisted living during the pandemic. Even if a facility will take her in, Covid restrictions may prevent you from seeing her, as our situation was last summer. We could not bear the thought of that. Based on your comments, I am hopeful that hospice will accept your MIL at this time. If she is not eating, her body is preparing for the end. I cannot say enough about how good our hospice care team were with my Mom and how helpful for us. We could not have managed Mom's care without them. Haliperidol was prescribed for Mom's psychosis, along with anti-anxiety meds, and we finally got our Mom back enough to understand we were there to help her and she could relax in our care. It was a time when I learned that death was a blessing to end the nightmare in which she was living, and when she passed, we could accept losing her as the cost of the end of her suffering. I can appreciate these circumstances as unbearable for you and your husband. It is a true test of your fortitude and family's love of your MIL. You may be amazed at how much more you can bear when you must do so. Sending wishes of courage and strength at this most difficult time.
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From your profile: "I am caring for my mother, living in my home with alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, cancer, depression, mobility problems, stroke, and urinary tract infection."

Time for mil to move to your husband's brother's house! Let him take his turn. This is one of my pet peeves -- that it's usually just one sibling who does all the care.

Do you do most of the caregiving, or your husband? How long has she lived with you? Is your H her POA? HCPOA? What are her finances? Is it time for her to move to a facility?
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cherokeegrrl54 Aug 2021
The only brother was killed in a car accident! So no he wont be caring for the mother….
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Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? This may well be brain involvement from the cancers, but there are meds which might help.
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