How do you deal with the guilt a caregiving when you feel like you're not enough or you're not doing a good enough job?

By telling yourself that it’s all too much for one person and that you’re already doing your best.

Just go with the Flow you did Not cause her UTI or bladder infection .

I tell myself, I did the best I could do with what I was giving! Over and over

Hi MissMary. I too felt this way and shared my feelings with a visiting nurse that came to the house. She told me that aging people have more issues due to their bodies breaking down and things will happen and continue to happen even with the best caregiving. She assured me with such a common sense statement and it worked. Try not to feel guilty. I feel sad for my Mom but no longer guilty for what is naturally happening to her body. You are a good daughter and doing the best you can, like me. I’m sending you a hug.

A UTI is a bladder infection. They are one and the same thing. At times they can turn into a kidney infection.
I don't understand rehab being needed for a bladder infection. Usually antibiotics are given and the patient is fine. They usually are not at all debilitating.l

Can you tell us a bit more, MissMary, about why you question your ability to care for your mother?

You state in your profile that you suffer from a disability. Does this make you feel you are not able to give adequate care?

Most of us didn't want to be caregivers. All of us want to do our best.

You can only do what you can do, based on the information you have at the time. It does no good to second-guess the situation. You will anyway, but realize that doesn't get you anywhere or save mom from her ultimate fate.

I hope she does well at rehab. She's lucky to have a daughter who cares.

My Mom went to rehab after having a UTI. She was about 88 at the time. Rehab was to get her strength back after a 4 day hospital stay. She was given antibiotics by IV.

We do what we can as well as we can and I am sure we all feel we fall short. You did not cause her UTI its part of aging. And we older women do not have the same symptoms that younger women have, the itching and burning. What you can do is try to prevent them. My Mom was placed on cranberry tablets (no juice has sugar) and a probiotic. In the year she was taking these before her passing, she had no UTIs. Water, as much as she will drink. I keep a bottle near me and just sip on it. Make sure she voids completely. Have her sit a little longer till she feels the urge again. Leaning forward helps to void completely. BMs clean up with a wipe after using toilet paper. I like Huggies, big and thick.
Mannose-D is sworn to work by a member.

Things happen. UTI's happen there is probably nothing you could do to prevent it.
Now I have to ask you a few questions.
When you make a decision for mom are you making the decision with her best interest in mind?
If you answer yes that is all you can do.
Do you do the best that you can for her each day?
If you answered yes that is all that you can ask of yourself.
Is she fed? Is she clean? Is she cared for?
If you answered yes to those 3 you are doing what you are supposed to do.

The facilitator of the Support Group that a friend and I now Chair always said..."Don't should on yourself"

If you make a decision with the information that you have that is all anyone, even you, can ask of yourself. If information changes that can alter a decision but it should not invalidate one previously made.

I always said if I did the best that I could each day I can put my head on my pillow and sleep well.

Go easy on yourself. Be kind to yourself,.

The guilt does not hit hardest until after your loved one passes away. Because there is nothing you can do. So cherish the moments you have

UTI's are very common especially in the elderly my mother has one very frequently and they can lead to delirium which can last for many weeks after the infection has gone.
They can also temporarily affect mobility and increase the risk of falls.

I'm glad to see this issue raised here because I too feel guilty that I can't "cure" my husband with dementia. I take that guilt as an indication of my love for him, and wanting him to be the best he can be. I know I try my hardest to do everything I can to make him happy, but I suppose I'll always feel guilty. It does help a bit to see that others feel the same, that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Thanks for everyone's input.

To paraphrase Ann Landers a control freak feels guilt easily because they feel responsible for everything that happens in their lives.

Guilt is a challenge. It feels awful.
Why or what does it actually mean to us - what are we telling ourself?

As you say "I am not good enough."
Inner response to yourself 'outloud" :

I am doing the best I can under dire and difficult circumstances. I give myself credit for (doing) xxx.

* Counter with some positive self reinforcement ('self talk")
* Make a list of all that you are doing - mental or write it down.

Acknowledge how you feel:
"I am xxx (exhausted, tired, feel defeated, sad)."

It can help to write these thoughts / feelings vs just saying them to yourself. Both will help you 'turn your head around.'

Intellectual response: Guilt wastes my inner resources to do good. Knowing it is of no use to me or anyone else, I will let it go.

Emotional response: Where do you feel it? give the guilt a voice. Who is this part of you inside talking to you like this? Don't push it away, ask it to 'show itself' so you can process through it. ... feel. Do you need a break? Are you exhausted? Learning to shift your behavior to shift your thoughts will help you.

Pat yourself on the back (say): "I am doing the best I can."

This is what I kept telling myself when exhausted and feeling guilty / awful for not (wanting to visit) as often as I wanted to / felt I should. We need to renew ourselves to be effective. We cannot run on empty.

Be aware of 'the shoulds.' They will deplete you. Tell yourself: There are 'no shoulds,' there is:

"what (do) I need to do to keep myself in good shape to be available to my loved one to support them." Such as:

Take a nap
Journal: review my 'all the good I am doing" list (create that list).
Go have some FUN (to renew / reset)
Exercise
Eat healthier
Call a friend for support. "This is hard and I am so tired." (vent)

Be real.
We can only process how we feel when we acknowledge it - deep down inside. "I feel SO conflicted. Its a b---ch." I hate this feeling !

Finally, enlist others to support you by visiting your mom. Getting others to 'surround her with love and support' will hope you feel better, knowing she has more support. (I did this for my friend-companion - had 2-3 volunteers a week visiting - gave me some breaks in-between my days.). Yes. I was still exhausted as the work never seemed to end (whether I was visiting or not ... there was banking, emptying an apt., dealing with the nursing home management, and on and on).

Call churches, friends, neighbors, and college dept heads: See if you can enlist students in social work, geriatric, counseling programs to visit. They might be able to get school credit. At the very least, they can put on a resume.

Gena / Touch Matters

Speaking as a person who was a scapegoat for blame and guilt-tripped by my parent for being born, I will tell you an absolute truth that I have learned.

You cannot be guilt-tripped by anyone unless you agree to be taken on that journey.

I stopped letting myself be taken on a guilt-trip by learning how to be honest with myself and by accepting myself as I am.
When people learn how to do this, they rarely feel guilt unless they've truly done something wrong that negatively affected the life of someone else.

Part of being honest with yourself and accepting yourself is to stop micromanaging yourself and stop the self-imposed guilt-trips.

Be honest with yourself. Are you doing the best you can for your mother because it's what you want and you choose it? Ask yourself that. If she needs more care than you can provide, that's not your fault. You did not make that happen.

She may need to be in placed in a care facility now. It would not be because you don't love her and weren't taking good care of her.
It would be because you can't produce miracles. None of us can. Only God can do that.

Will you try doing something kind for yourself today? Like caling a friend and going for coffee? Or buy yourself something nice that you like? Or treating yourself to a movie? Or anything.

You're doing the best you can and no one, not even you, can expect or demand better than that. If your mother needs more than you can give her, help to get for her.

See if you can get respite care from your states elder care program. Sometimes just taking a day or two away from the situation is enough to refresh your spirit and calm your mind. If it's possible hire someone that can help take the stress off of you for a couple days a week. Self care is important, be gentle with yourself.

Guilt implies control and wrongdoing.

Feel grief because your mother is declining.

Feel disappointed that there isn’t a cure for aging. (other than death)

Feel frustrated that your efforts often feel in vain.

Feel exhausted and recognize your need for rest.

Feel grateful that others have studied medicine and science such that they recognize conditions and administer treatments. And that you have the privilege of accessing such services.

We seem so prone to beating ourselves up over that which we cannot control, change or handle.

I too feel guilty about not doing as much as I should be for my mother. When I was handling everything but her finances, which my brother has been doing, I was burning out and I still felt I never did as much as I should be. A friend of mine started helping her out and we now pay her to spend several days a week with my mother. Both my friend and I live about two hours away so she spends the night since I can’t because of my pets and their need for special care. We found that my friend can get my mother to do things that I try and try to get her to do with no luck. The mother/child relationship can get in the way at times. We then hired someone local to my mother so she’d have daily help. I now do not need to do the regular physical work and I spend a lot less time driving back and forth. I told my friend that I felt like I was not doing enough and she pointed out all that I am still doing like scheduling appointments and going to the important ones, researching and ordering new supplies as they need replacing or her needs change, trying to find activities she’d like, and more. No one person can do everything but when you love someone you want to be able to. I needed to delegate some of the responsibility to give my mother the best care. I joke about how it may take a village to raise a child but it takes a large city to care for my mother! We are all doing the best we can and the aging process keeps creating new challenges. If we didn’t care about our loved ones then we would not think we should or could do more. When we love someone we feel as though we can never do enough! You are not alone in your feelings, I suspect that anyone who posts on this feels the same way. We are all trying to do our best, including reaching out to others for ideas. Just don’t neglect your own needs in the process, it is very easy to do. You can only do so much!

why when you take care your mom with alzheimer's, that she be mean too you no matter what you do but show others the good side of her where people don’t believe you when you tell them how mean she can be to you and they don’t believe you because they see the good side of my mom. I feel left out and alone.

Yes, this is a tough one for me as well. I think it pretty well comes with the territory and responsibility we have all, willing or not, accepted. I would venture to gain that most of us are not professionals and many are unprepared for the life changing events that are unfolding in our lives. But take heart, you are doing a difficult job well, even if no one tells you. Be strong and trust yourself. You are enough. God Bless.

Missmary031: Disregard guilt, lest it may consume you. You're doing a great job.

There is so much that is unpredictable in caregiving that its really hard to do an excellent job. we need to mitigate our expectations for ourself and have self-compassion. A lot will not go as planned, and that's ok

Guilt and the feeling of 'not doing a good enough job' is a never-ending sieve ... or automatic response ... until we (ease up / lessen / ) STOP IT by countering with positive 'cognitive' responses.

One of the best ways (I've learned) is to:

* Acknowledge what YOU do, do.

* Develop self-compassion realizing you are doing all you can, even if it feels like you aren't.

* Know the 'job' is never-ending and enlist others to help out.

* It takes a village. Enlist your village.

I am not saying this is easy.

It seems to be a human response to caring. "I need to do more ... 's/he needs me." We feel this way out of caring and deep gut wrenching compassion and love.

And, the truth is, we do all we can and then we need to release it ... to God or a spiritual place that brings us some peace and acknowledgement

"Yes, I am doing okay. I am doing all I can."
Then, it is a matter of accepting 'what is' and allowing the sadness and grief to surface so you can process it. It is a grief filled time - and that time can go on for a long(er) time. We must take care of our self to keep going.

I deeply emphasize with you. I am 'so aware' and also felt so depleted due to the responsibilities I took on (friend-companion of 20 year). This was more so the last six years of his life and as he declined, my responsibilities increased.
And, I was solely responsible for his life, legally and otherwise (emotionally and psychologically).

Self-care is a must although I believe it helps to reframe based / is a Buddhist thought:

We (must) hold both realities at the same time: "Yes, I am doing all I can and yes, these feelings of not being good enough / doing enough is true, too."

Often trying to push away feelings brings them closer to us ... telling us "you have to deal with this / me. I am not going away until you do."

Gena / Touch Matters

You don't blame yourself for everything that happens. There is many reasons why your mom could have got a UTI and it is out of your control.

I have struggled with this quite a bit myself. I found one thing that helped was writing down all the things I HAVE done and DO do on an ongoing basis for my parents. It’s a long list. Then I asked myself, would I expect this from my child? (NO) Would I think they hadn’t done enough if they had done all that for me? (NO) If a friend showed me that list and said this is all I do for my aged parent, what would I say? Most likely I would say “you are an excellent, devoted daughter and need to spend more time on yourself!

Let’s face it, old age is tough. It’s not pretty. Things get worse. There is suffering. No matter what! No matter how rich they are, no matter if their grown child is a geriatrician or Mother Theresa. There are diminishing returns for devoting more and more of your life, time, and energy to something that you didn’t cause and you can’t cure. You are enough. You do enough.

I recently admitted my husband of 47 years in a phenomenal skilled nursing facility on the campus of a huge retirement community (maybe looking into moving into there myself one day). I was feeling horrible that first night and probably a week afterwards. It was guilt disguised as grief and loneliness I think.
Then one day I had a heart-to-heart with one of the RN’s and she said my feelings were normal. She said “we have a staff of many aides and nurses and the chef not to mention the laundry department that are doing what you did all alone with no help!” She said my husband’s doctor wrote that I was burned out and he was concerned. My husband has end stage FTD and is nonverbal due to Aphasia. I’m so grateful I could do this and I go everyday at lunchtime just for an hour. There were some kinks to work out and I think now I’m decompressing from exhaustion. Guilt can mean many different things to everyone. I know I can’t cure this brain disease nor did I cause it. I guess I thought if I just left him stay home (and drive me nuts) I could do it. After seeing him today, it brought back the painful memories of taking care of him 24/7. Can’t do it. God bless health care workers! ❤️