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65 yo CVA patient with grown son, over 40. In three years he has not offered any support or financial help. I moved from out of state to prevent my brother from being institutionalized. My nephew would have put him in a nursing home. "Let the state take care of him".

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You give different information here than you do on your other thread. Could you explain?

Here, you wrote "My brother is mentally ill." In the other thread, you wrote "My brother is fully competent, makes his own decisions." So, which is it?

If he's still with it, you should ask him to appoint you his POA before he is found incompetent. That way, his son can't interfere with your care plan for your brother later on if he changes his mind on how his dad should be cared for.

Again, don't look to the son for any help. It won't happen. Look to other sources for help.

Good luck with your caregiving journey.
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Inagottadiva Mar 2022
Ok. He has major depressive disorder. Was that easy for his son? No. But he worked very hard to give his son a great life. We were always a very close family. He always saw an therapist and was compliant with his medications. From my experience, it is difficult to understand, but I grew up with him.
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Three days in residential care is not going to see your brother off, especially as you describe him as now being able to access an adapted bathroom independently. What's wrong with this option? Are you worried he might take to it???
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Inagottadiva Mar 2022
We don't have an adaptive bathroom, yet. I am doing that to the place we are moving to. I want to foster his independence.
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You don't have to deal with this family member at all. What exactly are you expecting him to do? He made his choice and you didn't like it so you made your choice to step in. Did you really expect him to change his mind once you took over?
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Inagottadiva Mar 2022
He was incredibly involved when his Dad had the stroke. Wanted the best of everything for his Dad. He knew his Dad wanted to go home, even if he was going to not survive long. My brother is mentally ill. He probably would have not survived in a nursing home.
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Parents are not given children in order to have geriatric caregivers.
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Inagottadiva Mar 2022
Of course not. I never asked him to be his Dads caregiver. I just asked him to help pay for a qualified caregiver while I was out of town for 3 days. I never asked him before, in 3 years. I was taken aback when he said "go thru an agency". They only cover 8 hours a day. When the time comes and I am unable, he will most likely be in a nursing home. While I am able, I won't let that happen. He's my big brother. I am taking him back to Florida with me. My new house is being modified so he can access his own bathroom, get in the kitchen. One level living. Trying to get some assistance to do these things. Where he lives now(over 35 years) won't do any modifications. Tried to change apartments but they wouldn't agree to that either.
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You cannot change others.
You can only change yourself, and the way you choose to manage your own life.
Financial aid from children is a VERY BAD MOVE. Our children have their own lives, their own families, their own costs, and they need to save what they have left for their OWN old age, so that they do not become a burden to someone else.
You have chosen to move and to undertake the others. Don't think you can dictate the choices of others.
When you have a statement from a child of this sort ("Let the state take care of him" it is indicative of a very uncaring person. There is almost always a reason we end up uncaring. Look to the tree the apple fell from.
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Inagottadiva Mar 2022
Well, my brother is a very loving, caring person. I was badly injured in an accident, and he stayed with me for 8 months, thru 4 surgeries. I didn't expect him(his son) to change. Before my brothers stroke, he spent every weekend taking care of his grandkids so their parents could have a break, time to be together. Was happy to do it. It is what he misses most. Being an active part of their lives. They bought a second home, out of state, to have freedom from Covid-19, so he barely saw them in two years. Not just my brother, but all the grandparents, family. They just bought a third house(with a Country club required membership). Good for them.
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You don't know how he might have treated his son over the years.
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AlvaDeer Mar 2022
I agree. Usually when there is a statement that outright ("Let the state take care of him") it is indicative of a child raised without much loving care.
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What sort of support do you think could be offered?

I met a lovely man a few years ago (40s I guess). His Mother's was a CVA survivor, now hemiplegic with 24/7 care needs.

He visited when he could.

For him to BE the full-time career was impossibe. A team was needed 24/7. He was one man, untrained for that work anyway. Was he to leave his career? He had a career, wife & kids. Was he to impoverish them to pay for his Mother's care? There were other options for his Mother's care - State funded NH.

He didn't love how it was - but realised the common sense of it.

I think the OP here is/has given freely their time, love & labour because they wanted to.

If it's time to add more help to the care plan - then look for & obtain that help. No good comes of labelling the OP the victim here & blaming the son in the long run.

If the plan needs changing, focus on that. Head towards avoiding caregiver burnout.
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Inagottadiva Mar 2022
I appreciate your response. Thank you.
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You will not get much sympathy here regarding your issue since it is self inflicted. The son is under no obligation to help because you choose to step up, this burden is yours to bear. Please do not try to paint the son as the bad guy for nor wanting to help. He was going to help by letting the state take over.
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Inagottadiva Mar 2022
Pretty stark, and hurtful response.
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No child owes their life to a parent. While you volunteered to take this on, you can always unvolunteer and allow the state to become the guardian and place him in a facility.
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Inagottadiva - your nephew was going to let the 'state' take care of his father because he was unable or unwilling to do it. That meant he would wash his hands of his dad's care. But instead, you volunteered to become the 'state', you took on the responsibility willingly. Now, you OWN that responsibility entirely.

Why do you expect his son to help if he already washed his hands of his dad's care from day 1?

You are now finding it too hard financially, physically and emotionally. I can sympathize with that. I took care of my mother for 5 years. It was extremely difficult. Perhaps, you should rethink your plan to keep your brother from being institutionalized. How many more years can you keep doing this at the expense of your health and your finances?
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Inagottadiva Mar 2022
We discussed that. My hope is when we are living in a more accessible situation, he will be able to do more for himself. His apartment is small. He cannot get in the kitchen or bathroom. He cannot use the elevator on his own because it has a door that he can't open. Not automatic. 5th floor and the elevator is so small, he has to back into it. He has a motorized wheel chair, because he only has use of right hand.
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