How do you deal with false accusations from your mom with dementia?

Penelope,

I understand how hurtful it is to be accused of terrible crimes by a LO with dementia!

Your poor sister must feel devastated! Perhaps remind her that Mom and Dad's brains are broken and that they are no longer the people she grew up with! That's not an excuse, it's a valid reason for that behavior. They no longer live in the same reality as you and your sister.

As others have suggested, it may be time to seek alternative care for them.

Sending you (((hugs))) and best wishes!!

Having 91 y/o parents with dementia of this magnitude living in their own home is a recipe for disaster for many, many reasons. There comes a time when safety should take precedence and common sense needs to prevail; when the house gets sold and the proceeds are used to fund their joint apartment in Memory Care Assisted Living. Especially since their false accusations are causing your sister to step back from caregiving. Dementia does normally reach a point where it becomes TOO much for any human being to handle alone at home, and too unsafe for the sufferers to deal with alone at home as well. Nobody benefits.

Wishing you the best of luck finding a safe solution to your parents situation.

Totally agree with funkygrandma.

Please encourage sis not to take it personally. It is VERY common. She will not be able to convince your mom that these things are untrue. But your sister should be confident in the truth that she did not do anything wrong and that your mom can't help her inability to understand this.

Any maybe, just maybe, it IS time for your sister to step back from caregiving. What does she do for your parents in terms of caregiving? Does she live with them?

Sounds like your mom is showing signs of dementia. It's very common for folks with dementia, to be paranoid, and accusatory. Your mom's brain is broken, and can't be fixed, so the best thing for you all to do is educate yourselves on dementia, as knowledge is key, and that will help you all better know how to deal with her. Please tell your sister, as hard as it is, to not take what your mom is saying personal, as she really can't help it. Wishing you the best.

Agree with others comments, been there done that too. Try distraction, change the subject, redirecting, I'll help you look for (whatever's missing)".
Look on YouTube for Videos by Teepa Snow. She's an expert on strategies for behaviors in Dementia and Alzheimer's! Really helps me to cope.
Best wishes.

It is so very hard to deal with false accusations. They are usually a symptom of dementia. The older person remembers an item or event - and it may be from a much earlier time in their life - and can't find it. They become anxious and frustrated in trying to "find" the lost item. So, they leap to the conclusion that someone must have taken it, hidden it, thrown it own... and the logical person is the one who does the caregiving. The frustration and anxiety may include harsh comments, threats, and even violence. It can be extremely difficult if the person with dementia is obsessing about this item and getting mad throughout the day, for days on end, and for weeks.

I am pretty sure your sister is tired of the nastiness. She probably has tried "looking with mom" for the lost item. She probably has asked mom about the lost item and memories associated with it. She probably has tried diverting mom's attention from whatever she is obsessing about.

It sounds like it is time for a doctor's appointment. The doctor can make sure there isn't a physical reason for mom's obsession - stroke, blood chemistry imbalances, poor oxygenation, infections. If those are ruled out, the doctor can prescribe a mild anti-anxiety agent that can calm mom's anxiety and frustration. It may not stop the "constant loop of obsessive thoughts" but the anger and nastiness should subside.

Don’t take it personally. It is the dementia. Try changing the subject or diverting her attention elsewhere. It feels hurtful to be blamed for stealing from your own parent, but it’s just part of this awful disease.

Accusing people of stealing is so common with Alzheimer’s patients (as I found out when we took care of my mom for 5 years, when she had Alzheimer’s). I even wrote a book about our travails taking care of her during this time called, “My Mother Has Alzheimer’s and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver’s tale.” I have chapters entitled, “Steel Yourself for Stealing,” and “Paranoia Can Destroy Ya.” Both the paranoia and accusations were related with my mom, in that if she couldn’t find something, the “logical” explanation was that someone stole it from her, which led to an overall sense of paranoia. Once she accused someone of stealing her dental bridge. Do you know where it was? In her mouth! (A Bridge Over a Troubled Daughter, another chapter title.) I never saw her blush before this incident. I knew that the accusations were coming from the disease, and not her, per se, so I tried not to take the accusations personally, and that’s the advice that I’d give anyone, (as others have echoed).

Agreed with the others. This is a common symptom for those with dementia. Be supportive of your sister, help if/when you can, and ASSURE her this IS common and to try not to take it personally.

If possible, she can try various methods to diffuse the situation(s). Learning more about dementia and various "tricks" to distract, redirect focus, going along with the false ideas (so long as they aren't unsafe!), etc might help her. We are encouraged to not disagree with the false ideas, to "live" in their reality, don't argue, don't correct, etc. If possible, offer to look for the "missing" item(s). If found and accused of putting it there, laugh it off, say you put it there by mistake and try to change the subject.

Sister will need a lot of support, even if it's just emotional support. Step in if/when you can, to give her a break. If possible, use some of their funds to hire some extra help to take care of things that need to be done.